They speak silently
on troubled nights
whispering through the crowds
Somber voices
crying out
and soon
nothing else can be heard
through blaring deafness
in the loneliness of your mind
Listening
Remembering each word
and speaking up for all to hear
because you will reply to them
every night
you will reply

Being who he is
it came as no surprise
that he could not be anything else
but alone
Shutting every door
until nothing but the looming shadows
from the drapery
remained

Four walls were needed
Four walls and no doors
Nothing that could be opened
or brought inside
to share the space

and it was always my place to stand
patiently
waiting for a welcome
that never comes

What value does loneliness have
without personal reflection
what could be gained
from empty conversation
and what wastes time more
than standing in another's shadow

Light shines all around you
people pass by
with beautiful minds
like an open door
and the experiences
that linger in your thoughts
beg for explanation

After all,
we are here
for only a few short breaths
and what good is a life
not well lived?

You can remember
or you can forget
In your mind
I can stay
in my own cozy nook
or become no more
than the dust upon your shelf

Although I have become fond
of existing in this world of chaos
hand in hand
your decision
is your own
and you
must invite me in
first

I can breathe life
into your world
Or I can take
all life away
Now you
must decide
If it is worth it
for me
to stay.

To believe that life will stand still when you do
would be a foolish thought
but one can only hope for such a reality
to hide the guilt of wasting precious time
In order to save a few minutes
to curl up on your bed and think
cry
or long for past events to change

We thrive on the hope that somehow
our future actions will atone for our past errors
By any chance we realize the truth
We hope
and god, do we ever hope
that life will slow down long enough for us
to pick ourselves up and try again
should we ever be so lucky

Back before the hurt
I thought
I analyzed it all
and it had all made perfect sense
I was thinking it could not fail me
Now the damage is done,
thinking becoming no longer an option
No thoughts
No words
I was thinking
before
I do not think
anymore

May every warm smile
kind gesture
and sweet word
find its way
into the rugged pockets
of your wool coat
for every struggled step to get home
on the coldest of winter of nights

Remember all the good that has met your acquaintance
as you go about your way
Let them light your path home
Let them warm your aching body
Let them fill your heart with more love
than you could ever possibly fathom

But always leave a few left
In your back pocket
to offer to those
with darker paths
ahead

Truth is
every time
I remember
you exist
in the same world
as me
I become lost
a spiritual sickness
closing in
I cannot breathe
I cannot move
I wish you were here
but
I wish you were gone

I am sorry
if this came out of nowhere
since I have witnessed my worst fears
become me

I have nothing
that can be used
to keep you around
to make you happy
to stay with me

Leaving now would save myself the pain
of being left alone
and save you from the weight
You have carried on your shoulders for so long

I believe that when a human
has moved on once
He is capable of doing so
again
for life has a way of dulling the pain
over time

In the long run it was always a better choice
to save
yourself
For I
am not worth
your saving.

Faster now
The window blurs
and the rain
grey and somber
All alone
the train goes on,
but here
In my seat
looking out
In the rain
All slows down
to each steady breath
I close my eyes
and pretend
It really is
as I hoped
Wishing time went as slow as the rain
While the train speeds on
and my tears
falling at a slower pace
I look forward
and time
slows down

Your name
burns my skin
grabs hold of me
tightly
and leaves
bitter taste
on my tongue
I was yours to devour until nothing remained
and with closed eyes
I will speak your name
one last time

His voice reminded me of night rain
Deep intelligence sprung from the core of his mind
and bloomed into words
and I could sit for hours
listening to the night rain fall
without understanding why a single drop fell
so far away from home
Maybe it’s the comfort of words washing away the doubt
that creeps in on the brightest of mornings
that would cause me to welcome
a somber night of rain
with open arms
And when the rain stops
-as it has before
I will continue
stepping out of bus shelters
without thinking twice
and leaving umbrellas alone and forgotten
in the coffee shop
on the nights when I need them most
If I should be lucky enough
to feel again
I will speak in the night rain
to the lost souls hiding
in the bus shelters and forgotten umbrellas
looking out at the rain drops
and wondering why each one falls
so far from home

I wish someone had taught me
how to handle all that remained from love and hate
and how to move on from feelings
when they still remain
What am I to do with it all
when burying it far down
will not solve anything
and embracing it
will only hurt more
than before
I wish someone had taught me
how to let go of all I had to move on
Now I don't know
what I should do
in order to be free
from the binds
you unknowingly hold
So tight

I could go on writing for years
filling every page
from front to back
with every thought I ever had
and every word I never spoke

I could write symphonies
for the moments worth living for
The smiles
that brightened the day
and the laughs
that ring though the night

I could paint all the stars from the sky to the heavens above
the sparkling sapphire lakes
and the rolling emeralds hills
that grace the land
we share
as one

But what good is it
when all I could do
and all I would do
is completely meaningless
without you

Time has taught me
to hide all
that makes you human
Hiding your pain
thoughts
opinions
and fears
away
from prying eyes

Time has taught me
when one suffers
they suffer
alone
proving humility
to never show it
or else face accusations
of being prideful of sadness

Time has taught me
not to want
ask
or beg
for things which cannot be changed
things to not break
or people to not forget

Time has taught me
to smile
for everyone but yourself
giving in to life’s flawed designs
surrounding us
and to simply fade
Into its depths

Dusty shelves
and unfinished letters
Where could all the time have gone
So swift and subtle
away from my hands
with no letters to send
Laying on old books and magazines
while they all live
so far away
and I sit
with unfinished words to send
on dusty shelves
until we meet again

So many questions
left unanswered
So many words
left unsaid
Flooding through the troubled minds
of the isolated
and forgotten
night after night
sitting alone
with hearts ablaze
staring at the moon

I have realized
the world is a lonely place
In our homes
jobs
schools
preoccupying our minds
People come
they learn with us
they grow with us
We live
laugh
love
and move on
With the world at our fingertips
no matter the hundreds around us
or the ever growing bustling crowds
nothing can be done
to remedy us
from the fact
that though we can try until the end of our days
we will always be the most alone
In our minds

The more time spent alone
the more I find it intoxicating
The sound of steady breathing
the pages of a tattered novel slowly turning
my chair creaking to my shifting weight
as I foolishly try to get comfortable
on a brisk afternoon
When all is not as hectic as before
and my only concern
is my tea over cooling
before the chapter ends
When the whole world lies in my room
my book
my mug and chair
and the rest is tucked away
for a little while longer

When I should have loved longer
I piled each excuse higher
towering between
distant thoughts
and sweet words
tipping the scale once and for all
amongst all the chaos
of trying to find myself

                                                           I lost you

No longer
do I find joy
in the faces I see every day
and the voices I hear
around me
Looming clouds
have altered my vision
and now
nothing here is my own
and I do not live here
and I am not of this town
Perhaps all I had
was never mine to begin with
and now
I am lost
in a sea of doubt

As far as the stars go
As many times I lie to those who ask
If I am asleep
It will never compare to the distance I bear with this heavy heart.

The burdens carried
along side my bed every night,
gazing at the night sky
I wonder if you have eaten
What you are thinking about
How many times you forgot your keys

The simple answers I wish I knew
and would forever keep close to my heart
If only to lighten the burden and somehow keep you closer.
But the moon holds no answers
and your phone will continue to lay on the table next to your body in slumber

I
remain awake
alone
through the autumn night,
In quiet conversation with myself
Hearing your voice answer,
but seeing only
the dark sheets below me
and the starry sky above me.

To know a man
inside out
is as impossible
as removing a mask
you never knew existed

Should this be accomplished
would make taking in the darkness
and still being able to look upon his face
with unclouded eyes
only but a foolish dream

We may believe that truth
is the purest of virtues
but can we handle the darkness
that comes along with it?

can we handle it
when it makes itself
apart of us?

After receiving a box of matches
I counted every single one
Traced them with my finger tips
Breathed in the scent of future ignition
Closed my eyes
And set them all on fire

I stand
surrounded by mirrors
reflecting indecisiveness
hovering over each moments hesitation
to go on further

                                                                         or to remain
how can steps
be taken
without a direction
to follow

Standing on the outside
looking in
unable to reach
what I cannot hold

Time played its part
and now I am just a name in your mind
without a body

Words fail me
as I become lost
in your loneliness

wrecked
by my own desperation
to never leave your side

but your walls are up
and I can only be
standing on the outside looking in

praying
you remember
to breathe

It would be a grave mistake

to fall in love

with you

and because of this alone

I choose

not to

If I pray hard enough
radiation from our advancements
will destroy me
from the inside
For I would rather parish
than bring a life into this world
of distopian future
bearing no love
no shelter
or legacy
to carry on

To live long enough to apologize
for giving a life away
and offering another soul
to the crumbling world
around me
would simply leave me
broken beyond repair

If I pray hard enough
let me parish with my future sons of war
My conscience will not allow me to live or die
by leaving another life to a war
and simply fading away.

Remain in a state of wonder
that cannot be comprehended
by those around you
Be one with the earth
as a wandering soul
wide eyed
free
and changing

You may not have noticed
my much slower pace
deep sunken eyes
or feeble short limbs
laying on the corner
of my unkept bedroom
and who
can blame you
for It isn’t a pretty sight
unlike all the other days
I had tried so hard
for smooth porcelain skin
and big brightened eyes
If only
           If only
your eyes could spare
a moment of pity
to look upon something
not worthy of you
                      If only
                                 If only
                                             oh well
                                                          oh well….

If my mind refuses to carry on
It will be reminded
again,
what will be done
must be done
and I will force these thoughts
to remain
until this day is forgotten
and all other days
that have come
before it
Should words ever fail me
again,
my actions
will speak
louder.

One of these days
I suppose
things will turn out right
because I am trying
and I’d like to think
that there is light at the end of the tunnel I have been wandering through

I would like to believe
I will make peace will all those who have done wrong by me
because hate is too big a burden
for my fragile form to carry
and from here
I will walk towards a better future
and never look back

We write to reach out
to anyone
who is close enough
to read the words
that spill from our minds
Trying
without gain
for those that stop
to make them see
to make them stay
If only long enough to feel again
but as is the way of things
they linger for just a moment
then continue on their way
as the world stops for no one
and surely not for the troubled writer
lost in isolation
and ever searching
for a friend

Set fire to my mind
before you warm my heart
I cannot survive
by your touch alone
Ignite my thoughts
into firey passion
or walk through the darkness
alone

Your letters have begun to clutter up my desk
your belongs have taken up my bookshelves
and now your image has filled all parts
of my mind
How sad of me
to keep repeating old conversations
adding new words I wish I had said
and to still walk the long way home
we used to take in the spring to see the flowers
and to prolong the inevitable goodbye
How sad of you
to say goodbye
How sad of me
to refuse to believe that time will continue
long after you had left me

Blurred Images dance
on the walls

No matter how many times
I ask
They refuse to do anything
but share my company

Blurred shadows dance
And I
the rejected soul that I am
will follow
blindly

For like them
my love is uncertain
beautiful
and tragic.

It wasn’t until I was certain
that you were gone
I realized how much it hurt
to know your presence would be
by my side
no longer
You let me go,
and now you linger on
in the bittersweet sense
of every breath
from here on out
refusing to let go of my mind
long after It was certain
you were never coming back.

Feeling is such an undecided blessing and curse
for whom will it turn to
and who will it turn for
Once you vow yourself to another
what can you say
when you have lost all feeling from before
having no intention
of finding it again

The heart we carry is so fragile
and we are so young
What a shame that we cannot remove ourselves from another life
without taking a piece of them with us
When so many have taken you apart
and so many have left your side
how can you open your eyes
to the light

I have loved and lost
Though we are apart
I would never fall from regret
If only you had left apart of yourself
for me too

I tried my best to miss you
during my lonely walks home
I wore the clothing I knew loved
and carried your ring with me
wherever I went

but I couldn’t help but wonder
why I was trying
so hard
to miss something
I didn’t

I stopped trying to see you
in every man I met
and every kind voice I heard
and soon
you found your way
to the back of my mind
and that’s where you stayed
because
you belonged
nowhere else.

Holding on
to those we love
exposes absolute weakness
as a pure surrender of the soul
To entrust your entirety
in another
is so marvelous
so delicate
to believe
another human
can take all of you
hold on
and never
ever
let go
Such a promise
we so willingly make
to those we cherish most
reminds me
of how beautiful we are
How miraculous can the universe be
allowing us to see the whole world
in other human being
in a personal
paradise.

I welcome the rain
like a long lost friend
who left long ago.
Offering no goodbye
because
no words were needed

I hold it close
as a mother her child.
wrapped in fleece
comforted
to the sound of a heart beat

I walk away
as a old lover does
to the only one he ever cared for
Loving whole heartedly
as time had run its course
and with a sad smile
turned away

I breathe
I live
And I will live to see the rain another day

I cannot recall
the last time I sat alone
to think
enjoyed a full meal
or felt the warmth of love
weaken my knees
and that is enough
to spark worry in my soul

In my world
I am never lonely
I do not lack in possessions
or the adoration of a stranger
from time to time

Perhaps what I long for
rests in a world
beyond the city
and far away
from all I have worked
to achieve

The seasons
have become longer
and more thoughtful
with their visits
taking time
to watch the robins take wing
and the golden leaves fall
perhaps
it is time
I did so
as well.

Truth be told

It took me 18 years
to learn how to swallow my pride
and apologize
to those I have done wrongly by
whose feelings I hurt
and whose opinions I overlooked

It also took me 18 years
to learn that taking all the pain
wasnt mandatory
that instead of being broken down
and fixing myself up again
I had the option
to walk away

It may have taken me
nearly 2 decades
of wasted years
but at least now
I can finally
live.

I told her my thoughts travel
with the changing breezes
and shifting tides

Nothing stayed for long in my world
all that surrounded me was a mass of confusion and chaos

She asked me what was permanent
Not the memories
the people
the buildings
not even myself
Then why should I continue this useless life
knowing nothing lasts forever
why should I coexist with all
that can never stay

That is when
she looked into my eyes
and asked me to try
and that
was all it took

I’ve been trying for her
ever since

It wasn't my warm body against the cold bed
the subtle creeping darkness,
the sound of the rain against the window pane,
or the sound of my own breathing
that kept me awake
on a night like this.
But the constant reminders
of what I could have done
what I should be doing
where I should be.
I now understand
to achieve my dreams
I must be
Anywhere
But
Here.

A strong weariness
has taken over the worn out shell
that is my own
no amount of rest
can cure

As each day passes
more reasons will be made
to give into temptation
and revert to old habits
from simpler times

Though these thoughts will linger
they will be nothing more
than faint whispers through the night

If these days find ways
to go on
than I
must do the same

If you leave
it is your decision
I will not follow you
or leave heartfelt messages
to return to me
to change your mind
and warm your heart
If you leave
you go alone,
but if you return
I will be here
just the same

No one will be there save you
whenever you please
or listen
with sympathy

They smile when you fall
Hidden by masks
they laugh
but hide away
should you choose
to stand again

And you will stand again
because no one can ever hurt you
as long as you are there
to save yourself

Down
where the rusted taste on my tongue
Is all that remains of what treasures are kept in my veins
Breaking free
holding the warmth
the haze
and salt water
Counting the heart beats

Grasping at the surface
too far down
Filling up with
The warmth
the painful haze
and the bitter salt
Reminded one last time of the beauty of living
the beauty of life
A thousand breaths
A thousand cries
A thousand thoughts
The essence of time
wasted away

All goes cold
And I am free