sometimes I find it hard to talk to you
so I make lists in my sleep,
of something I could say.
but still I come up empty.
what is it about you?
I can’t live with you or without you.
every single day, I sit in my anxiety.
trying to find a way to say anything.
won’t you remember that I’m your baby?
and if you give a ****, won’t you not leave me?
you’re the one I’ll always choose,
please be mine and don’t waste my time.
love me for who I’m meant to be,
so won’t you please give me something?
because sometimes it’s hard for me to talk to you.

my days are longer without you near
the sun sets slower, and my nights stay darker
the clock is ticking but I feel no remnant
I drag my feet behind me with my chin to my chest
kicking up dust with my shoes
what I live is a pattern of monotony
a constant loop of never-ending tedium
the rising and setting of the sun is all the same
it’s a pointless cycle of idle moments
sitting still instead of doing
each hour is a broken record catching on its hinge
it doesn’t move forward, but neither backward
not until I spend my days next to you
because seconds last longer when I’m not with you

it’s alright if you run out breath
no one will blame you
making mistakes is okay
it all happens to everyone
please don’t be ******* yourself
be well

I’ll never understand
what you may go through
but I promise I’ll always hold you
I’ll hold your heart in my hands
protect it with the last of me
I’ll always love you and all your imperfections
because loving you is all I do

when the light has faded behind the horizon
and the darkness has made itself at home
I’ll be there by your side
together we’ll walk hand in hand
toward the sea of healing
no matter how long the path is
I’ll be there every step of the way

this is my promise
that everyday I’ll choose you
even when the life has been swept away
I’ll cover you in all my love
beside you until the end

no one has ever made me feel the way you do
and because that I’m grateful
I want to make you happy
all the days I live
you are my forever
and I love you with all I am, it’s unexplainable
all I know to do is follow you

you are my light and my friend
my greatest joy and treasure
and you are my love

you’re my glass slipper
immaculately formed just for me
there’s only one of you
that was refined for only me
and together we fit
we fit just perfectly

brows knit in aggression
he a predator, I his prey
my head bowed to him,
his eyes locked solely on me.

I felt his warmth come closer,
I sensed his every move.
the way his eyes were dark with power,
left me breathless and afraid.

I craved this kind of pleasure,
the kind derived from pain.
and as I felt his fingers coil on me,
the churning turned to flame.

my desire was unrestrained,
uncontrollable and overwhelming.
only he could put my fire,
with the touch of burning care.

just because I enjoy solitude doesn’t mean I feel alone.
sometimes for me silence is what soothes my soul.
truly, when I’m off by myself I’m not in part, but in whole.
I can finally sit in my creative throne.
I can reflect on the past and see how I’ve grown.
I honestly prefer not parting my lips,
but rather, I like to keep my pen going in my fingertips.
because in my solace I write in my own tone.
I favour the quiet over the noise.
I’d much rather be my own one and only.
for when in silence I am full of poise.
because when I’m alone I am not lonely.

I feel as if you already should’ve known,
I am not lonely when I’m alone.

when I look at you
love is alive in my eyes
it still lives in me

with his love I’m surely freed,
given a life beyond me.
he takes my pain, makes it his very own,
now bearing the weight at my side.
all I do, is for You, for the love, You give to me.
behold the man who loves me free.
I was dead now brought to life.
his love rescued me.
in the deepness of the nights,
he lays quiet at my side.
and when I’m bound with fear,
he reminds me that he is near.

if you went away tomorrow
I hope you’d take my love away with you
as your body returned to the dust in which it came
I would pray your last thought would be my love
and when you closed your eyes, I hope you’d feel my lips
the kisses that translated a love I couldn’t speak

my mouth can never say all that you mean to me
my body can never show all the affection I feel
because I’m everything I am today because of you

I am a lover
from the deepest parts of me
of words and of you

I want to take it all away from you
every last ounce of discomfort, bring it to me
I will bear it on the back of my shoulders
never letting you see the way it weighs me down
if I could take it all tomorrow, if it were gone tomorrow, you wouldn’t have to worry again
I’d hold it without a hint of pain on my face
I would breathe for you, be the breath in your lungs, give you the strength you need for today
if I could take it all tomorrow, I would take it all away, I would put it on myself without hesitation
I’d take the soreness, the fatigue, and weakness
without a second guess, it would be gone tomorrow, you would feel no more pain tomorrow

everywhere I go
you’re not
it’s all you
you, you, you, you

I love, my love. this love I give to you.
here, love! find rest in my ***** of sleep.
dear, heart. I beseech you, open your pain.
let hurt flow and feel the stinging of the rain.
pray, do not hide from my shield.
instead, won’t you come find shelter in your grief?
I implore, implore! I swear to you I hear.
no judgement shall find you, from what you whisper in my ear.
I promise you refuge, and a never-ending love,
shall descend on you like healing light from above.
come, humble vagrant.
pursue my listening ears.
I promise to never push you away,
no matter what it is you say.
I see your value, your identity, your worth.
such beauty given at your birth.
I ache and long to share your pain,
help in anyway I can.
I’ll take your pain and your sorrows,
I’ll make them my very own.
here I am to love, like a fetter bind thy to me.

I'm tired of fighting for your affection
an attention that never comes
I look forward in anticipation
only to be met with disappointment
that you don't take romantic leads

all I wanted was a kiss
a kiss I had craved since the last
I hadn’t even asked for much
just a moment with you
and no one else
nothing even outrageous
just an innocent second of love
with no prying, teasing eyes
a time where I could take you in
feel you and all your affection

I buried my head in your shoulder in vexation
closing my eyes and instead relishing your warmth
and yearning for a day with no interruptions
where I can focus on you, and only you
because all I want is your love wrapped in a kiss

maybe I do love him.
despite every time I try to deny it all,
it still hurts sometimes.
I’ll always remember how he kissed me,
held my head gently in his hands,
pulled me close and touched me just right.
I want it to get easier,
slowly letting go of the one who damages me,
but he lays claim to me,
every time I try to give my heart away.
reminding me he had me first,
and knowing that I’ll always fall for his touch.
I’ll never escape him,
because I could never say no to him.
he knows the power he holds over me,
knows how easily he could have what he wants.
my hopeless heart cries out,
praying for a form of clarity,
that never comes.

when I called your name
you came running to be beside me
no matter the hour
you’re always there
holding me during my storm
all of my fears fade away
when I’m in your arms and love
you’re my shield and cornerstone
you don’t hesitate when my horror is too much
you whisper gently in my ear that all is alright
that you’re there and I’m safe with you

sometimes I wonder
if you think about me too
or if you forget

when I fell in love, I became depressed. it snuck up on me, so subtly I hardly even noticed at first. I began to wonder what went wrong, or if anything had actually gone wrong. and nothing had.

I became depressed when I fell in love. not because of him. not because of what he did because he did everything right. I became depressed because I was afraid that I was messing up. ruining our relationship before it could even start. I was worried that I would **** this up, and I was scared because this was the one person I didn’t want to **** things up with.

and that’s why I began to be depressed, the moment I fell in love. the deepest realms of my mind began to tell me I wasn’t good enough for someone as perfect as him. that soon, he would leave me just like the rest of them. but he’s not like the others and I know that so well. he’s different in the fact that he loves me purely, not for some material reason. with all my heart I love him, and I know he loves me too, but these sinister parts of me haunt me to my core.

when I became depressed, I knew I was in love. such a morbid indicator but it meant something. it meant that for once I knew I had someone who loved me more than anyone else had. it meant that I loved them too. I loved them so much that I was afraid of ruining it. I dwelled on it so often I sent my mind spiraling out of control. an unhealthy cycle of doubt and worry. insecurity tangled with feelings of not being worthy enough. for how could I, someone so scarred, be entrusted to somebody so perfect?

I tiptoed on ice around my feelings that danced like ghostly figures. they whispered nothingness into my ear that I tried to push away, but couldn’t. I held so tightly onto the three words he spoke over and over and over to me, clinging with all my might that just maybe that warm feeling that radiated through me with each syllable would somehow overpower the darkness. and it did.

every time he said he loved me a stitch was sown onto my broken heart. each smile, every laugh slowly pieced me back together again. he fixed me, just as he promised. his gentle spirit, his kindness that brought me to my knees in tears and relief healed every broken thing inside of me. his constant reassurance, his selflessness and his patience in times I didn’t deserve it, fixed me. though doubts and fear still come my way, leaving me helpless and uneasy, I know that the darkness lies, and it always has.

when I fell in love, I became depressed. but the longer I loved, the more joy that began to fill my heart. with every tender touch and gentle whisper, he restored my soul again. and in loving him, one so perfect and kind, purified my heart to love without fear and to love him unconditionally. because I am enough. I’ve always been enough.

I’d rather be a pigeon
than a blue bird.
I’d rather be me, and be free,
then sit in my cage and act pretty.

His eyes were as soft as clouds, yet filled with a hardness one cannot put a finger on.
Though the eyes, orbs of themselves, lingered in a gaze of yearning, they comforted the pounding heartbeat. The voice, brimmed with wit soothes The Anxious with clement care.

He was not caught up, not tangled in the briars of fear, he stood firm, as the shade loomed above his shoulders. The tender voices hushed at his presence, falling into the quiet of the dark.

The Gate was swung ajar, beckoning with an outstretched hand, fingers curling, saying: “come this way.” He took a transfixed step forward, but his confusion swept him away.

Dare he attempt to find the opened Gate?
Or shall he await for it to find him once more?

they don’t know.
they don’t know.
I tell myself over and over and over.
it’s impossible,
purely impossible,
for one to know my thoughts.
they cannot see me,
they cannot know,
so why is it I hesitate.
this feeling of paranoia,
so strong it drives me to insanity,
bedevils me even now.
I will myself to persuade my mind
that truly they do not know,
cannot know, will not know.
I tremble in the moment,
the ones that debilitate me,
leave me questioning my own reality.
it feels that they’re inside my head,
beckoning me...taunting me.
but I tell myself no, no,
no way in hell can they know.
for surely it is not possible,
for them to see me.
so why do these anxieties plague me,
over things I know they cannot know.

it is my heart language.
a tongue my soul needed to flourish.
one that only I could come to find,
a language that I needed to discover for myself.
in uncovering this alone,
I was able to grow more,
more than if it was my native speech.

though it may not be my mother tongue,
spiritually it is a part of me, it always has been.
I needed a trigger, an experience,
to unearth this buried part of my existence.
I was meant to speak this language,
one many may speak,
but few understand to its depth and its core.

it is a God given gift,
one He meant for me to find in my solace,
a part of my soul He waited eagerly for me to find.
when I found this part of myself,
I understood my trials and my pains.
this tongue erased my scars, healed my wounds.
it buried my shame, and unveiled my soul.

I love you,
in the strangest way one could.
my heart longs for you,
but I know you’re far from my reach.
everything is different,
when I am with you.
I want you to cherish me,
maybe love me too.
but I know that’s not how you are.
I want you to live up to your name,
be enDearing, because you’re winsome.
be enchanting and gentle.
but everything is polar opposite.
I pray you bear no malice,
hold no ill intent inside your heart.
but o, how pretentious the knave is!
woe, a look of haughty disdain.
I want to give you my gift,
wrapped tenderly in years of refinement.
though I fear you would not accept it humbly.
you take me lightly, just another prize.
a dozen shots you’ve drank,
when I’ve drank not one.
your lips on mine, uninvited.
but soon warmly welcomed with their craft.
what makes you special,
is what I think on.
from one mouth I learned you defended me.
spoke up for my aching mind,
when I was no where near.
I sense your callousness breaking,
as earnest eyes begin to leak.
I meander through this labyrinth,
weaving in and out of all these chances.
so please don’t scar my heart,
not when I open up so much to you.
I let myself feel when I’m with you.
letting you touch my skin, but also my soul.
is this all just some gods experiment?
an experiment where I have no say.
where I’m given paradise,
but only for a day.

I fell deeper into the touch you gave me
a colorful darkness surrounded my mind
my breath was aligned, my soul cried out
every inch I felt of you left me breathless
your warmth became my addiction
I craved it more and more
I pressed into your hand upon my skin
as it etched it’s loving claim on me
the gentleness that fueled your affection
made my body yearn so deeply
all I seem to do is ache without you
a dull pain permanently resides
between my ribs and on my skin
no medicine or elixir
could ever cure me of this ache
only a touch of your skin upon my own
could wipe away every pain
you do it time and time again
every time I breathe you in
and your every press on my skin
is what cures my every sting
I hold no fear of death when you hold me
all my anxiety is washed away
I only felt the then and there
because I couldn’t get enough of you
and my prayer is for this to be our forever

just tell me that you think I look pretty tonight
and that my eyes look dazzling under lights
please don’t hesitate on all that you’re thinking
because now all the thoughts in my head are spinning

you were here and gone so fast
it felt too soon but your presence calmed me
the second you left I felt distressed
my heart was drug behind you
when you walked away
I wanted to follow and cling to you
and never let you go
you ease my mind and I forget my pain
every single second I’m with you
I’m lost, helpless and afraid without you
when I leave you it’s a struggle
my mind shuts down and I panic
the world caves in and I can’t breathe
I want to be in your arms again
I need to feel you beside me again

I knew the moment I saw you, that you were the love of my life
seeing the way you glow when you smile,
and how your eyes almost squeeze all the shut when you laugh,
makes my heart skip a beat.
you stole my breath away with the sound of your voice, a voice so calming and true.
you mesmerized me with your thoughts,
and I was captivated by everything you said.
you left me inquisitive, curious and yearning.
I could never help but be freed from my burdens and worries when I was next to you.
your warmth enveloped me like a kiss,
and I could never get enough of it.
I promised myself right then and there to love you.
I whispered gently, so gently that only I could hear,
that you were the love of my life.

when I hear the footsteps up the stairs,
I know there’s something coming.
either a lecture, a scolding or a request,
it’s hardly not these.

just sometimes when I hear these footsteps,
I wish it’d be for good.
for them to ask about my day,
or about the boy I love.

but rather it’s a list of things I do not do.
I can’t clean right, I don’t work, I haven’t any perfect grades.
so they take the time at night,
to shame me for these ways.

I want them to come upstairs,
with smiles on their face.
to praise me for the things I do do right,
and not the things I do wrong.

with all due respect,
please don’t love me yet.
my heart is too fragile,
too broken, still it aches.
I can’t take another heartbreak,
I’m too afraid to let you in.
as much as I want to,
I’m too ******* with the past.
I beg of you,
please don’t love me yet.
I’m not ready, it’s moving all too fast.
hold the names on your tongue,
please don’t say them yet.
my eyes they burn with tears,
as fear begins to pool.
I cannot love you yet,
I’m too freshly healed.
this has nothing against you,
not one bit it does not.
I want to fix myself,
so maybe I can love you best.
I wince at the names you call me,
please don’t call me that yet.
I don’t have the heart to tell you this,
how can anybody?
I wish to rid myself of the pain,
to let go and let you in.
but I can’t, I just can’t.
please let’s take this slow.
we’re moving far too fast.
I don’t mind the stories and the questions,
but please hold off on love.
is it so hard to ask?
with all due respect,
please don’t love me yet.

I’ve handled worse than this.
I didn’t bend when I should’ve broke,
I didn’t slip when I should’ve fell.
Holding my head high I faced my giants,
even with a heavy heart I still fought.

I question if it’s me that’s the problem,
being so blind, oblivious.
things don’t make sense sometimes,
I try to figure it out and I come up empty handed.
I can never fully grasp why.

I’ve carried a much heavier weight between my ribs,
my heart has broken so much worse,
so why is it that this time I shrug my shoulders?
not to brush it off, but embrace it?
I’ve finally learned without conflict there’s no peace.

We learn through our riots the meaning of calm.
Without them would it be as sacred?
Would our peace be as precious if it’s all we’d ever known?
Learning to not take for granted our sunshine is the first step in accepting the rain.
To run from war at first, means you can’t appreciate the freedom after.

If I were to tell someone I was abused, I feel at first they would not believe me. They would demand to see the bruises, read the proof, look at the prescription.

But one thing society does not understand is that emotional and psychological abuse doesn’t have a word-for-word textbook definition. It can vary from person to person. What may be traumatic for one, may be harmless to another.

It’s because of this very concept that I’m lacking the help I need. I’m having to help myself deal with the burdens I can hardly even carry. Reminding myself that “I’m safe.” and there’s no way that they can get to me anymore is draining and exhausting.

My own parents would laugh at the idea of my suffering. I hate the thought but it’s how I feel. They would say, “but it’s been so long. you need to get over it already. it’s fine.” but what is it they don’t understand?

Forget the rhyme of “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Words go deeper than any cut, actions linger than a broken bone, so why can’t they for once open their eyes and see that their daughter is broken inside?

Can they not see past my smiles and happiness? Even a happy person has scars too. Even a confident soul has burdens to carry. No one escapes from that fact of life.

I’m the happiest I’ve been in my life after I left you. But the things you did to me still hurt. And just because I’m the best I’ve ever been, does not mean I’m excluded from pain, and denied help.