It’s not about you
I promise that much is true.
I know you want to help me
But i cant be helped or saved you see

I confide In you
When I’m feeling blue.
Because i know you always make me feel better
You take away the hurt.

But when i hurt myself
It’s not because you failed to bring me back to health
It’s because I’m not sane
In helping me, there is little satisfaction to gain.

I promise youre helping
Though i know i make you feel like you’ve failed.
I make you want to bail.
Trust me i know, that’s what I’m always telling me.

You make me happy
When i feel so ******* ******.
That’s talent right there,
And it’s slowly changing me, but nothing is fair.

I know, i know
You take one step forward, i take two back.
I know you’re not going to attack,
I want to reach out to you
But my inner hatred declared you foe.

And i dont mean to hurt you
When i do the things I do
I know it’s frustrating not being able to force me to stop
You feel like my depression will always be on top.

And maybe you’re right,
Maybe I’m unfixable
Maybe I’ll never see the light
Maybe my anti self worth takes too much of a toll.

So maybe it is all useless,
Maybe I’m just some ****** up mess
And you’re trying to fix this
Any advance you make is dismissed.

So im sorry
Im not exactly a good victim
All i know is how to keep committing this single sin.
Maybe you should just go.
Because saving me is really not gonna be worth it, ya know?

You
Why is it always you?
Two of a kind
Running around my mind.

Why does it always lead back to you?
What is so special about you that i cant find someone new?
What is it that you give me,
That leads me to stay instead of flee.

You
What is going through your head?
How can you possibly call me friend?
Why do you want this to continue instead of end?

What do you see in me?
You’re delusional because there’s nothing to see.
I shouldn’t mean anything to you
Yet you stay and say that I’m important
But i confess all i do to you is rant.

Rant about my feelings
And other useless, irrelevant things.
Why do you continue to listen?
Despite me telling you to go constantly.

Why don’t you ever leave
The easiest thing to do would be to get rid of this pet peeve
I am both a pet and a pest
Your loyally insecure puppy

Too attached
Now forever yours
You don’t want to be stuck with this mess
So please just go, like all the rest.
It’s driving me insane
Do you even have a brain?
Why won’t you just go!
I’m too attached and I wait for you to leave
Because it’s all i know.

And you frustrate me
Because you just won’t go!
What is it running through your head?
I’ll never know.
You comfort me whenever I’m upset
You care about me when i cant care for myself
Why do you do these things?
Because we’re friends?
I’ve never known that path to lead to a good end.

Yet you say you’re different.
And i find myself wanting to believe
Please don’t lead me to be crushed in defeat.
I’m not sure i can take yet another heartbreak
Which is why i keep pushing and pushing you farther away.
I’m not quite sure how to let you in
So i awkwardly say too little and too much
Neither option seems to be enough.
I feel completely exposed and completely isolated.

Am i an attached little puppy?
Why do i trust you even though trust doesn’t mean ****.
I know as time goes on i will mean less and less
But i fear the future so i always think about it and end up a mess.
I dont know how to stop it so i just back away and refuse to do anything
While i sit and ponder why my heart stings

I admit, yes, i do this to myself
I worry and worry until the future i predict comes true.
I know it’s not any good for my health
But i refuse any type of help
Am i even aware of what help is anymore?
I know how to help myself get worse
How to put myself in that dark inescapable void.
It’s tiring but fun,
Watching my sanity slowly spiral.

Isn’t it fun to tell you goodbye
Just to go off and cry
And cut some more?

Do you remember that trick
That was taught to us
When we were making a fuss.
We’d just tumbled or stumbled and hurt ourselves.

And our family said to bite our cheek or tongue or finger because it helps.
We started doing it all the time
Every time we got hurt, but the trick kinda internalized.

Learning to stop one pain with another,
The flame doesn’t hurt your skin if you’re being smothered.
So you’d have bite marks on your finger
Nail imprints on your hands,
Pain that lingered.

But then that wasn’t enough
And you had to keep trying new things
Because you were getting too tough.
Bruises in places where no one would see.
Hidden nicely behind a tee.

And suddenly the pain started being in your heart and head
And you were so confused
How do you stop this pain with something greater
Until you finally figured it out, how to stop this blues.

Your trick still works,
It just needs to sting
No more nails, you want metallic imprints from the tines of your fork
Biting down on your pillow as you dig deeper into your skin
Trying to find some way to overcome what’s inside and win.

Battling fire with fuel.
Why isn’t it working?
Why is the pain you feel still there, still real?
But it doesn’t stop.
It never stops.
And now you don’t know how to stop.

Little boy
Don't go
Little boy, why are you standing alone?
Standing all alone...

Little boy
Don't grow up fast
Little boy
The past never stays in the past.
Little boy
Don't go

Little boy
The world is cruel
It's sick and lonesome
Believe me, it's no fun.
Little boy
Don't grow up

You're moving on
You're giving up
Little boy
Stay young
Little boy
Stay fun
Little boy
The world will turn
And as it turns
What will you learn?
Little boy
Little boy

Little boy
Just take my hand
I'll fly you 'round
To Neverland
Little boy
Don't grow up
Little boy
Don't go too far
Don't leave behind
Everything that you are
Little boy

Little boy
Please don't go
You're all I have
Please don't leave me all alone
Don't leave me all alone...

Little boy
You're all alone
Come with me
I'll take you home
Little boy
Don't go

Little boy
You've grown up quick
You're awful strong
And you've got wit.
Yeah
But little boy
Don't go.

Little boy
You're all i have
With nothing left
How much more time i wish we'd spent.

Little boy
You're all i had
But don't you think
That I am mad
Cuz little boy
You'll always be
Special to me.
Little boy
You've grown so much
Into a man
The world was cruel
But it shook your hand.

Little boy
You're all i have
You were all i had.
Little boy,
Stay in touch
Keep your mind
Don't fuss too much.
Little boy
Don't grow up
Too much.

Little boy
I'll miss you now
You're all alone
But it's okay to wander now.

Little boy
I'm always here
When you stop by
I'll always cheer

Little boy
Don't cry
Little boy
It's all right
Little boy
I'll be fine,
This time.

Little boy
This is home
But it's time for you
To go.
Little boy.

I'll miss you
And you'll miss me
But we'll be fine
You'll see

And little boy
Though you're a man
Don't grow up
Too fast
The world is cruel
Though it shook your hand
Little boy
Stay young
Little boy
Stay fun
Little boy
Go fast, run.

I have a red ribbon.
I like my red ribbon.
It’s tied in knots.
I’ve never been good at making bows.
It’s a nice color red.
It’s a pretty ribbon.

It’s my ribbon.
I don’t want to share my ribbon.
My ribbon keeps me safe.
My ribbon says “no don’t do that today.”
I listen to my ribbon.
My ribbon is hidden.
No one else knows it’s there.
But i know.
And my ribbon knows.
And that’s all who needs to know.

Someone might think it’s weird.
That i have my red ribbon.
And that my red ribbon has me.
But as long as i wear short sleeves no one should see.
My red ribbon goes across my red scars.
But my red scars are not pretty.
Not like my red ribbon.
I’d rather have my pretty red ribbon than my not-so-pretty red scars.

I like looking at my ribbon.
I like admiring it.
My red ribbon is all mine.
And it helps me to be good.
I always make sure my red ribbon is in the right place.
I don’t want anyone to see and take my red ribbon away from me.
My red ribbon and i like each other.
We keep each other semi-sane.

My red ribbon makes me calm.
It squeezes just enough to put my mind at ease,
Without actually hurting me.
It’s like a friendly squeeze.
That says “I’m all you need, and I’m here.”
And it makes me feel safe sane and sound.
Without my red ribbon I’d be lost until it was found.

I like my red ribbon.
My red ribbon looks like a pretty scar.
And it squeezes instead of stinging.
My red ribbon likes me.
I tie it up in cute little knots.
And give it a place to stay.
Instead of being forgotten in the trash.
I need my red ribbon.
My red ribbon needs me.

I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry.
I wasn't thinking again
I didn't mean to hurt you!

I wanted exactly the opposite!
I just wanted you to be happy...
Why does nothing ever work like i think it should?!

I don't want to hurt you,
I don't want to argue with you
I just want you to be happy,
Even if your happiness doesn't include me.

But when i try to leave
To make sure i'm not in the way
We always end up fighting.
Or arguing.
Or ignoring.

And it always makes me feel like crying.

I don't want to play the victim card,
Because i'm not the victim.

I get jealous, but i won't admit it.
I want your attention all the time.
But that's not okay.
I get frustrated.
I feel threatened.

I don't want to lose you to anyone.
And that clouds my judgement sometimes.

I can be such a ******* **** sometimes.
I read over our old messages and i look at things i've said.
I wish i could go back in time and slap myself.

I feel hurt because i feel threatened.
So my first thought is to run away from or hurt you?
What kind of idiot thinks that way?!

I don't want to leave you like everyone else has
But i've left people so many times it just seems like an automatic reaction.
And i want to change that,
I don’t want to be “that” guy forever.

Especially not to you,
To the one i care about.
If anyone deserves an apology
It’s you.

I can’t bear to hurt you, but i don’t know how to stop
So instead i just talk and talk and talk
Where are the actions?
I wish I knew
I’m all bark no bite

What kind of man does that make me?
Am I man or am i mouse?
Mouse without a doubt.
But you are worth so much more than this rat that i am
You deserve someone strong,
Man or woman.
You deserve someone who can protect you
And love you
And help you
And support you
And make you laugh and smile
When you feel like you can’t

I honestly don’t think that I’m that.
And it upsets me
And i get jealous
And i feel threatened
Because all around me that i see
Are people trying to come between you and me.

But I’m backing off
I’m letting this drop
I’m leaving you be
So you can go fly free
And I’m apologizing
Because it’s all you respond to
It’s all i can do.

So it’s all i will do.
I wasn’t taught anything else.
So I’ll do this and hope it helps.

I want to fly.
I want to use a gun to die

I wonder how free a butterfly feels?
I’m sick of all these repulsive ideals

Do you ever wonder why the sky is blue?
I want to slice my scars until they are brand new

I like my black and brown shoes, Vans is my favorite brand.
I’m not sure whether my funeral would be small or grand

I love drawing, I’m not very good at it yet though.
I can’t look in the mirror for fear of seeing my greatest foe

I love small cuddly soft things, i own so many teddy bears and i love them all.
I wonder if anyone can hear me when i scream and slide down to the floor in a ball

I like smiley faces, there’s so many different ones, each with their own charm.
My favorite is the one i just carved into my arm

The night sky is best when covered in stars.
My deltoid looks better covered in my blood and scars

I want to be happy, body mind and soul
I don’t know how to be happy, or how to be whole.

Why am I nostalgic,
For something that hasn't even occurred?
Why am I worried I'll lose you
But yet I won't even say a word.

Am I Caesar, and you my Brute?
Will you, whom I love
Deliver to me that devastating blow?
That ultimate betrayal of a stab in attack

"Es tu, Brute?"
As I begin to waver, quake, and fall.
I breath heavily, but I will not bawl.
I will hold my head high and collapse when I can no longer stand tall.
Knowing it is you who has made that call.

If you asked
I would never leave your side
Forever following,
By only your command, would I abide
Your faithful servant, your loyal slave
Your obedient puppy, whose path you pave
Whose life you save

Ask whatever you wish
I will hold no secrets from you
My solemn flower whose life blossoms by pale light of the darkened moon.
In your solitude, I offer up my servitude
I bask in your backwards beauty
and exquisitely aromatic scent

If you said
"Devote your life solely to me"
I would silently agree with no alternative pleas.
"Stand by my side through the Dark in the Night,
And stay by my side through the Light in the Sky."
I would gladly abide.

Who am I to go against your every Will, Whim, and Wish?
You, whose very whimsical whisper and sweetened shout I longingly miss.
I will blindly follow any and all commands
For you who delicately intertwines fingers or desperately grasps hands.
Lightly gracing me with your attention or violently demanding my affection.

Regardless of which path you travel down
I love it all
With you I feel safe and sound
I will gladly take and give

It is after all my job to obey
No matter what it is you say.

"Get me food."
Gladly
"Be my shade."
Gladly
"Help me with work."
Gladly
"Stop hanging out with them."
Gladly.
"Tell me you love me."
Gladly.
"Fight them for me."
Gladly.
"Hurt yourself for me."
Gladly.
"**** for me."
Gladly.
"Live for me."
Gladly
. . .
"Die."
Gladly.

What light doth yonder window break?
It panes me; to stay and wait
Madness, Madness. Cold and Cruel
Leaving us all Jesters and Fools.

Insanity and Vanity
Our tools of trade.
Do you see what lovely little scars they make?

Perplexing and Vexing
A scattered picture makes.
For who can tell what is real, and what is fake.

Splattered and Slathered
The Mind unveils
Leaving all the ponder it's tales.
Who can tell truth from lie?
Who decides whether they live or die?
Judge, Jury, and Executioner alike
Have all seemingly gone on strike.

The Mind, a kaleidoscope of lies
Nicking and Picking
Fixating and Hating
Obsessing and Testing
Creating and Saving
Destroying, Deploying

Stop.

What Truth is lying within a lie?
That so encaptures and invests our Mind?
What is the difference between truth, fib, and lie?
Perhaps Songbird, Raven, and Vulture will suffice.

Depression *****.
Am I right? Or am I right.
I can't speak.
I don't want to say anything
I want a hug and I want affection and I want attention.
But I also just want to escape and not think about anything.
Sometimes it's hard to escape with them around.

They keep me grounded when I start to get lost,
But once I'm lost they can only hope I find a way back.
They are so important to me,
But sometimes their feelings about me are hard to see.

I wish I could apologize
I wish I really knew what was happening
I wish I understood this blood-******* Demon in my head.

It's hard to talk about really.
TBH I'm just depressed.
I'm known as "that" kid, ya know?
The one with the depressing poetry and stuff.
And yeah they are just joking when they say things like
"You can't write happy things."
But it doesn't help.
Well it doesn't help me.
But my blood-******* Demon appreciates your comment about my writing.

I say he's blood-*******, but I should say blood-letting.
That's one of the things he enjoys doing with me.
"Go on Alec. Pick out a sad song. Something bittersweet should be nice. If it makes you feel guilty while urging you to continue then it's perfect."
But . . . I'm not really up to it today.
"That's okay, because your body thinks differently. Laptop has pulled up a song, door is shut tight, you've opened your Nightmare Before Christmas coffin. Go in Alec. Continue."

Do I have a choice?
I wonder what would happen if I stopped now.
If I left it all here
And went to them
Or to talk to them.
If not them, then someone.
But alas, I leave for no one.

I move the paper I signed over a year ago.
"Do you promise to use alternative methods instead of hurting yourself?"
I signed it.
I thought it would help.
But the only thing it's good for is hiding my tool.

I reach down and grasp the razor.
I **** my breath through my teeth.
This is gonna hurt.
It's from a pencil sharpener.
They are so easy to take apart.
And so convenient for my blood-*******/letting Demon.
He loves them.
I'm not sure if i love or hate them.

The melody has already begun.
The ritual has started.
I can't stop anything now.
Nothing short of someone bursting into my room to ****** it out of my hand would stop me.
But that won't happen
So i speculate for nothing.
I waver for just a moment.
I want blood, but do i want pain anymore?

It doesn't matter.
He wouldn't let me leave.
He just loves taking over my brain.
He says everyone hates me.
Family, friends, and worst of all them.
I can't disagree.
So i take the razor.
I angle it.
One of the sharp ends points down.
Sticking into my skin.
I can already feel the electricity of danger.

I slowly drag the blade down
Waiting for the blood to feed my Demon
He licks his lips in waiting
While I hiss at the sting it's bringing.
I flex to make the crimson colors blossom and bloom.
I know it will all be over soon.
Once he's had his fill
I can go back to my life
Like I was never even ill.
...But I don't know how to go back there anymore.
Any attempt at trying only increases his laughter.

“You make me happy”
“I need you”
I need to stop
I’m getting attached
I need to stop trying to latch
I have problems
Look at me not even trying to solve them
She’s a player
Why don’t I hate her?
Yeah she flirted with me once
But I highly doubt it meant much
Yet here I am
Making myself sad
And making myself mad.
Why do I let myself get attached
I need to stop getting latched.
I glance at you and I smile.
How stupid of me, I’m getting all riled
You’re stuck on someone
You’re not done
I need to back off
Before I become lost
I’ve said what I needed to say
If you need or want me you need only to send a hey
But I should move on
Seeing as you’re gone

Look at me
I’m a ******* mess
Sitting here alone
So ******* depressed
In the dark
There’s no point in fighting so hard
I’m just giving up
I should quit band
It makes me feel like this
My body
My mind
Everything
“What’s wrong” they say.
How do I respond.
I can’t assure them
I can’t make them feel better
I only know
I am losing sleep
As I lie here in this heap
My clothes scattered around me
My mind is lost and no one has yet found me
I cannot think
I do not breathe
I’m in my head
Battling the past, the dead.
I haven’t the strength to climb up into my bed.
So I just lie here instead.

I
I need to write
Why?
Because I'm still awake
And everything feels fake.
I'm stuck in my fantasies
Unable to figure out reality
I can't seem to sleep,
I'm waiting for the rest I seek.
I am trapped in my mind
It's as though my soul has been signed.
To whom I do not know,
I only know that to dreamland I do not go.
I am stuck
Seemingly out of luck
True is false, false is true
Moon is day, Sun is night
Sky is down, Earth is up
Me is I, but I? am not me.
I write
For I cannot dream.
I scream
For I cannot shut my eyes, I am forced to see.
Why am I not fatigued?
I was tired only a moment ago,
When did that leave?
Why is my sleepiness low?
What is missing that causes me to stay awake?
What ails me so that the road to sleep I cannot take?
I know not.
I simply write,
And hope that reality is not fake.

It's difficult to bare my soul
To let you know the things
That I let no one know

It's difficult to say the words
That I wish so dearly to have you hear
And not knowing how you'll respond
I've developed a fear

Slowly ever so slowly I try to let go
I try to say the things I feel
To let you know
That I care that I'm here that I miss you
Too much

But I sound pathetic
To my own ears
And I want nothing more than
To shut up

But once I start
I can't seem to stop
The words fight to escape
And I'm left feeling lost

I'm trapped in a daze
Lost in a maze
How can I tell you
How much you mean

If I can't bear to see
Or hear what you'd say
Why can't I tell you
And why does it hurt

If I say nothing it threatens come out
It wants to be heard
And I don't doubt
It would gladly escape
At just the wrong moment
And ruin my happiness
And all that we have

If I say something
It hurts just to hear
The words sound pathetic
And I feel so cruel
To myself and I say
The things I fear
How will you react
Did you even hear?

You don't always,
You don't always respond
And that makes me more lost
I don't know
What to say
Or what that means
But it hurts
And this pain
...
It wants to be seen

How do I bare my soul
To another
Even though I know
That we could very well leave each other

What keeps me going
What keeps me here
Why do I feel this way
When you do not?
You are nervous sure
But you say you feel different
Like suddenly you believe in love
And the things that come with it

And I
I feel the same
But I've always believed
And I've know this would be difficult
But this?
A past me, would not believe.

This wreck I am becoming
This crushing weight of me
Of you
Of us?
What does this all mean
When I want to say
The things that dash around my brain

But
You
Don't
Always
Hear.

And I bare my soul
In just one moment
I just let go
And there it is
Left out
In the open

But you
You didn't hear...
And I know
I can't bring myself to repeat.
The words I spoke
Are words I would never say
Words that escaped through some hole
In my soul
And found a way

Word *****
One might think
But something I hide
Is what I think

I want to say what I said
Again
But
What you would say
Leaves me in internal pain
To no end

I couldn't do it
I couldn't repeat
I couldn't bare my soul
I had to miss that beat.

I can't
I don't know why
I trust you with so many things
And I do
I care
And I know that you
Mean so much to me

But I'm afraid
Of too many things
I'm still unsure
Of how to be me.
And how can I bare my existence to you
If I can't even do that
For me?

And I know this poem
Isn't over
It's just not finished yet
But I can't seem to
Find the words
To be able to say
The things that truly
Want to escape

How do I talk to you?
How do I stop hiding
How do I unlock my cage
How do I let these things so sacred
Escape?

And what?
Find their way to you?
You, the unknown?
You, the unsure variable
The confusing algebraic equation
The one I could spend hours working on
Slaving away
Paper and pen
Still not knowing
How to solve or what to say.

How will you react
When you realize what I am
Who I am
I've told you things before
Things no one knows.
But yet
...
To fully bare my soul?

To say the things
I've locked away
The things kept from prying eyes
The things I hide from MYSELF?

I want to say it all.
And it's terrifying
Because what
What will you say?
What will you do??
What if I lose you???

I should shut up
I know it
So I will
I'm sorry

I'm going to snap
I'm going to break
I'm going to blow up
And end this place
My palace of lies
Will come crumbling down
The cracks are already
Easily found
Big and small
With jagged edges
Much like the heart
That keeps on begging

What do I,
Or it even want?
This is too long
I'm stuck in a rut
...
Sorry
That is the end.

But why am I still so frustrated!!!
Why is my heart mind and soul still filled with this hatred!!
Why do I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart?!?!
Why do I feel so broken, like a shattered work of art
....
Why can't I shed a single tear
And I sit here
And everything is so unclear
...
And I want to say I'm sorry
But I don't know how to say
It or anything else
And this has grown too long
And my feelings are too ****** difficult to overcome
And I need to just let go.
But I can't until you know.

So I'll say it
Or rather send it
And I don't know how you'll react
And I'm terrified
Like a trapped rat
But I'll do it
And I'll see where it leads

I'm not one for trust falls
I've always caught myself just a hair before
Stumble and save myself
Because what if they aren't there?
Because they don't need me anymore

And what if they is you and you are them
And they are the world and you are my world
And everything is lie
And I'm still ******* trapped in my never-ending mind!
....
But I'll try
I'll let myself attempt
I'll turn my back
And hope that you
Won't be the Brutus to my Caesar.
That the words "es tu brute?"
Won't escape my lips

And hope
That I will fall
And that you will catch me
And that it will be okay
Because I will trust you
Even through my own anxiety.

How does one
Make the choice
Between
Suffering and death

How does one decide
Between
Being alive
Out of spite
Or giving in
To rest

When the world
Seems so against you
Should you just give in?
Or should you keep on fighting
And find a way
To win

The world will keep on turning
But you should keep turning too?

How does one
Make the choice
Between
Suffering and death

With someone's life
Laying in your hands
How do you decide
What is right

If they choose wrong
Do you choose for them?
Do you choose what they want
Or what you feel you need?

No matter what you pick,
Will you still feel guilty?

How does one
Make the choice
Between
Suffering and death

When everyone says
I'm here for you
But no one really means it
Where do you turn

Are you okay?
Starts to anger you
How does life go on?
When you go through
What you go through

How do you make those choices
How do you decide
How do you know what is right
Or what to do

I'm sorry
I'm not trying to leave
I'm not trying to avoid you
That's not what I want
I swear

But how do I stop myself?
No
No I won't say that
No that's annoying
No that's upsetting
I won't say that because then it will be true

I will try to stay
I want to more than anything
You were there for me when
I felt alone
Very very alone
When I couldn't look at myself
You were there
Not anyone from before

But you have to admit
We are different people.
Not that there is a problem with that
It's to be expected though
That we fight
And we argue sometimes
That's normal for friends
I guess.
Or so I've seen and been told

You are both a year older than me
I am immature and stupid and young
I am not on your level
I will never be there with you
I am always one step behind you

Not to mention that I am an addition to your friendship.
I was not there to begin with
I missed everything that you two went through
I'm not as close
I'm easy to remove
I matter less

But it makes sense.
I'm not hurt because it's expected
I'm sorry it seems like I'm just ranting now
But over the summer I started to care less
In a way
By care less I don't mean avoid you
I mean I stopped enjoying the over the top teasing
I didn't like it as much

It started to hurt
But I didn't want to say anything
Even though I should have.
I'm sorry it took so long for me to say something
I don't want us to fight

Sometimes you say you're joking
But I worry that you're not
I get frustrated sometimes
I lash out
When I shouldn't.
And that's not fair
And I'm sorry

But sorry isn't always enough
And I'm trying
To fix it
But I'm not very good at it
I am always wrong after all.

Do you remember the goldfish joke?
The snack that smiles back
Goldfish :)
It's been awhile since we've joked about that
Sorry I don't really know where that came from
I'm not really sure where any of this is coming from
I'm just kind of writing

Does it count as a poem
If it's not rhyming?
I mean I think so
But I don't really know

I'm sorry I've been distant.
I'm sorry I **** at writing poetry
I write stuff like this
So I can get out my emotions
It's stupid I know
I want to fix it
But I don't want to hurt anyone
I don't want to argue

When you joke around
Sometimes you mean it
And sometimes something is really hurting you
But how do I know what it is
If you won't tell me how you feel?
I'm sorry
I don't want to hurt you
I don't mean to hurt you
But that doesn't mean I don't hurt you
And saying sorry must be like
Putting a band aid on a chopped off limb.
I'm stupid
A lot of the time

This poem is getting really long
But it just doesn't feel finished yet
I keep thinking about the tone in your voice
When I say things I don't mean
I don't want to lose you!
I don't want to see that hurt look in your eyes!
But how do I fix this!
What do I do?!

You say it's okay
I have responsibilities now that I'm dating someone
But you're not being truthful
And you're hurting
At least I think
Maybe I'm wrong
I could be wrong
Maybe I'm the only one who is upset

But I feel like we need to talk
About something
About this thing
So that we don't
Fall apart
Because that's not what I want

I'm not sure what else to say.
I think I might just end it here
The poem that is
Not our friendship
Or this conversation
Just the poem
Because I'm not done
Talking about this
And as long as you let me
I want to and will be your friend.

I think that's it.
I'll end it here
On this verse.

I want to write a poem
But I don't know what to write.
I'm such a broken doll
I wish I could make this rhyme
But nothing works in my mind
Well except those two lines
Well now it's three
Oops

My Brian isnt really working right now
Oops spelling error I mean brain
That probably proves just how little my brain wants to work
I think I might be in denial.
I've probably been in denial all day.
But once I finally got there
The denial went away

Now I'm crying
I was crying in the ICU
And I'm crying now.
In the waiting room.
I want to put my words down onto this page.
I want to make this page my stage
I want to pour my emotions into this piece
But I can't seem to get it right
Seeing as this poem barely rhymes
Not that a poem ever has to rhyme.

I read her one of my poems while I talked at her.
Well I should say talked to her
But she couldn't respond.
She was trying.
I know she was trying.
But it didn't really work.
She had, I think it's called a respirator, down her throat.
So she couldnt speak a single note.

I think I'm going to go back in soon.
My dad is talking to her alone.
They say there's only a 50% chance she'll make it through the night
And everyone says they're praying
But I'm not quite sure who to pray to.
So I don't pray.
I just hope
And I believe in her
I trust that if she wants to fight and make her way back that we will.
And I hope that that's what she wants.

I feel like I never really spent any time with her now.
I feel like I barely know her.
I feel like when it comes down to it.
We don't really know each other.
When I first found out she was in the hospital,
I was getting ready for school.
I had to get to band at 7
And it was already 6:40
I needed to hurry.
So when I heard them talk about it
I wasn't sure what to say

There's been some scares before but it always turned out okay.
But now they say it's worse
Now my family is coming into town.
My family doesn't talk.
We aren't close.
We only speak if necessary
We do the least, not the most.
The fact that they are coming
Leaves me in shock

Is this the last time I'll see her?
I don't know
I have hope that she'll make it.
She keeps trying to talk
I'm sure it will all be alright I guess
But I can't help but worry.

The eyes are the window to the soul
Showing the emotions you can not explain, but still know.
Trying to decipher what it is that you see in those eyes
You could pretend not to care but those emotions are not just small lies.

The look was not expected but the tragedy was.
This was not what nature does
Matted fur and broken bones
Is their owner waiting for them to come home?
Lying on the side of the road all day
While the heat turned up and the sun slaved away
Open mouth, and god the eyes

The car must've come as a surprise. . .
Did they stop for even a second?
Was there any remorse? Did they even regret it?!
Did they look in their eyes . . . like I did.
Even hours after life was ripped from their body
The eyes were not empty and dead, but full of fright, aware of the unavailability to flee.
As if the soul was trapped, in shock and denial of the sudden tragedy.

Did I see the stars in their eyes?
The kind where you look up and question What, Why, When and Who you are?
Where you have your mid-life crisis in your teens.

Those eyes.
That soul.
I could feel the pain they felt, and the tragedy that they saw
But could not stop out of shock,
Were they expected to just put up a paw?
How is that not against the law.
Don't tell me that it's fair
Don't tell me that it's "just an animal"

You! look into it's eyes full of anguish and despair.
You! stare into the soul that is not yet aware.
You! see it's broken huddled mass of fur and bones and emotions unknown
And then try to tell me that it's fair.

Someone loved it, someone cared for it
How long with they be waiting for their buddy to come home?
How long before they lose all hope, not knowing who to phone.
You go tell them "it's just an animal"
Listen to what they have to say, then tell me you feel null.

You look into the owners eyes
And stare into their soul
And you will find the same despair you found in the eyes of that "just an animal"

"The instructor said:
              Go home and write
               a page tonight.
              And let that page come out of you-
              Then, it will be true. " -Theme for English B by Langston Hughes

Ten minutes.
Is that all it takes?
To pour a piece of my soul,
Onto this page?

If it were up to the schooling system,
I could write and write and write.
But not a word of it would be True.
Not a word of it would be me.
Not a shard of my soul would be seen.

If given the chance I could write for hours
Page after page
Verse after verse
No need to stop or slow down
I know that my own Voice, I have already found.

I could talk about the love, the hurt
Anything others wanted to hear.
Or I could write about absolutely nothing.
Does writing about nothing count as something?
If the words on the page mean nothing to me,
Should I still be congratulated on the "good" work that they see?

My eyes are dead as I am praised for the work I forgot I wrote.
Because I didn't mean a single note.
This sometimes makes school simple.
If I say what they want to hear,
Then I pass and move to the next class,
While graduation grows near.

But what if I lose my Voice?
As so many others have.
I think that I would go mad.

Ah, it would seem my time is up.
Tell me then,
Was ten minutes enough?
Did I place a piece of my soul in this poem?
Or did it mean nothing to me,
As so much of our educational writing does.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry for being an idiot
I'm sorry for being rebellious
I'm sorry that I'm not who you have always thought I would be.

I'm sorry that was you see in me,
Is not what's true.
I'm sorry that I'm a failure
I'm sorry that I'm lazy
I'm sorry that I'm a disappointment.
And don't say I'm not,
You're not allowed to.
Not if you think these things in your head.
Even if it only happened once.
It counts.

You say these things in your head,
And I'm sorry that I have to tell you that they transfer into your words.
Your tone.
Your eyes.
You don't have to say it for it to be true.
You don't have to say anything ever.

So I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so rebellious and terrible.
I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you thought I would be.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry.
But have you noticed?

The more I say I'm sorry
The less true it is
And the less it means to you.

We've both taken too much time to say sorry.
BOTH of us.

Don't blame it all on me.
And I won't blame it all on you.
We are both at fault.

But it doesn't matter.
Because even if you DO read this,
You won't say anything.
We're both really good at going behind each other's backs.

I'm sorry I'll never be who you want.
But that's fine.
Fine to me. Your son.
Because I was never gonna be who you wanted anyway.

They ask if I bleed
I do not want to answer
It's the wrong body

This can not be right
What is it they do not see
I know this is me

Why must I do this
It hurts in body and mind
Why is this my life

Crinkling pages
Students murmur through silence
Welcome back to hell

All it takes is a moment
A fuddled mistake
All that it takes to turn love to hate
And you don't want to own it
All that it takes is some words
Doesn't matter how or what is said
Any syllable can mean the sword
And you yell and you scream till you're dead
But who was to blame in the end?
No not just you, though you did contribute
Both needed wounds to be tended
But instead chose to ransack and loot.
A jab here
A hook there
Towards the heart a knife nears,
No, not a knife, a dagger
In a cycle of mistrust
Who started it? Does it even matter?
No, the only fact is that communication at the moment is a bust.
Words explode and you only slide further down this impossible to climb ladder.
You focus on splinters instead of climbing,
They focus on the way you climb, not that you're climbing
If neither focuses on the climbing then what's the point of trying?
If neither wants to truly speak their mind,
Will both be forever blind?
All it takes is some words
And maybe an action.
Too lost in the playing of swords....
Want to go home, but, where is home anymore?
Just a simple string of words is all it takes
To turn love to hate.

The world is moving
Watch as it speeds along
Singing it's favorite song
Rollerblading past
Houses, families, stores all fly by so fast
Spinning round and round
Whistling to the sound of the town
Down alleyways, past street signs, racing cars
Slipping between bars
Left, right, hop, spin, slide, repeat
Everyone else catching up with the beat
Dancing across the globe
Lights shining,
Illuminating the halls where everyone is gliding
Slip and sliding across the floor
Watch them all soar
Smiles dancing around faces
Nodding heads to the bases.
With another
With each other
With yourself
Ecstatic as an elf
Calm and cool
Or a dancing fool
Do the jig and the jag
Disco and tag
Sprinkler or twerking
Whatever you wanna be working
Cha cha cha down avenues and lanes
Who cares if you all look insane
Following the beat of the world
Rollerblading, biking, dancing, running, skating, walking, strolling along
Whistling the same old tune, humming to the comforting song
Wrapping yourselves up in love
Lost in the sea of doves
Holding hands,
Making plans
Watch what you can be and what you can do
Join us, you're already there, look at you already singing to the tune
Your own words in our intermingling song.
Mixing and changing syllables as you come along
Hear the music in your heart
Share your art, come play your part
Grab an outstretched hand
Wiggle your toes in the sand
Shop for hours
Climb up towers
Sing like a dove
Close your eyes fall in love
Dance wherever
Never say never
Read upside down
Sightsee in your own town
Follow your hearts desires
Until your body tires.
Then take a rest
And wake up to leave the nest
To be yourself
Better than anyone else.
Welcome to the tune
Come with us over seas and trees and dunes.
Don't just watch and wait
Join in on making fate.
Follow the tune
You'll make your fate soon
Come along
Sing a song
Moving and grooving
Dancing and prancing
Chasing after our dreams
No matter how silly it seems
Aha! There! See them flow?
C'mon, it's off we go!!

My head is red
My eyes have pain
I've been drinking *** from dusk till dawn
Will I wake up in the morning?
The sky exploded in a blinding light
Stopping what would have become a fight.
A man I'd known from a time back when
Shook his head when he downed number 10.
Away, away, away we go.
Where will we end up?
Nobody knows.
We'll cross the seas
And collect our fees
Singing all the way through
Drinking our *** and having our fun while singing a dancing tune.
We'll dance a jig
And take a swig
Surrounded by jewels and ***.
Away, away, away we go
Where will we end up?
Nobody knows.
But away, away, away we go
Drinking our *** and having our fun.
Where will we end up?
Not even we know.

Let me be me.
Trust my judgement even if you don't know what it means
Believe that I am trying
Explaining how I feel is a lot harder than lying.
I am afraid.
I am scared with every word I say
But not because of I'm unsure who I am at the end of the day.
I know who I am. What I'm afraid of is that our relationship will fade.
It's hard for both of us,
All I'm asking for is a little bit of trust
I know you don't want to give it because I've lied.
I know you feel like your daughter has died
But I know that your son is alive.
He's not asking for help, he just wants support
You can't get a her out of him no matter what you try to extort.
I've always been a people pleaser, who said I didn't act that way for you?
I don't like upsetting people, this trait is not new.
I know you think I am too young
But I am sure as the rising sun
I may not know everything, but at least I know this
So draw your arrow and aim your bow
But if you shoot be sure not to miss
Because when it comes to this, I will not just roll over and lie low.

little boy blue
blow your horn
don't regret being born
play your tune
you'll find love soon
and not be afraid anymore
little boy blue
don't be so sad
life doesn't always have to be so bad
just blow your horn
while sitting in a field of corn
little boy blue
your other colors will come soon.

I am violent and angry
Not even I can truly tame me
I am the rage
It consumes me
Eating away, unseen
Tearing me apart, ripping to shreds
Even if it's all just a part of my head
It can't be contained
I try, but am pained.
Sparks fly till fire ignites
Like a phoneix in flight.
Eyes glaring, heat from the gaze melting every person in sight.
And yet there you are
While everyone else has run away so far.
You glare back
One look, it's not even an attack.
It's just a look
And I'm shook.
And I can't seem to shake the feeling.
My tough exterior is peeling
While my mind is reeling
Taken aback from what I've done
I quietly realize that it was I who was holding the gun
And then I'm done.
I'm kneeling in the ashes
Hands blackened
The flames I shot out
I've finally realized my actions.
Cuz you showed me.
With nothing more than a look,
That was all that it took.
In my shame, I build up the courage to look
And it's you.
And you stare?
Your eyes forgiving
Yet, unspokenly, I am dared
Contain the flames
My guilt, it gives me pangs
But you reach for me, and grab my hand.
The skin is soft like fine sand.
You extinguish the flames
You smile, as if playing with fire is one of your favorite games.
I hold your hand and refuse to let go
I don't want the flames to grow.
For some reason you let me, knowing something I don't know.

An illusion in the mind
Twisting and turning through time
Endless hunt
Surroundings repeat, seemingly stuck in a rut
Running, running, running
This beast is too cunning
No tracks, no scent, no way to find where it hides
In the darkness it lies
Waiting for just the right time...
When will it strike?
There's nothing to do but wait,
Let a few tears roll down in angst.
Aside from that just run until you go insane...
For the Beast, it calls your name.

A little boy, he sits
Pondering the world
Outside, **** on the sidewalk
Upset, but without frowns.
Parents wandering somewhere in town.
Judging those who come across
When they themselves are truly lost.
They have no right to judge
No one can speak for the world while they still hold a grudge.
He sighs...does no one else understand.
He certainly can't explain using just his hands.
He wants to speak for the world
But is unable to form any words.

Perhaps the reason of why we hide
Behind our many masks
Comes more from the inside
The hidden does not speak
The hidden does not feel
A mask can be bent and broken
Take the blunt force of your opponent
Meanwhile you are safe
Watching, waiting, just to see
Is it safe to come out,
Or will they hurt me?

Have you ever wondered why we're here?
Have you ever wondered what's the purpose of it all?
Well someone's told you
And they'll tell you again
It's just happiness.
Some people say religion
And that's a reason to move forward.
Some say reincarnation
And that's a reason to look back.
But what about now?
What's the reason for now?
Some people say it's nothing
But I don't think that's true.
That means that we've done everything
There's nothing left to prove.
And I assure you,
That can't be true
Cuz we're not perfect.
We still make mistakes
Whether big or small,
Good or bad
We still make them. Still create them.
And we still change
Everyday we grow
Old and new alike
But if the purpose is just happiness,
Then why aren't we free?
Why do we run around just playing house,
Not always smiling in our sleep?
How can that be?
Is it just one persons choice,
Or is it something more?
Why do we strive for greatness,
When we should strive for something more?
Society itself, the world, and all of its inhabitants
Work together to find a cure for this quite strange panic.
Helping those who've never known a real true kind of smile.
Those slammimg doors and building walls to hide from us all.
The ones you've never known
The ones who've never shown
That they know happiness.
Well we've told them
And we'll tell them again
Don't be scared of happiness
It won't **** you
It won't hurt you at all
So stop fighting happiness.
It'll help you along when the day gets you down.
It'll push back against the walls trying to make sure you're not found.
Cut the ropes whose final goal is to keep you forever bound
That's not how we want to live.
See, they've told you once before
But they'll tell you once again
It's just happiness.

The only thing they're good at
Is running away.
Twisting and turning on a narrow, dirt path.
Weaving past the pale barren trees.
Breathing heavily turns to panting like a dog.
The frigid air suffocating their lungs
Squeezing them like a python
But they cannot stop.
Further and further from warmth
The snow gets deeper, sinking like quick sand.
Their legs are numb and they can't feel their face.
But they're not with you.
They stumble, their legs stuck, and hear a snap.
The sound cuts through the cold, thick silence
Their eyes seem to water, but they can't be sure.
If so then they've frozen, unable to form any tears.
They trudge forward, crawling, their head barely reaching the top of the snow.
Their eyes shut tight, iced over like a rink
They want to call out but their Voice will not let them.
Subconscious too stubborn to let others know.
Reaching forward grasping at empty air,
Their lungs nearing empty,
Tilt their head to the sky.
A word escapes their lips through a puff of white air.
Small, weak, and frail
Sounding like broken glass.
An utterance of help,
Could it be their last?

Love
-when the word is spoken it can seem bitter sweet.
-like candy that rolls off the tongue with a faint yet sour-sweet taste.

Freedom
-to some but a dream to others declaration
-keeps one smiling, looking forward to the future, while another takes for granted, doing all that they wish.

Friends
-people nearby, convenient and useful. People you love, care for, want to be with forever.
-used like tools to better yourself, cared for too much betrayed and alone, or stuck with forever; home away from home.

Depression
-tears, a sadness, a hate for yourself, unable to think so-called "happy thoughts"
-told its fake, just learn to smile. Going untreated, spark in eyes gone for awhile.

Strength
-physical, mental, objectively so. Not always the greatest but strive to be so.
-causes fights, ruins friendships, who is better? Measurement of abilities to see who is a go-getter.

Beauty
-a social construct, designed to keep in charge those who value their own opinion. Not caring who they make hurt inside.
-true beauty, being oneself, something hard to come across. Too wrapped up in others words to take a look at what they've lost.

Heroes
-"anyone can be a hero, even you."
-but if we believe that's true, why do we hold them so high above the rest, if anyone of us qualify for the test?

The day awakens
And so do you.
The sun, not yet risen
The sky a darkened hue,
Crisp fresh morning air
The chill reviving you.
Outside your bedroom window,
Air fogging up the glass,
Eyes spotting glints behind pine trees
But gone within a flash.
Opening up the barrier
Wind howling in your ears
Bushes rustle while leaves toss about the wind.
Sparkling grass, wet from morning dew
The birds begin to chirp
Signaling others to speak too.
The sun begins to rise,
Sky turning orange, red, purple, and blue
Up over the mountains
With light shining through.
Every drop becomes a diamond
Their goal is to woo.
To draw you outside,
To greet them with smiles,
So come out the door and explore for awhile.

Let us smile for it is a joyous day!!
One to be proud of,
One that states hey!
One from beginning to end
Was filled with good friends.
Cheers and laughter!
Love and hope.
One with no worry!
...
But is it a hoax?
Does the truth hide behind some sort of a veil?
Or is it there in the open,
Making us pale.
Do we figure it out...
Or pretend we don't doubt?

Perhaps I'd like to run away
Perhaps it's worth a try
Perhaps I'd like to dig a hole
And end up in another time.
A brand new name.
A second birth.
A new beginning,
In a different world.
To try again,
To make things right.
To trust in others,
To help the needy.
To always be selfless,
To always be there.
Ready to serve.
A friend to all nature,
No matter the cost.
To bring forth the truth,
Of how we all should act.
To care about the place we live in,
Instead of selfish facts.
To lend a helping hand,
Instead of stabbing backs.
The world we know has come corrupt
With people who won't change.
So one day at a time,
One smile a day,
Let's turn the world around.

It can blast your eardrums
Drowning out the world
It can play softly, whispering in your ear
Background music for your life as though it is a movie.
Sometimes feeling strong emotions
Sometimes feeling no emotion
The melodic tune that breezes through the air filling up the empty space
The dark empty tone that echoes as though silence goes for miles.
Tunes that some can't live without.
Tunes that others wish were gone.
Harsh, ecstatic, vexing, tranquil, depressing, joyful, angsty, serene.
Emotions felt through a beat.
The chirping of birds, the beating of drums, feet pounding on pavement, oceans hitting the shore.
Music can be found all over the earth
The beat of the city, the time in your head, music sung by artist, songs made up in showers instead.
Music fills the heart, pumps through the veins.
Pounding a beat of individuality
A gateway to the soul
To find out who you are.
The way you view the music,
The way you view the world.

Curl up into a ball
Perhaps they won't get over the wall
Shut tight with steel beams
No open cracks or broken seams
Put on the mask you hide behind
Your true face, they will not find!
Locking up all of your flaws
Soundproof walls, to hide their calls.
Plaster smiles onto your face!
The less they see, the less they take.
Too tall to climb, too strong to break.
Hidden, happy, and quite safe.
The wall is up
And all others are out of luck.