i don't miss my parents like good daughter should
simply because i have always been too independent

but recently i have been imagining crawling into bed with mom
she would still hold me if i asked her to
as tightly as she would've years ago

i wonder if i should ask her
i wonder how i could hold back the tears that i feel welling up inside of me even now, miles and weeks away
how do i apologize for not asking sooner?
how could i ever make up for that?

does she know that i love her

pressed up against your face
sun streaming in through the curtains
light caressing your cheeks
my arm hurts in this position
but i'll keep it still
if it means getting to be next to you

i want to hold your hand
without having to extend my own

i want to kiss you
without you knowing that i want to

i want you to know that i love you
without having to say it

face up on the ground
rain hits my face
i have been here before
lying in the mud
slowly enveloping me
like a hug
or perhaps more like a boa constrictor
my skin pulls upward
towards the stars
towards light
while my bones want nothing more
then to be laid to rest

i feel like a tiger
pacing in a cage
it is not poetic
in the way that
if the bars were opened
i would burst out
like a firecracker
it is instead in the way that
i would lie down where i stood
unable to leave.

the earth shifts
feet cling to ceiling
knives dance in my chest
up is down
but down is not up
silver drips off of my fingers
a sheen falling up
or was it down?

a deer is on the ceiling
or is she on the floor?
she whispers
"you cannot be what you wish to be
if you do not first wish"
the earth shifts
her coat gleams
her eyes shatter and repair
the earth collapses

she is gone

i put my fingers to my lips
all i taste is metal

and once again
we thought things would be different

and once again
things were not

i am just
too tired
to go on

everyone is scared
frantically reaching out
in the pitch
for something
for someone
anything to grasp onto
as though holding onto something
will no longer make them afraid
as though they are the only ones
tangled in dark

everyone is scared of the fact that they are the only one scared

smoke trails behind me
like the scar that runs down my wrist.
the smoke is wrapped around my eyes, too,
so i stumble
as the smoke envelops my body
and whispers in my ears.

legs sprawled out across the patchwork sofa,
he spoke.
"listen
if you're really feeling these things
and they hurt enough to make you act
like this
then, man, they're not stupid things to feel."
he didn't break eye contact,
just looked at me as i laid on the floor
holding back words
and holding back tears.

snip
snip
snip
my scissors go to work,
cutting away
the people "i don't need"
but blood is staining the paper
and only some of it is theirs.

and so a new chapter begins.
the protagonist will face many challenges
new characters will be introduced
challenges will reveal themselves
but the most exciting thing
is that there is still so much book left to read.

i'm so excited to begin.

i stumble over my words now.
it's a fight to wrestle them out of my mouth,
when before the flowed out like a river.

i'm fainter now.
it's a struggle to remember
that my new friends don't find me annoying
and that i don't need to lag behind,
waiting for an invitation.

i'm worse now.
summer is ending and all i have to show
is a quieter me
    a nervous me
    a wish-i-wasn't-here me
    a why-can't-i-just-do-something me

    a second-rate me

jealousy really is a disease, isn't it?

a shame it had to infect me

you caught my eye
i caught your hand

laughter rings out
lacing between our fingers

it's just us us us
and i don't need to ask for anything more

have i run out of words?
because

i

cant
..seem

t o



          fi n d


                                  t
                           h
                                  
                                                    e

                      m

it just takes a second
a sound
a feeling
before i can remember so clearly
what it felt
to be above the clouds
running with the angels
the sun illuminating their golden skin and their golden smiles
to be high on living
each time it stings
each time i wish i was back
each time i know i can’t

but for a moment i can see my golden skin again

your hands left inky marks
on my skin
and i don't have any soap
all i can do is scratch and scratch
but it's still there
it's still there

i made a promise
that i would never miss you
but we're parting ways
and i already feel an ache

i miss you

i miss your smile

i miss your soft brown hair

i miss your nice smelling sweaters

i miss your laugh when you saw a cute dog

i miss you so much oh g o d do i but missing you

won't
bring
you
back

get up, kid
wipe the dirt from your pants
wipe the blood from your cheeks

get up, kid
bare your teeth with your chapped lips
bare your fists with your bruised knuckles

get up, kid
scream
scream and let your throat go raw
but don't stop
       don't stop
       don't stop

get up, kid
make me proud

we just want to get out of here
to run across the galaxy
skinning our knees on asteroids
dipping our toes in lakes of nebulae
playing ball with planets
flying through the universe

because we can't breath this oxygen the earth supplied us
because we ripped the chains
that held us to earth with our teeth
eating up the determination
that pulled on us to get us out out out
to finally go on adventures
to finally breath in the stars
to finally take a spaceship to another place
because we just want to get out of here

you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved you are loved

please don't forget it

the rain
just keeps on coming
and coming
and coming
and coming
taking away
the dirt
the grime
with buckets
and buckets of water

i just hope it takes away
some of my thoughts with it
leaving only flowers to grow in its place

we made eye contact through the mirror
as she slowly played with my hair behind me
she sighed, shaking her head slightly.

"you know? you just have to force yourself to do what you love."

you reminded me of honey
soft skin
sweet smile
my lips kissing yours
while the sunlight
cast us in a champagne sheen of gold

i can't remember my dreams anymore
not the ones i fashioned when i was asleep
nor when i was awake

"what do you miss most in the world?"
"you."
"but i'm right here."
"that's the problem."

"do you love me?"
"i did once."

i complain about the wall between us
but i am the one who built it

the heat of the spotlight
shines on my face
searing off the fear
and melting away my skin that hosted the lies of the day
to reveal the raw truth
that is my gift

and now i am back to where i started
an empty head
an empty heart
with empty words
and empty poems

and hands that just want something to do.

they are there (together)
and i am here (alone)
and yet the earth keeps spinning
and the clock keeps ticking

i wish i was still able to remember
what it felt like to be in your arms.
if only you were here to remind me.

(in memory of when)
the thick summer air pooled around my shoulders melting
me into the swing set,
where my feet dragged the ground whenever i swang
and a girl in a yellow dress sat
next to me her legs sprawled out across the ground,
allowing the grass to kiss her skin
like a mother saying goodbye to her child one last time
and like i would to her as the sun set that night.

(in memory of when)
i sat on my roof and mourned that night
as the stars sang a hymn only i could hear
because the girl in a yellow dress was a bird
and decided this town was just another cage,
one that she could no longer be trapped in.

(in memory of when)
i wanted to go after her
my very being pulling at the edges
to grasp her hand as though it was my very lifeline
but my feet stood cemented in the ground
and she soared high above.

(in memory of when the girl in the yellow dress flew away)

i laugh
at the naivety of a poem
i wrote when i was 8
that described what love is.
then it struck me
i’m no wiser about love now
than i was then.

how can she hate the world so much
yet still be filled with such kindness despite it?

when you miss something do you miss a person, place, or thing?

or do you miss a time?


you miss the idolized version, at least that much is true.

you miss the good times, the times when everything felt okay.


you forget the words laced with poison,
the painful moments that dripped with hate.
and i'm not sure whether that's better or worse

i hear the waves
tickling the shore from my room.
it's a lovely sound,
i just wish it would last.

last night i heard a strange type of knocking
outside the door in the floor below me.
at points it sounded like footsteps pounding up the stairs,
coming for the closest room in the apartment: mine

today i write as much as i can
before the words
s
l
   i
    p through my fingers,
like they always do,
because i'd rather write words i'll regret,
marking them up to foolishness when i am older,
than never write them at all.

Silence locks you in a room full of darkness,
blinding you from the nightmare outside.
It pulls the trigger on the gun,
while vowing it’s okay because you didn’t load it.
It watches as the world burns around the unfortunate
while claiming you didn’t strike the match.

It is too late in the evening to continue to stay
in the shackles of this silence.
The sun is setting, and you can no longer
ignore the irreversible night that threatens
to drown us in its pressing darkness.
We must allow ourselves to shatter its silence.