I stand here poised
Like a bored gazelle about to leap
Not in the Serengeti
But leaning against a bin
Near Frankfurt
It is a wrought iron bin
Of fine craftsmanship
But all I can smell is ****
The **** of a thousand dogs
Over one hundread years
Marking their patch
And having no thought
For this man
Who would have his senses offended
By their ammonia picket fence.
Perhapse I will move

Shrouded in mist you come for me
From the silence, from the cold.  
Waiting, watching has been your game.
Now you find me alone,
Hypnotised by the stillness,
Mesmerised by moments of sublime beauty as yet unseen.
I am helpless to resist.

What melody to find in silence,
What comfort in the earth!
Raindrops falling through trees echo through the forest.
A lone web hangs wet with dew.
A mushroom sits heavy with moisture on a tree stump.

The forest knows how to be in stillness
And make it's presence felt.

Cancelled
For being too keen
For saying
I like you
Too loudly
It seems a shame
But then...
Maybe I was a little full on...
Like maybe what was heard was
"I need you!"
Not "I like you"
So maybe what i was actually saying was
"Save me,
From my lonliness!"
"Complete me,
Let me hang off your brilliance
and raise me from my inadequacy"
Which to be fair is kind of creepy
And well not who I want to be anyway...
So if I wasn't cancelled by someone for being like that...
If that vibe floated their boat
I'd probably have to cancel.them anyway.
So the final score
One all.

So we made love and flew up into the sky
Where the clouds caressed our shimmering bodies and the stars welcomed us home.
There we stayed, resting...
In silent ecstasy as the universe pulsated with the heartbeat of every soul
Not a sound was heard
As celestial bodies moved in silent ancient accord...

"It is time," We said... at long last
"To return to that place from long ago
Where all is not as it should be
Where confusion holds
And fear abides."

"We must return there,
To walk amongst those who would know the truth
And tell them of the beauty behind the veil."

F
A
T
H
E
R
                       WHAT
           D
           O
           E
           S

THIS

                                                        ­  WORD

MEAN?



IT MEANS

           CHALLENGE

STRENGTH

                               C O N N E C T I O N
                                                       H
                                                       R
                                                       O
                                                       U
                                                       G
                                                       H

LOVE



                                       BUT
                                    NOT
                     ­            LIKE
                              MOTHERS
                      ­           LOVE
                          

                              ­                       DAD
                                                     LOVE
IS

            DIFFERENT



HARDER                                          ­TO

                                  SP
                        ­         OT

CONTAINED

                               C O N T
                                           A
                                    G     I
                                    N I N

HARDER

                                       LIKE
                                       A
                                       WALL


BUT THERE  N O N E  T H E  L E S S

like a flowing river

THAT LEADS TO THE SEA

         TO THE ANCESTORS

                   TO THE  S O U L

                            OF A MAN

He; inexhaustible yet exhausting,
Ruthlessly efficient yet demanding,
Hard working yet withholding,
Barbed
Yet deemed necessary.
Protecting that which
Long ago was made sacred;
The heart, the hearth, the home,
None may touch that hallowed ground.
Defence was needed
Safety paramount
And then...

The years passed...

This ninja warrior endured
Defended
Sliced, hacked, diverted, whirled in endless pirouettes
Of engaged battles
Of mesmerising movement
Of unrelenting actions
Of no consequence
For the mighty goal of protecting
That
Which
Was now all but forgotten.

So effective was his defence
Of the thing called 'home'
That it was hidden from all view
Forgotten
Beneath his whirling dexterity of projects and activities.

The years passed...

And there was no home.

Never did the warrior stop to question his task
That old old command.
He simply obeyed
As a warrior should
And continue
Until his death
To protect the property of his master

The result
a hollow, busy, lonely life,
Punctuated by exhaustion
And the question....
"What's missing? "

But so complete was his defense
So skillful his guard
That none saw what lay beneath.
Too mesmerised by his motions to see that
He was but a distraction
A diversion
From the question which would strike such fear into his masters heart
"What will happen if I stop?"

Come to me
because I need you
I need your touch,
your care,
your support.
Speak to me in soft tones.
Tell me it will all be okay
in the end.
Reassure me
that I am okay,
that I will last,
prevail,
be whole and safe.
That my life is not a mess,
that I am doing well -
just that this is my path right now.
Tell me that it will not always be this hard,
that I will be happy again
when it is all over
or sooner even.
Touch me
Let me feel your love
Your heart
Your care and nurture
Your love.

In the ash
Burnt pit of despair
I find my fear
Dipped in the blood of my ancestors
My blade greets me
I am whole
a man
amongst men
My bones echo back through the centuries
Through the earth,
Mountains,
Rivers...
Carrying the spirit of the land
To rejoin the souls of old
With those now standing tall.
A robin sings
and moves from branch to ground
Hunts
Fearless
Protective
Arisen from ash
Pit
Harmony

"Keep quiet because you might be seen,
Keep quiet because you may not be known!
Be quiet
Stay silent
Say nothing,
Or little as is safe.
Do nothing or you may be noticed.
Do nothing or you may be counted,
Exposed,
Lit by the spotlight of community.
Stay safe,
Stay hidden,
Above all do not rock the boat,
Neither yours or anothers.

Keep your head down
and remain."

This was my advice to you,
It worked.
Was it good advice?
Did you survive?
Are you not here surviving?

But where are you now?
Have you escaped that institution?
No.
You are still there.
Locked inside that prison tomb until death takes you on its sweet ride to freedom...
or not.

I am here now and so are you
I am the one which emerged,
You are the one who hid,
And remained hidden.
And continues to hide.
I do not much care for you,
And you are too scared to challenge my place in our life
And too scared to meet the world from which you hid.
Yet we together are not happy.

I am...
what is the word?
a shadow?
Relying on others fleeting glances to function.
Like a magicians illusion,
Aware that a true gaze will reveal me,
Undo me
And see you.

Who are you?
We do not know
Because...
You so rarely show yourself.
Scared,
Alone,
You seek solitude.
And so do not discover your self which  
May only be known through others.
Through the sword or pillow play of true interaction
Of vulnerability, conflict and loss.
Through life, adventure and the longing of the soul.
Like a rock falling from a cliff,
Leaving its home of a thousand thousand years
To emerge into a sunlit day
And be worn,
Tossed by the sea,
Ground,
Ground smooth by natures abrasion.
To reveal and polish
Those fossils,
Those relics of the past,
So that they may be beautifully displayed
Not hidden.
Showing its path through time and space.

I stand in the forest unaware of myself...
I wish the forest would hold me,
Would take me,
Maybe it is...

Can I stand like a tree in a forest;
My feet like roots into the earth,
My arms like branches,
My fingers leaves,
Moving in the breeze...

Can I unite with the Earths as one with my surround?
Become earth and wood and branch and leaf
And live my life here in peace?

Allow me to bend in the wind,
To grow in spring
And turn my faces to the sun,
Let me drink it's warmth
And feel it awaken my heart!

Let me pass the seasons here,
Watch the moons come and go,
The days grow long and short once more,
Till even I must fade and fall...

To my gran who I have just seen
Who is old
and can't remember things
Who is kind
and asks me the same questions
Who lies in bed
and drinks tea
Who has bought up
four children
And has seven
grand children
And seven
great grandchildren
It was so lovely
to see you.

We had a good chat;
You asked me
where I was going next
about a hundred times
And I loved answering
every time.
Australia.
We drank tea
And looked at photos.
I bought you a soft toy
And you liked him
"A sweet little fellow"
You said
"It's a shame He doesn't squeak"
You said
Squeezing him.
And you put him on your lap
While I showed you photos
Of your great grandson
And we laughed
About things.

When I left
we caught eyes
I said "bless you"
And bowed to you.
You said "take care of yourself"
And I saw you
And you saw me
And that is where we met.
In the eyes
And in the soul.
That is what I came for
What I hoped for
That moment
When we met.
I took your hand
And said
"it's been lovely to see you"
And then I left
Wanting To say more
Wanting to say thank you for everything
Thank you for knitting me the duck
When I was a boy
Thank you for being a pillar
In my life
That even though
I havn't seen you much
You've been so important
To me.
Just knowing you were there
Family.
Has helped me
To be strong.
I wanted to stay
and say goodbye
Just in case...
But I didn't
I got you a blanket
Because you looked cold
And I left
Because Stuart was waiting
In the car park
And I had a train to catch.
And I was worried it might disorientated you
Because we had had a lovely time together.
And I wanted to leave you happy.

I looked back
Through the ward window
D8
And you looked
so alone

And now I'm on the train
To Liverpool street
And I miss you
I think of you
Lying there
And I want to sit by you
And show you more pictures
And get you tea
And make sure your warm
And look after you
Because your so frail
And vulnerable
And I feel sad
Because
Well...grief!
The tragedy of life,
That we must part
From everyone.
But I'm happy too
Because
My bones
feel full
And my heart
feels Warm
And I feel my right
To stand up on this earth.
With a warm heart
And wet cheeks

My friend i hear you
i know that you are struggling
And i hear that you need something
Maybe you feel like you need someone?
But i am here for you now.
i am here to tell you that you are strong
i would like you to know that within you is all that you need.
i would like to help you to find the stronger part of yourself
That person who is within you
Who knows how to weather the storm
Who knows how to sit with himself
And be whole
So sit with me now my friend and we will journey together to a safe place
Where you will find peace
And be at one.
Steady yourself and turn within
Can you find your breath?
Listen to it...
Feel it...
Embrace it...
And as you embrace it
Embrace the pain within you
Embrace it with your breath
With your wisest self
Your strongest bravest self
Who lies deep within you
Let this self grow
Let him wrap his arms around you
Your pain your sorrow
And let him be
Let him be there for you
Feel his touch
His presence
His warmth
His strength
Fall back into his arms
And surrender into his presence, his gentle strong embrace
And with your breath
Rest here with me
In this moment
Where the forces of nature swirl and collide
Where many things may exist
And you can be at peace

I call upon you who is good, to stand with me
I call upon you who is strong, to stand with me
I call upon you who is wise, to stand with me
Stand with me in pain
In turmoil
Witness my sorrow
My tears
My moments of breaking down

And hold me
Walk with me
Embrace me
So that I know and feel your strength.
Be whole and here with me
As I journey on

This happy land of Diemens, dogs and bush-walks,
Creative flurries, chats over beer, spag bol and chocolate.
Van trip, scoot down the coast,
Wander along the beach.

Talk of this and that, laugh
And put the world to rights.
Thrash out ideas, share some thoughts,
Wonder if living could be easier?

Two friends who shared a trip to the Beach twenty years back take stock;

And find that from start they had more in common than they knew.
Now seperated by ten thousand miles, A thousand quid and two days flying,
They're closer than they were
sat facing front in that old escort van.

Another chapter ends
Or begins
Or begins and ends.

I awake and think of boarding,
My plane.
I hadn't realised how simple it was
To just be,
To just exist side by side
With an old friend who you connect with.

No need for the usual preambles
Just straight to the core.
Don't waste time, because 20 years fit badly into five days.
And What happens if you click cancel....

before the download has finished?

I'm so reluctant to leave.
These days have been so easy and fun and blessed.
Brotherhood is hard to find
And when will I return?

A red light shines through my window
And appears on the wall across the room.
It blinks yellow and moves as the people opposite
Reverse from their drive
And head off to work.

The daylight outside is growing,
The rumble in the air is not traffic
But waves breaking on the shore
About fifty meters away.

Soon I'll get up, make tea
And we'll all go for a walk.
Me, my frind Toby, Pablo the happy staffie
And Ava the lucky foster dog,
Wandering care free along the beach
as the waves break around our feet.

A plane flies overhead. *******.
Okay I know!
All things come to an end.
And this too shall pass.
It's just I haven't often wanted to stay this much.
It's so fun here,
And life outside can be a bit full on.

I grew up with these cliffs
the boundary of land and sea
where rock, exposed and naked
stands before the unforgiving elements
eroding each moment yet stable
a rock face, a solid, changing, evolution of nature
raw, unflinching, unapologetic.
holding a magic none can match.
the beauty of the inner form exposed
present, bold, unerring
Who are we that stand before them?
Do we bare out soul
And allow life to shape us into beautiful magical beings of grace?
Or do we brace against the winds of lifes changes
try to hide our nature, cling onto a redundant view of ourselves
and struggle to conceal our truths
Be more like cliff and rock,
Stable yet fluid. ever-present yet evolving
Embrace your decay, your lines your growth
Rejoice when a part of your psyche tumbles into the ocean
and you are exposed
In newness.
and vulnerability.

Strength is there.

Sat trying to process
This new world
Without my Nan

It looks the same
But it feels different
As if there is cotton in my ears

Oh there is a ball in my stomach
a tight knot of anxious confusion.
It circulates and undulates
dilates and twists
throbs
grows...
absorbing my life's energy.

"Let it free and watch it"

It emerges from my stomach...
the twisting blue-black mass
convoluting, churning
in the space in front
…and in a moment it dissolves…

My mind is clear
the rain falls gently outside
almost like snow...
Moving with the gentle breeze...
What power in coming into awareness,
Into relationship with
those things which pain me.

Tired of his pirates life
He flew off to the stars
And found joy
In the arms of a supernova.

My friends,
We try to stay safe through doing what is familiar
By avoiding those places of pain and discomfort within ourselves.
And we may stay safe...
Safe within the walls of our self constructed prison
Safe in our loneliness and isolation
Safe in the same old patterns which keep us narrow, small...
But safe.

And in this place we fear to open the unlocked door to our own liberation...
We fear to step out into the light
Because we know that to find our glorious presence
We must travel through some dark corridors in our minds
Through some fearful rooms within our soul.
Confront places of pain in our hearts
And release the tears which are trapped there.

Lean into the mystery
my friends.
Lean into the discomfort...
It may be that there is a force there to support you
That you will remain buoyant as the winds of life flows past around and through you.

But it may be that as you lean... you fall....

You may fall into the abyss of mystery and unknowing.
Fall into a new and unknown space,
Where you do not know who you are
Or what to do next...
And in that dark obscured space you must feel you way forward with your heart,
Step into your wholeness and be guided by that deep ancient force with in you
Your old familiar ways will not work here.

What will you find there?
Deep in that space of mystery
That none may charter except for yourself
What new wonders will be uncovered?
What new gifts are waiting?
If we only have the courage to abide with our selves
If even for a moment?
How will you know unless you take a deep breath.
Still your mind
And lean forward into that Abyss...

Lean my friends and find out...

How many mouths whispered silent prayer
And sat in these halls wishing for god.
How many lives were celebrated and mourned here.
Unions made and broken.
The family, the hearth, spirit, life and death.
All flowed through here.
Now it stands proud and open to the heavens.
Holding the glory of what has been and is now.

Stone upon stone,
Piece by piece until it was made
That church that castle of the soul
It stood, it stands, a monument to man, toil, sweat and reverence.
Time honours it, blesses it.
Now it is part with the land
As it was always.  

Do not look upon it for you may not see it's glory
And a shame to miss and pass by
and to not think what things happened here.
What joys and sadnesses,
What moments and sorrows it witnessed.
Do not pass by but do not look either
For we cannot imagine. To know
The stories it holds and the memories it keeps.

Waiting on. The train to see you
Bored, **** coffee and a bacon roll
There is something hollow. Empty.
Like the Starbucks take out mug.
Of course I loved you, love you.
But we lived so far away.
Sweden, Ireland, Switzerland
And then when we were close
I was at my uninterested awkward years
When you don't want to visit your Gran
Now I see this precious woman
Whom I have not often seen.
She is old, frail, and may not know me
I am a man with a life and business.
Where do we connect?
In the bones? In the skin or in the eyes?
I'll show you photos, I hope you will be interested.
What do you say to an old woman
Who you barely know,
but has played a key role in your existence?
Who you feel a connection to like the  seabed between two islands.
But you know precious little about.
Eileen, yes that is your name.
You used to like Black Magic chocolates,
But apparently you don't these days.
Your hip is broken
But hopefully getting better.
And you knitted me a duck when I was small.
I was the youngest, thats why. People said.
You were my Nannie, my precious Gran
And I have come to give you some love and pay some respect.

Let me say that things are strange,
I am a strange man in a strange world.
I am barely here,
A Wraith
Seen only in reflection
Moving in shadows
Seldom acknowledged
Yet sentient.
Are you there? Can you hear me?
My invisible form wishes to be seen.
My existence justified only by function.
"Love me...
Like me...
Hear me..."
I say without sound.
How can I manifest in this world?

Paused...
a hiatus, a break,
suspended
for this day...
when I both don't know what to do
and feel that I should do nothing...
at all...
Its nice to stop
if even for a day
to rest
reconfigure
refresh
something inside seeks stillness

As soon as the forest surrounds me I feel it;
Enclosed, safe.
The softness of nature envelops me.
The sound of my mind quietens
And the forest noises come alive.
Birds calling, droplets of rain pattering on leaves,
a click or a shuffle.
Leaves fall like snow
Softening the heart of the weary.
I dare not move
But with the forest exhale
And acknowledge myself as one amongst the trees.
Would that I could sink my limbs into the earth
And join this silent gathering
Change with the seasons
And know my place on the Earth.

Last night for just a few moments
I could feel my heart.
It was a shock
To feel so
Whole

Like the monochrome
Became
Colour
And
Just for
Those few

Moments

I
Felt

Life

Shout "Yes!" and reach for the sky my Brother,
Shout "Yes!" and call your name out in Joy!
You have triumphed!
You are here!
You are alive!
And  the world is here before you.

It will embrace you
For you only exist in thought,
It's arms open in eternal patience.
There is plenty of time
But every moment counts.

What will you do?
Like a canvas unpainted it waits...
Your palette; imagination, courage, unknowing .
You must go to it,
You must run to it!
You must leap!
Bury your head in it's chest and cry "embrace me!"

Do not stand and stare open mouthed
And let the white expanse defeat you.
Now is not the time for hesitation my Brother
You are more than this, you are better than this,
You are the king, the magician, the lover, the master of your world!

You must leap!

You must pick up a brush or knife or better still plunge you palm into colours and paint!
Smear your desire and passion onto the blank expanse.
Reduce the white to bold streaks of vermillion, cobalt and burnt sienna.
How long must we wait!
Seize your passion and make your mark.

Hello my friend
I am glad you are here
We have much to discuss!
I have missed you
While you were away
Wandering.
It is hard to be
When the spirit is elsewhere

For Keith, that man mountain of towering spirit,
That weaver of emotion, standing proud in his truth.
I wish to be like you;
An artist of the heart, of genuine expression,
A facilitator of truth,
A provider of safety,
Like a harbor for small ships caught in a storm.
You offer a home to those who have none,
A space of healing wrapped in acceptance and silence,
An inn to rest for the night,
So we may continue our journey refreshed.

But how did you find this goodness?
Was it given to you as a gift at birth?
No.
You wrestled it from your soul
With awareness, unflinching courage and tears.

Alone I am touched.
My core, rock.
"Do not breathe"
but I cannot not!
Presence touches me,
the twine loosens.
My belly fills like the surging in of the tide.
Light floods in,
colour, humanity.
And i am alone
but present with the world,
feeling my veins
my breath
my nose...

What trepidation
these first few breaths,
as I step from the shuttle
into this new world.
The atmosphere tickles my skin
and i look around at my new home...
life
feeling
colour
earth
depth
sensation

Who is this person who sits here?
I will like to know!
There is joy inside
and excited fear too.
I feel a whole man
newly woken from sleep
skin recently shed
eyes newly open
emerging from his rock
cave
prison
walking into the light
blurry eyed
but alive
and
whole
once
again

Chasing rainbows on a sunny French afternoon
Gritty sand dried between my toes.
Spoke over lunch of salad and bread.
Harsh reflections in my head;
Memories of times gone by,
Regrets brush past me like a lullabye.
Soothing me away from life
Drawing me into their own sweet strife.

Lest i make my stand Ill fall,
Swirl like so many into that dark pool.
Decend and spend my whole sweet life
Choked by thoughts which cut like a knife.
Did I do right or did i do wrong?
Who will say when all is done?
But did I live I will ask myself
at the end when all is to dust.

"You tower - me castle"
Said Tarzan to Jane.
Lets ******* collide
and let these prisons
fall to the ground.
What will be left
when those old worn structures
are lying in pieces on the earth
the relief of a stone returned to its source.

No longer suspended in mid air
Balanced and cemented in
by a strange cruel force of society
of institution,
of creating safety.

There is relief, and sadness, and letting go...
in this holy - unholy mess.
This twisted mass of rubble, rock, moss and wood.
These rocks should be lying on the ground.
Nestled into the earth
and connected to soil.
Let's make it so.

Lets tear the whole ******* lot down.
Those old prisons of boarding madness
Expose them for the toxic dens they are
and set others free to rediscover their colour
the flower of their youth.

There were days when he drew crimson across the landscape,
Painted life's already incandescent colours,
With a patchwork of his own joy and creativity,
The stars were a small reach above his head and the moon was his good friend,
He would dive into oceans and explore their depths,
Swim miles beneath the surface where  the world seemed safe and calm,

Then it stopped.







The world stopped...
With life.
And colour with it.







He stopped too and his world was no more.


Like a grey
Grey
Grey




Wasteland






Without the things he loved




And






This







Became








Normal.....







And as time went on...








he forgot,

that he once was happy...








but he knew

somewhere deep down









in some small place in his soul










that he had lost something...



Someone? maybe....

something precious

himself?







and that there was a longing inside






a longing






for life







it was like a tiny thread







which one day









he felt






Brave








Enough



To









Follow.

















It took him




















Home

I have traveled so far
And for so long
That none could conceive it possible.

My Journey of aeons and lifetimes
Has taken me through
Crystal palaces of exquisite splendor
Where I played with courtesans
The likes of which this world
Has never seen.

I have led armies into battle
Been slain and conquered a million times.

I have ridden ******* on mythical beasts
Exploring worlds of unimaginable beauty.
I've bathed in enchanted pools under cooling moonlight
And lived with the nymphs who dwell in those places.

I have dived to the depths of oceans
And fought with the mighty beasts
Who dwell in the deep.

I have explored the four corners of space,
Spent lifetimes in silent ecstasy
Breathing in and out with the stars.

I have fallen through the earth
And been held captive in the most cruel of places.
I have been cut and tormented,
Had my life ripped away
And been revived in places of daggers and pain.

I have been swept along in rivers of molten flame,
Burned until I could no longer recognize
Even my own body.
Fought, fought and fought,
Killed and been killed
Spending aeons in fear, rage and fury.

I have taken animal form,
Run with the wolves
And howled at the moon in the depths of night.

I have been killed a million, million times,
Loved and lost through bitter heart ache
As my love left me for another life
More times than I care to recall.

I have had Sons, Daughters,
Wives, Husbands, Harems.

I have lived through the greed of owning one million palaces
The hatred of murdering one million men
The love of devoting myself entirely to a precious few.

The self obsession of the inglorious "I".

Misery, torment, abandonment,
Fear, loneliness, isolation, grief... joy.
I have lived through them all
I have lived in them all!

There is not one place in this entire universe I have not visited,
Or one thing I have not owned...
And yet,
I stand here before you
Empty handed and alone.
An old man at the end of his travels,
Weary of adventure
And seeking peace...

A place to call home.

The road is not less traveled!
We play this mighty game of life and death
Never stopping to question
Or pause to think...

The question is not "When will it stop?".
The question is "When will we stop?".
When will we search for home?
Listen to that quiet, quiet voice
Which tells us to be still.
To awaken.
To see that,
From the highest palace,
To the deepest hell.
It has all been  - but a dream

We have been dreaming.

*Wake up my friends
and find peace.

Here the veins of the earth trickle  between moss and rock,
Their passage held by soil and stone.
Who sees it? who is there to witness?
Who even cares?
The earth knows and turns.

Listen... what will you hear but the birds,
The sounds of running water
And your breath?
What will you feel but the earth beneath your feet?
How dare you think
When nature takes you into her womb.

Why do you sit here friend
And worry about this and that?
Go to the forest and walk.
Watch the trees and the birds.
They will take your cares away
And ease your troubles.

Do you want to sketch all your life
Or learn to paint a master piece?

Do we not sketch to learn, to develop, to grow?

So why do you still sketch?
What more do you hope to learn?
That people are vulnerable?
That you can hurt them?
That you can leave them?  

Are you not tired of sketching outlines?
Don't you long for tonal quality?
For careful composition and a considered pallet?

I know your secret!
That the canvas scares you, terrifies you even.
All that you will be revealed on that unforgiving scape.
That expanse of white which must be filled and not by charcoal and line.
You will be revealed, exposed and displayed for all to see.
You will be revealed in the shading,
In the sensitivity you give to light and to contrast.
Yes, you will be revealed...
But in it you will be filled in.  
You will have no freedom to remain as an outline of a man,
With all hidden in fine graphite lines and hastily hatched shadow.
You will have to mature as a man, as an artist of the soul
And set yourself free on a canvas with confidence and brush!
What a liberation!

Will the first canvas be a masterpiece?
In all likelihood no!
But it will be a beginning
And how can you consider yourself an artist if you never paint!
How many sunflowers did Van Gough paint? How many chapels?
Was he satisfied with any of them?
And was each of them worthwhile?

Paint my friend, take up your brush and paint.
Use colour boldly,
Reserve fear and reservation for other pursuits
Or better still leave them from your pallet altogether.
Be sensitive and subtle with your treatment of the subject,
frame her well, carefully
But be bold.

There is little point in holding back.
Do you want your canvas to scream, "Hesitation!"?
Paint or don't, but if you choose not to, declare it to the world!
Do not act like a painter, talk like a painter and look like a painter,
If you do not paint!
Declare "I like to sketch"
And sketch until you bear no longer to leave a subject unexplored in a monochromatic if artistic hiatus.
Be true, be bold, be clear and when you feel the time is right paint with the same honesty and boldness with which you sketched.
Then it will be a true training,
Not the pontification a of a trainee conjurer working above his station.
Complete your apprenticeship, graduate,
And step forth into the world.
Confident, upright, paint brush in hand.

tell me why
I am sat here again.
encased in glass
with my ear to the window
wondering what will happen next

tell me why I am here sat
unable to move
barely breathing
for fear of life
sat eternally emotionless
unable to face my fear

tell me why
i am still here
my tasks are not simple
but neither are they overtaxing
tell me why I  cannot engage

okay
listen my friend
this is why
you are not ready
you are not capable
you are not right

you are too small
for this world
it will swamp and envelop you
if you dare
to brush past it

so stay here with me
safe and sound
in this quiet solemn place
we call home
and be at peace

let me breathe, i will breathe
my breath takes me through the glass
breathing deeply into my belly
I will let my prana carry me beyond the limits
set by myself long ago.

The breath will engage me
enlighten me
nourish me
give me food
and safety

I will try to find a home there

Under the bridge it flowed
That thing called his life
His dreams
His goals
His precious time
Life force and joy.
He stood on that bridge and watched...
Life like a game of poo sticks
Wondering at what point the moment would arise when he would engage
Engage in a meaningful way
Make contact
Connect

But the bridge seemed so....
Well it seemed to be the most sensible place to be.
Dry
Safe
Warm enough...
And yet
All he did was watch
As other sailed by
He was not satisfied. He lacked...

Yet there seemed like no obvious remedy
No clear path
No solution
Like a man wishing to eat a mango without getting sticky
Or wishing for a fine garden without getting soil beneath his finger nails.

Feel the earth my friend
Let it paint a picture in your soul
Let something take root deep within
And give it time to grow...
Let the process take time
A tree does not grow in a day or a week or a month.
You must keep this space safe and moist
Cared for and nurtured
So that over time. A plant may grow.
This plant will be your joy
Your heart
Your elixir for life
It will make you whole.

Thea, the goddess of the earth
Sits like a rock in her chamber of woven light.
The fortunate who enter here
Are blessed and tormented and burned and held.

They arrive knowing that they must make a sacrifice;
They do not pay in money but in tears,
In truth wrenched from the soul,
In accountability and naked raw awareness.

None who arrive do so lightly
But all who come leave lighter.
Their confusion unraveled through skilful enquiry,
Cut by a sharp silver sword of truth and knowing.

Enter - but do so with reverence and respect.
This is a place of healing!
Men and women are unmade and made here.

Oh sweet pleasure,
Where have you gone?
Now that days are dark
And the tasks of the world are above me.
I can't see you through the mist.
My heart, covered as it is, feels you not.
Like being adrift in a vast ocean
Or alone in a confined space
I wait
For a truth which i know is out there...
The truth of knowing
Beyond doubt
That things will change,
That life will change,
And all I need do is wait
And my salvation will come
Like a ship on the horizon
Or a light of rising dawn
Which will
burn away the vapor.
I will see you once again my heart,
For now though
I rest in my unawareness
In my turmoil
In union with my grief
and the pain of life

I left home
Aged 10
Put on a bus and away I went
Gone to oblivion
Into the void
Mum standing on the platform
Growing smaller as the bus drove away
Already gone.
Now a man, I return to that bus
Where that boy should have never been.
I take him in my arms
And hold him,
I will not let him go!
He can come home to me,
Stay with me in my home-heart.
We can be together, friends, brothers, partners, companions at arms.
You are safe now with me my boy!
I will not let you go.

It is my time of day when I must breathe.
Anxiety knocks at my door
Calling me to prayer
Like the bells of an old steeple.
Chanting slowly again and again
"Oh ****, oh ****, oh ****!"
Reminding me that I need my god.

*Breathe and go inside my friend
Be still amidst this storm.
Breathe and let your soul be nourished
By the free flowing waters of faith,
Clarity and peace

We are dancers of the soul,
Fencing with lauguage
To exorcise our truth,
Our passion,
Our pain.

We are bent over
Retching words from the darkest corners of our souls,
We are laying on cold concrete,
Cheeks pressed to old news print as our truth bleeds out,
Rages out!
Spews forth with the bile of
Words never spoken, not honored or even fully felt,
Yet there
in truth
buried!

Until...
Contained no longer,
They burst through
And like a mob unseating a dynasty,
They chant and sweat and rage and dance
Until their cause is heard and seen.
Until the News at Ten reports
That "the world is NOT AT ******* PEACE!"
That our own kingdoms will not tolerate suppression
And that our souls will be held down no longer.
That we WILL be heard!
We will no longer sit and do as dictated through years and decades and lifetimes of docile abdication.
We will NOT BE SILENT
But with our spines straight
We will rise up and
be heard,
Counted.
And fight with our poetry,
With our ink or keyboard
For the goal of freeing what we know in the depths of our hearts to be...
Our truth

Bless us!

Here I sit
Astride my computer
Held in its gaze
Unable to draw away
For fear
That i may miss
Some small titilation
Or item of interest.

I sit here
And feel
Slowly
Slowly
Less
Me
And more like
My screen.
A souless avatar,
A mindless hologram
Composed of
Ones and zeros

I commune
With my
Digital peers.
Empty as
A jar
Which once held
Homemade jam.
I feel incomplete.

The moth likes to hide,
He stays in the dark,
When it's light outside,
He'll blend with some bark.

Moth loves the light,
He may be obsessive.
When the sky is dark,
he can be possessive.

He flies through the night
With sensory perception,
His world is alight
Through the power of detection.

He is contained and discreet,
He doesn't like to be seen.
He's happiest when still
And abiding serene.

He's sensitive to touch
And easily hurt.
He's gloriously brown,
The colour of dirt.

He has no extra
Airs and graces
But you may not see him
Because you are too impatient

He is there,
Hidden, in magnificent ochre,
Obscured in plain sight
The moth playing poker.

Would you like to know this man
In the life mask?
He will tell you his truth,
You just need to ask.

Holled up
locked
enclosed
I will not leave the house today.
Why?
as if you need to ask
why?
well,
it is
because.....
well ....
I have no answer.
Something may happen!
what you ask
something ,  that would be bad
So you are scared you ask
Yes I am scared
but scared is not the word
encased in fear would say it better
it sits in my stomach like a black ball
clouds my mind like a fog
the surf is good today. I could go to the beach
but it is outside
and something might happen

In your dinghy with your back turned
You sail away
I stand ashore, alone
Watching
You move slowly away, never turning

I see now that you are willing me
Willing me to shout "stop"
Willing me to beg you to turn
To say "please let's try just one more time"
But I do not.

I cannot
I am a child
A boy of ten watching his mother dissappear
As the coach pulls away
And takes him to oblivion

Powerless he felt
Bereft
With no
Hope
His soul
Abandoned on the platform

Now I watch my life
Through a veil of indifference
A passive malaise
Through with which I cannot engage
I am here but not fully amongst the living
I am the abdicated king

But I am shouting my love
only in another world
In another dimension seperAted from body
My soul cries out
And tears stream down my fAce
I am on my knees on the sand
Begging you to return

But you do not hear
You cannot hear

So I Watch my life, my love sail away
And wonder if I may ever love again
If I may ever find the strength
To connect with another
With my heart broken so

Ive arrived in my home and its empty and cold
I feel like I'm empty and cold
I want to hear voices and laughter and footsteps
instead its just silent...
all I hear is the wind whistling through the window that doesn't close properly
The sea outside looks Cold and I don't feel safe.
I don't feel like I can feel "Home" here.
I don't even know what home is?

Maybe home is safety
Maybe home is love
Can you feel those things in a place where you haven't felt safe and where you love vanished.
So I'm here in my house just trying to be and not feel sacred and not feel alone
And to try to get on with my life and do the things I know that I need to/should do to function on this planet.
But I just want to hide, I just want to close the windows and close the curtains, curl up and never be seen again.
That's the energy of darkness.

So what do I do?
I'm sat in front of my computer and ...
I guess ill write a list...
Try and do something.
Maybe I should just try and bring a little kindness to this space of mine.
To myself!
Try and bring a little warmth into this space because no one else is going to be warming it up.
I guess I could put the heating on?
Create a bit of outer warmth
while I try and bring a little inner warmth...
And see if the day gets any easier.
I made some tea...

I wonder if I ask my heart to give me some kind of answer, what it will say?
"Weather the storm"
What does that mean?
It just means, don't worry, keep going...
The storm won't last forever.
Just put on a rain jacket
Stand on the deck and let the wind blow into my face and let the rain fall down on my waterproof Mac.
Know that I can feel cold and wet but that tomorrow maybe the sun will be out and the storm can't last forever.
So just keep keep facing into the wind.
Eyes front, head up
Keep steering the ship into the waves.

Seized within the grip
Of chains forged long ago
Panic grasps me
Unable to move
To decide
To act
In my head
In my room
In the house
In the street
In the town
City
Country
World
Galaxy

Lost infinite space...

And twirling back again,
Contracting
Descending
Into this nervous child i find i inhabit.
Lost
Without place
Or reason
Abandoned
Alone
To stay is to be crushed
But I cannot move
Not because I am restrained
Fear inhabits me
Ties me to the spot
Whatever will happen will occur
I will watch but not take part
I am encased in glass
Frozen
Life calls to me but I cannot meet it
I will not meet it
This is my reluctant home

Does Calski love Calski?
Sometimes I think no.
Confusion, addiction and destruction are his friends. Or his enemies. Or his lovers. Or his employers. Or tormentors

Choose peace my good friend and come home.
Sit by the fire of life and put up your feet.
The fire will burn but it warms too.
It makes bread and consumes what is given to it.

Stay by the fire of life my friend
And do not run away
Because outside it is cold
And you will be lost!

Sit by the fire of life.
Let it warm your heart,
Let yourself remember love
And let kindness take root.

Sit by the fire my friend,
Let it burn away your sadness,
Let it consumer your grief as you gaze into its flames.
Sit by the fire and weep, let your eyes sting from the heat.

Sit by the fire my friend
And let it make you whole.
Let it bake you into a wholegrain loaf of a man
(and remember that this cannot happen without discomfort).

Sit by the fire my friend
And do not worry if it seems too hot.
The fire of life burns bright near vibrant souls like yours,
Nothing is destroyed, only transformed.

So sit by the fire and stay. Where else will you go?
What will you find there?
It will not be life but something else!
And we have baking to do.

Struck was I
By the sudden thought
Of my fathers love!
Denied so long ago
But there
Re-found.
Like my nose;
Clearly presented
Yet somehow overlooked!
Right there
For the world to see
But
Unseen.

Like a letter not received
Or a cheque not cashed
Sat on the dresser
Unused
Disallowed
Latent
But still potent

Waiting
To be heard




Today
I heard
Listened
And the backlog of father love flowed, deluged
Re-hydrated
Affirmed

And I feel
Alive

And so he sat,
Afraid and alone
Waiting for her
To come back to him.
Waiting for her to finish her shower
And walk through the door
in her towel
And say to him,
"Its your turn now",
In her kind loving voice
And he would have a shower too
And it would be okay