We are laying in bed with our legs intertwined, and I can't think of anything besides how lucky I am to have you here at my side.

My heart is in such a fragile place.
I don’t realize until it suddenly starts to ache.

I want you to know that my heart is yours. You have me hooked. And I never stop thinking about you. And I’m falling in love with you but I’m trying so hard not to. I’m afraid to let go because in one way or another, even if you catch me, history says I’ll sooner or later be dropped from your arms, off a ledge.
And my wings aren’t repaired yet I’m not ready to fly.
And I wish I could tell you all of this.
(I hope you don’t think me saying it’s okay is a lie)
But I’m so broken that the connection between my heart and my mouth was severed by the shards.
So instead I support you in what you want and wish that you could read my mind and know that even though it’s okay, it hurts. I wish you knew that in order for me to learn to trust you enough to stop putting up walls, you need to be persistent. I want you to want me but not out of obligation.
I will always leave the door open.
I hope you don’t feel inclined to use it.

Head over heels
On solid ground
I’d like to say you’ve got me, now.


Please keep me safe and sound.

Bragging about what an amazing guy you are is so much better when it’s to someone who used to know you. I get to explain that I, I have the best version of you.

I might love you
But won’t tell you
Because recovery
Is still coming
Along
But I love being with you
Dancing to my favorite songs.
I am falling in love with you
And I know you love me too
Please don’t go

I want to see you.
And I feel like I’m putting you first in everything. Giving everything I can round up, to give you a measly offering in the form of what I can find of the shattered pieces of my heart.

Somehow you are the kind of person I will drop everything and drive an hour in a snowstorm at just the chance to do nothing with you. But only if you want me to.

Forgive.
Even if they don’t deserve it. Let it go. Take a breath. They don’t matter anymore.

Simple honesty,
Consistent transparency,
That is what you give me.
Everything happening so organically.

Just leave behind any words you heard that weren’t kind. Learn to greet your enemy with a smile, It will only hurt for just a while.

I wonder if you see me as fragile or strong. I wonder if you think that I’ll break your arms. are you careful with my heart , are you afraid that I will fall apart?

Or I wonder if you know that I am strong, despite the fact that I have been wronged? Do you know that I have strength  despite the fact we both know I can break.

I wonder what you know.

‪Sitting alone in my car at a park‬
2am and the tears start
You drive away
because I say it’s okay
But the stitches in my heart
Are tearing apart.

I’m tearing myself apart
For fear of tearing you apart.
I’m so sorry,
If I’m breaking your heart.

I am terrified of hurting you
And I can tell that I am
Or at least I feel like I am.

I am my own worst enemy
And my own best friend
I’m sorry if that’s exactly who I have or will become for you, too.

You are not everything that I want
You could be.
You are on your way there.

You whisper to me
Your breath on my lips
“I love you”
Followed by a tender kiss.

My heart stops, and revives,  
With the butterflies
That rise
From their graves

Please stay.

‪I was so afraid of getting hurt I never imagined the possibility of me hurting you
I’m so sorry if I do.

I wonder if my screams
Induced by your abuse
Haunt your dreams.

Has your heart ever hurt so bad it made your hands tingle?
What about your fingertips go numb?
Like frostbite forming inside you
As if My heart being frozen over
So long ago,
Though it’s starting to warm
Each time a small breeze comes
The ice descends through my veins
Freezing me until the whole is numb.

“I’d be lying
                                           If I said I wasn’t falling”
                                            Written in invisible ink.

Tell me when it’s safe to take the leap.

My speciality is hiding
A turtle in my shell
A people pleasing personality
Developed by the days of destructive anxiety

I’ve been broken by so many things
And people
and I thought I’d been repaired with gold,
but it seems I’ve been left a bit unstable at the core.
So I guess the only solution is to carefully crack me open once more.

I am a passenger
In my own body.
Everything’s heavy
Memories spotty.

Working away
On a beautiful day
Until my heart begins to race

Adrenaline pumping
But still I’m exhausted.
Lay down on the floor
Feet up in the sky
Get blood to my brain
And continue on with my night.

An engulfing weight
Holding me tight
Pushing me farther
From consciousness’ light

I can hear you, yes.
All that comes out is a breath.
And then again,
I’m drifting away.
I can hear everything they say.

“Open your eyes”
They flutter, sight blocked
I can not
And again
My vision is spotty
A passenger in my body.

In the darkness here at night
I lay awake
And question why
I’m not enough to satisfy
Your lust, your love, or your desires.

As my heart breaks,
at the thought of her, or them,
Ready and waiting for you,
If you’re ready to crawl back to them,
My hands shake.
I wish that you would hold me tight
And then I think twice...

The way you pluck, and play
my chordae tendonae,
Is quite the show, I’d sure say.

You put on quite a show
“All is well
There is hope.”

But dear do you forget that I see inside your soul?

I want to change my ways, you say
Every day
the same.

Yet you’re Holding on to the rudder to keep the ship going south
Each day getting further from the course.
Have you forgotten that the stars are urging you north?

Did your compass break,
My valiant captain?
Or did you forsake
Your commitment to your King?
What first caused your faith to shake?
I never thought that this could happen...

Do the pirates have your soul?
Did you sell it for the promises
Of beautiful women and gold?

Was I kidnapped
Is this a Dream
Or is the life I thought I had
Just not as glittering as it seemed

I signed my name...

Your name
Attached to mine
I took your name in mine
Took your hand in mine
That was a different time

But back to today...
I took a pen to a page
And said goodbye
To that time
And the lying
And crying.

And now I’m not yours
And you’re not mine.

You’re free to be
And Choose how you’ll be
And you can no longer hurt me
I can be free.

I hope one day, you’ll see
All the harm you did to me
No bruises, no bleeding
But you’ll remember the anxiety, the screaming.
and now here’s me
With a little bit of PTSD.

But baby,
I won’t be there to agree.

Im taking care of me.
And taking back my name.

You are safety
That I'm happy to steal.
If it makes me a thief,
send me to hell.
Because I know with you
No matter what hell I'm going through,
I'll have love on my side
Urging me to "go and do."
And I trust you can tell
That this is going so dang well.
And it's unreal
How awestrikingly wonderful you make me feel.
I'm full of wonder at you my dear
How I got so lucky here...
And I know that you will carry me
(When necessary)
Because for you and me,
Heaven is waiting.

And I'm looking forward to the journey

I was:
a little broken,
a little lost on time,
too much,
and not enough
(But I'd swear "I'm doing fine").

And on every cold night
You held me so tight
my pieces fit together
and you filled the holes
left by storms and bad weather.

Too much is nonexistant
and you love that I'm persistant.
not enough is impossible.
And that's what it means
when you tell me you love me
I'm on top of the world.

I want to say time changes things,
because it's the truth about reality.
But honestly, you're the thing
and you've changed me.
but in a better way than time herself could ever dream.
And now, I'll get to watch change with you for eternity.

Today we're together,
and I'm a little lost on time.
'Cuz I'm in love,
and that's enough.
(I'm doing so much more than fine.)

And I know that the whole poetic vernacular doesn't really resonate with you, but it doesn't matter much to me because I know that you think my mind is beautiful and I know that you love the words in my head and that's enough for me.
So thank you for thinking I"m beautiful. Thank you for complimenting my Sunday dress and for noticing when I part my hair differently. Thank you for complimenting me whether My makeup is done or not and no matter how long I've gone without washing my hair. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for holding on tight and for making me feel safe. Thanks for not being afraid to be yourself, and for making sure I know I can do the same. Thak you for being who you are, right now, and thank you for helping me be who I'm becoming, in this moment. Simply stated, I want to become that someone with you at my side.
More simply summarized, I am falling in love with you.

Falling in love with you was the best choice I ever made.
Not giving up on you was the best thing I ever could've done.
And handing over my heart to you, though I was hesitant at the start, was the start of the most exhilerating free fall of my life, and I know that it's the safest one I ever could have chosen as well, because I know that with you, falling is more like flying.
And I am confident with you as my wings, because you are the biggest blessing God ever could've granted me.
You are the most beautiful soul that I have ever been blessed to know.
I swear the moon ought to get it's light from you,
and the birds could learn a thing or two from you, because I've never heard a sweeter sound than you singing, but even that comes second to you whispering into my neck, "I Love you."

I want forever with you.

And that thought is beautiful enough to stand on its own, but there's more, thank goodness.
Because with you I can look forward to that future, but still be in love with the moment we're living in, laying in your arms and watching you doze off and listen to your heartbeat. Tonight I wonder what it was in your thoughts that made it start racing for a few moments there.
And I feel no need to rush at all, because I have forever (I think. And I hope). I just want to enjoy where we are now, before we get to where we are next.
And I like right now. It's the most comfortable and exciting anticipation I've ever experienced. Because I think that I'm falling in love. I think maybe that's what it means when I can't help but smile when I look at you, or grin when you caress my face. I think that's what it means that I sleep better in your arms than anywhere in the world, as if my heart is calmer when it can hear yours. I think that maybe this is what love is, wanting this forever with you, and feeling in my gut that there will always be a next moment to anticipate, but also a this moment to enjoy. So I'm enjoying comfortably and hopefully anticipating and wondering. Because I'm curious if you're thinking the same things. Im wondering if you might fall in love with me as well. And I'm hoping that you're crossing your fingers that I'll cross my heart and hope to die with you at my side.
And maybe tomorrow that anticipation will be answered. But for now, I'll go to sleep without you, knowing that one day I might not have to.

I know this is an adjustment mom But I also know it's one you understand. And I think that might be what scares you. Because I've never felt this way before. As many times as I've fallen it's always been the feeling of a freefall, waiting for the ground to catch me, or waiting for my stomach to catch up with the gravity and find its way back to my abdomen instead of my throat. But this time around, falling feels more like flying. And planning feels sort of freeing. And our plan has been to go with the flow and we haven't much worried about it otherwise. But this flow has us underhandedly talking about children and the future as if they belong to us, as we, not just he and me, separately. And I haven't built my home in a person, but it's in this person that I have found home. It was built before I was here. But I feel like I was meant to roam the halls of his heart. And maybe this honeymoon phase won't last. But we know each other, he and I. And because of that I feel confident in wanting this to do just that, and last. I want him to be my first love and my last...

Stop.
Breathe.
Go for a drive.
See.
Admire.
Pray.
Ponder.
Sing.
Dance.
Be spontaneous.
Trust.
Surrender.
Release.
Hope.
Love.
Pause.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Live.

A hummingbird sips from the fountain in that courtyard where the only sound is the dripping water and the faint buzzing of electricity. Every so often you'll hear a car pass, footsteps from somewhere close by, and the wind whistle through the trees.
And I think you forget to remember that every second of it is significant. The hummingbird chirps to remind you to listen, and I hope you will. The wind whispers around you while the sun wraps you in a blanket, to remind you to feel, and I hope you do. You hear the electricity and the water and I hope you remember that you're blessed to be where you are in that courtyard at work and in your life. When the cars rush past I hope you remember that there are hundreds of lives being lived all around you today and you are just one of these beings living your life. And I hope you remember that every one of those lives is important and significant but that yours, or theirs, are no more significant than others'. And when you hear the shuffling of feet I hope you look to the faces that they're carrying and smile- teeth and all- and I hope it's because you see the significance of every second of your day. And even if you don't, try for me.