seasons are changing
and miracles are coming
do you understand the signs?

(or do you misinterpret them
the same way that i do
every godforsaken time?)

i wish i had known how to hold on
to good things while they lasted
and appreciate them for what they were

but alas, i am a coward
a selfish coward who never learned
that the weight of my words

was just as painful as the blow of a fist
and the spark in your eyes
were drowned out by the fires in my mind

my insecurities and paranoia
drove even the kindest away
this was why the good never stayed with me

                         shakespeare spoke the truth
                         the fault had never been in the stars
                         but in my own self

lover, take my hand
let me love you inside and out
with your flaws and fears and faults

how could this be wrong
everything is telling me this is right
my heart tells me you are the one

rock my world to its very core
they say the problem is we are too young
my heart says we are old enough to be in love

however hard it might have been for us
God or gods must have planned soulmates
it feels like we were always meant to be

be my lover, be my one, i love you
you who are so beautiful
the moon pales in comparison

come, hold my hand, my lover
give me your heart and i'll offer you mine
let us be alone together, tonight

you look so happy without me
it feels like i am drowning in regret because
i just wish i could make you smile like that

i wish i could make you smile as you do now
make you laugh as you do, standing next to her
make you happy the way she makes you

you two even have matching necklaces
wearing matching colors, matching
the way we did when we were together

but now your smile matches hers
and that is all that is different
but it makes all the difference

do you feel better
now that you are distant
and detached
from every single emotion
you have ever met

the pastel sun pulls
clouds into cotton candy
i think this is love

the roads get wider
these mixed signals and blurred lines
love looks for green lights

the skies burn orange
monarch butterflies fly free
this has to be love

this is it, maybe—
just the closest to lovers
that we’ll ever be

i didn't know how angry
a scar could be until i saw
one on myself it was something
like a pocket-sized chilean coast
dragged across my knee disrupting  
and hills still dispersing as an acl
torn but unseen like how the many
excerpts of dreams were wiped clean
the anger is always ephemeral but
it always comes back whenever
i want to feel breeze in hair perhaps
i just miss the delaware river scene
and a long ago when my pencils
moved too quickly for my thoughts
yes indeed maybe i just miss loving
the journey not for the end like the
part where i did not know anything yet
still believed that it was all for the better

i will keep skipping stones in the dark until
my feet grow wet and my ears become filled
with the pitter-patters echoing across the pond

will these whispers reach your daffodils that sway so far away?
will your flowers feel the warmth that i offer to the breeze?
will the winds lay mercy on the hope that i hold so close?

so for selfish reasons, i ask you to look away, narcissus:
your love for that reflection has already dug you
a grave deep enough to smother apollo's sun

and i, painted forever as foolish, naive echo—
and i, who have already lost my voice and home—
my love, i cannot bear to lose you, too

someone i know was stuck in singapore
when her father passed away in china
and lately, i think i've developed a fear
of flying, but for all of the wrong reasons

so while others' stomachs perform flips and
all the engines and babies incessantly whine
and while someone worries about their own death
i sit, wholly at peace with the possibility of mine

but still terrified for everything after you drop me off
i am so terrified to just board this plane and fly away
every time i have to turn and leave home again
i am terrified it will be the last time i see your face

i'm calling your name
i don't think he notices
but can you hear me?

his body is warm
a heart of gold, but stone cold
fingers trace my skin

hold the dial tones
wrap it tight around my neck
tell me you love me?

i want to hear it
it'd so be easy to fall
for your words again

calling you again
no, you don't have to answer
i just miss your voice

                                voices in my head
                                it’s harder than expected
                                i’ll finish alone

It took a few years to find ourselves.
In that time, my hair grew out,
and your height grew tall.
We grew like sunflowers.

All the other girls wanted crowns,
along with a Prince Charming,
while I took up fencing, and learned
how to shoot a basketball properly.

You learned the arts, how to
play sharp staccatos and paint pastel skies,
while the boys your age were
breaking windows with baseballs.

Your performances stunned the crowds.
Your fingers moved mountains.
You came to my competitions.
My saber moved faster than light.

From a distance, was how we grew.
We were the sky and the sea,
watching each other from a distance.
So close, yet so far apart.

how did i romanticize this in such a way
there were no soft whispers, no shy touches
we moved quick, with staggered rhythms

neither of our hips lined up properly
we sounded more animalistic than anything
it was good, alright, a good ****, alright, but

this wasn't quite what i was looking for
lust wasn't quite what i was asking for
you weren't quite what i was hoping for

i rewind my watch so many times
grasping the leather for a touch of magic
to bring back all that we once had

the lights illuminate the night sky
and i watch from the carnival ride
reminded of the last time we had stood here

as tonight goes down in flames
i cannot help but hope this is how we die
young and dumb and unafraid

the two of us are both in someone else's arms
separated by a sea and a telephone wire
you would have told me to be brave

i write out the letters and
i send them without shaky hands
is this it? is this growth?

i find it stupid that we were taught
two negatives cancel out to be a positive
do two wrongs ever cancel out to be a right?

ages ago, i made two stupid mistakes
hooking up with you in the gallery and losing your number
but i bet you're doing just fine

it's been three years, counting the first
and it's depressing to think about but
my memories have started to fade with time

i can't remember the tilt of your smile
the curves of your dimples or the lilt of your accent
if your hometown was cambridge, quincy, or boston

i can't recall the feeling of your fingers woven through mine
or the warmth of your body pressed against mine
or the way my heart raced from your words

so i'll tuck away whatever's left of the good times
into a little chamber in my heart
let it simmer and boil and wait

until the day we find each other again
i'll keeping looking back and thinking
i'll keep looking back until i realize again

english is a strange language
red is a mesmerizing color
my guitar sounded better when you were playing it

two past events cancel out to form the present
only one of the two mistakes previously mentioned was stupid
and when i said i loved you, i meant it

who in their right mind
would choose to hide skeletons
in their closets, of all places

my neighbor's backyard looks lovely
i helped him design it
you should know, i am no fool

not quite six feet under
the casket is more white than wood
but grey really brings out her eyes

                               well, won't you look at that?
                               my love's been immortalized
                               in a sepulcher of stone

what a tragedy it would have been
if you had loved me when i had confessed
because now i know, i hadn't understood then

that my definition of love had been  
not so much actually loving but rather just
a romanticized idea of being in love instead

i wince because you wanted me
to love you tenderly and tirelessly,
but tragically for you, all you ever did

was waste my precious time. so, sure,
you can twist my words, do it for
your own self-assurance, but i will

note yours down accurately, for my
own sanity and art; i can handle being
publicly contempted, but we both know,

deep down, you are still attempting
to be something you are so clearly not

before i bought these airpods
we used to share earbuds
and sit on the swings—

there was a nice and calm
between us every time we laughed
even as my phone fell and its screen cracked

you know, i hated beautiful clichés
(and i loved romanticized tragedies)
until we became one

i know that we were young and naïve
and our promises were vague
but i assure you, when i said

"i will love you until the end of time"
i spoke with my whole heart
dangling on a line

snap back to reality
where we sneak out of windows
and bike down the midnight streets
with weary hearts and unsteady feet
to meet each other
in the middle of the night
the only time we can hold each other
without being burdened by judging eyes

a cardboard closet just for you and me
in the corner of the universe
where we hide silently, waiting
for the planets to align, waiting
for the stars to align, waiting
for some kind of sign
simply just waiting while
we are lost in each other's eyes

and after a long time
i finally realized
that the constellations in the sky
have always aligned
with lines of your hands
and the curve of your waist
and even the glow of dying stars
reflected the warmth of your skin

but snap back to reality,
with cameras in the corners
and sneaking out is like escaping hell
and with a window comes freedom
but free-falling fifteen feet down
and landing myself in the hospital
with a broken leg or a bruised ego
would just make things worse

so this becomes the reason why
i am choking on my breath under a dark sky
with a heart that has forgotten how to beat
a mouth that has forgotten how to speak
and lungs that have forgotten how to breathe
because i am trapped within a false reality
of what could have been and should have been
of what we were and what we could never be

mother, my grades do not define me
an A+ will not bring me wealth
see, you’d understand if you asked
if you’d checked in with my mental health

mother, no one should have to prove themselves
self-worth is found in the heart and mind
not in jewelry, clothes, and cars
nor mansions, bars, and wine

mother, life is different now
it’s not how things were in the 90’s
it’s not supposed to be all work and no play
people my age are just teens

mother, *******
can’t you understand, this is Gen Z
let me slow down and waste time
and let things run the way they’re meant to be

mother, this is my life
not a stock to trade or buy
i’m not a human investment
just a girl trying to live her life

mother, stop controlling me
let me test the limits myself
in a world where experience is needed
let me regret and learn by myself

mother, you need to let go
stop holding the strings over my life
the next time i feel this way
i might just cut the tie

mother, my confidence is at a low
it’s not my mind, but my environment
it’s the way you berate me, call me useless
and shamed me to the place i’m now in

mother, maybe one day i’ll forgive you
for the childhood that you stole from me
for being the main reason why i look in the mirror
and see a worthless, tired girl that's lonely

                           mother, maybe one day, you’ll recognize
                           how you’ve unsuccessfully tried your best
                           to raise a perfect asian daughter
                           but she turned out more bitter than the rest

if i had told you how much
i hated this stupid santa barbara pier
you might have stayed for centuries

was it not you who said
was it not you who promised
you would be here for me if i called

all i say now is this:
i still see your eyes
in the blue of the skies

i still hear your laugh
bouncing off the high tides
i still hold millions of memories

that play on an infinite loop
fading images of your expression of shock
of you, forever sixteen, never changing

i can still feel your breath
the way you whispered for me to leave
how could i have left?

did you think i could just go home
wash your blood off of my hands
and sleep in a half-empty bed?

i wish i had told you how much
i hated this stupid santa barbara pier
if it meant you could have stayed

brother knows you better
brother knows you the best
he stands beside you, steady
as they lay your lover to rest

“i’m sorry,” he whispers, softly and slowly
why is it now that he chooses to be kind?
when all that you have ever wanted
is now six feet under, left behind

weeks later still, he watches you with sorrow
and under the weight of his gaze, you crack
anger flares and strikes
“why do you look at me like that?”

he turns his head away
but you’re stubborn and won’t turn back
“what loss have i suffered that you must be
so sorry, and look at me like that?”  

brother had always been a poet
he had always been soft with words
but the ones that gave his answer
this time, they really did hurt

“tell me,” you had demanded,
your breath puffing under the sun.
he had smiled bitterly as he replied—
                                        “a great one.”

in the morning, i will feign ignorance,
pretending to be fast asleep and unaware
as you pull on your shirt and socks

we should have been theater concentrators, like,
if we never talk about it, it just never happened
you're just so nonchalant, and i'm just melodramatic

and i'm never satisfied unless it's something tragically comic
so tonight, let's pretend to be enemies, let's become lovers,
let's drown in shared regrets, get too familiar with each other

after all, tomorrow, when we wake, it'll all be over
your missing friends and my crushing hangover
will, once again, inevitably, reduce us to strangers

i wanted to write like josé olivarez,
to love, plain and simple, and to let
the light in, shamelessly, for all to see

but she wanted a t.s. eliot, maybe a surrealist
portrait, or a picasso to my pissarro, and a tiptoe
around the elephants, for a look into me, endlessly

as if always in search of some deeper, divine meaning,
we parted our ways, but now i no longer feel like me
i have lost my rhythm, though i have not stopped reading

i fall into ignorance; i am called out for perfunctories; so
other than a casual fear of forevers, i now also know: my love
tastes like cheap prose, and an atrophied fondness of writing

passports, abstracts, and cigarettes
i swear it was all just for the aesthetics
thin walls, smoke screens, and window tints
we crawled through one just for the hell of it

it's nineteen and nose rings, i got asked for an id
we're twenty-one in jersey, you like my con artistry
i borrowed a street sign and failed to book an uber ride
everything is so much messier than i would've liked

i tired of people pleasing, and you never reply
we don't really need to talk about it
i try my best to not really think about it
said that i'm conceited, hedonistic, manipulative

but some nights i just want to drink until i start to lie
see, if coping was a job and paid an hourly wage
i'd be working overtime, id have a career drive
and i'd be a millionaire after six shots, or maybe five

according to einstein, time is relative
and by the law of jumping to conclusions
this means our lives are inconsequential

so technically, i could spend a forever in jail, or
you could spend a couple years in a hospital bed
and nothing would really matter all

relative to me, however,
one of these situations would be bearable
and the other not so much

i can live with my dumb decisions
like driving too fast for too long or
even ****** for a righteous cause, too

i can survive my self-destructive tendencies
but my world centers itself around you

The first time we met
was when we were six.
Your knees were pale and smooth.
Mine were littered with scars.

The first time we met,
They waited for the sky to fall.
They waited for days, until
they realized the sky was not falling.

Life went on.
We grew side by side.
The sky had yet to crash
into the sea.

They waited—
months flew by—
the prophecies cannot be wrong!
they said, shocked.

I told them that prophecies were just fairytales.
I was six, and I didn't believe in fairytales.
I told them they were wrong.
I was too confident.

don't ******* text your friends while
you're ******* driving and now
i'm this close to throwing your phone
out the window and into the highway so
put your phone down because
i'm trying to talk to you
and right now i'm trying to ******* say
that you shouldn't ******* text your friends
when you're behind the wheel
because you can crash and **** someone
and you're important to me
and i don't ******* want you or me to die
and if you're important to me then
i'm willing to spend my ******* time on you
and when i spend my time on someone
i'm pretty much just spending my ******* money
and you already know that most of the time
i don't have any ******* money and if i did
i would be spending that money on sunshine
and time to try and make us happier so
if you don't like what i have to offer
then i'm telling you to say ******* to my offer
and to stop being a coward and
to tell me how you really feel or
just get the hell out of here because
if you're wasting my money already
i refuse to let you waste my ******* time because
i've already spent years wasted on you
but you won't ******* love me back
the way i ******* love you and
instead every single time when
i want to leave you just have to pull me back
because you think that it's a great
decision to drag me along to
all of your ******* adventures with
all of your ******* friends and
all of your ******* boyfriends only
to ******* tell me that i never
really stood a chance with you
and that you just want us to be friends
but clearly you don't even understand how
to ******* be friends with someone
because if you ******* did you would be
talking to me in the car right now
and not texting your friends and
flirting with me nonstop and
i wouldn't have to be ******* remind you
how ******* dangerous it is
to text and drive.

the walls cave in quick
my wrists sink into the bed
the lights are flashing red
i guess this is the end

your lips, they worshipped
me a century ago
but now, they leave bruises
treasure maps along my throat

hospital white walls
but the floor's littered with cigarettes
and underneath these cold sheets
is a familiar sense of regret

"sorry," you'll say
and we'll make up again
"sorry," you'll say
and i'll come back again

paint—

on my brushes
my jeans
your shirts

on my arms
my fingers
your cheeks—

i'll be working
part-time
at the gallery, and

sweat—

on your neck
your shirt
my hoodie

on your skin
your jaw
my lips—

you'd be looking
at offers
to go pro.

i'll sell my paintings
but checks will only get me
oh so far, so

my wallet would be nearly
empty of dollar bills,
but with you,

my heart would be nearly
full of sunshine,
as long as i'm with you.

hell, i'll buy the
sunshine for you
if i could. and

i'll paint it on the canvas
(acrylic paint, mind you)
and i'll have it hung

up for display,
for you, for the world,
for everyone to see.

i'll come to your DI
games and
cheer for you,

would you come to the
gallery openings
and support me, too?

make art,
make love,
i guess.

We began as specks,
particles of dusk,
seen in a foreign place
from centuries away.

The prophecies had foreseen it.  
The oracle had spoken—
a collision so small in size,
yet so great in power

would tear the sky off its hinges
and send it crashing
through the mountains,
burying to the bottom of sea.

You were a bundle of white,
born on a boat on a summer day
as the clouds shimmered in tranquility,
and the sky reflected the sea.

I was born ****** and destitute,
with shadows so obsidian,
they claimed my soul and
set the sky on fire.

Two opposing forces like
you and me
had always been destined
for disaster.

Look, I think that it's perfectly normal for you to feel hurt and betrayed and just... be heartbroken and upset over someone like him. Because even though I always saw the ******* in him, it doesn't mean the guy you saw was invalid.

You just saw another side of him that I never saw, and I can't judge you for that, because if I had seen that side first, I'm sure that I would've probably done the same that you did and felt the same as you had.

But... I just want you to know, even though we've drifted apart over the years, I'm still here for you.

I'll always be here for you. You'll always have my shoulders to lean on, and you can always count on me to have your back. This is what friends are for, even ones that have started walking down different roads.

I'll turn around and come back for you. If I can't find my way back down the road, I'll pave a path to the middle so we can be friends again.

I know you probably don't want to trust me, but I'm your friend. He's broken your trust, but you should know I would never do that. I've never done it before, and I don't plan on ever doing it in the future.

I'll be with you, and together, we'll make through these hard times. Time heals everything. You'll turn out to be okay. I'll turn out to be fine, and I'll stay by your side. We'll be alright. It'll all be alright.

But right now, it's okay to not be alright.

Let it out. Cry it out. Scream it out. I'll listen.

Right now, I can't help but think that this situation is just like that one thing I learned in physiology class. Situs inversus, that condition where major organs' locations are inverted in the chest, and your heart's on the right side, instead of the left.

That's all that it is. It's just situs inversus for you right now. Your heart's just in the wrong place, with the wrong person.

In the end, you just have to wait. One day, the right person is going to waltz into your life, or run into you in the middle of the street, or something of that sorts, and it'll be alright.

I know that you're hurting, but you should know that you're loved. Because you are.

Loved, I mean. You are loved, and I mean it.

You're loved and you've been hurt and you probably think that it all ends with him, but don't worry. Don't worry at all. It's going to be okay. I'll be here with you for as long as you want me to stay.

It'll be alright.

You'll learn to trust again.

You'll learn to love again.

There are bruises on my knees
and blood dripping from my chin.
A bandage is stuck
on my cheek, beside my grin.

I have seen only a few summers,
yet I am already addicted.
The darkness retreats
to the corner of my soul.

The shadows kept me captive,
but the sunlight broke the bonds.
That moment, I knew, I was never
and will never be a caged bird.

the leaves have fallen
and the clouds are dark
the trees are left with
only branches and bark

you said that you loved me
so I gave you my heart
laid down my armor
and lowered my guard

i gave you my everything
i showed you the scars
that constantly reminded me
that loving was hard

i would have given you the sky
the sun, moon, and stars
the planets and the multiverse
we could have gone so far

how did i go
from all these lovely parts
to crying in silence
for the you-sized hole in my heart?