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259 · Feb 2020
Insignia of the Anguished
Empire Feb 2020
Congrats.
You’ve done it.
You know that scar isn’t going to heal.
You went too deep.
You lost control.
You’ll have to live with that.
You now bear the insignia
Of the anguished.
The wound has healed but the scars remain.... I knew this time I’d gone too far.
I don’t even want to try and count how many now are permanent....
259 · Dec 2019
Fleeting Hope
Empire Dec 2019
I can live in darkness
Let my neurochemistry be
Cold, sad, anxious
Craving death to escape
Anything at all to escape...

Or, I can take more pills
Feel nothing at all
Just be low
Want to sleep
Too numb to care
So distant they all notice

But why... why is it looking
Like there’s no medium for me
I don’t get to be happy
Happiness is a lie
It’s a fantasy
A fable
So we hold out hope
That life will get better
Even as we watch ourselves burning
Our fortresses crumbling
Gardens wilting
Bodies dying
...

Things only get worse
But that bizarre human hope
It pushes us onward
To believe in better days
Though it would seem
That kind of hope
Has fled from me
I don’t believe in better days anymore. I’m not sure I want to see any more days at all....
259 · Apr 2019
The Place in Between
Empire Apr 2019
What is this?
It's not Heaven
It's not Hell
Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes it heals
It's this middle place
Where we feel everything
Some days it's Heaven
Some days it's Hell
I just wish
It could make up its mind
Because on Hell days
Weeks, months, years
The hope of just one Heaven day
Is too much to bear
259 · Oct 2020
Decay
Empire Oct 2020
Why does everything decay and fade?
Time touches everything,
A great destructive force
We exist to wither and watch everything fall
Bringing close to our hearts that which will die
We try so hard to create as much life as is lost
But once it is lost, it will not again be found
So we cry and ache and scream out
With a hope that maybe something will hear
And tell us why it is that we must live
Just to watch the world decay
259 · Jun 2019
Morality
Empire Jun 2019
Everything used to be so clear...
Don't lie, cheat, steal, injure, hate...
Do the dishes when you're told
Go fold the laundry
But when did being "good"
Become so complicated?
When did that voice appear
That taunts me to sin
Even when I know the consequences
I can't always tell wants from needs
The lines are so fuzzy...
So I live in no man's land
Sometimes even stepping over
Clearly crossing lines
Just to test it...
But I thought I knew
I thought I was good
Why am I so dark inside?
And why do I like it...?
257 · Aug 2019
Together
Empire Aug 2019
My darling...
Come here, would you?
Let me wrap you in my embrace
Breathe deeply, slowly
Maybe gently press our lips together
For a long moment

Come sit with me, Sweetheart
I’ll throw my arms around you
My head on your chest
Your head on mine
Sharing a pulse

Now, what if we lay
Nothing too comprising
Just be there together
Feel each other’s presence
Each other’s vitality
Your breath on my neck
Hands around my waist

I’d feel safe there
In your presence
Your strong arms
Your loving touch
My heart cries
My being longs
To be together
Feeling a deep and nagging sense of loneliness... but wouldn’t it just be lovely.....
256 · May 2019
I'll be Beautiful
Empire May 2019
Please let me hurt
Let me grieve for myself
All of me I had to release
I know I'm supposed to smile
But I don't want to anymore
I need to cry
But I don't remember how
I need to hurt
Because it is after
I've mourned my losses
That I can move forward
That I can change
That I can improve
And when I'm finished
I'll be beautiful
So, please
Just let me feel this
It's really okay to feel pain.
256 · May 2019
Adrift
Empire May 2019
Find me a drug
To end this mundanity
I was so **** low
Until I started those pills
Then I swung up so high
Even this sad life I live
Felt exquisite
Everything was exciting
It all made me smile
It was probably fake
But I don’t really care
Because now I’m fine
And that’s the problem
I can’t stand “fine”
I’m adrift in reality
And frankly
I’m not a fan
Ironic that the best high I’ve ever had was from a bottle with my name printed on it...
256 · Jul 2019
Neurotic Lullaby
Empire Jul 2019
Lull me to sleep
Make me drowsy
Sedate me
I want to feel my limbs relax
My breaths grow slow and even
Heart rate dropping slightly
Fill my eyelids with lead
Induce a deep slumber
To quiet the noise
The turmoil in my mind
Take from me my consciousness
I desperately need
To rid myself of it
256 · Mar 2019
Comfort
Empire Mar 2019
I don’t feel it much
But when I place my hand
On my bed
And my puppy
Sleepy, fluffy, innocent
Curls up around it
She passes on to me
A bit of her tranquility
I think I need a cup of tea
254 · Dec 2019
I'm Alone
Empire Dec 2019
You're all going to leave me, aren't you...
I see now...
I can't get close...
I can't feel safe...
Because they'll always leave me
Every time
As soon as I feel really secure
They'll be ripped away
I just don't... I don't get it....

I JUST NEED EVERYTHING TO

STOP

MOVING


Just... just for a moment
I've got to get my bearings
But I'm just...

I'm alone
254 · May 2019
Angry Music
Empire May 2019
I love my "angry music"
As she puts it
Because it's so real
It sounds like my soul
This swelling, aching, groaning
The crunch in the guitar
Dark and powerful
A strong drumbeat
Killer bass
And lyrics that could make you weep
Or just want to scream
Something that hits you in the gut
And you contemplate
What they could mean
Every time it's deeper
It's better
And always
I play it louder
253 · Jun 2019
Insanity
Empire Jun 2019
In a moment of clarity
I knew
I was nearing insanity
252 · Jan 2020
Destruction
Empire Jan 2020
There’s so much destruction in me
I’d like to make progress
I’d like to try and get clean
Just so it’ll feel worse
When I fall back into my habit
It’ll feel a lot better if you can hold off a little longer.....
251 · Mar 2020
I Feel Sick
Empire Mar 2020
Depression crawls into my head
I try to lie down
To quiet the chaos
It gets louder
Demanding to be noticed
My stomach turns
My head aches
My hand reaches for the blade....
I don’t want new scars
I do not want new scars
I DO NOT
251 · Sep 2019
Intrigue
Empire Sep 2019
How curious...
You’re rather intriguing
So kind and so wild
Gentle and loud
You hold little back
I can see you clearly
Flaws and all
And my... how respectful...

But what makes you so...

Unique

Is this:

You listen

You hear my self-deprecation

You notice when I don’t take care

You make me laugh
Really, truly laugh like none other

I’m happy with you

You see me.

You’re just so... good.

I stand next to you
And I just want you to hold me
I can nearly feel your warmth


But alas...
Though you’re quite kind
You’ll never want me
Not like that

So, why are you still in my head?
Perhaps I’ve been so cold so long I just need a bit of warmth. Any warmth at all...
251 · Jun 2019
Enemy
Empire Jun 2019
I am my own worst enemy
I want to blame it on something else
Blame my parents
Blame my school
Blame my brain chemistry
Blame the universe
Blame the demons
Blame God...
But honestly...
It’s me.
Something within
Wants to rebel from goodness
Wants to feel the thrill of pain
The pleasure of sin
And I know it’ll be my end
But I hardly care...
I’m always at war with myself
Because in the quiet of night
It becomes so very clear
I am my own worst enemy
That was oddly freeing....
249 · Jan 2020
Aid
Empire Jan 2020
Aid
I have no one to heal my wounds
There’s this aching in me to be seen
I want you to see the blood
Please, look at me
Look at my wrist!!
I’m in pain!
I’m injured!
And I just... just need someone
To dress my wounds

...

But I know there will be no one
And if I’m to heal
It will be alone
For no one is coming
To stand by my side
No one is coming
To my aid
247 · Jun 2019
Awful
Empire Jun 2019
You see,
I know I must be something truly awful
Because I’m not sorry for what I did
I’m sorry I got caught
And that’s how I’ve always been
247 · Jun 2019
Stimulation Motivation
Empire Jun 2019
Sipping bittersweet coffee
To drag me slowly
From my state
To motivate
The feeling growing
Heart pumping
Faster, harder
Brain less deadened
A little shaky
One more
Sounds just right...
246 · May 2019
Utterly Blank
Empire May 2019
What happened to me?
I used to care
About absolutely everything
I'd weep with my sister
I'd make sure I always did my work
I was never late
And it mattered to me
But now,
These things don't seem to matter
In my head, I know what they are
I know how I ought to react
And then I find myself
Utterly blank
I just don't care
Did I realize what was trivial?
Or did I lose some of myself?
I truly can't tell.
Have I traded crippling anxiety for nagging indifference? I suppose that's better...
246 · Jul 2019
I’m Really Not
Empire Jul 2019
You think I’m kind
Don’t you?
I’m really not
But I’ll set the record straight
I’ll show you the ugliness
I’ll treat you like I treat myself
You’ll get it
You’ll hate me too
Just like I want you to
246 · Aug 2019
The Kind Voice
Empire Aug 2019
C'mon, Sweetheart
Close your eyes
Get really cozy
Grab that fuzzy blanket
Maybe pet a dog
This part is important, now,
Breathe in, nice and slow
No rush, no hurry, no goal
Just breathe
And let it out
Gently
Good girl :)

Now, have you eaten?
I know you forget
Or just refuse
Regardless,
Let's get you something
Some water as well
Perhaps tea?
No more coffee, ***
Not this late at least

You're doing so well
Now, how about a shower?
Use your favorite soaps
So your skin is left scented
Clean and floral

Bedtime, Lovely
Alright?
Comfy pjs tonight
Light a candle for a bit
Put on some music
Just be.
It's really alright
You don't have to sleep
Not right away
Just take care of yourself, okay?
I'm here with you
We can do this.
We're going to be alright.
Working on listening to the kinder, quieter voices in my head.
246 · Mar 2019
Deep end
Empire Mar 2019
I think I’m addicted
To writing these words
Every moment
Free minute
I just want to write
I crave the
High
Of writing
Of these words
I chase it
Like a maniac
Running right off
The deep end
To be lost
In the depths
Of language
And the murky waters
Swirling in my head
245 · Feb 2020
Fair Warning
Empire Feb 2020
Haha
There’s no empathy in me
So sweet of you to notice
I don’t ******* care
My heart is a gaping hole
A void you can’t fill
And to feel something
I’ll hurt you
I’ll watch you bleed
To amuse myself
And cut my own skin
To feel something more
Because I’m not a good person
Don’t get me wrong here
I am not okay
And I’ll drag you to Hell
Right along with me
245 · Dec 2019
To feel okay
Empire Dec 2019
Tbh... I don’t even mind the pills
I’ll take whatever you give me
And maybe a little more
I just want to feel okay
And if they can give me that
****... I’ll swallow the entire bottle
Officially taken more than prescribed... tbh not even sort of regretting it
242 · Jun 2019
Prodigal Daughter
Empire Jun 2019
Dear God,
I’m such a ******* mess
I need you
Please,
Bring me home
-Your Prodigal Daughter
My painfully honest salvation prayer
241 · Jun 2019
Wrong
Empire Jun 2019
It’s amazing how quickly I can shift
My moods are always wild
Absolutely no consistency
Just two days ago
I had the best day I’ve had in months
Maybe even all year
And now
I sit here
Pathetic
Disgusting
Solitary
And I can’t tell
If I feel nothing
Or if I’m in intense pain
I want to drown
I want to hurt
I want to laugh
Idk
I’m just..... wrong.....
Almost certainly will take this down later
241 · Jun 2019
Unworthy
Empire Jun 2019
Do you know
How dreadful it is
To be horribly upset
Mourning
Over absolutely
Nothing?
It’s full of angst
Unfocused, blind rage
And the guilt,
When I can feel anything at all,
Is overwhelming
Because I don’t deserve
To waste these sad words
They should belong to those
Who have earned them
240 · Mar 2019
Maybe
Empire Mar 2019
Maybe
You’re not the one
Maybe
You’re not forever
Maybe
It was just a conversation
But I can say with certainty
You reminded me I’m alive
And that’s all I needed
Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in the pain of life and forget how to be alive.
240 · May 2019
Slush
Empire May 2019
I drank a slushee
Now my insides are colder
Than my outsides are
Sorry my stuff tends to get so dark, so here’s a haiku about a slushee!
239 · May 2019
Lurking
Empire May 2019
There’s something there
Lurking in the depths of my mind
Feeding me lies
Poisoning my heart
It makes me grow weak
I stagger through my days
My mind a jumble
Memory a blur
I can’t tell
If I’m even myself
When it twists my thoughts
Warps my emotions
Am I numb?
Do I want to be?
I don’t know what’s true
Except that I’m sure
There’s something there
Lurking inside.
I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin.
I must confess that I feel like a monster.
-Skillet, “Monster”
239 · Dec 2019
blood-stained
Empire Dec 2019
trigger warning: self harm, cutting


unsheathed my blade
and held it to the light
and there, along the edge
a line of red
dried on
from night after night
of being used
over and over and over
in a desperate, futile attempt
to feel something
to control something
to see the damage
to see the pain
to attain release

and as i clean my blade
i'll wipe away the bit of me it took
to make myself bleed
so many times....
all over...
and then
i'll put it away
and move to wipe
my blood-soaked wrist
239 · Apr 2019
Restless and Crazy
Empire Apr 2019
What do you do with yourself
When nothing is wrong,
But it feels like everything is?
The motions of daily life
Leave you numb and cold

You want to justify the feeling
Confirmation that the world is wrong
But you don't know what to believe
Your mind has lied to you before
So you sit in frantic silence
Restless and crazy

You know you should be worried
About something out there
But you don't know what it is
So you just worry about it all
Driving yourself mad

Once the panic in your flesh subsides,
Your mind continues on
Chasing highs of stimulation
Heart pounding and blood pumping
Desperately pleading its case

And all of this
The wars within
And beyond your skin
Leave you here
Restless and crazy
238 · Mar 2020
A New Drug
Empire Mar 2020
That’s it
That’s what I wanted
That’s what I’ve been looking for
You’ve got me so high...
I realize how dangerous a drug this is...
This game I’m playing...
How do I stick to my beliefs
When you just make me want more...?
I want you to hold me
And don’t you dare let go.
238 · May 2020
Toxic
Empire May 2020
My parents are insane
This family is dysfunctional
This house is toxic
It’s making me sick
And it’s all I have
Cereal. My mother exploded over ******* cereal. We are all going into survival/stress mode because of cereal. What the ****.
237 · Apr 2019
Blood Soaked
Empire Apr 2019
These words are written in blood
From a myriad of wounds
Gashes from self-loathing
Poisonous ****** from loved ones
Bullet holes from life itself
Coated in the acid of illness
And whether it is for poetry's sake
Or to watch myself bleed
I tear off my scabs
And then I write
237 · Sep 2019
In Red Ink
Empire Sep 2019
I just want to escape
I want life to be better
I want to be loved
I’ve never been loved...

I’m dying
My light is flickering out
Faith wavering
I’m unsteady

And YOU all...
So caught up in yourselves
You’re blind to my suffering
I’M IN TREMENDOUS PAIN
You’ve all forgotten
But it never ended for me

My heart is weary
My head burdened
The only way to tell you
Is to make my body reflect
All the scars in my mind

You’ll see me fall
Notice just too late
To save that poor girl’s soul
236 · May 2020
My Way Out
Empire May 2020
tw: suicidal thoughts



I haven’t felt it in months...
But I knew I should’ve listened...
I should’ve thrown out all the pills
All the orange bottles in my nightstand drawer
I didn’t want to then
I don’t want to now
They’re my way out
My backup plan
When things go dark,
I can offer them to myself
There’s always the pills...
I don’t even know if they’re enough...
But part of me is desperate to find out
Now I’m just angry and don’t even want to take the ones I’m supposed to take...
236 · Apr 2020
Steep
Empire Apr 2020
tw self harm



I can’t hold out much longer
Every night I get weaker
From this eternal fight

I just want to hold it...
My blade
But I know what I’ll do...
I can’t see it
Can’t touch it
Can’t clean it
Can’t play with it
Can’t feel it against my skin
Can’t press the tip in
No..... you know you can’t stop
This ***** is too steep
But... I’m... I’m so tired...
I just wanna fall
236 · Aug 2019
downward
Empire Aug 2019
you go
you work
you play your role
you smile and laugh
take care of everyone
eagerly awaiting the moment they leave
you release the tension
allow your smile to drop
feel the weight of gravity
drawing you downward
just be
just breathe
ahhh yes...
the discontent
i was expecting you...
something is terribly wrong
it’s probably you, you know...
start thinking, what did you do?
i just want it to go away
i crave the ability to forget
the option to feel content
just for a while...
236 · Mar 2019
Hiding from Hope
Empire Mar 2019
I know You're there
Hope
I just have blinded myself
In my wandering
In my stupidity
In my indulgence
In my twisted mind
So, I don't think I can see
You'll have to come find me
Rescue me
Because I have spent my time
Busily crippling myself
Because honestly I deserve it
But, my Hope, I know You're there
So, please, come to my rescue
Be my Salvation,
Healing
236 · Apr 2020
Moscato
Empire Apr 2020
On my lips
On my tongue
In my veins
In my brain
Indulge tonight in a cheap moscato
Something sweet and intoxicating
Why do I keep wishing I had more...?
235 · Mar 2019
Woven
Empire Mar 2019
I hate that I wish for pain
For sorrow
Anything to justify
My feelings

Because I was born
With an illness
That makes me feel
So **** broken

Constantly
Aching to explain
The brokenness
Woven into my DNA
234 · Jul 2019
Internal Monologue
Empire Jul 2019
Alright, you did it.
You survived.
But once again, it was by shoving all your emotions down so deep
You don't even know where to find them,
And now you're feeling drained, bored.
You want them to come out and play, don't you???
But now it's all fake.
It's too late.
But you acted respectably... mostly...
So you did well.
Now, you get to deal with all the **** you tried to hide.
Great job.
This is much better.
I can't imagine why you feel dead inside.
I can't imagine why you'd wanna die.
234 · Jun 2019
Craving
Empire Jun 2019
I’m having cravings
Desiring adrenaline
Needing excitement
233 · Mar 2019
Crave
Empire Mar 2019
Darkness calls out
I know his name
I can recognize him at a glance
And yet, I am confused

But why the confusion?
You know what's wrong
You know what's right
It's just that simple

Some things, though feel
So good that
They just couldn't
Possibly be wrong

All I know
Is that when I think
I crave
Something wonderful

Intoxicating
Thrilling
Addicting
Wrong?

I don't know any more
So instead I run
Towards my buzz
And I forget

What was your name?
233 · Apr 2019
Puppet
Empire Apr 2019
Psychological abuse
Passive but certainly aggressive
You smile but then you speak
And the words that you utter
Meant to control me
My thoughts
My actions
But you're so sly
I don't even notice
I'm your puppet
And I don't know how to break these strings
232 · Jun 2019
Escape
Empire Jun 2019
Abba, be my peace
When lucidity becomes
My arch enemy
“Abba” is an Aramaic term for “father” used in translations of the Bible to denote a loving and deep paternal relationship with God
231 · Dec 2019
Unhinged
Empire Dec 2019
I might be losing my mind
I feel properly unhinged tonight
Blood is gonna spill
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