So many chemicals
Float around in the brain
I guess mine weren't right
Caused too much pain

They didn't care
I was in a good home
Going to church
Having things of my own

My life wasn't perfect
My parents would fight
But that doesn't explain
So much crying at night

I never did drugs
Drank, skipped class,
Failed tests, was bullied,
Or was harassed

On the surface
I appeared to be perfect
But I was always a storm
That you'd never detect

The chemicals which
Decide state of mind
Don't give a ****

I see You here
While I am hurting
While I am growing
While I am learning
I find You here

I saw you in the trees
Growing tall and elegant
I saw you in the mountains
Majestic and powerful
Creation testifying

You reminded me
That I do not walk through
All this darkness
Alone
Helpless

Rather
You walk beside me
In me
Around me
Covering me

You are my protector
You are my safety
You are my solace
You are my value
You are here

tw self harm




I love how the lines look...
Graceful, delicate little things
Running my fingers over them
To prove to myself they’re real

I look damaged...
I look like I’m in pain
Struggling
Suffering
Hurting
Dying...
The lines look like they belong...

But what a neat little trick
To tuck them beneath my watchband
Turn on a smile
And everything’s just fine

Anything
Anything at all
To feel something
Anything at all...
I’ll compromise myself
My morals, my heart, my body
I don’t really care
I just... I just want to feel something
Anything

It’s a new day outside
I feel it within
Thick darkness fading slightly
Turning a bit more grey
From the gentle touch of light
I’m fighting
I can feel it

Everything used to be so clear...
Don't lie, cheat, steal, injure, hate...
Do the dishes when you're told
Go fold the laundry
But when did being "good"
Become so complicated?
When did that voice appear
That taunts me to sin
Even when I know the consequences
I can't always tell wants from needs
The lines are so fuzzy...
So I live in no man's land
Sometimes even stepping over
Clearly crossing lines
Just to test it...
But I thought I knew
I thought I was good
Why am I so dark inside?
And why do I like it...?

I just took so many drugs
I hope they make me ill
I hope they make me sleep
Just... just let me drift away
I’ll be someone else
She said I could take another...
Why do want to keep taking more...

Why are you so sad, dear?
What burdens tug on your heart?
Draw tears from your kind eyes...

STOP
NO!!!!

Why are you aching?
I can feel it in my soul

YOU KNOW NOTHING OF ME

You’re not well, my love

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!!!!!

Come here
I’ll hold you for a bit

GET AWAY

Wrap you in a warm embrace
Feel the consistency of my heart
Feel the strength in my arms

I DON’T WANT YOUR AFFECTION
I DON’T DESERVE IT
YOU WRAP ME IN YOUR

HIDEOUS

PITY

Let me carry it all for a stretch
You don’t have to do it all alone

OF COURSE I DO
YOU KNOW I DO
I AALLWWAAYYSS DO

Though I know you can, my warrior

YOU IDIOT!

But I can't watch you do this
Destroy yourself

WHY THE HELL NOT???

Slowly, subtly
I've noticed

DEAR, I WANT THIS!
LET ME GO

And it makes me very afraid

STOP PRETENDING YOU CARE
I KNOW BETTER

Despite what you believe, darling
You are really quite lovely

YOU BREATHE LIES

Your presence a treasure

STOP. NOW.

You are exquisite

YOU ******* LIAR

Sweetheart, just rest for a bit
Can you do that for me?

NO. I DON’T WANT REST

I WANT TO

BURN!!!

Sit with me
Tell me everything on your mind
Release every tear you've been hiding
I'll just listen
I'll just be here with you
Until you're alright

YOU FOOL
I HAVE NO PLANS
TO EVER REACH
“ALRIGHT”

I go about my day
Through the motions I make my way
Until I get a familiar feeling
That always sends me reeling
I need another fix of my drug
These words that I debug
Poetry can be addicting
But never, ever feels constricting
Within these words I soar
Leaving me begging for more
Don't leave me feeling low
Give me my vertigo
That only poems can offer
From you, my gorgeous author

These songs feel so familiar
These songs feel like death
I remember when I listened before
What they meant to me then
On nights covered in blood
From dozens of self-inflicted wounds
Depression a heavy fog in my head
Suicide in every thought
When my body felt foreign and strange
Nothing mattered
I just wanted it all to end....

So why... why do these songs...
They bring me comfort
I feel safe in their embrace

Perhaps I finally feel heard
I’ve acknowledged what I’ve felt
Accepted its existence
And I feel a bit more welcome
Living in my own mind

Or perhaps... it’s all happening over again

tw self harm



I want to take the blade to my wrist again
I’ve been... I’ve been doing so well...
But something in my heart
In my stomach, in my chest
Something in my mind isn’t right
I really need someone to take care of me
So... I guess this is it...
Taking the blade to my wrist again
Just so I can bandage it
Because I know
No one else will

A year ago...
When life was unbearable
I prayed so long and hard
For God’s peace
Which surpasses understanding
To fill me
To calm me
To steady me
So I could think
So I could breathe
So I could eat
Ending the compulsions
Ending the panic
Ending the dread
And he answered
After I took a step forward
But now I’m not sure
If I’m filled with
The peace of God
Or the peace of paroxetine
Or perhaps... both?

If you all would just leave me alone
Just give me the bottles
You know you won’t drink them anyway
Let me lock myself away
To be drunk and maybe suffer a little less
I’ll promise not to die
I just.... I just really need to not be sober right now

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


If she drives the blade deep enough
Will it fix her?
As crimson pours out of her skin
Slowly seeping out
She feels... relief
finally... relief...
Like releasing her life force
Setting herself free
She watches as the blade moves
Allowing it to do what it will
It doesn't matter anymore
If it eases her hell... it'll do
Each stroke more desperate than the last
A need to feel
So she digs it in deeper
She draws it out longer

And, as always,
There's this thought
That one so terrible she tries to ignore
The thought.... to make it fatal

On the ****** battlefield she stands
She can’t feel her wounds anymore
Pain so intolerable she’s gone numb
Her shield shattered
Sword too heavy for her fatigued limbs

To take a step forward
She musters all her strength
Then falls to her knees
The shield slides from her arm

Her hand can no longer grasp the sword
And allows the blade to fall beside her
Where she lies
Weak, helpless

Her strength fails her
And weaker and weaker
Her heartbeat grows
Waiting to stop
Eagerly anticipating
That one last breath

What am I doing
To myself?
I know it’ll hurt
I know it’s bad
I anticipate pain
Then I proceed!
What is this madness?
Why am I like this?

I meditate on my pain
Simmer in my failure
Drink in my sickness
Torture myself with memories
Until I smile
Because I did it
I made myself feel something
Finally

How curious...
You’re rather intriguing
So kind and so wild
Gentle and loud
You hold little back
I can see you clearly
Flaws and all
And my... how respectful...

But what makes you so...

Unique

Is this:

You listen

You hear my self-deprecation

You notice when I don’t take care

You make me laugh
Really, truly laugh like none other

I’m happy with you

You see me.

You’re just so... good.

I stand next to you
And I just want you to hold me
I can nearly feel your warmth


But alas...
Though you’re quite kind
You’ll never want me
Not like that

So, why are you still in my head?

I;ve done it
escaped
from that ******* hell i''ve been livng in
can't ******* think striaght
but i don;t feel the pain
I can dance and be free
and just not give a ****
hahahahaha I WIN

I am my own worst enemy
I want to blame it on something else
Blame my parents
Blame my school
Blame my brain chemistry
Blame the universe
Blame the demons
Blame God...
But honestly...
It’s me.
Something within
Wants to rebel from goodness
Wants to feel the thrill of pain
The pleasure of sin
And I know it’ll be my end
But I hardly care...
I’m always at war with myself
Because in the quiet of night
It becomes so very clear
I am my own worst enemy

Is destruction really so bad?
I mean
You can't build until
You've destroyed
Whatever was there
And maybe
What I am
Needs to be rebuilt
Maybe I need to face
My destruction
So that I can come back
Or maybe it's just
An excuse
To give in
And destroy myself

please just don’t leave me alone
that’s when they come for me
monsters, demons
dark shadows from the abyss
my smile melts away....

when i’m alone
i have to face them, fight them
i struggle for my every breath
for they all want me dead

i’ll do what it takes to distract myself
tricks, games, sabotage
anything
i’m so **** desperate
i’m weary
i’m weary

CAN’T YOU SEE I’M WEARY

i’m suffering alone
grasping blindly in the dark
for anything
to take my mind off it...

My darling...
Come here, would you?
Let me wrap you in my embrace
Breathe deeply, slowly
Maybe gently press our lips together
For a long moment

Come sit with me, Sweetheart
I’ll throw my arms around you
My head on your chest
Your head on mine
Sharing a pulse

Now, what if we lay
Nothing too comprising
Just be there together
Feel each other’s presence
Each other’s vitality
Your breath on my neck
Hands around my waist

I’d feel safe there
In your presence
Your strong arms
Your loving touch
My heart cries
My being longs
To be together

a year lost
stolen
taken from me
and now
a year later
i'm still recovering....

i took a few brave steps
to drag myself out
of the hurricane in my head
i was so ruled by fear...
but i conquered it

and as a reward
a few months of bliss
emotions soared high
i could've done anything
on top of the world

but eventually i adjusted
stabilized
then started dropping off
going numb
feeling cold

i was convinced nothing mattered
haunted and plagued by the past
depression took root
everything was wrong
i'd flatlined

to pull myself back
towards reality
i've been searching
for pleasure, pain
anything

i'm reckless
i'm destructive
I just want to feel
Feel my pulse, my breath
Feel the bliss, the wounds
Everything. All of it.
I desperately seek a reminder
I'm trying to wake myself from this nightmare
Jar myself into reality
Because I keep finding myself questioning
If I'm even still alive...?

trigger warning: idk blood


i must be losing my mind

sitting here staring at the blood on my wrist
man... it's all over my wrist....
i could do more... but i ought to stop

but here i am...
just looking at it...
laughing...

i've found myself
in some delirious place
where the pain... it's funny
'cause there's so much
it's so ******* bad...
all i can do
is laugh
and bleed
and cry

You want nothing more
Than to be a good mom
To see me succeed
To see me happy
To have me love you

But you’re not
We’re so far past that now
You can’t make up for your mistakes
I can’t thank you for an existence I don’t want

I love you
But you’re not a good mom
You’re just my mother

I thought I wanted
To numb the pain
But I was wrong
I can’t feel anything
No desire to live
No desire to die
No desire at all
I can’t feel
And it’s so much worse
Than feeling pain
Every breath is forced
Every heartbeat plain
This isn’t right
Something’s wrong
With me
And that fear
Is the only thing
That I can feel
So I savor it
So I stimulate it
So I simulate it
Amidst the emptiness
Of existence

What happened to me?
I used to care
About absolutely everything
I'd weep with my sister
I'd make sure I always did my work
I was never late
And it mattered to me
But now,
These things don't seem to matter
In my head, I know what they are
I know how I ought to react
And then I find myself
Utterly blank
I just don't care
Did I realize what was trivial?
Or did I lose some of myself?
I truly can't tell.

What is this?
It's not Heaven
It's not Hell
Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes it heals
It's this middle place
Where we feel everything
Some days it's Heaven
Some days it's Hell
I just wish
It could make up its mind
Because on Hell days
Weeks, months, years
The hope of just one Heaven day
Is too much to bear

Why does everyone try to
"Not upset" me?
What the hell?
What's wrong with being upset?
If I don't hurt,
How do you ever expect me
To deal with it?
To learn from it?
To grow as a person?
I know you're trying to protect me,
But here's the thing:
STOP
I'm a big girl
I can deal with it
It's really okay
I know how to cry.

Please let me hurt
Let me grieve for myself
All of me I had to release
I know I'm supposed to smile
But I don't want to anymore
I need to cry
But I don't remember how
I need to hurt
Because it is after
I've mourned my losses
That I can move forward
That I can change
That I can improve
And when I'm finished
I'll be beautiful
So, please
Just let me feel this

You see,
I know I must be something truly awful
Because I’m not sorry for what I did
I’m sorry I got caught
And that’s how I’ve always been

I don’t feel it much
But when I place my hand
On my bed
And my puppy
Sleepy, fluffy, innocent
Curls up around it
She passes on to me
A bit of her tranquility

Perhaps rules really were
Meant to be broken
Checkpoints, goals, objectives
You’re developed, you’re grown
When you’ve learned the secret
That rules weren’t intended to be followed
Not precisely, for certain
Everyone at some point must learn
To bend the rules

So... what does that make me?
The respecter of rules.
I did everything you asked
I took all the precautions
Memorized the guidelines
Never broke a rule

Am I... am I to be broken in their place?

Lull me to sleep
Make me drowsy
Sedate me
I want to feel my limbs relax
My breaths grow slow and even
Heart rate dropping slightly
Fill my eyelids with lead
Induce a deep slumber
To quiet the noise
The turmoil in my mind
Take from me my consciousness
I desperately need
To rid myself of it

I’m angry with love
I thought I’d finally found it
Even with red flags in the air

I’d gone so long
Wondering if I could be loved
Needing to be loved
And I... I was so desperate
To mistake the mess that I’d made
For love

I just... I needed it...
I wanted it so badly...
That when I saw a chance
For any real kind of connection
I threw everything I had at it
I barreled past the warning signs
And all the caution tape
For that chance
That impossible chance



And it broke me.

You wanted me to “feel better”
I do feel better
After popping a few pills
It’s not Xanax, but it’ll do
I feel it slowing me down...
My eyelids grow heavy......
Why am I always wondering
What’s my limit?
What happens if I take a few more....?
I know... I know I just want to abuse something
And if it’s myself, even better

There’s something there
Lurking in the depths of my mind
Feeding me lies
Poisoning my heart
It makes me grow weak
I stagger through my days
My mind a jumble
Memory a blur
I can’t tell
If I’m even myself
When it twists my thoughts
Warps my emotions
Am I numb?
Do I want to be?
I don’t know what’s true
Except that I’m sure
There’s something there
Lurking inside.