I would be a great artist
If only i could sit still,
If only i could give myself permission to stop,
To pause long enough to create
Without this rush
Without this never ending, unceasing drive
To be finished already
To be on to the next thing...
This feeling
That im already too late
For action
For life
For love
For now....
Im too late for now!
****
Stuck on this merry go round
Which is neither merry
Nor travelling towards any destination
Except my inevitable death...
I consume my life with things not done
With what I should be doing but am not...
In the minutie of banall tasks
While the joy, light and colour of my life remains unpainted.
Just melancoly ideas
On a canvas strewn with trivialities....
Maybe this is my life?
The sum of these random scrawls which somehow spells the shadow of the word "trauma".
I sit in a pool of my own dissatisfaction
Waiting for... for what?
For better days?
For salvation?
To be rescued?
As i push away those who may help...
Such a strange thing
Existance
Life
Hope....

And so he sat,
Afraid and alone
Waiting for her
To come back to him.
Waiting for her to finish her shower
And walk through the door
in her towel
And say to him,
"Its your turn now",
In her kind loving voice
And he would have a shower too
And it would be okay

I walk where I fear to tread
I bathe in the darkness
Surrender to its cold embrace
And find home in its arms

Will you follow me?
You, who lives in the sun
Who walks in joy
And relishes the dawn

We are One
Two sides of the same coin
Joined but facing away
United in experience

Bring your joy into the night
As I bring my calm to the day
We are One you and I
We bathe in the same pool

Silently I sit
A little closer
To myself.
Covered with
Emotions scars
And battered
Beaten
Torn
apart

Wait ! What is it that you have forgotten?
You have forgotten to be mindful
You have forgotten yourself.

Try to remember what it was like to be you.
To laugh and smile and to remember your homework.

What will happen if you return
To that place where all smiles vanished.
To where innocence was lost,
Buried beneath grief and fear.

Smile my friend and remember
Remember to smile,
Remember To laugh.
All is not lost, there is much to be had.

Be at peace my friend
because you have much to enjoy x

"Go to your heart,
Don't speak from your head.
I heard that once
From a wise man" she said.

"Once I was shy
And I wanted to change,
So I was brave and spoke
And found my own voice again."

"So I like to be me,
I like to be honest and true
And live my own life
From a place of virtue."

"I stay in my heart
Or I try to at least!
I find there my faith
Finds its place to release."

"I learned to love " she said
"And live my life from this space,
I am here... right here,
And you can see my true face"

"And I will stay here" she said,
"I won't hide who I am
And if others don't like it
Well that speaks of them"

So she looked at me with
Her big, open eyes,
Which reflected to me
How I felt inside

And because she was there
And so honest and true,
It made me feel like
I could be too.

So I sat and spoke,
At how she had moved me
And how over the years
I have tried to redraw me

And we spoke and connected
And there was some magic there
And a softness inside
That was lovely to share.

So we finished our cake,
Hugged and walked in the air
And I wondered a little
If we'd be a pair?

If we'd discover something special
If we tried to learn together
Or if it's better to just enjoy
And not think of forever

Because meetings can be awesome
If you can let them go
And your life can be fuller
If you go with the flow.

So we parted... and met
And spoke a bit more,
About how magic can be
Just behind the door.

How life can be awesome
And full of holy mystery,
If you let your self be open
And guided by destiny.

So we parted - as friends,
Her heart felt like a feather;
Gentle and soft
But blown around by the weather

Perhaps we'll meet soon,
Perhaps not for a while
But it's been great to connect
If just with a smile.

****.
I'm locked in again
Not paralysed but stuck.
Not sure what to do.
Each task appears barbed
Like it will pierce my heart.
I could make a piece of jewellery
Write my story
Make an animation
Or tidy up?
Any would do...
But instead I sit here
Not sure how to proceed.
It's like the other things that I woudn't do
Stop me doing any of the other things that I could do.
D-E-C-I-D-E from the latin
"Decidere"
To cut off!
To seperate!

Okay, jewellery it is,
I will check the van...

To you my love
Whose hand I have just let go
Who now walks in a direction
Unknown to me
And whose fair touch and soft voice
May take repose with
Another

Don't take life so seriously,
Its not like your going to get out alive.
So why wait and wonder
And sit and ponder
At the things which keep you awake at night?

Don't take life so seriously
Because you will not make it out the door.
Sit here and enjoy what you will,
Where you are and what you do
Because it and you will not be here for long!

Don't take life so seriously
Because today may be your last!
Your last song, your last dance,
Your last kiss or love.
Play and sing like you may never again.

Don't take life so seriously
Because the survival rate is nil,
And a shame to watch and wait
And sit and wonder
And never do the things which make your soul sing.

Don't take life so seriously
Because we are here alone
Spinning through space
To a destination unknown
Stuck to a beautiful mass of rock.

Life is the joke, we are the canvas!
We were meant to be painters
And paint our lives into a medley of colour,
Choose a bright colour for today
And do not think that it may be wrong.

Dip your hand in the pallet and paint!

Step into your warrior
Step into yourself
To face your mind you must be
Well positioned, adopting a stance worthy of battle
One may only fight from a place of presence
This place called "awareness"
It is the strongest, safest place available to you
Without it you are a naked person
Standing defenceless before a dragon
At its unlikely mercy.
If you embrace your being
Find presence within yourself
You will find and possess both strength and power (armour/resolve).
Possibility will be your friend.
You may find the footing you need
To survive and prevail.
If you do not possess your mind
If it possesses you, grips you with its icy claw of fear
Or consumes you in the red hot fire of rage
You will be immediately overwhelmed
Overtaken by this mighty force
So you must possess your mind
Embody it, own and inhabit it
Only then can you become its master
Wield your sword of mindful effort
And call yourself an Inner Warrior
"A Warrior of the Soul"

Beings of light how shall I make this day?
Oblivion calls me
But i do not wish for it.
Can you free me from its grasp?
What ways shall I find that will spare me from it?
What can I do to sway its force?
Can you give me a sign?
Or a means?
That I might stay whole this day...

Creeping silently I advance
Unsure of my destination.
I know my place of beginning;
It is my soul,
My nutrition,
My **** ridden fertile pasture.
From which I must grow,
Move forward,
Be sustained,
And know
That
I come from
The earth
And that I will survive
And be strong.

I am the shell
The empty vessel
Thoughts echo in my mind
You will discover me
Sat still,
Apparently peaceful
Or at work.
But i am not that
Not there...
For somewhere within
I am lost
Hidden or imprisoned
Trapped
Isolated
Fearful
I will not,
Cannot
Emerge
My emotional bandwidth so contsrained
I semi-live
Exist
Function
Waiting until it is safe enough to emerge
Pop the hatch
And live again...

Today I stood for a hour beneath a tree
The rain steadily falling
Cascading. Bouncing through the leaf canopy
Of golden ocher
Leaves fell
Rain fell
And I was at peace

Stillness that I have not felt for... Many months

I awake to a cool splash on my nose
It runs down my fave and I wipe it away
The forest sings to me
A gentle pitter patter melody
Leaves greet the earth
And I am still


A leaf lands on my arm

I dance with her,
She moves through me,
Merging in movement, in spirit,
A creative offering.
On this land sacred for the Native Americans,
I recollect old memories, nature secrets

The westerly gale blows
Deep into my soul.
Lifting the slates
And rubbing the trees
Against the walls of my mind.
A seagull flies by
Against the undulating horizon,
Indelicately buffeted by the wind.
Every thing is in balance

Hello, my name is fear,
Can you hear me?
Hello, I am despair,
I have a message...
I am rage,
I wish to tell you something...
Are you listening?
If you listen carefully
I will whisper a secret to you
Which no one on this world knows.
But you must listen.
To do this, find stillness in yourself
Find the eye of the storm
Find the courage not to run
To distraction or pleasure
But to sit
Or stand
Or walk
Into the raging inferno of your being
With your eyes open,
Your heart open,
Full of curiosity!
And wonder...
"Who made this?"

Encased in iron
How will I move?
My will is held.
"Save me from this fate
You who hear and can help.
Save me from this misery of non-being,
Non contact,
Non life..."

...I walk within
To the shadow lands...
What do I find?

"Shhhh, shhh go to sleep...
We will rip out your heart
And you will feel nothing.
Like a gloved hand you will feel nothing.
Numb to existence
You will be safe!
Encased
Inert
This will be my gift to you."

"But I do not want this gift!
The price is too high
What safety is this, free from life?
I do not choose it.
Perhaps some time ago it was chosen
But now not.
I wish for life,
For feeling and emotion
For contact and depth.
Yes, it is not safe
But it is life
And I wish for it

I have a new idea,
It's called...
"D O  A N Y T H I N G"
The concept is simple.
Any task is worthy.
Just do it.
Then do something else.
I will start it now....

I am a ghost
Do you see me?
I hide in the shadows
I fear you.
My essence is cold
The heart of steel.
Fear rages within me
Drawing me in with its astringent pull.
Fear is my home
I abide there
Like a shadow in the cupboard beneath the stairs
Long lost.
What hope is there
In dispair?
In the cold dead of night I wander
Feeling the kinship of the dark.
Slipping past trees and alleys I taste fragments of life,
A wrapper that once contained chocolate...
Or something sweet
They draw me to them and I inhale that which once was.
What is left for me
But the night?

Wandering hither and thither,
Here and there,
What is it you seek?
What do you hope to find
Under the stones you upturn?
Have you found it yet?
Or anything that seems like it?

My question is simple....
What was it that gave you the thought
That you were looking in the right way?
In the right place?
Did you not just follow all the others
Who although not finding, were turning stones too?

There is a building with many floors
Why am I in the basement?
There is a building full of light and colour,
With patios, gardens, expansive views and galleries to see the stars
Why am I in the basement?
What is it I nurse down there in that place?
What is it I can’t bare to leave alone?
Is it my pain?
It is my pain.
My wounded child is down there, my wounded heart
With such fear of the world that he dare not leave
And I can’t bear to leave him
Lest he cries out in pain
So I stay down there
In that dark place
Where life is not.
We together him and I
We ruminate in bitter company together
As life happens elsewhere
Is he me?
Am I him?
Is it a betrayal if for some moments I step into the light of day?
What would happen if I take him with me?
This pained child.
How would the sun meet his skin?
Might it heal him to be exposed to fresh air and the fragrance of day?
If I go might he follow?
Do I enable his misery by remaining with him in my faithful company?
Perhaps
Do I benefit him by sacrificing my life to care for him in that place?
Let’s at least try something else
Explore another floor… he can come if he wishes….