I remember what we used to have
Hang outs,
On the couch
Cuddle fests
With nothing but your neck to nest
And nuzzle on the other’s.
Head rests
And hands link
Subtle winks
Nothing surpasses this.
But when you say what you said
And want to “take a break”
To me that means a rest
A rest from it all
And this was for your sake.
So i took the space
You needed
Feeded your mind and heart
With the gap holding us apart
So you could get the perspective you desired.
And a part of me admired you for it.
But now that you revealed
That youre back with him
I have nothing short of fury
And i want to bury
My feelings
And act like it doesnt matter
Act like i dont have a heart
I dont hear it in my chest
There’s no pitter patter.
Because now i feel tricked and empty.
You didnt want an end
And i stupidly agreed.
That taking a leave would be best
Little did i know
Upon my return, id be blessed
With the knowledge of you and your ex
reunited.
I feel slighted.
Because you didnt want a break
You wanted a break UP.
Because who ever wants a break?
She
Apparently.
Its a shame to me she didnt know the difference.
And didnt have the heart to tell me they were back together…
Until now.
And now
There WAS a break...
because We’re broken.
And i dont know how to mend it.

Its frustrating to me
That a man can hold so much power
And make me feel so small
And yet... loved.

The delicate play
Of manipulation
Held me in an intricate web
Of control.

I don't miss
Waiting in his web of lies
And manipulation.
Wondering if I was good enough,
Tasty enough
For his delicate and dominating sensibilities.
If I didn't fit his fancy
He'd find another
To prey upon.
Keeping me at the center
Of his web
Waiting,
Claiming,
I was his admired,
Beloved.
I was adored
And should be elated.

I saw the freedom
Of this resilient spider-
All of his eyes looking thirsty.

Here I am-
the main delight,
Waiting in his nest.

Funny how he went out searching for more
When I've been here,
Waiting for him to feast.

Life is a smorgasbord.

A cheese plate.
A puzzle.
A cheapskate.
A muzzle.
That confuzzles
And confounds you
Bounds you
Astounds you
That the bind is to
Liberty
In the hopes you'll see
You're nothing but free
In this mess of a sea.
Spirit hears your plea
So don't be afraid
To just
Be.

I'm glad he left me
in a Window by the Sea
See I had forgotten
to Be
Truer to Myself than he.

And now, drowning in misery,
I never seem to feel happy.
So it's a relief to stare pensively
Through this Window by the Sea,
and observe how mesmerizing
and brighter my reflection is,
Without He who stood beside Me.

Life's your own boomerang
Shoots you forward
Flings you back
Its no wonder with this lurch
That im a crippled insomniac
Its whack
How i take a few steps forward
Only to get smacked
In the head
Maybe i dont have enough street cred
On this path of Life
Its no wonder im a **** head
Cuts the anxiety like a knife
Couldnt wake up from this limbo
Couldnt fall asleep to dream
Only stuck in this middle space
Gotta survive by a solo team
So ill go on shooting forward
remember where i return
Makes the next wound a bit easier
Less strong of a burn
Doesnt mean im going backwards
Just means i must revert
To this origin
This oneness
And my mode of thinking
I must convert.

I want to paint the walls
With my dancing feet
Splash melodies
Of syncopated movement
-my heartbeat.

I feel color in my sway
Hues combine as the motion fades away.
An indistinguishable color remains.
Me.

What exactly are we afraid of?
feeling liberated or being berated?
satiating my thirst for love seems easy
but the thought makes me queasy

the reasons complex
my head's a clouded mess
rotting piles of plastic phrases festering while resting in crowded corners
not neglected nor respected
because it's infected, contagious and spreading
setting the tone for the rest of the night
it's like an internal fight

but there's no winner
i'm just a beginner, or better a sinner
maybe some food or dinner will put to rest
this litmus paper truth test...
my head is like a jail
and i'm stuck in a head arrest.

There is a hum
That hears not me
But it.
The very reflection of itself
Ever present
Vibrant.
Buzzing
-It rings
A zing, to the
Past present and future
Its connected.
Reminding me to nurture,
Release.

Dont break the hum
Embrace it
So it doesnt drone on
Rather, the particles bond
Dont diffuse it
For it is music
It is The background to this rhetoric
And the catalyst serving as my outlet
Usurping my pouting fit
Cant let this be a nuissance
But rather serve me in this instance
For im set to fix
This mess thats got me in a twist
May i recognize the circumstances
That can help me ground this
Body ive been given to walk around in.
And so i hear the hum
That hears not it
So i can be here this very moment
In a blissful state
Instead of discord and dissonance.

This chariot of heart ache
Pulls my heart strings
For goodness sake
Just the idea of the taste
Of your sweet tongue
Gliding beneath my lip
Makes me salivate.
Lets commemorate
The good times we had
And not feel morose.
After all just a dose
Of optimism
Is like light through a prism
Scatters a rainbow bright
Feels light
No bad imaginings in sight.
But then i yearn
My stomach turns
For our love's fire -so passionate
combusted and burned
Now it's trapped in an urn.
Saved and still present
Kept on the mantel
I really cant tell
If it can be reborn again.
"Let it go, for it's not meant to be right now" said my friend.
So my heart feels nauseated
My stomach is aching
They both beat in syncopation.
Pit pat.
Pit pat.
There "we" go...off to the past.
Only a memory now.
Gone just like that.

Oh La Luna.
You do much more than move tides.
You shift Souls into Light
Reminding us of the Dark
So we return with Might.
My Mighty Magician.
Master of my Soul,
Master of Night. ✨

The seams are ripping-
all mentality is lost.
I seem to be slipping
and for what cost?

What is the reason for my destruction?
A familiar detour I know too well.
I continue to stay under construction,
something to people I dare not tell.

For why worry them when all hope is gone
I look as I feel, after all I'm no con.
So yes the seam, I can say is now ripped
the sisters of fate look at my life line-
it's finally been snipped.

Some things are meant
           to be fleeting
                   In an instant
                       Its purpose
                       Not to be understood
                       For if it was
                  Then no genial questions
        Wed have to degust
Only left
To settle,
Calcified,
by

Answers.

I think it's wise
To bat and blink your eyes,
And to pretend to fly
-at times

Times when the saltiness of your tears
Taste like a Dark & Stormy
From your bitter years

Times when you feel your feet,
But not on the ground
When your mind feels stripped
But not quite sound

Times when you feel like a wilting flower
Energy diminished, &you;; mood is sour
You blink, and forever has come and gone
But it's not even past the hour
Though it feels so long

It's the times we feel lost
That liberate us to fly free
Because as long as we're lost
There are endless possibilities

So remember,
When deep in the kerfuffle,
To ruffle your feathers,
Ride out the weather
Close your eyes,
And simply,
Fly.

Oh I have reasons to be sad
And reasons to be happy
Seasons to embrace
but the winter just feels ******
I've found a silver lining
or maybe it's a gold
It's this little thing called LOVE
And it never ever gets old.
I heard it as a whisper,
as a voice inside my head.
It said "I Love You Katherine"
And it rarely ever gets said
So now I learn to listen
and embrace the happy glow,
it makes me warm and tingly
and now it really starts to flow.
I want to give it to you all
but right now this one's for me.
You see I've been neglecting it
and it's helping me feel free.
Soon I won't have to listen
and I'll just begin to know
if you neglect the voice inside too,
know that Love can ease your woes
and it's never to late to do.

It was was his reflective eyes
And golden hair
I loved
Of which I am aware.
But now this exquisite mirror's gone
Left
No reflection to share.

Oh Compelling Magician
Why do your vibes glow?
You're tempting,
Mysterious,
But my brain is just too slow.
To keep with your illusions
And your twinkly fantasy
But I'm compelled to look in further,
To the effervescence,
Your majesty.
You have this way-
Pure,
And Indescribable.
It's magnetizing,
It's happy,
And it's quite unfathomable.
So dear, dear, magician
Please let me come close.
Tell me of your secrets,
Of the mystery of the cosmos.
I promise not to tell-
Your secret's safe with me.
And you'll have my heart forever,
Two magicians to be
Psychically, as one,
For all eternity.

I hate you
I hate how i want to chase you
I hate how you don't say thank you
you're a taker
I'm a giver
and forgiver
so you take
and you take
because I give and I give
and I wonder why I live
like this
considering you
when you always miss
what I do
or just see through
I need to get a clue
and see that it isn't new
your lack of gratitude
continue with your self-improvement
try some healthy attitudes
while you stomp on the only people
who care
I won't be here next time
when you need to share
your thoughts or feelings
I'll nod politely and listen here and there
but next time you need
to feed
your wants
YOUR desires
by something I have
I'll do as you do
and take
and say get a clue
while silently thinking *******

people never care
but always say they do
everyone thinks about themselves
their priorities racked up on shelves
I'm on the ground
sounds echoing around my lifeless figure
like poor raggedy ann
i cannot stand

i'm motionless and lie there
robotic expression, stitched smile that's fixed
but my emotions are mixed
their erosion eluding to my mind's disintegration
the segregation between mind and body
so pronounced.
thoughts constantly bounce about
while i lay helpless without direction
intermittent reflection
due to others deception
i wish i could perform inception
plant ideas in their heads
setting the seed, of not greed but the idea of needing ME;
it sets me free.

raggedy ann's legs seem to gain strength
she stands on command
and finally sees the only thing she needs
is the courage in herself to keep her up right
the insecurities and disappointments shut tight inside raggedy anndora's box
not to be opened
she stands tall even on the floor
takes a step ready to unfurl
what's yet to be discovered and take on the world.

Wey, wey went the Willow
Woo, woo went the Wind
Say, say said the Swallow

Mother Earth took a breathe
And her core's heartbeat
Shut the Swallow up
For they All in Silence, Speak.

The banging sounds
seem to drown
out my thoughts
ricocheting back, a rebound
but amounting to nothing
disappearing like a person fearing
the truth.

It's unruly and forever fooling
the gullible and trustworthy
but surely they don't believe the lies
that people can change
but rather re-arrange
and it's strange
how time can fly
but I can't.
my imagination soaring
yet here I stand.

Man is my head spinning,
the thought of winning this race
against time and space,
defying physics
to try and mimic
a picture so perfect it's a vivid vision
but there's a division, a collision
where my desires are tired and sick of reality
clashing with their limits
that bind us all
until we're blind and we fall.

If only I could make myself fly
like my mind or time
whizz by in the blink of an eye
and hope to find
the peace and ease I seek in life,
with no banging sounds causing me strife.

I want to write for hours
but I know not of what.
Not of nightingales and blooming flowers,
but this state I'm in, this rut.

Who could leave these scars upon me thus?
scrapes, bruises, scratches and pus...
Not you, not them, nor them all
I am the reason for my own fall.

Grey matter
Sledge hammer
Take the latter
To the former
Find the edge of
Non-existent borders
Til they break
What's at stake
Who knows...
it's all grey.

Of all the things I truly must be
a sad but perky Poet
defines me primarily.

I'm happy, I'm sad,
don't know which way is up.
I walk through darkness,
with a light-filled cup.

There once was a time
I had a head and a heart
But no mind
No line
That was drawn
To protect me
From love.
From fear.

Consumed,
I wait in the grainy Fog.
It settles on my nose
Eyelashes,
Ears.

The fear is silent
Yet so loud
I cant help but scream
To overcome it.

Weary
Of this love
I want to shove it
Away

Now what do I say
To my dear friend,
My Love,
Who no longer sees me the same way?

Yet still wants to be close to me,
Pulls for me.
Calls to me.

Alas, all I see
Hear
Smell
is Fog.
Well
where is this
Hell
of a line now?

How
Do I tell
What I need.
Do I feed my heart or my mind
Do what I need, and draw this line?
Or what I want, and indulge?

The fog remains
As a stain.
The answer, I cannot find.

Nobody falls for you,
you only fall for yourself
Your head stuck on a shelf
Nothing but your ego left to sell

But you couldnt let it go
This hell is already here and melded
Manipulation and consideration-
All a grey shield

Its already been welded.
No space for
Me.