I will never understand
how the name of a girl
that once sounded like melted gold and blue skies
sounds now to me like the beating of broken wings
or how a girl who I once loved with all my heart
changed my life within hours
or how her eyes
never blinked
as what she needed to say hung in the air
like a thick fog
that neither of us could see through without the other
but by the time we realized that,
the fog had cleared.
and she figured we were better off alone after all.
So I will never understand,
why the name (Blank)
hurts to say
like sandpaper
against my skin.
I will never understand how someone who was once your best friend
can be taken from you
by someone else,
with meaner intentions.
How we used to walk side by side,
but now we walk three by three,
or four by four,
and it is never the same.
but she thinks it is,
and so I will leave them alone and let them be the same.
So I will never understand,
why the name (Blank)
hurts my heart the way it does
like glass
piercing through paper.
I will never understand how someone who never loved me
could feign attraction for three months.
and when it came time for her to end things,
I think we were both relieved
because in the end,
she wasn't the only one pretending to be in love.
but it still hurt
like any heartbreak,
though this was more
platonic,
it was just as real.
So I will never understand,
why the name (Blank)
is laced in nostalgia
and a feeling
of unforgettable immortality
coupled with hopelessness.
and I will never understand
how three sets
of five letters
could be the deciding factor
in my breaking
or my mending.

i'm tired of being loved
"just because".
have you nothing better to do
than break hearts on your free time?
next time,
just say no.

leaving me to drown
would be a fate less cruel
then falling asleep in your arms
and waking up
next to an empty space

When our hands' touch
i feel electricity
run through my veins
like vines turned to ash



and then you pull away
and then you pull away
and then you pull away

The mirror can no longer bear to shatter at my reflection.
I have become something more than glass.
My hair is healthy for the first time in years,
and so, too, is my heart.
No fighter will ever again tread these trails.
I search for my Dionysus,
And leave my wars behind.
I have earned my peace.

you miss her, you say
you are distant.
if you miss her,
why avoid?
she is mine, anyway.
She misses you too.
you are jealous, you are bitter,
and now you are lonely.
and she is mine.

It is going to hurt you,
in the end.
good luck.
I told you so.

We are the very essence of Ares and Aphrodite
A fighter, and a lover
I am Venus, bringer of peace
And her, Mars, bringer of war
We could never exist without each other
Yet we both want to,
Need to,
Desperately.
There is no peace without war.
There is war without peace.
Who am I to you?

He preens my feathers,
fans my flames-
he lets me grow, he lets me destroy him.
I am happy.
.
but you still flip off my street when you pass it.

I guess you got sick
Of all the love I put into you
And I guess that affection
Just wasn't your style
And I hope that you remember
That tv show we watched together
With the cassette tapes
And I hope you realize
That I went out with a microphone
Instead of a bang
And I went out with a cassette recorder
In place of a casket
And on my will, you'll find
That I left you a box
Full of marked tapes
And a cassette player.
And I hope you press play and hear my voice
And I hope your voice cracks and you start to cry
Because I hope you realize
That these tapes are full of the love songs I wrote you
But never sang you
And I hope you realize
That we were never meant to be,
But that didn't make it hurt any less.
So just press play,
Over and over,
And remember that I'm just a broken tape recorder
Wound up one too many times.

I went to the library
and gathered flowers from its garden
to leave in the cement vases
of forgotten soldiers monuments
that they keep
in their front yard.
in that moment,
i felt alive.
it was raining.




it keeps raining.

I hate you and your new car.
                                             I hope every time you go to the gas station, it's three dollars per gallon. I hope you make so many enemies that there's a line to sugar your gas tank, I hope your engine knocks and your head gasket blows and your timing belt snaps and your rims warp and your tires pop every time you pass my street. I could still beat you in a race, even with your ugly sport package and plasti-dipped grill, I could still beat you in a race because I am angrier than you. I am angrier than you, and I always will be.
                                                             ­                                   I hate you,
                                                            ­                       And I hate your new car.

I can't find the energy to care about you anymore.
Or your new girlfriend,
or your car, passing me on the way to the city
at 9 pm, always showing up wherever I least want you.
I saw her wearing your shirt the other day.
I can't find the energy to care about you anymore.

I hope I never have to sing you another love song,
As long as I live,
Because I have spent too many nights
Singing to the stars,
About a girl who did not love me back
To ever use my voice again.
My vocal chords have been crushed
With the might of a lion
By nothing but my lone confusion,
And its still your fault.

I cannot quite articulate
the inescapable frustration
that you are to me.
i adore you.
𝘐 𝘈𝘋𝘖𝘙𝘌 𝘠𝘖𝘜!
i adore you-
BUT 𝙄 𝘼𝙈 𝙏𝙊𝙊 𝙈𝙐𝘾𝙃 𝙁𝙊𝙍 𝙔𝙊𝙐!
AND I SUPPOSE LATER ON
i will cry
my stupid
eyes out.

Hello, it has been a while since I have written you.
I've waited for you, for years,
like I promised I would.
I always promised.
your letter arrived, after so long.
maybe the mail service was slow?
I don't know.
you're here now, but I cant see you.
I think I know who you are.
I think she might be you because she is full of sunshine,
and I love her.
I think she might be happy.
I think I might be happy.

When I met you, I was on magic mushrooms.
or maybe I wasn't.
but either way, the moment we made eye contact things began to swirl-
and the world became candy-colored.

things are grey now.

I freeze two stages in
and she watches with adoration
what a catch,
in weather such as this

And all at once,
I know the plight of the hungry dog
given only a bone.
it is identical
to the plight of the suicidal man
thrown a rope.

tyrannicide is a beautiful word.
it is the felling of a beast.
the anger of the insurgent hordes.
It is just as much the killing of a dictator
as it is
the killing
of a god.
modern tyrannicide
is telling the boy who sits behind me to shove a sock in it,
and not feeling guilty about it.

Last night
We lay together.
Twin flames,
two greek gods
with 'a' names.
I dared not to move.
I thought about kissing him.

and then 𝘩𝘦 kissed 𝘮𝘦.

I am on to bigger
and better
people
and she will stay in
    her
      little
       world,
             forever.
       and one day it will burn.
and I won't care

okay, but I don't 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 to be the bigger person.
I want to be the person who looks out for their own needs.
being the bigger person for what?
the benefit of someone I hate?
the benefit of someone I avoid in the halls?
you don't 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒗𝒆 for me to be the bigger person-
so I will throw my fits.

The timing wasn't right for us-
But you breaking your arm
And getting cheated on
And making enemies
Does bring a smile to my face.
The timing wasn't right for us-
But karma never sleeps.

I waited on many mothers with their daughters today.
my last table had a prada shopping bag with them.
they stayed an hour after my shift ended.
did they think
I didn't have a mother
waiting at home?
...
of course, my mother wasnt at home.
she, too,
waited on many mothers with their daughters today.
i wonder if she realizes,
in another life,
we would be at the table
with a prada shopping bag
too.
give me a few years, mom.
we'll get there.

I'm going to tell you a story.
It's my favorite, full of magic and pretty things and color.
Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was a very sad girl, and she never seemed to fit in very well with other kids.
or other people.
or other anything, really.
Her friends never loved her very much, and her parents didn't either.
They didn't much like that she liked other girls,
Or that she gave them nothing to brag about.
Her parents wanted a businesswoman, who would meet a nice man and settle down.
This girl was far from businesswoman material.
So she grew distant.
And drifted further, and further, and further into the dark.
Her candle blew out, and she was alone.
And she was tired.
So, very tired.
And so she wrote down a goodbye on a slip of paper,
And she walked towards the edge of town.
The edge of town, towards the cliffs that overlooked the sea.
She wanted to sleep.
As she was walking, she saw a girl.
This girl was the prettiest she had ever seen.
The pretty girl looked as sad as she did, and so she crumpled up the goodbye she had written and vowed to never let the pretty girl know the emptiness that she had.
So she brought the pretty girl back to life, spoon feeding her soft words and flowers.
Flowers, like calla lilies, for magnificent beauty.
Or Lilac, for the first emotions of love.
But she almost lost the pretty girl.
and then she realized how much she loved her.
and she held the pretty girl in her arms and made her swear to let her help her, and she accepted and then
our girl saw color again.
the pretty girl had brought the feeling and the love and the color and the hope and the light back into our girl's life,
and the pretty girl smiled.
and our girl decided that her work was done.
One last kiss goodbye,
And she would fall out of the world with the stars in her eyes and snowflakes on her lips,
and so she fell asleep after all.

it is so unfair
that you can try and try again
and break my heart
every
time.
it is so unfair
that i believed you.

They say
You never forget the first person you fall in love with
And maybe that's true
But if that's true,
How did I forget how loving myself felt like?
How did I forget
To love what I am
As I am?
And why do I think of some other person as the first one I loved, because I loved them, but I loved myself first.
And I don't anymore.
And I want to.
So if you never forget your first love,
Where did my love go?

Do you ever fall
So in love with someone
That it makes you sick to see them?
Not because
You don't like them
but because
Can't you have them?
Of course, you can't.
well, now you know
how I feel
about you.
Because I have dragged myself
into a pothole of feelings
that I cannot drive out of
and no matter how many people are pushing the car
I cannot move
because there is no road
on the other side of love,
only a cliff,
where memories hang and trucks fall.
so I will trek on,
sick to my stomach with affection,
and every time I see you,
I will fall off again.

The last time you knew me,
I was not
as fond of substances.
when you decided not to know me anymore,
the
    downwards
                       spiral
                                began-
allow me to reintroduce myself:
Hello, my name is unimportant, and my brain is buzzing.

I find myself tired
as in,
exhausted,
as in,
drained.
they will not talk to me,
I am unsure of what I have done.
I am tired of being this lonely all the time.

I love you, and it's a mess.
You love her, who is dating him-
   and she loves him, but he won't tell-
    and I love you, while I'm dating them-
  and I love him, but I love you-
and thus, a mess is made.

I hope that one day
you are doing what you always do
on a normal day,
and I hope
it hits you
like a tsunami.
I hope you fall to your knees as you realize.
you lost her.
you lost the one person in the world
who would give up
her entire life for you.
and for a long, sad while,
she thought she lost you.
but that is bitterly untrue.
you.
lost.
her.

I bought a bag, today
it is rectangular
I had forgotten about
the time you made fun of them,
and as I checked out,
I remembered.

I cried.

she looks like you.

there is something painfully romantic
about pushing a needle through fabric
for hours, upon hours
sewing a poppet.
i know i will curse it anyways-
but the thought is nice.

we made eye contact today.

                                   The last time I held you was a year ago.

                                                                                               I don't know
                                                                                          how I feel about that.

A badger meets a snake,
in a field.
A laugh,
A confession,
A goodbye.
The wind blows all the same.

It’s true that I’ll never forget my first kiss.
As my lips collided with pavement,
And my arms gave out,
I kissed the earth with all my love,
With all my might.
I’ll never forget the quake.

There is a tree by my bus stop.
I do not know when it began flowering,
only that it is.
On each branch, there are delicate flowers, dousing the street in pink and white
magnolias.
she's coming up this summer, finally.
I wish I could show her.

I wish you could see it.

Goodbye,
at long last.
You are not the girl i fell in love with.
A fascinating trick,
a banshee in disguise,
a charmer with scales.
you will not trick me anymore.
I will never let you.