Oh how my heart grows fond
Oh how it wrecks my every bond

It fails my lungs
It endorses my wrongs
It drowns my heart
Pulling my limps apart

Ohh, how it closes all doors
And so much more

This sickening melancholy
This universal unholy
Attached itself to my brain
Tries to prove myself insane

Oh how it makes me want to go berserk
Puts my mind out of lurk

Ripping all ties to pieces
Figuring it'll bring me to peace

Oh but all it does is spread
All corners of my soul blue or red
Oh how it ruins me
Foregoing all the good I was supposed to be

Oh how this loneliness is addicting
This melancholy is growing
This bittersweet agony
This sweetbitter happy

Is it me?
Or
It is it apart of me?

I wonder
Oh how I wonder

-fir.m

What does it take to be good enough?

Anybody?


I'm so tired of not being good enough..
Tired tired tired..  😭

All my love were lost on you.
Magnificent are your shades of blue,
My shades of black are beautiful too,
Its all so pretty yet you have no clue.

-fir.m

My mind wants you to go
But my heart stooped too low
It wants you clenched in the fists of unbidden desires
But your patience slowly expired
You said Goodbye
And in ignorance I ****** my tears dry
I didn't attempt to stop you
You didn't turn around to meet my view

    What was that bittersweet agony?
That buried into my head; your melodies
Your unsought words drowns me in an ocean-less pit...
As I walked the lanes where to you I became whit
I reminisce on the first word you ever said to me
And compared it to the last and undoubtedly
They sounded the same...

   Unsure if you ever did love me at all
I try to **** your memories growing tall
With bursting flames
Seaming through my veins
I dig a grave for your souvenirs
And slowly peer at the dirt; reincarnating my tears
Did i do the right thing?
For the pain of being without, stings
Like snowflakes against zinc

But then what if it is for the better?
Somewhat like an investment letter
Where I forego you for something prettier to come
or not?
Who knows?

-fir.m

I basket-ed my wounds
With the sole purpose of still being your friend
But all it did was made me feel swooned
Only hoping that this torture would end
As every second passes by; seeing you with her
My heart aches with profound jealousy
Why can't I stop loving further?
For this pain takes me day by day breathlessly...
Every image of you etches in my mind; sealed
I imagine your words to her being sweeter than wine...
I just wish that the devil was real
So i could purchase your love with mine

-fir.m

Being over driven by youthful desires
She fell asleep with her tears on fire
Will she live to tell another tale of heartbreak?
Will she live to see through the fake?
Who knows?
Her heart, unfortunately, grows
Her blood oozing out of her wrists
Her dreams became brutal from being bliss
"Why was I so stupid?" she sleep-talks
"Someone, please pull that trigger!" she sleep-walks

The anxiety for morning to reach died
The thought of a future became pesticide
For the only future she knew was with him..
The blade made love to her from her shoulders down to her limbs
Until there was no more pleasure to escape through her veins, through her skin
She lost... But what did he win?
Nothing but absolute guilt, at her funeral, where he looked above
And only remembered her sweet gesture of; "Give me Love"

-fir.m

Now i'm wearing this smile that i don't believe in
And inside i feel like screaming
     I had options;
     You were my chance to completion
     And when you leaned close to kiss me
     There was drowning melancholy
     But I kissed my fears; instead of you
And now towards me you've grown blue.
Eventually my heart gone sore
And i'm drowning in a water-less floor
It hurts to acknowledge the feelings that I hide
Fearing that destiny would not abide
It's not your fault, i swear
It might just be too hard to bear..
For who would truly love a girl with all these scars?

-fir.m

Your aura breathed blue
My aura breathed red
Your blue breathed my aura confused
My fierce red tried hard to refuse
But your colour seemed too beautiful
Your toxic air swam too plentiful
And my red fell into something weird
A pit that left my fiery colour smeared

Your colour densely mixed with mine
The thickness of such fog left me blind
And while i was slipping into a vibrant purple
I forgot that we were but weak mortals
My red was colliding with your blue
And i was happy
But then you decided,
that purple wasn't the colour for you

-fir.m

What are we worth?
See the thing is,
      We have none.

-fir.m

He said that he would love to have me around

Only if when I touch him, I didn't tear him down

Only if when I'm with him, I didn't make him reach the ground

Only if when I call him, he didn't feel compelled to respond

Only if when I love him, I didn't bruise him with my tongue

Only if just only if, this list didn't go on and on and on

-fir.m

The year of the downfall
The year of the broken
The month when every human built walls
The month when returned with pride every token
The week of the undying lust
The week of the of the pardons of the unjust
The day the skyscrapers fell
The day the dirt started to rot
The hour of the broken majestic bell
The hour of your first cut
The moment of truth
The moment of dead roots

Those are nothing,
Nothing,
Compared to
     That moment I lost you.  ~~

-fir.m

This world is a very wicked place
Made so by nasty and wretched people
But it is kept so by the quiet and frail ones.

-fir.m

You're* the shell I once kept safe
Now carefully shoved away

You're the song I once loved
Now deleted for it caused boredom

You're the book I once read over and over and over
Now easily packed on the shelf

You're the food I once stored to eat
Now decomposed in the trash long gone to the heap

You're the flower I once nurtured
Now dying without a drought

You're the candle I've always kept lit
Now the flames put out.

You were the one always on my mind
Yet after so much, still on my mind.

-fir.m

This heart of mine
Beats rapidly with time
But with every beat
I forget to read
To count and check
The luck I wreck
With every thought
Over-thought
With Every pain held
Tremendously Over-felt
With every love broken
Abrupt agony's awoken

But now I'll try
Cause there's a reason why
Why that heart still beats
And why pain repeats

To form a strong soul
To help mend and mold
A mind so withstanding
A persona so outstanding

To help write a story
With so much fricking glory

-fir.m

I don't have any friends
I say im good with people
Always abled to communicate trends
You know, the stuff that's hardly lethal
But what about the stuff that matters really?
See I'm profoundly too scared
I can't express my emotions freely
Not matter how hard I try, I'll always use a laugh emoji or smirk and say I'm alright
But the thing is, I'm not
And I don't know if I'll ever be
And I don't know if I'll ever let them see
Hellopoetry is my salvation,
When I call my friends to tell them I'm hurting in portions
I can't, I pretend to laugh when they enquire
But cry so hard inside to my desires
I ask about  their wellbeing and as usual,
I try to be their salvation.
But right now
I'm tired
There's a growing lump in my throat
Or in my chest,
I don't even know
But it hurts so much
That I'm naturally tired
Just too tired to be alive

-fir.m

There's nothing pretty about a girl that is 100 pounds overweight.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has 15 different skin tones.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has faint eyes coloured dark with insomnia.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has thin lips barely matching the size of the doubled chins.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has fat cheeks hiding her faint eyes from the world.

There's nothing pretty about girl that has a  neck covered in fat and hidden by the weight of the chins.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has ******* smaller than the belly it resides above.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has belly enough to cover the scope of her womanhood.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has thighs that rubs together hiding scopes of her womanhood.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has a camera that dulls and fades the blemishes and extra chins away.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has pictures of herself resonating on her social medias but not looking like herself.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that hasn't accepted that there's nothing pretty about her.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has.................

There's nothing pretty about me.

-fir.m

the devil you found in your lover
ruined the angel in your reins
he made you wish life were never  
and made you one with pain;
into one cold heart *******

-fir.m

Inseparably attached
Hopelessly apart
Many oceans away
But we carried one heart

The emotions I feel
As I think of you
A smile or a tear
I wonder which is true.

I never touched your hand
Or called your name aloud
Yet I have no doubt
About finding you in a crowd

The words of love you give
And bits of truth you share
Are the only things that help
This distance life's given me to bear

I try to be so strong
But I am brought to my knees
By the miles that separate us
To create our love's complexities

-fir.m

Someone just told me that
I try too hard
But I don't know how i should react
Should I be upset or proud?

See I know only of one thing worse than trying too hard
And that's not trying at all...

fir-m

Sometimes i wonder what happened to us,
And it's so ironic,
'Cause i am the one always saying
And preaching about how
Inevitable change is..

Not that i was unrealistic,
It's just that
you're one change
One change
i hoped wouldn't happen..

-fir.m

I am noise, I am flame,
I am fury, unbound pain.
Rage and storm, blood and fire,
I am chaos, raw desire.

I am wonder, I am strife,
The raw, unyielding pulse of life.
I am art in its truest form,
Brilliant, fierce, a cosmos reborn.

-fir.m

Stifling from the fallen Grace
You've loved,
You've lost.
Unbidden promises,
the ones that annihilated
What was known as love,
What was known as caring,
What was known as selflessness.
But why?
Are they the ones you keep safe
In your ******* soul
Filled with anger,
Frustration.
Those are the promises that is meant to be forgotten,
Yet you hold them captive,
Reasons?
I shall never know..
Will you ever let me know?

-F.M

my heart is not fragile
yet when im with you im agile
without you im not worthwhile

my words hardly stumble when i talk
but with you im even shaken when i walk
without you i gawk to find you like a hawk

my vision not too clear, can hardly tell things apart
however with you i see all with my heart
without you im barely even smart

i know not spanish dutch or french
but with you all love songs are sensed
without you all are stentch

with you all things beautiful
without you all things pitiful

i like things beautiful

       lets keep them beautiful.

-fir.m

There's something wrong with my smile
I don't know if anyone else sees it
But i have been going through my pictures
And for the longest while
There has been something wrong with my smile

I remember the pictures of colgate ad worthy
And i see now pictures of nothing happy worthy
There's something wrong with my smile
That good jest of good riddance
That warm comfort, that warm trans
What is wrong with my smile?

-to be continued-

-fir.m

this magic spell you cast
is making me see rainbows when i cry
and roses blooming when i bleed

-fir.m

because nothing makes me happier



      and nothing makes me sadder

than you

-fir.m

My eyes are burning
From the hot embers
Within my scorching brain
Or my heart, or my soul....

Just, my eyes are burning
With the corrosive emotions
Found within my still heart
Or my brain, or my soul....

Just, my eyes are burning
For it's freedom,
Captive by society
And what's "right"...

Just my eyes are burning
To actually be burnt
Burnt away from existence....

Just my eyes are ....

-fir.m

I have a problem
I hope you're not
Too fed up with me
And my never ending
Sadness and self loathe

But I have a problem
Not with anyone else
Or anything
But with myself

You see mirrors
Aren't my problem
What I see
When I walk pass is

I'm not talking about
The fatness and the
Unattractiveness
I'm talking about what
I really see, everytime
I walk pass a mirror

I have a horrible problem
I hate the person I see
I am disgusted with
The soul I see
I am disappointed with
The ******* human
I see.

I have a ******* problem
I am my own *******
problem
I hate myself way more
Than anyone else can...

-fir.m

Sanity lurks within the insane
Feeling sunshine in the rain
Lost, but in the right place
Each raindrop echoes your face
Dreaming, but wide awake
Will go breathless in your sake

Soaring in the depts of madness
They say I'm in love
What is this happiness?
It's an alien feeling, it's mauve
An uncertain colour, beautifully pale
Like the death your eyes prevail.

Your words make me fly
In this weary ****** up sky.
Your 49 shades of blue  
I gracefully try to woo.
Your eyes, I crazily admire
Baby, you're everything I desire.

Come to my depths soon
Touch my soul, make me bloom

-fir.m

I've lost my father more than a year ago
It should be enough time to mourn, no?

I loved him with all my heart
And just like that he was taken out of
The only realities I've ever known

Yes, death is indeed inevitable
But is it fair to make us love something so ever dearly
To just rip it out of our grasp
In such short notice and in such swift torment

I loved him with all my heart
And my eyes will never shed enough tears
For a man that created a spectacle of all the other men
that had, has and will ever enter my life
And I'm unable to show my mother
This pain I feel

She's sitting in her room listening to the old
Warmth and lovingness in Michael Bolton's voice
As she cries to her heart's content and
She reminisces all the glorious times they've had
Ignorant to how I'd feel hearing the agony in her throat

I loved him with all my heart
To be selfish and to be selfless at the same time

And I love her with all my heart
To let her see the strongest and the most resilient
Version of her daughter

-fir.m

I remember when I was the girl running in everyone's inbox everytime something went sour with them.
I remember when I talked with both parties of friendships or any other relationship and translated how they actually felt because they were too upset to actually hear each other out.
I remember still being constantly behind them even though they clearly didnt want me there.
I remember throwing concern all over the place trying to fix everything that went wrong simply because I don't like things going wrong.
I remember forcing people to breathe each other's air because they were too fixated in breaking something that was once good.
I remember crying with them when their hearts broke every single time, even though I kept advising them ways to avoid that pain.
I remember being too nice to people that I knew were taking advantage of me.
I remember putting my own lovelies and my own families behind to solve the trigonometries of people's lives.
I remember no one holding my head up on days that built a mountain on my back.
I remember being selfish because I wanted someone to hug me when I cried.
I remember being a bad daughter because I didn't get the bread she asked me for and because my boring depressing excuse couldn't quite cut it.
I remember telling people to no longer tell me about their issues if they weren't going to take my advise when I give them and I remember holding those same people together despite of them being stupidly stubborn.
I remember being left out on several occasions because I just didn't suit the crowd and because I am too much.
I remember never being too much and I remember becoming too much to fix the awkwardness in any air.
I remember making myself the fool to raise another person's soul.
I remember remaining the fool because that's just how everyone else began to see me.
How do i revert to being the girl who was outcasted for years because she didn't share everyone else's opinion to being the girl that suppressed hers just to feel some sort of acceptance?
I remember being called a ***** because I supported someone else's choice to follow her heart rather than to be stuck in a relationship that only made her insides crumble by every second.
I remember when they said I didn't love my father because I refused to bawl at his funeral.
I remember being by his side all the nights he was in pain for years to and from three different hospitals with little to no sleep and still make it to work in the morning.
I remember how my brother told him that he hated him and how much it broke my heart to see his heart broken.
I remember always being left last because I wasn't old enough to know yet always being left to do things on my own because I was smart to enough to go complete all the legal requirements for certain necessities.
I remember being silenced of everything I believed and loved and felt because I was too young and I was too naive.
I remember loving someone to the point where I erased my value from this earth.
I remember being cheated one over and over and over again and I remember staying and I remember all the promises and I remember all the times those promised meant less and I remember the time when it meant nothing.
I remember being used for *** umpteen times but the one time I wanted a friend with benefits relationship it made me a ****.
I remember being told that I was too much and that I wasn't enough, confusing right?
I remember moving with everyday performing my daily duty of being a girl who understood, felt, compromised, laughed, made jokes, talked and talked and talked.

I remember how it felt to put everything behind me just to live a normal, socially accepted and "mature" life. And now they dare ask me to feel? They dare ask me to understand? They dare ask me to put myself in their position? They dare ask me to allow myself to be loved? They dare ask me too much ****. And they also dare ask me how do i do it?

-fir.m

I stand amidst chaos, lost in the haze,
Reaching for you, but your gaze never strays.
The one I once sought, my refuge, my guide,
Is no longer waiting where hope used to reside.

You, my constant in a world so unkind,
Now absent, like others who’ve left me behind.
Perhaps you've surrendered, as they all have too,
Given up on the soul you once held true.

So now, I'll play the role they’ve designed,
Proving them right with the scars in my mind.

No, I haven't abandoned the fight within me,
I’ve merely become what they forced me to be:
Friendless, loveless, and cold as the stone,
A shadow that lingers, lifeless, alone.

-fir.m