I am a woman– forced to say it like a curse
Because the moment we are discovered
Evil eyes of all sorts gaze upon us,
Questioning and curious.
        “Is her skin like porcelain?”
They refer to us as pithos, jars
Containers of the worst combinations
Of what Pandora released
Transporters of life and miasma
The toxic pollutant that comes
With giving and taking life.
        “Her virtue above all else– is she pure?”
We are *parthenos, with our coveted virginity
But once we are women we are spoiled
Once a jar has been opened and shattered
It can never become pristine and new again
Only lay in wait to crumble and expire.
        “Her hair, is it soft like satin?”
They who clamber out from our wombs,
Refer to us as stains of shame and burden
They call us impure and unclean when we bleed
A pollutant when we birth new life
Yet they are praised when they forsake ours.
        “Do her eyes shine like gems?”
We are like treasure, like silk and gold
When we are not yet broken, we are something desired
They say we are like pearls and gems; silk and gold
But these comparisons are not compliments– they are currencies
The closest they can get to shelving us, marketed to be sold
        “Is she beautiful?”
Be lovely like Aphrodite with unparalleled beauty
Be chaste as Athena and Artemis, a monarch like Hestia and Hera
Be obedient or become like Pandora and bring us to ruin
We are told to be and not be pieces of so many others,
That we can’t remember how to simply be ourselves.
        “Become unbreakable.”

.

When I was given life
I was born into this world all alone
There was no mother or father to greet my arrival
There were no smiles or cheers of joy
No warm welcomes into life

From my first breath of life I learned
That in this world my beauty is my worth
If I am not desirable, I am nothing
I am beautiful because I must be.

Before there was me the world was glimmerless
It hadn’t yet learned to shine
I knew someone had to teach it
To cherish,  adore and desire
To caress, feel and yearn
To love the beauty in between the little things

I always chased that feeling to hold as my own
And everybody has chastised me
I’m the harlot of your stories–
But all I’ve ever been is a lover of love
And I chose love and love again,
But love never chooses me back.

I used to wage wars over my body
They bathed themselves in blood to win me
But no one ever asked “Aphrodite, what is it you want?”
Instead they gave me away,
Like I was theirs to give.

I know love is violent
Perhaps I made that way
Because doesn’t blood look so pretty
When it is spilled for passion?
After all it was my blood
That painted all the roses red.

Curiosity became synonymous with me,
I held a secret of the Gods in my mortal hands,
But I am only human, how could I resist?
Just a peek, a small quick glance–
An irreparable mistake.

I was given a box that weighed less than a feather,
Said to contain inconceivable things
From the hands of Olympians to me on my first day on earth
I knew no better than any other mortal woman–
But they say I should have been wiser.

I was made with curiosity in my nature,
And humanity forever scorned me for it.
I gave us terrible things, it's a truth,
One I can never change nor repent enough for–
But I gave us one gift we could not live without,
I gave us hope.

In every moment where the tables turn
Where the gods do not smile down upon us
But smite us with their might–
We still have hope.

You may blame me for many things,
But never forget I was forged by the gods
And it was they who placed that box
Into my eager hands.

Love makes a home in your heart
Carves dens out of your
Flesh, blood and bones
Welding each vessel into itself.

It's a tapestry woven into the soul
Not a garment easily shed or replaced
No mere band-aid, but a sacred mark
Etched upon the very essence of your being.

Love becomes a parasite
And when its had its fill
Love begins trying to tear its way out
From muscle and marrow.

Though when those who mean well say “let it go, move on”
Something so intimately branded on your soul
Will never simply just release its grip
It’s like drowning on land– an invisible, silent killer.

As love finally loosens the hands around your throat
Those phantom fingers, slithering off your skin
Relief is never the feeling that follows
Love leaves lingering devastation in its wake.

Tearing out its roots from where it nestled in your core
Releasing its toxic venom into your bloodstream
A final wound to make your heart bleed and choke
On an internal murky bath of blood and tears.

The extraction leaves you feeling hollow
With love clawing out caverns deep within you
You are left with the remnants of a once cherished host,
And an emptiness that can never be filled.

After Edgar Allen Poe’s “Bridal Ballad”

In a distant meadow lies my mind,
     To get there, I cannot tell you how;
Twists and turns make it hard to find
But if you're lucky and the path is kind,
     Perhaps it will open for now.

Fields of dandelions are where I hide;
     When spring blooms, come make a vow,
For on the wind our dandelion wishes ride–
Tell them only to the withered ones who died,
Be honest, the only rule you must abide
And only the weeds will know if you lied,
     Do you see it now?

It does not matter if you mean well,
     I sometimes make mistakes in who I allow,
Are you poison or passion? I cannot always tell,
So you may come to stay but do not dwell–
Don’t be the one to turn a paradise into hell,
(And of my secret garden do not tell,)
     If you do, I can see it now–

Wildfires— the flames I cannot tame,
     Confusion, pain and anger that furrows my brow;
Putting pesticides to primroses is such a shame,
My daffodils lament, they cry for who’s to blame,
     Oh, I see it now!
Does such sorrow, such grief have a name?
     You must see it now!

When you turn my meadow into a burial mound;
     Where seedlings will not sprout— they can't remember how,
You turn it into a place where no dream is found
Where no wishes or vows can be bound,
And where loves whispers dare not sound
     And I can't see it now.

I walk through this world blindfolded,
echolocating my way with just your heartbeat.
Each pulse guiding me through blurry lines,
making the world around me pellucid.

And though your heartbeat fades so soft–
I follow the breadcrumbs you leave me,
reminiscing in the times it was deafening, now
ultrasound, hardly there at all,
perhaps only a dream.

I may be vampire–
But what I crave is something sweeter than blood.
Only you would do, my favorite chalice,
such a decadent delight, sweet honey on my tongue,
the taste of your love I used to drink till I was drunk–

Now my thirst consumes me, such hunger becomes me,
with no true beginning and no true end.
I glide across the starlight, seeking you out
with my echoes in the dark.

On gilded wings I soar to you,
no matter how your fickle feelings wane.
The sound of your heart is still brighter than any flame–
It illuminates my way, and like a moth I follow.

But all fires burn out in their due time I suppose,
no matter how eternal their light seems.
And when too close to the sun,
all vampires return to dust–
no matter how immortal their dreams.

We just watch
While the world slowly burns
Wishing for rain to cease the fire

Whilst others wonder
Whose body lay where
Which tomorrow they won't see

We sit in our mundane
Worrying for trivial things
While the world slowly burns

We don't think about the worst
Wolves won't be blowing our houses down
Why should we care?

We aren't the ones who mourn
Who stand in rubble and waste
Where once stood our homes

We just watch
While the world slowly burns
Watching wolves prey upon the sheep

They say as you grow older the friends and lovers you held close to your heart drift away. They never say how slow it is. A phone call every day becomes once a week. Soon just a text or two, then nothing in unnumbered days. Months pass by until you realize you've lost track.

We used to be written in the stars–
I swear it.

And I can't decide; were the fates miserable to give us so much time only to take it away– or merciful to let us feel it at all?

I. Drawing spell

I fill my jar with
sugar and honey
sweet and sticky
not to trap, rather
a lure to draw

I grind my herbs
add my crystals
my charms, pink glitter
and all my hopes

I write those wishes
on a bay leaf
draw my sigil
and charge with intent
I place them in my jar
of all things sweet

sealed with red wax
so our love can come
and last

II. Love prayer

On my altar
Aphrodite sits
surrounded by offerings
along with
a bowl of water
clear and clean
that lays in wait

I add salt and rosemary
hold my bay leaf
and set it alight
asking Pythian Apollo
and Zeus Melikhios
to cleanse and bless
I drop the burning leaf
into the water
and wash my hands and face

Now purified and cleansed
I kneel
burn my incense
and sit
palms up to Olympus
I close my eyes
and send my prayers
to Aphrodite

III. Love, the waiting

Intentions sent
to the goddess

In her hands,

I lie in wait
love dangles

She gives
and she takes

So we may love,

or we may lose
but in all love

We will learn.

I tried love again
I put my best smile on
I pushed you from my thoughts
I let you go,
As if it was my choice

I turned off my anxiety
Pretended I'd be fine
Put a blind fold around my heart
Like the eight of swords
I lied to myself,
Like it were the right thing to do

I put on my favorite skirt
My favorite necklace and shirt
Did my makeup how I liked it
I dressed up my doubts
Looked in the mirror
And I felt pretty,
But I didn't feel me

I couldn't breathe
My heart took off it's blindfold
And begged for a second thought
When I had none to spare
I'd already decided
To leave my love for you
In the past where it belongs,
As if it was my choice

I cut off the cord that went
From me to you
That lifeline I held onto
Like a security blanket
I severed it,
Like it were the right thing to do

I went on that date despite myself
Smiled politely, talked sweetly
We shared stories
He was nice and he was kind
He called me pretty,
But I didn't feel me

I said before that I wanted
To fall in love again just to prove I can
Instead I learned just how hard it is
To sever my ties to you,
As if it was my choice

A siren call beckoned me
Through waves of endless murky blues
And over crashes of distant storms
Sweet and deadly like belladonna in ambrosia

Milk and honey dripped from her lips
As she cried out to me for a reply
Soft like silk carved into marble stone,
Strong like magic from the aisle of Aeaea

I was tempted, nearly ensnared
By that beauty somewhere near
If I followed that voice out to sea
I knew she would be the last thing I'd see

How could I do that to my Penelope?

So the siren sang her enrapturing tune
And I tied myself to the body of the mast
I would not be lured to my doom
Elysium will have to wait, I'm coming home

We were a photograph once
Not torn, not blurred or smudged
We were altogether pictures
Put into broken frames

We were creatures crouching
In dark corners
Trying to remember
How it felt to be whole;
Human, connected

We are the fragmented remnants
Of stolen things, of broken things
But I still like taking our picture out
From time to time
Just to remember that
It was real

We were there at the start

I can feel the blood
Running through my veins
The soul that sits
Somewhere deep within me
I can think clear
I can breathe easy
I can calm myself again

The anxious feelings
Like a shaken beehive
Buzzing and stinging
Beneath my flesh and bone
Have stilled and silenced,
Relief and respite return

My eyes are searching
For nothing in particular
And yet everything they catch
Feels like a piece
Of some long lost sanctuary
I didn't know I needed

It's a liminal space
Where the only proof there is
That time is passing
Is the sun rising and setting
The colors changing in the clouds

A liminal space whose soundtrack
Is the sounds of the cicadas
Squirrels jumping through the trees
Distant fireworks from a nearby attraction
And the busy quiet that always follows
The liveliness of the wilderness

A lull washes over everything in this place
With a hand on the cool metal of the rail
And the paint chipping off under your fingers
An absence of anything profound
Simply just one more balcony
Amidst a million others just the same

Where do I begin
To clean my heart of you?
Should I scrub each vessel
Douse my veins in bleach
To finally be rid of it all?

Every time I think I've moved on
You say just enough words
To pull me right back in
I want to know
Can I get clean again
Or will I forever be addicted
To a love that no longer exists?

I walk through this world blindfolded
Echolocating my way with just your heartbeat
Each pulse guiding me through blurry lines
Making the world around me clear as crystal
I trust alone in the visibility each beat gives me

And though your heartbeat fades so soft
I follow the breadcrumbs you leave me
Ultrasound and hardly there at all, perhaps a dream
I'll still find you in this endless pitch black sky

I'm like a vampire, or perhaps more like a fruit bat
What I crave is something sweeter than blood
Only you would do, my favorite chalice
My thirst consumes me, such hunger becomes me
With no true beginning and no true end

I glide across the starlight, seeking you out
With my echoes in the dark
The sound of your heart, brighter than any flame
Lighting my way, and like a moth I follow
On gilded wings to you I soar

But all fires burn out
No matter how eternal their light seems
And all moths return to dust
No matter how immortal their dreams

I'll trust only
In my echoes in the dark

Poem by: Layla Smith (Pyrrhathepoet)

i loved you with all my wildfire heart
but our forest has burned to the ground
there's nothing left in the dust
nothing left in the ashes—
but look if you must

I don't remember what it felt like to be in love
I don't remember what it felt like to be loved either
I used to stay up all night dreaming about us
About this perfectly imperfect life we could've had
I used to cry myself to sleep wishing you loved me

I imagined waking up next to you in the mornings
How I would leave poetry on your pillow
Telling you I loved you at every chance I'd get
I dreamt of loving you as deeply as I could

And now I dream of a world without you
Digging the depths of my heart for reasons
To love yourself, anything to make you stay

I dream of losing you how I never thought I would
While parts of me still burn for you so bright

Death knells are chasing away my wedding bells

Strawberries taste of nostalgia
they are memories on my tongue
the ripe feeling of summertime
and laughter under the sun

I'm unfolding banana peels from my eyes
the way a butterfly emerges it's chrysalis
maybe if I come from a cocoon of yellow
i'll be reborn a shade of optimism

Blueberries are rainy days
with their bittersweet comfort
in tiny drops
that never seem to last long enough

All my coins sink to the bottom of wishing wells
Ladybugs fly away with my hopes
And dandelions disappear with my dreams

Every birthday my prayers blow out with the flames
Shooting stars pass with unfulfilled promises
And wishbones never break for me

Maybe if I catch the falling leaves in autumn
If I tie my ritual ribbons around every trees branches
Or manifest with every ring I wear

I could one day save you from your despair

But for now,
I will continue wishing on everything I see
Seeking stars and elusive dreams

This isn't how I thought our story would end
I always thought you'd find your way back to me
Back to us,
Back to yourself again

But I suppose it was my mistake
I thought we we were written by poets
But we were written by the Brothers Grimm

We were never a love story, we were a tragedy

Sometimes you become
The things you love the most
When you lose them

I used to be the butterfly
Safe in my chrysalis
Metamorphosing

You were my moth
Eating away at my stomach
Like I was made of keraitn

You were like nothing
That I'd ever seen
That I'd ever dreamed

You were my moth among butterflies

You saw things in me
That I couldn't see for myself
That no one else tried to find

You consumed my mind
Grew fields of promises
Roots too deep to ever unearth

And I wish I could say
You became the butterfly
Transforming, healing

But I fear you never will
Maybe that is why
I became the moth

To eat whatever it is that's rotting you away

No matter how much of my soul
I flood into my words
I will remain unseen
Because when stars aren't in the sky
They fall into corners
Where they no longer shine

True muses never lose their luster
They just change the way they shine
You may not be sunlight on a crystal anymore
Nor the colors that fall through the cracks of a cloud
But you will always have little pieces
Of what we used to be
In those smokey quartz eyes
No matter how distorted our story becomes
To me, you will always glow
Like you have the sun in your veins

I thought I would always write
Lovely words for you our whole life
That I would always be the moth
Drawn to your steady flame
But all fires burn out
No matter how eternal their light seems
And all moths return to dust
No matter how immortal their dreams

He thinks that his withdrawal
Will soften the blow
That his absence
Will numb me like anesthetics
But he doesn't realize
That even if
He's killing me slowly
I'm still bleeding all the same
That even if
I'm suffocated blind
I'm still going to gasp for air

The people around you
Are failing you
And I feel like I'm failing too
Your mind was cut deeply
Just as your heart was
And instead of being stitched
Mended and medicated
The wounds were left
To scar and widen

Flashbacks haunt you
With no reprieve
The memories keep you awake
Keep you hostage
And your heart
Can only seem
To further break
So you take
Whatever vice you can
To make the pain
Pause and wait

Every time you chase
Your momentary escape
It will get shorter
Your cure
Will become
Your poison
The crutch you have
Is faulty and made of sand
It is time instead
To reach out
To something solid
To take a hand

When I saw your eyes
In the photos I was sent
They were empty
They were hopeless
Maybe it was the alcohol
Maybe it was pain killers
But they were not hiding
The torment

They say eyes
Are a window
To our souls
And in your eyes I can tell
Your soul is fractured
Like a glass
That has spiderwebbed
The more you chip at it
The closer you get
To shattering what remains

I suppose no one has told you
You are allowed to be happy

It is time to forgive
Yourself, the incident, the memories
Forgiving isn't forgetting
You are allowed forgiveness
It is time to stop forbidding yourself
From moving on
From getting help
It is time to stop

You are too young to be chasing halos

I wonder what it would be like
To be loved by a poet
To fill books with words about each other
Like Lang Leav and Michael Faudet
To exchange letters in passing
To wake up to poetry on my nightstand
To give my writing to someone
Who understands how profound the gesture
And what it truly means
To be able to read the transcript of my heartbeat

Poets are addicts
Haikus are our gateway drugs
Words are our vices

Without them, we shake
Writer's block, our withdrawal
Our pens— the needle

reading my poetry
is reading the story
of my life
in each chapter you see
the love; the loss
the growth; the change
and one day
when I am gone
my poetry will
become me

I fear I've taken him for granted
Assuming I'd always have him there
Because never in my wildest dreams
Did I ever imagine someday I wouldn't

I miss him
when he isn't gone
it makes me feel
as if my heart
is making peace
with losing him

How can I
convince him to stay
when I write
like he is already
gone?

Ghosts like to come to me in dreams
When my great grandmother passed
She shared her memories; her youth
When my great aunt passed
She came to say goodbye; bid farewell
I'm afraid of dreaming now

I fear seeing you as a shade
When you have always
Been my light

I used to think that love
would always be
enough

But my love
however endless
can not save you

Because I've loved you more
than you love yourself
and my heart that beat
for you
could not beat
for yours

I think I want to fall in love again
Before I turn into Orpheus
Or Edgar Allen Poe
Only writing of love I've lost
Love I miss

Maybe I want to fall in love again
Just to prove I can

I hadn't heard from you in over a week
Knowing the fragile state of your mind
It felt like an eternity, a new reality forming
I was afraid that if I called out to you
On the edge of the abyss you'd fallen into
My words would just reverberate with no response

How do I save you
When you don't want to be saved?

He used to feel like the embodiment
of all my past lives
and all the ones yet lived

Now he has become more
like a living ghost
one my magic
can't seem to touch

He feels more like a memory
than a person
just an echo
of the boy I loved

Orpheus loved Eurydice
More than he feared death
He strolled into the underworld
With his lyre's heartbroken tune
He could move the hearts of the gods
Up on Olympus, and down under the moon

For her, he would do anything
For her he could do anything
He moved the unmovable
Charmed the uncharmable

Eurydice was just out of reach
A final step into light
And she would be home
Her skin nearly kissed the sunlight

I always wondered
Why Orpheus looked back
Why take the risk, why not trust?
After going into Hades and back,
Why lose her to doubt?

But now I know why he did it
It wasn't a lack of faith, but fear
He was afraid
She would rather stay
Forever a shade

What if when he looked back
She didn't reach for his hand?
What if she was looking back
At the Elysian Fields
Longing to be back in paradise?

Orpheus never sang again of love
His lyre forgot the sounds of laughter
The tunes of joy, romance and smiles
The only melody his lyre could play
Was the manifestation of tears
That Orpheus could no longer shed

They say to hold on to love
Because it happens so fast
That good things aren't meant
To last, they come and pass

But when you truly love
It's not a feeling that is fleeting
It isn't so easily shakable
Forgettable or replaceable

It makes a home in your heart
Carves it's den out of your
Flesh, blood and bones
Welding each vessel into itself

It isn't something you can remove
It's not a band-aid you can just rip off
Once it's there, it never truly leaves
It transforms

When it's overstayed it's welcome
Love hurts deeply
As it tries to tear it's way out
From muscle and marrow

Leaving you hollow, with caverns
That can never be filled

I'd rather be blind
Than lose your smile
My iris for your grin
I'd feel it in my soul
Somehow, I'd know

I feel like a web of broken promises
like a sandcastle about to crumble
into a pile of nothing but remnants
of something once so beautiful, now
to be reclaimed by the pitiless waves

I don't think we'll ever get to keep
those promises we made at 16
you feel so far out of my reach
like a phantom limb, I still feel you
so close, like you're still an integral
part of what makes me feel whole

But our time is running out, I feel it
the futures and dreams we cherished
are nothing but whispers on the wind
of a time when we could be optimists
of the days before you'd forgotten

How to be a dreamer

If you were a candle
You'd be one with a wick
That was cut just a little too short
And I'll scrape the wax around
Just to keep you lit
But I always worry
That if I turn away at the wrong time
Your light will flicker out
And I won't be there to save it

Like Schrödinger's Cat
Love is too large
To quantify in contradictions
Like the cat in the box
In it's superposed zombie state
I too can't determine
If our love is alive or dead
And like the cat,
In reality it cannot be both
But I think I'll leave it
Forever in this zombie state
Of unknown perpetual mystery

For I cannot uncover
What I've already buried

You used to feel like sand in an hourglass
Forever on repeat of loving you and losing you
Now the sand is slipping through my fingers
And I don't dread the grains I cannot catch
The glass that shattered is cutting into my hands
But the sand still trickles down as our time runs out

When we were sixteen we made a promise
That when we turned twenty one
We would meet again
For a glass of orange juice
Because he doesn't drink
I never told him
That I'm allergic to citrus
But what is a drop of poison
In a chalice of love?

Last month he turned twenty one
And came close to breaking our promise
He sent me a letter
That nearly broke me
I couldn't read it
I dialed his number
And begged for an answer
Just like always, he did

But in those moments the world froze
The dial tone felt like a death knell
It was void, it was empty
As if it were already a world without him
As if it was a warning of what might be

And now I'm thirsty
So very thirsty
For that glass of orange juice

It's crazy how much we change
In days, weeks, months
And years building on years
I look back on who I was
The ways I used to feel
Preserved in all my poetry
And it's just not me anymore

It isn't a bad thing—
It's growth
I used to feel as if I couldn't speak
As if I were mute, invisible and unseen
Now my words fill silence
My presence isn't a black hole
And it makes me feel better when I'm sad
When I'm losing hope I look back
At who I used to be when it was bad
And how I've changed

It gives me hope within my chrysalis
That I can still metamorphosize

I cannot lose what fills
   my heart more than blood
   my lungs more than air
   myself more than me

Like a migraine unwinding
you feel a pain
deep down in your soul
that seems binding
as pieces of you unravel
like a shrouded veil
falling to reveal the parts
that you are still finding

It isn't easy searching
for things that you didn't
even know you'd lost
Like a hidden force driving
with a faulty gps
and a wheel that you
can't seem to control
brining you to what is hiding

Do you slam on your breaks—
                  or do you keep looking?

You do not know
what is yet to come,
as nothing yet
is set in stone.

I wish that I could
take all your worries,
turn them into gold
and build you a throne.

But I cannot build
with what I cannot hold,
and I cannot take away
what I cannot grasp.

So together we'll conquer
each daunting task,
and I'll hold you close
in a gentle clasp.