tw self harm



Her skin burns
In the places she once held the blade
She knows she doesn’t need it
But curiosity and recollection
They tempt her
To fall once again
To relapse again
To cut herself again...

She sees the paths ahead of her
She sees addiction
She sees recovery
To cut again would be easy
Already she has supplies
But the momentum of healing
She doesn’t want to lose it
So hard she’s labored for it
So I suppose
For now
She’ll labor on

I hate that I wish for pain
For sorrow
Anything to justify
My feelings

Because I was born
With an illness
That makes me feel
So **** broken

Constantly
Aching to explain
The brokenness
Woven into my DNA

I have a strong tendency to spiral
One drink and I have to have more
Then it’s better
Then it’s worse
Sleep... then it’s worse
And I need another drink...
Mood plummets
Thoughts get loud
Medicine becomes fog in my mind
And I crave blood

I feel dangerous
Hatred, anger, adrenaline
Racing through me
Maybe I’ll take some pills
And have a drink
Just for fun
Let’s see.

I just want to escape
I want life to be better
I want to be loved
I’ve never been loved...

I’m dying
My light is flickering out
Faith wavering
I’m unsteady

And YOU all...
So caught up in yourselves
You’re blind to my suffering
I’M IN TREMENDOUS PAIN
You’ve all forgotten
But it never ended for me

My heart is weary
My head burdened
The only way to tell you
Is to make my body reflect
All the scars in my mind

You’ll see me fall
Notice just too late
To save that poor girl’s soul

What do you do with yourself
When nothing is wrong,
But it feels like everything is?
The motions of daily life
Leave you numb and cold

You want to justify the feeling
Confirmation that the world is wrong
But you don't know what to believe
Your mind has lied to you before
So you sit in frantic silence
Restless and crazy

You know you should be worried
About something out there
But you don't know what it is
So you just worry about it all
Driving yourself mad

Once the panic in your flesh subsides,
Your mind continues on
Chasing highs of stimulation
Heart pounding and blood pumping
Desperately pleading its case

And all of this
The wars within
And beyond your skin
Leave you here
Restless and crazy

There’s a story on my heart
One full of adventure
Of brilliance
Science and magic
Risks and heroes
Dark struggles
Haunting pasts
It’s all in there
Because
I want my heroes
I want them to win
Let’s watch them overcome
Falter then rise
Stagger then steady
Because if they can
These creations in my stories
Then just maybe
I’ll have the strength
To pull myself back up
From how far I’ve fallen

Depression crawls into my head
I try to lie down
To quiet the chaos
It gets louder
Demanding to be noticed
My stomach turns
My head aches
My hand reaches for the blade....
I don’t want new scars
I do not want new scars
I DO NOT

Tbh... I don’t even mind the pills
I’ll take whatever you give me
And maybe a little more
I just want to feel okay
And if they can give me that
****... I’ll swallow the entire bottle

Sipping bittersweet coffee
To drag me slowly
From my state
To motivate
The feeling growing
Heart pumping
Faster, harder
Brain less deadened
A little shaky
One more
Sounds just right...

tw suicidal thoughts



Something about these pills...
It just rubs me the wrong way...
Something eerie about them
Their quantities
Their psychoactive properties

I just don’t want them in my head
Or I want them all at once
High doses
Overdoses
Or none at all

And why
Why the ****
Do I get excited
A sick hit of adrenaline
Thinking about swallowing them all
And ending it now

What’s wrong with me
Nothing’s wrong
Everything’s wrong
I’m fine
I’m broken
I’m sick
I’m losing my **** mind

And somehow...
Somehow the pills keep me a little bit sane

I remember this feeling
Dizzying, exhilarating
I’ve let the darkness in too far
And for far too long
I need to irradiate myself
In the light of hope
I’ve been here before
And it’s so intoxicating
It feels honest and exciting
But I’ve been swallowing lies
I need a detox of truth

I survived to 21
Where I can finally get a nice buzz in peace
So here’s to whatever the **** is next
At least I won’t have to do it sober

I think I’m addicted
To writing these words
Every moment
Free minute
I just want to write
I crave the
High
Of writing
Of these words
I chase it
Like a maniac
Running right off
The deep end
To be lost
In the depths
Of language
And the murky waters
Swirling in my head

I love my "angry music"
As she puts it
Because it's so real
It sounds like my soul
This swelling, aching, groaning
The crunch in the guitar
Dark and powerful
A strong drumbeat
Killer bass
And lyrics that could make you weep
Or just want to scream
Something that hits you in the gut
And you contemplate
What they could mean
Every time it's deeper
It's better
And always
I play it louder

In a moment of clarity
I knew
I was nearing insanity

Maybe
You’re not the one
Maybe
You’re not forever
Maybe
It was just a conversation
But I can say with certainty
You reminded me I’m alive
And that’s all I needed

I crave love like I crave *****
I just want something
To make me feel okay
To keep me from thinking
To distract me
To mask the pain
To run from myself
To feel alright about myself
Even just for a while

tw: self harm


What a feeling
What a ******* rush
Just to hold it
To wrap my fingers around the cold handle
To know what it could do
Knowing what it has done
Adrenaline release
Anticipation
But also... comfort
It feels so nice... so right
Resting in my palm
And I know I shouldn’t...
But I kinda wanna use it...

You don’t see it
Do you?
You don’t hear it?
My screaming, crying
I’m bleeding, dying
And you don’t even notice
You just exchange pleasantries
And complain about your day
While I lie here
Weak and broken
Grasping for anything
To help me live
Or die
It doesn't matter anymore

Haha
There’s no empathy in me
So sweet of you to notice
I don’t ******* care
My heart is a gaping hole
A void you can’t fill
And to feel something
I’ll hurt you
I’ll watch you bleed
To amuse myself
And cut my own skin
To feel something more
Because I’m not a good person
Don’t get me wrong here
I am not okay
And I’ll drag you to Hell
Right along with me

Find me a drug
To end this mundanity
I was so **** low
Until I started those pills
Then I swung up so high
Even this sad life I live
Felt exquisite
Everything was exciting
It all made me smile
It was probably fake
But I don’t really care
Because now I’m fine
And that’s the problem
I can’t stand “fine”
I’m adrift in reality
And frankly
I’m not a fan

tw self harm


Blood all over
I’m glad
I’m content
Satisfied
It’s only right when I’m wounded
Relapse was inevitable
I don’t even feel guilty...
I just want more....

trigger warning: self harm, cutting


unsheathed my blade
and held it to the light
and there, along the edge
a line of red
dried on
from night after night
of being used
over and over and over
in a desperate, futile attempt
to feel something
to control something
to see the damage
to see the pain
to attain release

and as i clean my blade
i'll wipe away the bit of me it took
to make myself bleed
so many times....
all over...
and then
i'll put it away
and move to wipe
my blood-soaked wrist

It would seem
That all I ever consider
Are questions
And I never quite get closure
No one offers answers
Especially when I'm too afraid to ask
I don't know what I am
Maybe I'm just making it up
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm dramatic
Maybe I'm sick
Maybe I'm in a phase
Maybe I'm just broken
But I don't want to ask
Because the answer
Can't possibly be good

Darkness calls out
I know his name
I can recognize him at a glance
And yet, I am confused

But why the confusion?
You know what's wrong
You know what's right
It's just that simple

Some things, though feel
So good that
They just couldn't
Possibly be wrong

All I know
Is that when I think
I crave
Something wonderful

Intoxicating
Thrilling
Addicting
Wrong?

I don't know any more
So instead I run
Towards my buzz
And I forget

What was your name?

F         a     d                  e                     m        e

           i   n                   a                   n     d           o    u                   t

o    f                       r      e           a   l  i                   t        y . .      .

I wanna l
                  e
                     t
                                            
                       g          
                       o  
                                
Of this world                          ...........                     of this life......

I WANNA FEEL

                  A           L                I             V                     E
                      A           L                I             V                     E
                A           L                I             V                     E
               A           L                I             V                     E
                         A           L                I             V                     E  .    .     .     ?

I’d really like to know
If there’s someone
To whom the idea of
Gently running his fingers
Down my cheek
Looking into my eyes
And kissing me deep
Would not be found
Utterly repulsive

Do you know
How dreadful it is
To be horribly upset
Mourning
Over absolutely
Nothing?
It’s full of angst
Unfocused, blind rage
And the guilt,
When I can feel anything at all,
Is overwhelming
Because I don’t deserve
To waste these sad words
They should belong to those
Who have earned them

I can live in darkness
Let my neurochemistry be
Cold, sad, anxious
Craving death to escape
Anything at all to escape...

Or, I can take more pills
Feel nothing at all
Just be low
Want to sleep
Too numb to care
So distant they all notice

But why... why is it looking
Like there’s no medium for me
I don’t get to be happy
Happiness is a lie
It’s a fantasy
A fable
So we hold out hope
That life will get better
Even as we watch ourselves burning
Our fortresses crumbling
Gardens wilting
Bodies dying
...

Things only get worse
But that bizarre human hope
It pushes us onward
To believe in better days
Though it would seem
That kind of hope
Has fled from me

Everything
Is
Broken
Help
Is
Broken
I
Am
Broken

I wondered what you'd hear
If you strayed into my soul...
You would hear screaming
Passionate, anguished, fiery
You would hear my
BATTLE CRY
Because there's so much life
So much humanity
In the act of fighting
Against the cold, the death
Even on my darkest nights
All you would see is my spirit on fire
And you would hear my
BATTLE CRY

Is it exercise
If I do it while eating
A chocolate pop-****?

You’ve tried to protect me from everything
How futile an effort...
You could’ve just told me!
I wouldn’t need it like this!
I crave what you’ve hidden
You’ve applied so much pressure
Wound me so tight
A band about to snap

You think I’m kind
Don’t you?
I’m really not
But I’ll set the record straight
I’ll show you the ugliness
I’ll treat you like I treat myself
You’ll get it
You’ll hate me too
Just like I want you to

I have no one to heal my wounds
There’s this aching in me to be seen
I want you to see the blood
Please, look at me
Look at my wrist!!
I’m in pain!
I’m injured!
And I just... just need someone
To dress my wounds

...

But I know there will be no one
And if I’m to heal
It will be alone
For no one is coming
To stand by my side
No one is coming
To my aid

Ask me about my scars
I’ll show you
I want them to be seen
I want them to be known
Accepted
But I keep them hidden
For most will not understand
But if you care
If you see me
Just ask
And I’ll show you
My scars

Congrats.
You’ve done it.
You know that scar isn’t going to heal.
You went too deep.
You lost control.
You’ll have to live with that.
You now bear the insignia
Of the anguished.

Alright, you did it.
You survived.
But once again, it was by shoving all your emotions down so deep
You don't even know where to find them,
And now you're feeling drained, bored.
You want them to come out and play, don't you???
But now it's all fake.
It's too late.
But you acted respectably... mostly...
So you did well.
Now, you get to deal with all the **** you tried to hide.
Great job.
This is much better.
I can't imagine why you feel dead inside.
I can't imagine why you'd wanna die.

Words
Are so incredibly amazing
They can organize thought
Human thought!
From neural jumbles
To cohesive communication
With words
We can make sense
Of all the noise
Rumbling, bumbling, stumbling
Around in our minds