In my life
Through those years and years of existence
I spend in this world

Gave me an important lesson
a lesson which I hold dearly
that nothing in this world
is permanent

I learned it through my experiences in life
I learned it through the people who left
but still remained in my memories
and brought about reasons and
lessons to keep for me;

And I also learned it to those little things

Like:

I learned that nothing in
this world is permanent
is when my mother
was angry
to me

Yet
in no time those anger disappeared
in the thin air
like streams of smoke evaporating
to the clouds

Even in my past friendships
those friends I thought would last forever will just end up like strangers
When I thought I can be with them
I realized nothing in this world is permanent

Even like those flowers
those beautiful flowers blooming
in the spring garden will just
wither under the sunrise
and fall down together
with the raindrops.

come
a
little
closer

can
you
hear
my
heartbeat?

No right?

because
you
broke
it
into
pieces

Yes
I know everything you said to me
It was only meant as a joke
A joke that was not meant to be mine

Yet it was the truth
The truth that I knew
The truth I am experiencing
Deep in my conscience
Where I tried my hardest to keep it hidden to the prying minds

Those jokes;
As it hits me straight to my face
And burns my confidence to the ground

You can call me sensitive or emotional
But believe me I chose not to be affected
And still
The burn remained in my head

Like you said it was all just a joke
But
It was painful to hear
As it cause my heart to bleed

For the words (joke) you let go came out
From the mouth of the person I dear the most
The person who knows me more than anyone
Is you.

Long time ago,
     I'm a nobody

But manage to
     become somebody

Because you let out
     the best of me.

Listen,
    Think,
         and Speak!
              
Is the steps
           to answer

So don't just
      waltz your lips!
           
It's not a dancer.

You can never run or hide from your greed
Twisted by your tainted hands of sins
For you are not afraid to rise your sword aimlessly

And mercy never crossed your pitiful mind
As you drown the innocent with their own anguish and blood

You have become someone your hateful soul molded
As you rise from the ashes of your once beautiful life
And destroyed the peace of the world

You have caused sufferings amongst the humankind
The world of people you once loved

Living like a demon
So much darkness
And so much numbness

You have lead your own blood lust world

He
  said
      I was
         beautiful

But
  he
      didn't
           mean it.

I was waiting behind the door for you
And I felt the warm air blew
As those delightful memories I once knew
Shows an unforgettable, beautiful view
Of us looking up to the sky so blue
And, of us holding hands as we grew;

Without knowing time moves and flew
As if everything was a product of the untrue

I remember our sweet youth memories, we value.

Because,
       if
ever you
     know

We'll
      never be
friends like
      before.

"I didn't authorize
you to come into my life"

I didn't let anybody
too close into my life
But you?
You've beat all odds

And you know what's funny?
You came without a plan
- so unprepared 
You came stumbling and stuttering
Whenever you see me;

Then one day
I realize you being interwined with me

"You came to ruin my predestined fate!
-or so I supposed

Because you keep on pushing and dragging me out my comfort zone
Little by little did you break my walls down;

And you told me as you point my window:

"That close glass window will never let you see the whole picture or let you hear those beautiful music of laughter that the world can offer!"

I was speechless most of the time
You were the who keeps on talking
Talking me out this wall I made to isolate myself from the world;

But as time pass I spend with you,
You made me come out my door and explore the real world

With your smiles and "humourless" jokes- but nonetheless it made me laugh;

"Because -
If it weren't for you
You'll never be mine
And I'll never be yours".

The girl
       was always
                  there

But the boy
        was never
                 once aware.

Let me tell you a secret nobody knows

I'm insecure, I hate myself, I don't see myself pretty, I'm a mess
Mess up in the head
Standing in front of you, my mind keeps on running and running and running away
From logic and reason I wish I have now

I'm under this great pressure I made myself
I can't lift it up, it just keep on, in on, in on crashing every faith in myself
and chain every part of me
Blinding my eyes
Sealing my mouth
Killing me slowly inside
And I can't breath seeing my reflection in the mirror
I'm sick of it

I keep on saying, I keep on screaming
I keep on crying, I keep on wishing
I keep on praying to be like them
but even the shooting star can't change that

How do you run from what's in your head?

I can't free myself from my insecurities
I'm embarrassed, I've become a mess, I've become a hater
It keeps on destroying myself inside
and I can't take it out of my mind

Every second, every minute, every moment of my life
Is slowly becoming something my jealousy made
I started to hate myself
I started to hate the people I'm jealous of

Because I want to be like them  
Pretty, Confident, Intelligent, Proud and Shinning
Everything I ever wanted, but I can never be like them, I can never be them
I'm like an unfit puzzle piece of the society I want to fit in

My jealousy, my insecurities made me into someone I despise
Hatred for myself runs in my veins
Everything I stand for just disappeared into the oblivion
like bubbles disappearing  into the thin air

And I'm becoming trap in my own twisted world without realizing it
As it drowns me, pulling me with its current to the darkness of my tainted mind
Its just a matter of time I might breakdown

Everyday I keep on telling myself be strong, be strong, be strong
stop being insecure, but I don't have the strength to do it
I don't have the courage to tell it to my friends, to my family
I'm dying inside- I want them to see through me
and when I lie - I'm fine they'll believe it without a doubt

I want to share it to the world, but I can't help myself to lie, to push everyone away - I've become a fool
I know it sounds crazy, I myself don't know why
I just want people to realize I need help without me telling them

I want them to save me from my own tainted mind full of insecurities

I want you to save me from my own tainted mind full of insecurities

Can you do it?
Because I can't.

I am a girl and I am unique

I am full of silence and mystique

I am humble, mild and meek

I know from my heart I am not weak;

At times I may fall down

And cry myself until I meltdown

But I'll always try my best to not drown

In this life cycle of up and down

Even if life will stain my pride

Or **** me slowly inside

And sway me to the wrong side;

The me I know will hold her head high

The me I know is unique and strong in her own ways

Even if the world turns grey;

Either inspiration or motivation dries;

She will and always strives to survive everyday.

You're like a cactus, whom needs no attention

You have created your own world ****** of thorns

And protected yourself with those sharp words;

You can survive even in times of drought and loneliness

Still, be able to bloom a flower out of your own creation

Yet I can never be with you without hurting myself

I can only appreciate your beauty afar

Though it may be hopeless, its not up to you

As a promise, I give to you my words

"I will always be there for you"

Though being with you only bring pain and sufferings

Please hear my plea and let me be with you

Let me be part of your narrative

And I promise to walk with you in the mist of danger

Together we will escape from the hell you've created.

At one time, I was alone on a cliff
Dangering my own lonely life;

Then in a swift moment in time
As if I felt the summer's touch
I turned around and saw you;

There you stood, filled with hurt
And a glint of indescribable smile

In such hurry, warm tears fell down

"I thought no one acknowledges me"

Thus, thank you for the handkerchief.

Do you still remember our starry nights?
And those ancient and beautiful sites?
Or our unforgettable little fights?
Cause those moments delights me,

Yet those moments will remain a memory
Kept and treasured somewhere in history
Cause what happened can never be undone
Fate, which can never be outrun

Losing you in my arms, I felt torn
Without you, the colors I see mourn
I wish this ungrateful fate faded
And our fate will remain in red.

I wish I'm just dreaming
Seeing you with her
Filled of smiles and colors
I can't bear it to see no more

I wish I were her
In your arms, smiling
In your eyes, shinning
In your lips, melting

What ever I do
Not even a shooting star
Can change you and me;

It's hard to lie, but I'll try
To endure this silent pain

Because neither you know
Will you ever love me?

Will you ever look at me
The way you look at her?

"The truth will never change"

I love you so I'm letting you go
It's painful but that's all I can do

Because I'm a friend you know
I've become a beautiful mess, I'll never show
I'll make this bittersweet love unknown

Its hard but I'll send you rainbow
And warmth through the snow

"Till the end I'll be a friend to you."

He was looking for a princess
Instead, what he found is me
A geek, a nerd- a book lover person
I am an imperfect girl
I am silent most of the time
But I made him speechless
When I open my mouth
And welcome him to my world.

My blood boils hearing your breathe amongst the air
I can feel my body rage in mere presence of you
As my mouth screams in silence of hatred
With every syllable your tongue twisted;
Such a fruad, fearing not to be judged
What a great ignorance you bear!

But hear me or not young sir, this rage I possess
Is deeper than any lies you made in your lifetime
This, I will use to curse you away from your life
And bury you along my hatred to the bottomless hell I've created;

So you wait for the right time shall come
For the day this vegeance shall be put to hand
And end this misery you've caused
When you took everything from me!
My happiness and my world!;

Prepare and fear me, for I am amongst the shadows of your breath
For vengeance shall rage upon your sinful soul- to death without mercy!
Then never shall I be most grateful for silencing you forever.

In my life, never did I've regretted my decisions
For I knew what I was doing to my life
Or at least I pretended to;

Now, those simple plea of my Mother years ago
All those advices and sweet words, I've never listened
Came crashing every faith I have in me
Drowning me in realizations

Why did I not listened to her?
What have I done to myelf- to my life?

The inevitable is now clear
Those stubbornness I possess
Leaded me to my story now- lost and helpless;

For never did I knew I've lost my path back home
When I kept on chasing after dead dreams my heart seeks- without looking back;
And never listened to the words of wisdom my Mother partaken for me;

Now, having no accomplishments only regrets
I slowly drift back to the place my heart belongs
Where my Mother awaits for my return
And welcomes me once more.

They say I'm strong willed person, relaxed, or composed and happy most of the time
And when I lie- "I'm fine" they'll believed without a doubt
Yes it may seem so, but because its all about mastering
The delicacy of the craftsmanship of my outer being
Then pretending and masking is the result of my handmade effort;

All of it was and all of it will, is a product of my lachrymose heart
To let people believe what I want them to believe of me
Even if molding myself into someone I do not wish to become

But was it worth it? But will it be worth it?

Regret may sometimes be inevitable and cunning
As it kills my sleep and peace of mind to an oblivion
With over thinking of the possible reasons to destroy this best mask I wear
And put to an end to this lachrymose heart that controls my whole being;

Though I want to be honest, be the hurted person I truly am;
Though I want this pain in my heart be manifested through tears;
But even if it do fall down, no one notices, no one see my pleas

All the time I'm just here pretending to be fine
Never letting a single tear from my lachrymose heart cry.

It has been a long time since I know you

Years after years of friendship

Still everyday is a new discovery

- It was comforting


And it has been my familiarity to see your face

Like of those of your gentle smile

That have become my everyday view

From morning to the end of every day's session

- It was comforting


But nonetheless, I never knew I was slowly falling for it

Even in your mere presence

In your mere peaceful silence

- It was comforting


Reminiscing to those mementos

Of those times I spend with you

Keeps the butterflies in me out of control

- It was comforting

But I know it won't be for always.

Closing my eyes, flashback starts to play;
Memories of strangers meeting
Each other the first time in the new beginning
As first impressions occupied their minds
But neither do they know what the future holds

For after sometime of getting to know each other

New friendships formed;
New possibilities to venture;
New memories to treasure;

A lot of things had help thrive there friendship stronger

There might be times of misunderstanding and arguments
Which drew a thin line of hate towards each other
Nonetheless at the end of the day, the bond is once again mend
It's a cycle, an inevitable cycle of hate and friendship

Still, along with time and through this old friendship
My love flourishes in the bottom of my heart
Never realizing it to happen- to myself
Even my mind can never comprehend
Of all this maturing feelings I now possess

Yet, I know very well he doesn't feel the same
He will always considered me nothing more than a friend
Until I learn to forget this feelings and move forward
For now, being by his side, that would be enough.

Dancing under this beautiful moonlight

My wings brought us high as the mountains could reach;

Listening to the songs of the wind whispering in our ears;

As the stars illuminated us with its light

And through our hearts beats in unison

Our love grew strong as time passed;

For I looking in your ever green eyes shines

Our memories, our histories of hardships

Like raging waves of ocean's wrath upon us;

Like you looking in my ever violet eyes

Brings back memories of how we hold our hands

Under those cherry blossoms in spring's time

Of the time we survived the stormy seas;

Of us looking up in the night's sky starry view

And of us looking through our own breath in the winter's cold night

Like you said "you are my darkness and i am your light"

It is a fate of two lovely souls of opposites

Truly one and extraordinary yet never old;

Yet the story of our love was heard from the heavens and hell

Eldest, my master, the God of Gods was disgraced;

Hades, your father, the king of the underworld was disgusted;

For I an angel, a guardian of Eldest's kingdom

Fell in love with the darkness' son;

Our love caused chaos and wrath in the heaven's peace;

And made hell burn a thousand times its self in anger;

Eldest, whom was displease, cast my death

Upon my soul and separated us with his command

Like I, a flower dying with its own roots

Withered and had slowly losing its own life;

Yet as we stand forth and supported each other

Our hearts connected even after death's command

As the reaper stand and awaits to take your soul,

To take you back to the place you belong;

There is nothing we could do but accept this inevitable

As our beating crimson heart cries silently;

For even the Wraths and the Gods do us apart

Our fathers and masters hated this love;

Like the night meets the light at dawn;

Our souls will find its way back in each others arm;

Even us can not cease this burning desire

To never let go of our ties;

In this world or in our illusions

It is our story worth dying with;

Even the history goes on, we shall live in eternity

As the story of the night that meets the light at dawn.

As I close my eyes I felt the summer's breeze
And it made my heart at ease;

I don't know where his mind is wondering now
Yet I can hear his heartbeat somehow
Making music in the air
As he stand near unaware
Of his smiles that brought delight
To this young Maiden's sight

Yet I know this emotions of love I'm feeling
Will never be conveyed to his unwavering heart
Because I can feel in the sight of his eyes
Endless mountains and skies

That one day fate will lead him to his destiny
And I'll remain nothing but a piece of his journey.

I see pain in the child's eyes
Screaming silently with his mind
As he close his mouth containing his sorrow;

In his back, he carries his dead brother
Traveling miles from the danger of men and guns
Running away with little energy for the sake of safety

Looking at him
A river of sorrow flows in him;

With a gentle kiss of goodbye, a lifeless body descended
To the soil resting from the agonizing war

Through so much sorrow overwhelming his soul
This child's legs collapsed and touched the ground
Where river of tears never fell
But only blood from his lips dripped down

He bit his tongue to ease the unbearable pain within
As he stare blankly to the soil not minding the taste of blood
For he knew, his brother's body is now one with the Earth;

Then with little determination
He left, in his head held up
And with the sorrow of lost in his heart.

I want to unchain this torturous strings
Strangling every hope I insist to have
In the life I thought I owned for a lifetime
But I was wrong, this life was never been mine
It is to the monsters whispering inside my mind
Chaining every part of me
Tainting my soul to black
Yet, even if they reside inside of me
I don't own them, they own me;
Every night they sing to me lullabies of hatred
Never letting me see the light the world offers
Those monsters will never stop taunting me
Until I learn to find a way to end this life.

Remember the last time we walk
Also it was our last time to talk,
It was the night of snowing December
Freezing our bodies with its cold winter

But there's no use crying again and again
As memories flows of you leaving with a train,
Together with our tears falls like rain
Saying our last farewell caused pain

Those vivid memories of you leaving for war
Drowns me with anxiety and uncertainly,
Waiting for you to go home feels like enternity
But keeps me aiming far;

And I've always known war is a game
A game of life and death
Which even a man without a name
Would die in womb of his mother;

Now death has prevailed, your life has ended
Promises, shattered, broken instead;
Your lifeless body was an evidence
Of war's dreadfulness and cruelty at worst.

Its late night now
Its dark and cold too
Yet here I am on my balcony
Wrapping my own body with a blanket;

Once again I am indulged in my own thoughts
As I stare into the starry night
And hope it won't disappear into the thick clouds;

Wandering as I go back to those times
When I was innocent and young and selfish
Never did I knew how grateful I am to have you;

I was oblivious- you were there always
Asking and making sure I was feeling fine
Whether it was physically or emotionally
Like you said once:

"I'll be here waiting- for moral support"

You were there-
You knew I was lying when you ask if I was fine
When I said:

"I am fine" with a broken smile

Yet you stayed and made sure I was to go home with a cheerful smile
You stayed and we talked for a while- oohhh we bought ice cream at that time too!

You were there-
When the time it was raining and I didn't brought my umbrella
And you lend me yours
And you walked- almost like running on the street
As the raindrops blur your vision

I was so grateful

Such wonderful memories!
And its still strong and going!

Going back to those times- even at this times
Makes me go crazy!
We're friends- and I don't want to confuse myself
With such sweet gestures.... With love

Because I don't know.....