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Zero Nine Jun 2017
I'm confused by the caustic whispers
What I do, I do for love, they say
I'm profane.

Of course I'm atheistic,
I'm under the dome
of this upset city
with my badge and gun,
what do they expect,
my broken home?
I of all the answers,
answers, I have none.

I know their caustic whispers well
because I am one of
the inimical voices
spraying my name.

My name is in lights,
while I wanted this, I never asked
I never asked, but
now my brain is awake and I'm profane.
Marcus stood in her kitchen
sink to the face
hearing her name,
seeing the little girl.
Knowing full shame,
a person of poor success,
falling from grace.
Zero Nine Jul 2017
She'd gone from discharge straight back to the office, dressed in her sweats and intake band. She got into the elevator, fingered lucky seven, and rode the way up stuck in molasses thoughts, in anger and shame.

She was no one's property, The Agency's least of all.

The neon lights over River City's southeast side popped and sparked, dancing gracefully in the array of dull grey derelicts. She watched them exploding through the safety of the glass.

She'd tell Asgar exactly what she thought.


"I don't give a **** about the why, I give a **** about the how. How could you do that to me, man?"

I was doing you a favor.

"No, don't even -- you were doing your ******* self a favor. "

Oh, of course. We all thought you might like to have some teeth, Miriam.

"Don't say my name like that! I'm not your ******* daughter."

Calm down, okay? Please?

"You made a decision about my body that was not yours to make. If I want to be a toothless crone, that's my business. If I want to have one *** and a ****, that's my ******* business, Asgar. "


And when it was over, as most do, she rode the way home with her head hung below her shoulders, wondering if the words she'd found to say were too true. She wondered, what some wonder, if her truths were better used when they were cut from the script to defuse inconvenient situations.

When she went inside, Miriam threw her keys and her clothes into a pile by the bedroom door, pulled the band from her wrist and then stepped into the shower. She'd go out. If she truly weren't worth her weight, then she'd throw herself to the city, hoping to trade what was left for ***.

And drugs. Drugs, too.
Zero Nine Jun 2017
Can't sleep. Wakeful for days. The pain starts.
Thought I could beat it. Thought again, wrong as ever.
The consequences take form shortly after my mistakes.
Already too far behind me. Already flown through.
My frantic fingers tremble, trying to close.
Reliable depression.

Shuffle. Shuffle my feet. Long dark streets.
Pit stops in bars for drinks in smoke. Cigarettes. Cigars.
Like I'd ever find love tucked in such slow dives.
If stimulants may save me, I'll smoke some more ****.
Against the outside building, heart open.
I hear your quiet words.

Over the traffic. Over the clubs. Their lines.
For once I follow the feeling. Not shy away.
The music singing from hidden lips.
I must see them.
Zero Nine Feb 2018
I feel the strands push through my scalp for blue skies
Grow up, grow tall, then steeple palm to palm
Praise the sun! but where's the sun?

Legend says it's there to reach for men with means
If love, if happiness, then just take a grip
Praise the sun! but where's the sun?

Preach goodliness like you've the throat, the road to heaven
Preach to us like you'll sell deviants the verse

Raise the men! but what's a man?
Praise the sun! that never burned.

I'm over. I'm over.
Been over all along.
Zero Nine Jul 2017
Save my life
        It's nothing but wasted.
Pull aside
     the green, leaden curtain.
Of envy, it fills my
            every move with deadened motion.
          Come inside, won't you?
Save my life
From        a c c i d e n t a l        hurt
        From despair too
   Carelessly placed to
Be on       p u r p o s e.

What if it was?
Would you trust me?
Enough to relax,
eyes rolled back?
I don't promise much,
and I can't promise
a soft place where
and when I drop you.

              I'll d r o p you.
Zero Nine Oct 2017
I used to lie down in my bed
Count kernels in the popcorn sky, overhead
I used to use the daytime for nothing much at all
Was I prepped for death?

I once liked the ones I called friends
Draped myself in colors I could defend
I once misused my empathy, passion, and my wit
Only to have you seize it in the end.

Since I'm there, written on your list,
please, cross off my name.

If I show my amateur face on your stage,
just write me off.

Play me off with the music of your choice
until I'm gone.
The End.

Thank you all for joining me for another set.
Appreciate all the love. Much respect. <3

Catch me next time.
I've got grievances to air.
Zero Nine Sep 2017
I need rent, but how am I supposed to get it paid
with a grand total of eight people in town?
I need space to celebrate my first taste of a private place,
but even as I dance for quarters - dollar bills at best -
I hear Mr. Delaney's footsteps, feel his molester's breath
dancing like a hot hand with its fingers to piano keys
from my shoulders to where my skull sits
on my neck!

His hands on my neck -
I hate this hole, this holler, Cacophony
I'm seeing dreams smash, firsthand,
seeing me swinging hammer
His hands on my neck -
I hate this hole, this holler, Cacophony,

but not like the life I left behind!
what I left behind, what I left behind
grows colds, grows overhead,
grows on me, grows close,
so close to the light that I lose the light
and grow cold, no friends,
no room for remorse, just
four walls, hole of black creeping mold,
a fine home to settle in, to
hate what I left behind,
love I left behind, whole worlds away.

I'm home in this cacophony.
<3 for <3
Zero Nine Oct 2017
The last letter you sent to me
simply read, "Z"
as if you wanted me to see
it was too hard
for you to
complete my name,
even after everything,
still, you can't even
press it with a Bic
into some Hammermill

So, what can't they see?

The last letter you sent to me
read like a eulogy
for the woman you were
The praise was put on pretty thick
By your description
anyone else would see
me as biohazard, medical waste,
another toxic taste,
highly addictive, overwhelming,
an overall detriment
to your mental health

So, what can't they see?
Lover from another over moment,
what can't they see?

Doesn't matter how I conduct myself,
certain ears listen to certain mouths
regardless of the content, or the timing
There's been a Jean-Claude in pink
since the beginning, sitting in the trees
taking notes, waiting for the moment
I reveal something petty and honest
in a rare moment of our honesty

Feel free to rake up my mistakes
If you want to do us both, anata,
we'll need a bigger ******* rake

So, what can't they see?
Lover from another over moment,
what can't they see?
it's difficult for me to express myself.
Zero Nine Oct 2017
Toothless
Lying on the ground
Rain falls
Washing waste from purple skies
Sun sets
The dead man's skin is wet and orange
He melts
A Creamsicle in holy Summer's mouth, and the

Holler sits still
The silent home of broken will
The corpse misses mourning
While, all around, the residents eat
and sleep and lie
...
Zero Nine Sep 2017
She said, "Hello. You look like ****."
I said, "To what do I owe this. . . this compliment?"
A double whiskey on the house
I said, "Fine with me, I always take the first one free."
"But you've been here all night," she said,
"In fact every single night this week."

Hope stands monstrous in the door
Can't tell if it's as it is or if it's my eyes swimming
Memory's a funny thing, because from what
I remember I never was a drunk
Just everyone on dad and grandpa's side
Cruising all the way up the line

Now, reflection's come to cast
proper shadow 'cross my heart
in clouded mirrors with lights off
I outsmart the faint voice
No hands, ******* in the dark
halp mi
Zero Nine Sep 2017
My heart was mine in day til night
She came and stole my life
In cold, beneath streetlight
In her leather and jeans
Like she knew just what
She wanted, and she did
I'm glad the innocence
At first kept back the fiery truth
That you were so much like me
That I was much like you
Or else I'd not have stolen yours, too
Zero Nine Sep 2017
I see a fat kid, twenty eight and aging
A welfare old kid, casting sideways eyes
At store front windows to make sure
S/he's getting smaller, to take up less space

This is a small place, we cook in snake oil
A young, self-assured place, still fitting graves
Even the sun shines on this necrotic fixation
Everyone lives in maudlin infatuation

I am neither, born of the expanse in-between

Shrink,
Tiny aspirations, that's us!
Shrink,
Shrink with me into the night in the land of rolling holes

Six feet, at least, sweet destiny sweeps sooner, so soon

Shrink,
Tiny aspirations, that's us!

Shrink,
Shrink with me into the night behind the day,
in the land of thick lipstick over genocide
halp.
Zero Nine Oct 2017
There was a time you'd find
its untidy nest at the top of the lot
in the front room of apartment zero nine

Then, miles down time's treadmill
the creature first took notice, took a look
at its surroundings said,

"My world's color could be described as, and called, shame."

It split itself in half
The legs grew a head
The torso grew wings

While the grounded body kept vigil,
kept the common company
of rapists, liars, and thieves,
the winged being pushed off the Earth,
never to return to shame
as an ape with one short face,
but as a thing with a thousand names.
wat
Zero Nine Jun 2017
Forgot how deep my love
for chaotic thoughts
But you've been with me for years
and I don't see you going anywhere
Forgot how much karma
***** on sweet fools like you
I swear I'm not evil aligned
It's just too opportune
and my sweet fool, to you
i whisper in your loving ear
i'm but an opportunist.
This is what I see in the mirror. It's difficult to remember now if there's any deeper truth to it.
Zero Nine Jun 2017
Gone walking rocky cliffs
Seem to stretch to oblivion
This rain with little clothing
Cuts my fatty layers through
To quake the bone
I haven't known home since you were with me
Now the most powerful memory barely manifests in mist
This calls for a summoning
I'm shamed in calling for you, maybe I'm too paranoid. After all you said you loved me and it stuck in the midnight wind through windows.
Please let me find your face in dream to lead me home.
Zero Nine May 2017
I can't take this **** nuh more
I haven't been healthy since
Nine ******* teen
Plus two years and I found the way to love myself
First step hit the corner for the bottom shelf
Second, retire to my tomb of a bedroom
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
drinkin for two, staunching wounds
with alcohol
breathin in toxic air through filters
for my chemical fix
I can't stand that my lungs hurt, my heart burns
I exhale hard and
I see black tar pull away in smoke form
Knowing I'm black inside, too
What do I do but spark one more white tip
Do i hate myself or am i afraid to love myself?
Zero Nine May 2017
Two tight
butts
both
belch
into
the bowl.

Toilet.

At night,
I
fight
tight
butts
of
the whole
world.

What kind of story can I write with a pen,
when the common story sold by a friend
is one of the short ones told with a gleam in the eye
No ink, just a sharp in the hand. No stink, though,
I just want it over, man. My living room is no tomb,
it's entrance and exit, byway to the highway but the
shoulder's overflowing, growing closer to me than
you think and neighbor, you're the 216.
...
Zero Nine Jul 2017
No,
my soul,
cannot be
taken.
No,
it's gone,
been stolen
before
you.
When you
reach for
wick warmth,
you find
disfigured
wax.
When you
bare teeth
to bite,
I'll hide,
too truly
bitten.
Can't you tell the time
for pleasure's passed?
Two tired eyes and
mirthless smile,
don't care to stop it.
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Cellulite
Carriage
Back *****
Sagging
Glass won't shatter
Lens can't demonize
Deprecate
Soft serve
Despise
Flesh form
I won't crumble
Just age
Gaze can't shatter gaze can't shatter
Gaze can't shatter
Me
And I recite, face looking back in fear
Zero Nine Jul 2017
Stand alone
scratching the spine
of my open book.
I alone
touch this book
manipulate the spine.
They warn of the bright outside
When I see only dark
Zero Nine Mar 2017
I play Magic: The Gathering.
I play video games.
I do both as a means of break in mundanity.
I suppose the way a person reads,
The way a person watches a movie.
Stories within stories in words and then
More stories within pictures
The picture part is great because I can't draw.
I mean I can't write code or balance over
Twenty years of game mechanics but words,
I've got words. I've got the best words.
I smoke **** and I have a lot of weird fetishes
I don't know why. To both of those things.
I have no idea. **** makes me paranoid and sleepy.
It does other things, too, but I can't describe it well.
I can't describe it clearly.  I like drinking ***,
But I've never peed on someone else, so I don't
Know if I'm down with that. I'll have *** with anyone,
But disclaimer, I won't have *** with just anyone,
If you catch my drift. *****, ******, whatever, doesn't
Matter but I prefer my fellow queer, or queer minded,
You ******* sickos. I just like getting my mouth on things.
Someone well learned in human sexuality might be
Able to shed some light on that.
I chain smoke and I neglect myself.
And I do both because I am one depressed, self loathing
****** with a half hearted death wish or some ****.
I cling really tightly to naivety, but not because I want
It enough to have it around all the time.
I'd say it's only so I don't go down that road again
And self destruct. Figure that one out.
Clearly autobiographical
As opposed to abstractly autobiographical
Zero Nine May 2017
I can't find my wallet.
I can't find my passport.
It's a problem because
my driver's license expired.
Need the passport for ****.
Need it to cash the paycheck.
At *-Mart, because I
don't have a bank. US, Chase,
Wells Fargo. I owe from the past.
But if I don't get to the CDC,
or Nectar to get the ****,
I won't function my best.
I'll be without mental rest.
At 800 a month, it's my only
and the most expensive hobby.
...
Zero Nine Mar 2017
She's lounging on the futon playing Stardew Valley. We both get a kick out of it. Mainstream gaming can **** a *****. Exceptions occur, of course. I look into the bathroom mirror through a splatter of mouthwash and toothpaste and groom my hair, my face like I think highly of myself. I don't. I shave and I pluck, admire the edges, pretend I'm of feminine energy, pretend according to the faces and voices that matter. We have to look out for ourselves somehow, but in whole what the world can see of us makes them think we're outsiders trying to climb into an exclusive box. I want to find myself beautiful, and I know you must be happy with yourself, but there's no pleasure in false positives. Where is the touch of appreciation? To struggle visually means that windows are better caked. Not cis, nor have I ever been. In the end, I'm content enough choking in the wasteland.
...
Zero Nine Apr 2017
CDC was basically closed. Their OLCC application is stuck in processing somewhere between here and wherever. I went to the other one, instead. The taco place out front still isn't open. I have to imagine that a taco shop is going to do pretty well next to a dispensary. It was T2 something. Counter guy too cute, fast talker. It's a good smoke, but I ate a tray of brownies. I wish I could throw up, but if I'm gonna have love handles, I'd rather they be diabetes sweet, rather than the alternative.
Zero Nine Mar 2017
****
Green smoke
I swear that there's green in the air

The color of my lenses
as such of my life

Once broken,
always broken

Who's not broken here?

I fall down where I sleep
come unbound by night
or day
I fall down exhausted
but rest will not come
within reach

I fall down
There's one explanation true
That the easy is done,
best pages are turned
Zero Nine Jan 2017
Within a sea of many troubles

My heart goes

Unwilling as the body, too

Last made my bed in sheets of fire

Eager, so faithful of the blue
Zero Nine Jul 2017
In the end it doesn't matter if I get my **** touched or my **** ******
Get permission to lip little kisses on your hip skin, kiss that ****
It turns out I can please myself, with my mouth, only the wall's help
Just playing around with rhythm and word order.
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Leaving God behind,
whatever brought upon this thought,
I thought,
should be worth waking
What if it pleases me to be wrong,
though?
What when long gone becomes too far
gone?
There mustn't be measure, if I can swing wildly
but the cost shines high under title lights
and at my best guess, it looks signed
deep red with bartered blood
Consecrated.
Believe in pain tomorrow, clearly see loss and gain
Zero Nine Mar 2017
Crazy is the medicine
as is what the body does
Blood let won't be of my own
Problems? Come find
my home, secluded precipice
Hold up your hand
still it of the trembles
willingly consign
worry at the cost of
all you own

Medicine, come fight me!
Split existence, split to wind.
I'm paper, aren't I?
The weaker of the two.
You're ink, aren't you?
You will do.
...
Zero Nine Jun 2017
What's left to speak when dreaming dulls reality,
when reality dulls the dream?
Close enough to empty of any thought or word,
dip the *****, blunt needle in your rust,
Bind my mouth shut.

In your blood, I bet the years you've seen drag on,
evaporate your red count.
Those dry reminders, penetrate my flesh with them,
weave them as your thread.

I lost my own way long ago,
now need your denouement.
Don't be gentle.
Zero Nine May 2017
I've written
the same horse ****
more than I
care to admit.

(rain, wash me out of disdain)

Surer now
that I'm jaded
with passion,
quickly aged,
and grey.

May rain wash the grey out of me
(color from heaven in rain)

Or, I swear

I'll repeat the same chord
until I fade out

Zero sum
...

— The End —