I’m sorry for every selfish thought I’ve had
But spending my time living in other people’s lies,
I thought I could at least dream
Of a place where the happiness was mine
But happiness isn’t just a fish that you can catch
It’s not for everyone to handle
If this was the last day alive I'd press my lips to your temple, Id whisper my name hoping to make it eternal in the graveyard of the cosmos.
Written during a night I ached for your attention
caramel apple eyes
with no smile,
just a smirk
maybe you'll spare me
from my two year and counting sentence
but it seems unlikely
that i'll be able to get over you,
because if I haven't already
I never will.
Tell me why I can only formulate magnificent proses when they
come from a spot of mourning that you left in the pits of my rotting stomach
it's an ethereal feel that links me back to the sea
your scent draws me in close,
how I desperately want to jump off a cliff to save myself from your grasp.
I spend countless nights huddled in a corner of my room
and I've come to the conclusion that love is only good
when you're in it.
I return to the ocean cliff every day,
looking out to try to pinpoint the bottom of the raging blue rapids beneath where I stand 133 feet up.
Maybe if I can dance closer to the edge,
you'll take notice and save me before I fall
but who am I kidding?
I was the one to take things too far,
I don't want to finish this poem.
you may call it laziness for refusing to finish it, others may say it's writers block, but it's from a dull throb from my heart that prevents me from continuing this chain.
one day I will listen to your words harass my ears in song,
and those words will no longer be about me.
instead it will be white noise,
the static enemy that murmurs paranoia through the stale air
of a room left unkempt
a knife stabbed in the lower abdomen
pull it out and let me bleed out
and maybe you'll be able to apologize after i'm gone
or maybe not
in the early hours of dawn
it is a challenge to vigorously write your name down on the paper
that lays crumpled by my bedside because I can't get the "A" in your name right
it reminds me of the day I didn't want to get out of the car but did
you spot me, i hear a gasp from my friend
but i keep on walking
because i know if i look back
I'm a goner.
it was so hard to see you. so so hard
You've bruised parts of myself that even I can't reach
I know the pain is there but it's hard to see
beneath the flesh, it's become a part of me
I thought I was supposed to tolerate the hurt
smiled whenever you struck a nerve
but now I'm losing sight of who I used to be
I let destructive words find their way in
they broke more than just bones
they scarred more than my skin
I no longer trust the things I touch
with a taste of what humans can do
I can't believe love is worth that much
My body looks foreign yet the flaws so familiar
Coming to terms with my reflection
has started to feel like confession and I hate looking in the mirror
You studied my skin and broke down my value
limb for limb not enough
and you made sure I knew
Because of you connection tastes like lust
speaking my mind is scrutiny
trusting is new to me
and not something I'm willing to try
You exposed who I want to be in the worst way
I have no more time for apologies
I'm rebuilding all the things you taught me to hate
I can finally admit he hurt me without breaking my heart.
its a hollow type of way
where everything is collapsing
but it can't be fixed
drowning with all eyes on you
All my life I've been known as "Crazed",
My life is falling a part and I feel dazed.
I cover up my face with a smile as a mask,
To cover up my pain so I won't be asked.
I've been told to try and find some help,
But with none all I can do is cry and yelp.
Day by day I feel like I am fading,
Whether or not I should keep fighting-
I am still debating.*
See your gone more often than not.
I realized yesterday I don't know what a father is, or what a man is.
You are gone most of the time, even when your not.
my god I saw your wallet more than you so I guess I'll call that love;
see I've thrown every penny I've had in wishing wells of my lovers to be happy
but the only thing I've learned from you is that money is better spent on luxuries.
Tonight I felt what it was like to have no one
To cry and write poetry under the stars
The tears soaking my skin
But tomorrow I will feel what it's like to smile again
To forget what happened
To punish myself for being sad
When no one is around
The world stops