Knees tucked to my chest
Wrap me in barbed wire and
Squeeze until I bleed
Until there's nothing left of me

Hang me by my feet
From the ceiling like a centerpiece
Make me useful and beautiful
Give purpose to this emptiness

Blood droplets beat the table
Let it soak in and stain the wood crimson
Call it art and leave it visible
Claim this mess we made intentional

When the rot begins to set
Just coat me in resin and metal
Bring worth to this worthlessness
Give this broken life eternal purpose

It feels like I've lived so many lives
Within these mere 24 years
I keep trying out different lifestyles
Making different choices
And yet so consistently weaved into
Each and every lifetime of mine
Are the echos of death calling out
When I'm fit and active I'm still hurting
The same as when I'm not
When I'm hydrated and eating healthily
My body feels a little lighter
But this heart weighs me down all the same
When I'm sober for almost 9 months
There are still so many days when
I want to give up and end it all
These types of reverberating emotions
Make me wonder if adults who **** themselves
Wanted to just as badly at 12
And 18
And 24

My heart breaks a little bit
Each time I talk to you
Yet still I reach out
As if one day you'll be
Back to that person I knew before
Not that who you are is bad
I just know it's my fault you changed
I stole pieces of you so often
Those days I couldn't handle the currents
I used you to stay afloat
As I dragged you into my darkest waters
I was so immature and so afraid
That I abandoned you as I swam away
I couldn't sit with the discomfort
Of watching you fall into your own storm
So I didn't take the time to help you
Find your way back home
Before I found a new buoy to save myself
And left you to drown on your own

I am on the edge, teetering
Cool breeze splashes across my cheeks
As pebbles crumble to the Earth beneath
Bitterness dances across my tastebuds
Fear and pain electrifying my bloodstream
I am both pushed forward by fear and
Pulled back by grief
My chest feels empty, cavernous
Lonely
At the top of this cliff I must realize
I have spent my entire existence
Scaling this mountain of labels and advice
Searching for my truth in the lies of many
Dissecting myself into pieces to find
Exactly the part that is wrong
The piece I can remove or fix
To suddenly become whole,
Real, valid,
Normal
Alive
And now
Standing upon the cliffside
Staring down at the jagged edges
Rexperiencing the solid footholds
The close calls,
The danger and the pain
I realize that my truth doesnt exist out here
There is nothing wrong with me,
This isn't that easy
I have reached the top, looked outwards and found nothing
I came in search of answers and found the truth instead
There are no answers
I am enough
My emotions are not the enemy
Who I really am is not an outward destination
My truth has and always will live within me
I have the power to change my life
I just need to
Be Still
Listen
And know

A previous apartment
An old town
Nothing but silent buildings and hollow walls
Yet my mind equates these
Empty spaces
With memories of freedom
With feeling alive
So I start to yearn for their physical presence
And once I'm there I feel disappointed
Because although I'm where I used to be
I'm not the same as I was
And that sense of self-assuredness
That sense of relief I'm seeking
Doesn't live in the drywall and clean pavement
It lived somewhere inside me then
And I'd like to believe that
Somewhere deep down
It's still alive
Just waiting to resurface

I've been avoiding thoughts of the future
Because I know what it's bringing
In just a few weeks you won't be here anymore
And I know it's just for three months
But it's three months
That's a long time to not see you
That's a long time to not hug you
You're my best friend
You make this town feel tolerable
And make it feel like I'm not alone
You mean so much to me

We've been through a lot together
And I've been too afraid to think about it
Too afraid that I've just been isolating
Instead of letting myself miss you
Instead of enjoying our remaining time together
I know a few weeks turns to a few days quickly
I know you'll be leaving soon
I know I'll have to say goodbye

I don't want to waste this time
Just because I'm too afraid to cry
And too afraid to feel vulnerable
That's not fair to either of us
I love you and I already miss you
It feels like we just started opening up again
And I know this isn't the end
It just feels like it right now

Tears stain my face and
You're coming over soon
So much of me wants to scrub them away
To not let you see how much I'm feeling
To not let you see how much I care
But I know that won't help
It's terrifying to let you see me
But I love you so much
I don't want to lose our connection
I won't let this fear rule me anymore
We're worth being vulnerable for

Dear 6 year-old me,

You're allowed to have feelings.
I'm sorry no one has told you that before
I know it's confusing to hear
When you were just guilted for getting angry
I promise that's not what you deserve
That's not the treatment you need
That's not going to help you grow
What it will do is teach you not to trust
Not just other people either
No, you'll learn not to trust even yourself
And that's the hardest part of it all
Because you have to live with you forever
And maybe that's part of the reason why
You'll be suicidal in 6 years
You'll start hurting yourself and
You'll feel stuck in a depression for
Almost an entire decade
Because you'll resent your feelings so much
That you'll bury them all with all your needs
Until you're nothing more than a mirror
Reflecting back to people
The things they want of you
Who they want you to be
What they want you to think and feel
You'll bury your feelings so deep
That you'll end up in abusive relationships
Because you're so used to being used
So used to being manipulated
And you just want to feel loved
And since love is an appropriate emotion
It's one of the few you can really feel
So you'll fall in love and think that
For love you have to do anything
Be anything
Even if it hurts
Even if you have to sensor yourself
All the way down to your thoughts
Just in case she asks what you're thinking
And you don't want to lie

I'm sorry if this all sounds scary to you
I promise it really is
Because human beings are social creatures
And feelings are integral to connection
And you weren't taught to connect
You never learned how to feel
No one showed you that it was ok
I promise that life isn't all bad though
Because you're going to learn to feel freely
I don't know when it'll happen yet
But I guarantee it will
We're 23 now and it's been getting better
It's still terrifying every single day
Every single moment when you make a choice
Between numbing to feel nothing at all
And letting yourself be as you are
It feels like a gun is at your head
And the most helpful option for you
Does not feel safe at all
Feeling isn't going to come easily
It will take so much time and energy
All of your patience and perseverance
But I know you'll get there
We'll get there
Because I'm here for you now
We'll learn how to feel together
Even when it's scary
Even when it's hard
I'll be right here with you
Because I love you
And it's ok to express your feelings
I promise I'm going to start listening now

With Love,
Carter

We're walking hand in hand
My partner and I
Following a paved path through the park
Our feet sink a little deeper in each step
As we cross into dewy grass
As I lay out our rainbow blanket
6 feet from water's edge
I'm lost in my own thoughts
So much so that I don't even notice
When you've stood up and
Walked to the water's edge
I only notice when I hear the water splash
You're already waist-deep when I reach the edge
"What are you doing?"
I yell and you simply stare at me with a smile in your eyes
Your arm extends and your fingertips beckon
You want me to join you
My mind starts spinning with excuses
I'm wearing jeans so the water would feel gross
I can't leave our things unattended
It's chilly today, we could get sick
There could be sharks in the water
You don't hear any of it
As you sink further into the cerulean abyss
Suddenly I am aware of my best friend
They're by your side and you both look happy
They reach their arms out to me too
I feel so alone on the shore
Yet my mind keeps feeding me reasons
To avoid taking the plunge
I rub my eyes and run my hands through my greasy hair
I look back up and now the animals have joined you
My sweet kittens and the brown dog
Very rapidly, everyone I care about
Emerges from the depths
My mom and her partner
My high school best friend
My college best friend
All of their arms outstretched towards me
The panic sets in as I lean over the edge
My own face reflects back at me
The image shimmers as tears fall into the water
My face remains entirely dry
As my reflection continues to cry
I don't understand
My loved ones continue to reach for me
So many arms aimed in my direction
It feels extremely threatening
Yet I know they're there to catch me
I decide to join them and
I can't step over the edge
My body doesn’t want to give in
A running start doesn't help either
As my feet are glued to the grass
Anxiety shocks all of my limbs
I feel so alone
I feel so scared
I am so close to where I want to be
But I'm still not there
I can see the path so clearly
I can see the safety net of my chosen family
And I still can't move

I feel possessed by these coping mechanisms
Spirits I once let in so freely
Opened myself to them as a home
In return, they kept me safe for many years
Until keeping me safe meant keeping me locked inside
Among them
Where I would be safe
Nothing could get in
Yet, soon enough I realized
I could no longer get out
And now I'm sitting here
At the edge of my consciousness
Banging against the metal bars
Begging for a way out
And sometimes they do
Let me out
To breathe a moment
Let me off the leash to prove to them
That I am safe enough to be free
And it feels amazing and weightless
Like I am fluid and free
Until the moment I feel threatened
And my panic calls out to those spirits again
They sooth me and care for me
Gently washing over me and
Managing the stress with ease
Until I am calm
Sitting snugly behind
The metal bars again

I walk along the river
A lightly treaded path
Untouched by most
Where did my adventurous spirit go
I no longer feel the thrill.
Where are you?
I wonder as I gaze across the water
Why am I here?
My fingers graze the long grasses
Careful as the muddy path narrows
Bending closer towards the water
Each step becomes calculated
I can hear the ground
Mushing under my shoes
My heavy heart weighing me down
Dragging my legs like lead
Down down down
I want to stop
I want to turn back
This road is so lonely
And I feel so lost
Screams echo in my mind
Past mistakes and present expectations
Clang and screech
Like metal on metal
As my legs tremble beneath me
Giving out til the mud ***** in my knees
And my hands grasp at the sopping ground
I want to dig my fingernails into something
Anything solid
Crawling and pulling
I drag myself forward
Until my body collapses into the water
Like a lifeless sponge
The current pulling me in like sweet release
Except when I finally sit up
And stare into these depths beneath me
My reflection doesn't exist
Instead
The sky stares back at me
Blue and promising
And i know i need to keep walking
Because I'm not there yet

These scars lay on my skin
Delicately placed by surgical blades
Carefully crafted into my skin
They are art
They are a part of me
As always
I love these residual lacerations
This brail across my body
Telling my story for me
To those primed to receive it
The soft pink tissue raises slightly on my right
Agitated and stretched
Red from my inability to afford
Additional healing time away from work
Imperfect
Uneven
Visible
Beautiful
I love these pieces of myself
I love watching their journey
Through recovery and lifting
Feeling the changes tingle across my skin
As my body begins to trust me again

Anything brighter than the darkness
Can feel like the warmest light
For half your days in half your life
You were entombed in the night
The other half felt better
Like a breath of fresh air
Although the sadness still choked you
It felt easier there
There were still pitch black moments
Though you claimed you just blinked
You couldn't acknowledge the truth
Otherwise into despair you would sink
Many years have since gone
Many spent feeling alone and distressed
Until suddenly everything went grey
You even stopped feeling depressed
What once held positive memories
Then simply displayed a blank screen
An empty, monotone canvas
You asked "What does it mean?"
Do you think now of the phrase
About not seeking out truth
Until you're truly ready for answers?
As you stare into the face of your lost youth?
Because while you did have a place
Where light shone much more often
You didn't realize how many parts of care
Were still being forgotten
You had food and peace at times
You had shelter and space too
What you didn't have was emotional safety
Or a support system to talk to
Yes, you got to go to therapy
And that helped open a door
Yet you never even questioned why
She knew of the abuse and didn't do more
There were still so many broken promises
You still had to be strong
There were so many ways out
It went on far too long
Someone should have done more for you
To protect and give you care
To let you have emotions and feel safe
But they didn't and that's unfair
You deserved love, respect, and kindness
And every day you still do
I know I couldn't make the loneliness leave then
But now I will always be here for you

I feel you within me
Such a small child
Not the smallest one there
But definitely the most confident

With hands torn up
You can always see the blood
You always made me see it too
Saying that we can't forget our roots

That's how you keep yourself safe
How you keep me safe
You tell me you are the sole protector
There is no one else
Even when there should have been
And it's been so long that
You can't remember what you deserve
So you believe there never can be anyone else again

Even though I'm the oldest
You've always been the adult
Except I realzied that no matter how you feel
No matter how grown you needed to be
To take care of yourself and everyone else
You can never really be an adult
Because you're just a child
A kid that should've been loved
Should've been taken care of
Shown what it means to be a person

Instead?
You were alone and neglected
Left to your own care and coping
Slowly building up walls to stay safe
While quietly begging for someone to tear them down
To say it's ok to be small and
It's ok to feel pain
To feel anything

Instead?
You were left in the dark
Latching onto any form of light you could
Grades, writing, drugs, love
They all gave you something
Made you feel something
But love gave the biggest rush

Love was the answer
That missing piece you so desperately needed
With the most striking light
So you sought out the brightness in others
Even though some of those people
Were just wearing headlamps
Whose batteries died out very quickly
Leaving you cold and stuck in the dark
With their problems piled onto your own

And a few times we met the one
The one who could love us deeply
The one who saw us
Gave us undying love and support
And when you finally have access to
The light that you craved most
The one thing that you never had
That type of light no longer feels warm and inviting

It feels sharp and painful
It illuninates the truth that you've been avoiding
The fact that you were emotionally neglected
You raised yourself and lost your childhood
You're alone and you're lonely
And the only way to make it stop
Is to tear down those walls that kept you safe
The ones you think still do

And so
As the "adult"
You've made some tough choices that you regret
Because you think you're protecting yourself
You can't take back things you've said
Or fix the feelings you've hurt
It's just a part of this ride
You don't trust me as the real adult
Because you can't trust anyone

And yet,
I can take care of us now
I love you and it's ok to be small
Because you are small and scared and
So very very lonely

It's ok to have feelings and to let people in
Life is scary and things will go wrong
But you can always trust that I will keep us safe
We don't need the walls or the numbing
We are strong
We are safe
And we deserve love

You may have damaged my soul
But you don't get to steal my art

It's like I've been trapped in a sea of snow
Frozen into nothingness
Numb to feelings and new experiences
Unable to process anything
As my energy slowly depletes
Leaving me feeling less and less alive.

I have just recently learned how
To elbow out some room to breathe
Some room for me
Just enough to give me hope
Just enough movement
To break cracks into the ceiling.

Hairline fractures barely let in the light
But it's enough to feel a sense of warmth
A fire ignited in my stiff bones
My frozen limbs and organs
Slowly beginning to thaw.

It's hard to know what to do with it
This anger that's much more
Than the nothingness that came before it
I've learned that I have to pace myself
Too much and I'll burn myself
Not enough and I freeze again.

But I am angry.
I'm angry at you
And I'm angry at me.
I just want to be free
From this cell of ice that you built for me.
The one I helped maintain
Because you had your nails dug so deep within me
That I cut myself when you left
To mimic that torment
To attempt to function
Through the withdrawal.

The pain you inflicted fueled me
Made me feel alive
And hurting myself couldn't even compare
Because it wasn't enough.
It wasn't you.
It wasn't us.

I was addicted to your energy
To the power you held over me
To that chaos that mimicked my past
So much so
It felt like home.

And that's where I struggle most
Because history repeats itself
And I should've known
That there was never safety in that home
Just emptiness and loneliness
Anxiety and pain
The need to lie to everyone
To ****** or suffocate pieces of myself
So that I could survive
To be whoever anyone needed me to be

Because I didn't matter
I didn't even exist
So why am I surprised to feel that way again?

Although I've survived this **** before
Now my survival skills are
What keep me frozen in place
And learning to love yourself
Feels way more painful
Than learning to hate.

What do I actually want
When I'm craving a high?
What need am I trying to satisfy
By drowning myself in a bottle?
I want to escape
I want to feel joy and freedom
I don't feel that now
I feel like drugs will bring those feelings
Even for just a moment
And sure, they might
But then I'll just think that
The drugs are what makes me happy
When it's actually the feeling of peace and happiness
The things I'm actually craving
That will make me happy
But, the human brain is flawed
And it will just see the drugs
And make me want them again

I can feel myself running away
In handfuls of bread
And mind-numbing multitasking
Trying to create a noise so loud
That it'll drown out the one in my head
The one that tells me I'm broken
The one saying I'm a waste of space
And wasting this life away

I am wasting time
With every bite not led by hunger
Every second half-watching television
While scrolling emptily through my phone
These meaningless moments just remove more meaning
******* it away from myself and my life
Draining my emotional energy because
I'm not letting it recharge
So then I can sleep rather than create
So I can avoid the thoughts and feelings
That are telling me
No, begging me
To do something
To feel something

But it's been a long time

And sometimes feeling nothing

Can feel better than feeling

Lonely

I feel trapped
Confined in this media hellstorm
How easy it is to numb out
To drown out these thoughts
These feelings
These aspects of myself
Under the static of technology
I just want to exist and to
Connect with myself again
And yet I keep tuning in
To tune it all out
I dont even like what im watching
I dont enjoy doing this over and over again
It feels so compulsive
So uncontrollable that
I want to just sell my TV
Return to a dumb phone again
Rid myself of these technological terrors
Because for some reason
I can't just walk away
And I can feel the clocks ticking
As these precious moments are wasting away
And slipping through my fingertips

I wonder if cats have self esteem
And if so
Is their self worth as fragile as ours?
Do they develop that voice inside
That feeds them lies
About whether or not they're good enough?
Do they question why they were born
With long hair instead of short?
Or get self conscious about a broken tail?
Do they wish they had better owners?
Or that their owners understood them better?
Are they sensitive about their weight?
Or the length of their claws?
Do they wish they had soft orange hair
Instead of plush black fur?
Or do they love themselves entirely?
Understanding that they matter and that
Their worth isn't defined by other people?
Do they just live their lives fully
Paying no mind to anyone's judgement?
Are they happy with themselves?
Why aren't we?

If my younger self were still around
I wonder what they'd think of me
I can't help but think that
They'd be confused
They wouldn't recognize me as theirself
I'd be just another burnt out adult
Scary and unable to epathize
Enough to really understand me
I imagine I'd feel alone and anxious
Staring at this strange reflection
A mutated image
Warped in the rings of teardrops
That stain this puddle under my feet
Where did the curiosity go?
What about the intense emotions?
Any emotions really
I think I'd be afraid
To come face to face with
The future that is my present day

I know that there's so many things
Positive features of this life
That I never could have imagined then
I am still living and breathing
Taking care of myself
Loving and being loved so deeply
I didn't think I'd see 18
Let alone 23
And yet
I can't help but believe
That all the experiences that led me here
Would scare younger me
Enough to change my story
Because there were so many times
I wanted to
And sometimes
I still do

But I know I'm still growing
And there's still time for me
To learn who I am
To celebrate my flaws and strengths
To love myself wholeheartedly
To simply be me
It's just hard sometimes

I want to write
To feel my feelings freely
Spilling from the edge of my lips
Pouring across my bare skin
Inch by inch
I pray for waves
Drowning my body endlessly
Chaotic and
Entirely free
Naturally

Til then I settle for this
Drip by aching drip
Breaking up this fierce drought
Plagued by emptiness
I can feel something's missing
But I know I'm getting closer
Closer to understanding
Closer to becoming whole
Closer to seeing me

As the river whispers louder
And the air grows more humid
I continue on this path to freedom
Moment by moment
Word by word
Feeling by feeling
Until I am submerged completely
And still breathing

Sometimes I get stuck
And it's hard to tell if I'm ok
But I can always tell that I'm unwell
When I get the urge to talk to you
You do not help me
You do not make me feel positive
And yet I have this urge
To speak to you
To give you the power to hurt me
To give you the power to break me
To take me
To abuse me
To use me
Until I am nothing more
Than an object
Your object
Not a person
Not a set of feelings
Emotionless
Dead
Yet serving a purpose
Useful
Meaningful
Something a little more than
The nothingness I feel

I used to feel the darkness inside me
I didn't want it to touch anyone else
I felt afraid for the people in my life
I kept myself ten arms length away
I'm sure they saw parts of me the best
But I couldn't stomach that thought
I know now that the darkness isn't real
It still feels just as real as it used to
I know I'm not bad though
It just feels like I am
I wasn't allowed to feel when I was young
I had to sacrifice my own feelings
Or I could not have survived
And survive I did
I was taught that feeling made me bad
That my feelings were unlovable
Emotional numbness saved my life then
But it doesn't help me anymore
And I want to turn it off so badly
I just don't know how to do that yet
I'm learning about myself and my feelings
I still feel so afraid
I feel afraid to see myself and let others see me
I still feel like a bad person who deserves the pain
I still feel alone and tortured in my head
I still feel afraid of my feelings
I am starting to love myself though
And despite being petrified of emotion
I am excited to learn more of who I am
And I'm excited to get better

I love myself
I love myself
I keep telling myself
I love myself
Because I know that
I need to love myself
And if I stop saying it
I'll believe it much less
Than I already do.

Eyes ache with loads of uncried tears
As my chest caves with the weight of
A heart that can't live freely
I just want to live
I want to be alive
I want to be free in this life
To have one at all
Because I'm so stuck right now
Trapped behind my own mind
And I'm grateful that it's protected me
But I am safe now
I don't need such high security
I don't need to be on guard with everyone
It's ok to be afraid and to not trust
But it doesn't help if I can't open up
I feel so alone
Yet I maintain that same state
I have people that truly care and love me
But I don't let them see me
My mind doesn't want to be vulnerable
It thinks others will see it as a weakness
And the weakest are the easiest to break
I'm afraid to get hurt again
I can't handle becoming another target
Which is extremely ironic considering
I'm the one the aiming the gun
At the most genuine piece of my soul

Paper. Pen.
    Let's write out our feelings.
    "I'm having a rough time."
Cell phone
Online recipes.
    I should cook that soon.
Hotel websites.
    Free breakfast? Eh I'm vegan now so just fruit.
    Swimming pool? I'm sure it'll be busy
    Fitness center. Leo wants to run in the morning.
    Booked. Could be a good night.
Paper. Pen.
    Right. Writing.
    "I can tell journaling is helpful
    because I'm resistant to doing it."
Text messages.
    Leo thinks they were too mean to me.
    I think I deserve it.
    I love you.
Paper. Pen.
    Hm. I should write some poetry.
Photos.
    Wow look at how my face has changed, let's make a collage.
    Oo what else.
    Body pictures.
    Pre-surgery picture.
    Damm I've really sculpted up.
    Reconsiders feeling gross physically.
    Arguable.
Paper. Pen.
    How easy it is to ignore you.
    How easy it is to ignore myself
    And not listen to my feelings.

Bring me to life
Let in the light
Free my tormented soul
As I wait,
Alone with this empty horizon.

Slowly, but surely
Loneliness fades as the mountains rise up to meet me
Billowing above
Silhouetted across the sky
Stoic and unmoving
Their life runs so deeply across the earth
Without the posions of fear and hate
To disrupt their simplicity
And their complexity
They are pure existence
And this moment is everything
So I join them.

Air coats my throat and fills my lungs
Allowing the vibration of energy
Radiating from all that surrounds me
To dance across my skin
Through my body and
Into my bloodstream

I am by myself on this road
But I cannot feel lonely
Every inch of nature that surrounds me
Has invited me into their energy
Into their space and sense of freedom
Pure acceptance
No judgement
From the wisps of white dancing through blue shades of infinity
To the neverending marathon of greenery, fields and shrubs jog to the edge of forever
I cannot be alone
As my heartbeat joins the rhythm of the universe

Loud noises set me off
It's like they ricochet across the room
Echoing off of every single surface
And end by stabbing all the nerves in my body
I try to keep calm through them
But my emotions skip the step
Where my body warns me I'm upset
And suddenly I'm yelling at my cat
Or grabbing him by the scruff
All because he repeatedly paws at his food dish
And I can't handle the sound of the ceramic
As it clangs against the hardwood floor
And just as suddenly as I yelled
An intense hatred toward myself arises
Choking out all of my energy
I collapse back on my bed and wish I were dead
Until the noise starts again
And I'm back to seeing red

The walls are up, I can feel them
My hands skim the cool wire fence that
Separates me from my inner workings
The edge of my consciousness
I want to get inside
A false sense of bravery is all it is
Because when the gate opens and I walk in
The feelings throw me to the ground
With a force I can't understand
Holding me down by the throat
Bits of past horrors flash across my vision
Thick adrenaline floods my muscles
But I can't breathe
I can't use the energy to fight or flee
I'm trapped
I can hear voices whispering darkness
Insults and judgement whipping my flesh
I can't move
I can't even blink
And suddenly I can
But my body is once more
Curled up against
That cold cold barrier
And I want inside again

My legs and arms feel like they're stuck in mud
Trapped in a swamp of murky memories
A liquid so thick it hurts my lungs to fight the sinking
But theres no reflection here
So I won't let it swallow me
Most of the time I forget I'm fighting
The pain is so typical my body feels numb to it sometimes
But when I'm not rejecting my reality
Or repressing my circumstances
The all too familiar feeling
Anchors my body down so heavily
That even the idea
Of continuing to fill my lungs each moment
Is exhausting and debilitating.

The rare moments when I let myself feel things are excruciating
Anxiety claws through my chest
Like a rabid raccoon fighting for freedom
As terror bubbles through each of my muscles,
The only remainder of proof left
From the unspeakable and disgusting acts of others,
The memories I don't have anymore
The ones I choose to forget.

And yet they still keep trying so hard
To **** me into them
To make me remember them.
I didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask him to touch me.
I didn't ask her to hit me.
But I'm the one who's still stuck here
Fighting my past
Fighting myself
There's no reflection in this sludge of memories
Because I can't bring myself to look for one
I'm afraid that if I see myself in it
See what they did to me
See what I didn't do to stop it
I'll lose the last bit of sanity
That I am so desperately holding on to

I think of you a lot
Though not in the way I used to
Before
I'd be much more be preoccupied with sadness
Even about happy memories
But now it's a lot of anxiety instead
Anxiety about wanting to talk to you
But not knowing what to say
Deciding on the general idea
But getting hung up on the tone
And in every text I do send
I am rereading every individual word
Trying to ensure that I don't
Come across as too invested or
Overstep some invisible boundary
Because I don't trust that I can do that
Without hurting you or
Making you want to run away
And athough someday you wont be in my life
I'd rather it not start today

I feel scared to leave my house to go for a walk
Because I'm worried I'll get mugged or *****
Any noise in my house sets off
The myriad of alarms in every cell of my body
Whether I think it's a person or a ghost
The fear fills my limbs with electricity
I feel anxious about going to the gym alone
Because I feel like everyone is staring at me
Sometimes I'm afraid to text my ex who's now a friend
Because I'm preoccupied with worrying
About what they're thinking of me
When I work as a delivery driver
I won't go into backyards at night
Anytime I am around other people
I am afraid that they will hurt me
So I keep my guard up high
Hypervigilant to any animosity
But when I think about facing real danger
I get extremely overwhelmed
If I feel this unhinged by basic life experiences
How would I ever survive a real crisis?
My fight or flight is set off so often
That it's basically become my new baseline
I know it's the PTSD that causes it
And I know that I can get better
But sometimes I just feel so hopeless
Because I want to go for simple walks
I want going to the gym to be an easy decision
I want to spend time with people
To connect with people
Without worrying that they'll hurt me
Or that they secretly hate me
I want to live my life wholeheartedly
Not constantly in fear of something unseen
I want to be able to feel and exist openly
And really have a chance to be myself
To live a life that makes me happy
And I can't do that if I'm constantly
Running from shadows and
Hiding from reality behind doors and screens
I want to break out and be free
But behind any and all of my emotions
Lies a thick layer of fear
And I just keep running

When did things change so much?
When did I get so encapsulated
Into the world of technology?
When did I stop listening
To myself and my own thoughts
And instead add another view
To some article or YouTube video
Just to reach some spoon-fed "opinion"?

When did we stop engaging
In life and with ourselves?
When did playing video games turn to
Watching other people play them online
Numbing our brains to the world
And "filling" our social needs digitally?
When did watching television turn into
Binge-watching an entire series in one sitting?

With this much constant stimulation
It's no wonder we're bored so easily
And that no one goes outside anymore
And that I don't feel alive anymore
Because one of the first things I do
When I get home from work or the gym
Is turn on the smart tv so it can warm up
Because the apps on it take time to load
And I already know that my free time
Will be spent in front of that screen

Lately I've been nervous about
Eventually moving in with new people
Primarily because I spend a lot of my time
Passively using the television
I was concerned with how we'd balance our usage
Instead of considering changing the way I spend my time

When did I start placing my use of technology
Above my own self-care?
When I spend hours watching YouTube
But still forget to take a shower sometimes
And I truly wonder if my recent urges
To leave the state to work on a farm for a month
Are more indicative of some deep desire
To unplug and reset my energy and priorities
Than my interest in agriculture or
Learning to live off of the land

When did I start to feel the need
To take such drastic measures
To change something so simple
Something I could choose to disengage with
At the simple touch of a button?

I realized I was definitely
Capable of loving more than one person
As I stood ****** in a bar
Positioned at a table between
My partner and my ex-fiance
My ex and I had gotten food beforehand
My first time seeing them in a year and a half
And I swore to everyone that it wasn't gay
I believed it too for awhile
Up until they said they didn't want kids
Which was part of my own logic used
To explain our incompatibility
Hearing their stories made my heart ache
All of the things I'd missed in their life
All the things they missed in mine
Then that night at the bar
When a performer was called on stage
My ex mentioned that she was my favorite
A small fact I didn't think they'd remember
Yet it carried such a significant feeling
That left my heart heavy and fractured
And when my partner looked at me I felt guilty
They must be able to see it
To sense it
These residual feelings
That I swore were not there and were
Definitely not gay
And while lost in my mind
My ex looked at me and asked if I was ok
They could still see me
I wanted to run away
My mind kept screaming for an escape
And yet I also heard a whispered voice
Reminding me that this time with them
Would be the last quality time I'd have
Before we returned to being strangers
So I shouldn't waste it
Because as much as I crave their friendship
I know in my heart it'd never work
Friends would never be the word
It's always been and
Probably always would be
Something much more than that
So I'll let it go
I'll let myself mourn these feelings
Despite the dreadful pain of it all
Because we all deserve to be happy
And by giving up this ill-fated dream
I know one day I can be

My heart broke 700 times

I'm glad you found your closure
It feels like it opened a cavity in my chest
A billowing hole ******* the air
From out of my lungs and
Away from my brain
Away from the sanity I've created
Where I thought I felt secure
But instead the infrastructure was so weak
That the simple memories you mentioned
Left a mark on me yet again
As my heavy heart weighs me to my bed
And I wish so desperately to be alone
I feel as though I'm dying
I must accept reality as it is
I know that all too well
That's why I agreed to meet
To see you
To see me
To see us
Now
We're different than we once were
And while I understand how and why
My soul mourns the moment
And I know I should just live it fully
Because so soon it'll pass
And once again
We'll be strangers on the street
One heart armored with reinforced steel
The other a sloppy mess of
Broken shards and what ifs
Rotting until it turns to ash
And new flowers bloom from its death

What an ironic place of mind
When something I've wanted for awhile
Finally presents itself
And I'm overwhelmed so intensely
By anxiety and sadness

How long have I hoped to meet up?
How many times had I mentioned coffee?
Yet here I am
Three days before I see you
For the first time in a year and a half
And I feel so sad

It's as though
I am finally mourning the loss
Of someone who was my best friend
Finally letting myself feel about you
All of the things I've repressed

It has been a long time
We both must be so different now
What would that mean for this?
Do we meet up once
Play a game of catch up
Then resume the path of strangers?
Or do we try to be friends again
And run the risk of pain and heartache?

Does our intense shared anxiety
At just the sight of each other
Signal a similar message
A similar desire within us both?
Or am I stuck within a fantasy
Lying to myself that this could work
That you could be in my life again

We were not made to be lovers
And I don't believe in happenstance
I do think we came together for a reason
Just as we've become reconnected now
The city may be small
But this has to be more than coincidence
You were my best friend back then
And I know I hurt you deeply
But part of me hasn't stopped believing
That our lives staying connected
Is something that's meant to be

And I know that
When I'm sitting anxiously in my car
Outside the cafe where we're set to meet
Thoughts racing faster than my heart beats
I'll have to fully prepare myself
To find out that you disagree

An electrical fence
Lines the inside of my body
Within it I can feel
The semblance of emotions
As they throw themselves
Furiously against the wires
Electric tremors flare through my limbs
Waves of whispered feelings
Tear through my muscles
Begging and screaming for me
To let them live and breathe freely
But my mind tells me not to
It says I can't trust my feelings
And if I am not my emotions
Then I can still trust myself
I'm told that feeling is dangerous
That it hurts other people more
Than not feeling hurts me
And how can I argue with that?
But the feelings keep screaming
They keep scratching at the floor and
Infuriating their essence with electricity
Please just let me be
Please just set me free
I'm suffocating under the pressure
Ripping apart from this tug of war
My brain promises that I'm fine
My feelings say that's a lie
All I know is that I'm tired
I just want a break
I can't fight like this forever
And it's not just me
While I'm exhausted and in pain
Those around me don't see
They think this is just me
But I can't connect to them
With my emotions behind bars
Theres no room for empathy
No room for intimacy
I am alone
Yet I can't feel lonely
What a well-oiled machine
This human without feelings

My hand hesitates above the button
"Unblock"
Just millimeters away from my fingertips
Pieces of your life could appear in seconds
With just a little pressure
Yes, I know last time this hurt me
But maybe this time will be different
What's one more time
Just one more visit to your page
Gently the button clicks and your name disappears
I search it and easily find your page
A lot has happened since I last checked
And it's funny because
Even though I'm reading them
The poems themselves tell me nothing
Like mine, theres no way to know
Who it is you are speaking of
Though every so often
I read one that hits me in the gut
It makes my heart hurt and my stomach curl
Because I'm almost sure that
The person you're writing of is me
And you are still hurting
You're still angry at me
I want to like the poem
I want to open a door for you to see
So maybe I can help give you closure
I'm itching for you to talk to me
And as my finger
Renters a state of hovering
Over yet another virtual button
I realize that it wouldn't help you
I'd only be hurting you further
And I don't want to do that to you
I realize that my missing our friendship
Is solely a desire of mine
And it would be cruel
To drop in on your life again
I'm sorry for what I did
And I'm sorry I'm struggling so much
To let that piece of us go
But your feelings about me are clear
So even though it hurts to read
Just how much I destroyed you
I think it's just what I needed
To stop getting my hopes up
And to stop pressing your buttons

I have these realizations sometimes
And somehow I'm surprised
Did you know I mistreated you
In ways you never said?

You said I didn't take you seriously
No, I didn't treat you like a person
See, even though I was raised as a woman
I was raised in a system that told me that
Women are less than
And I never believed it consciously
But my best friend at the time
Treated women like others
And the system and my surroundings
Wore off on me in ways I'm not proud of

I'm not making excuses anymore
I take responsibility for my actions
I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry
That I never listened to you
That I let him and myself
Speak to you the ways we did

It surprised me that you talked to him again
I can't help but wonder if you're friends now
Before you left you were afraid of him
I just hope you know your worth
I hope you remember you matter
Because you deserve to be respected

It took me some time and some space
To realize my mistakes
Actually it took having someone else
Experience what you put up with
And calling me out for it

But you were raised in the same system
Brought up in these twisted gender roles
I just hope you don't believe in it
Cause life is a lot better
When you don't feel invisible

I feel so torn
I love them a lot
Except I feel like
I can't love them as freely as I want to
Because they remind me of an ex
I want so desperately to let go of
I want to move on with my life
And to love them entirely for them
Without the ripples of her
Skating across my perception
I feel trapped in my mind sometimes
Living through past memories
That only make me feel sadness now
And I wonder if that closure I seek
Can occur if I can forgive myself
For hurting her so much
How can I take responsibility and
Embrace my faults and mistakes
While also forgiving myself for them?
Forgive myself for hurting her?
Especially after realizing that
My emotional unavailability caused it
And I understand that I must remain compassionate
And I must accept the things I cannot change
It's just hard not to shame myself
When the blame fits so perfectly
In the palms of my hands

Dear Bri,

I've put this letter off the longest
Because it doesn't come from anger
And although it may resemble it
It does not come from regret either
This letter just comes from my soul
From me
From a place I can finally trust

This letter differs from the rest
Because I want it to be a mix
Between explanation and closure
And the others I didn't want them to read
But part of me hopes you do see this
I just finally think I understand
Why I had to leave

First of all
I never used you
Not one time
You learned that I'm fiercely independent
And I hope you know it was never
Ever
Ever
About money for me
Or about your home town
Or your fathers property
No that relationship was about love
I loved you

See, the thing about love
The thing I didn't know about
Was that it changes over time
There are not always sparks
Even so, those fade eventually
And from there you must create deeper ties
Connect to one another on a new level
That is the point at which I failed

I know you hated how
I always explained my behavior by my past
And for that I am not sorry
What I am sorry for is the fact that
I did not step up
I did not know how to grow with life
How to let go of the pain
How to move forward
Instead I hid the pain behind drugs
Legal and prescribed
And behind other people's affection
I pushed away the pain
Because it hurt way too much
I was not ready to face it
I had no idea how to do that
And by not accepting my real feelings
I not only blunted the unhelpful ones
But the pleasant ones as well

By not dealing with my past
By not allowing myself to heal
I could not have allowed myself
To love you

It's been over a week since
I wrote the first half of this
It's hard to find the right words
It's hard to open my heart
On something so sensitive
As a love that I ended prematurely
I want to let you go though
We both deserve to be happy again
And I am, most days
But I need to acknowledge my heart
Allow myself to be sad one last time
I want to be entirely honest with you

You've been the hardest person
For me to let go of recently
Now that you live in town again
I think about you a lot
When I'm driving through campus
Past the engineering building
When I'm walking back to my car
Memories constantly surface of us
Like when you left that phone number
On the windshield of my car
And it was to some Pizza Hut in DC
Or driving through the town where we lived
Surrounded by white snow
Singing different parts to Pentatonix
Or when we spent Christmas with your family
And we connected through the calm of a place
So far from the city
As we chopped down a tree and
Played video games under warm blankets
Or even when we sat on the edge of a cliff in St. Francis
And I told you I felt nothing when we kissed
So so many memories
Of love
Of pain
Of a connection
Of my best friend

And it's not that I want to be together again
We are very different people and
I really am happy again
And I don't want to make you sad
Or make you feel anything bad
Because no matter what I care about you
I just need to reprocess everything
With the recognition that
That relationship would have lasted
If, back then,
I were the person I am now

See,
We may have been entirely different
And we definitely had our issues
But you were right when you said
That I couldn't commit
Because I couldn't commit to myself either

I couldn't love myself
I couldn't believe in myself
I couldn't process the trauma
I had no idea how to
I didn't know what to do
I felt only pain all of the time
Underneath everything else
I always had a sadness hanging onto me
I was emotionally unavailable
I didn't know how to love
I didn't know what love meant
Because I never loved myself
And I don't believe that line
That you can't love someone else
Until you love yourself first
But it sure makes it easier

Back then,
I didn't trust myself
So I let everyone else lead my life
I never questioned the path either
I just accepted life as it was
Because I didn't believe that I could change it
Which leaked into our relationship
Because if there was something I needed
Or something I was unhappy with
I could have tried to talk about it
I made the choice not to

I used to self-sabotage a lot
Before I realized that I didn't have to
I could feel those urges anytime
But that did not mean I had to carry them out
I lived entirely by my emotions at that time
When I was sad, nothing could be positive
When I was angry, I had to let it out
I did not even consider that
My actions and my emotions
Are two entirely different things

I have grown so much since then
I'd like to hope you'd be proud
Because despite anything I've said or done
I still care about how you feel
And how you see me
I'm always tempted to check your writing
But now I can distinguish between
My helpful and unhelpful urges
So I do not allow myself to try
You deserve your privacy
And I deserve to not let these residual feelings
Interfere with my life now

I just want you to know that
I messed up when I hurt you
I made a choice for us both
Instead of sitting down together
To talk and figure out how we both felt
I don't think I could have figured myself out
If I hadn't left when I did

Because since then
I went through a toxic relationship
That empowered me almost as much as it broke me
And I hurt some people along the way too
I thought I loved people I really didn't
I did acid and developed positive habits as a result
I actually take care of myself now
And most of the time I like myself
Often I even love myself
I stopped doing drugs
I finally trust myself and
I listened to myself for once
And I'm changing my career path now
I learned to be mindful of my feelings
And to not take them out on those I love
I learned what love means
I developed more compassion
I learned to be assertive
And entirely honest and real
I learned who I am

And now I'm here
An entirely different person
Writing a final letter to you
A person who I loved
Who's also entirely different now
But someone who could have been my forever
Once upon a time

But I'd like to believe in fate
And trust that all of this
Is exactly what needed to happen
For both of us to grow into ourselves
And I can't speak for you
But you will always be in my heart
Thank you for the years we spent together
Thank you for teaching me that life isn't all bad
Thank you for being there for me
For being patient and kind and for loving me
Thank you for being you
I truly hope that you find happiness
I wish you peace and love
And everything good
And I wish the same for me

Dear Sam,

Your ex
Who happens to be my best friend
Opened up to me the other day
About how they used to resent me
Because of the way you treated them
When I entered into poly with you
Which is entirely understandable
Especially considering that you
Decided to tell them something big
While you guys were out with friends
You just couldn't wait to tell them
That you didn't think that you were poly
Because you thought you only loved me
Yet I never heard this from you
****, I never even saw it much
Whenever you complimented me
You balanced it with one about them
Which I thought was fine
Because they're a really good person
Little did I know that you were
Being so abusive to them all the time
While telling me how much you love them

I think what ****** me off the most
About all of this ****
Is that I felt that I was done with you
I stopped thinking about it all
Either I'd processed all I needed to
Or I was repressing all the damage
Because you caused a **** ton
But finding this out?
It makes me so ******* angry
Because you had them believing
That things were great between us
And made me believe the same about you two
While you emotionally abused and
Deeply manipulated both of us
On such a level that
Certain songs give me anxiety
And I get flashbacks of you
Of us
Sitting in your house in the dark
The only light coming from candles
Music playing over the speakers
An ambient setting that
Holds so much pain
From both positive and negative experiences

Yet those don't even feel like memories
They feel like something I saw in a movie
Because by the end of those long 6 months
You brought me so close to the ground
That I still taste dirt when I breathe

I hate that you're in my head again
Because I was fine before this
Before hearing even more
Or the torture you put them through
And how the pain you inflicted on me
The pain that causes dark anxiety
Upon seeing any Jeep vehicle
Paled in comparison
To the ways you abused and hurt them
How ******* dare you
They were nothing but loving and caring to you
I could've screamed with joy when they left you.

I hope it burns.
I hope you know you're abusive.
I hope you think of us often.
And I hope you get help
And never do this ever again.

Dear Kailey,

This needs to be my last letter to you
And I don't even want you to read it
This is just for me and my own health
For so long I let other people
Dictate what was right and wrong
Especially with my own opinions and thoughts
Because I didn't trust my perspective
And I should not have permitted that
From you or from anyone
Ironically
The time that drives me mad
Occurred in one of our last conversations
Where I acknowledged the fact that
I might have still had feelings for you
But I didn't want anything like that from you
I just wanted to be open and honest
Yet you took it as me being cocky
And tried to take a jab at me
"I like how you assume I'd want to get back with you"
Which would've been an honest misunderstanding
If just two weeks earlier
You hadn't been trying to **** me
And then cover that with claims that
You still had feelings for me
And because I didn't trust myself
And because you assumed I was being shady
I must have been right?
So I created many different reasonings
That fit both my actions and your perception
But, here's the only truth
I did not want anything from you
We had talked about being friends
Ethically I wanted to explain myself
I wouldn't want to start a friendship
If you didn't know what I was feeling
But you believed what you wanted
Then decided to ghost me from there

Little did you know
I had immediately deleted your number
So about a month later
When you texted me out of nowhere
I only knew it was you because
After all the years I know half of your number
But it's not like you wanted to talk
In a way that friends do
No, you most likely were feeling
Either lonely as ****
Or you weren't getting enough attention
And you suddenly remembered I exist
Because you always thought I was a safe bet
The person who would always be there
Except that's an abusive expectation
Unconditional positive regard
That's a therapy technique
It's not made for relationships
Or human connections
So when you consistently use me
While your boyfriend is in the hospital
Or he's in a rough place and can't
***** you the way you want
When you text me after so much silence
Expecting me to even respond at all
And honestly I didn't want to

Initially I planned to ignore the message
Or just delete it
But why would I give you the power
To create your own narrative for my behavior?
So you can text me again in a few days
As if I was just busy and forgot to respond
Because I'm always here right?
Absolutely not
Not anymore
I'm done with your dramatic ****
With your inconsistencies and
Your using of me as an object of
Comfort and safety
I deserve better than that
And since you don't respect me
Enough to give me that consideration
Then I'll do it myself

And just in case you think I'll regret it
Or change my mind some day
Keep in mind that your grossly passive response
(A singular "oh"
To my assertive request not to talk to me again)
Immediately reinforced my decision
To put myself first
Because I love myself now
And I deserve much better than that
And I owe you
Nothing.

I hope this is the last set of letters
Because I am so tired
Of hanging onto these things that
Happened so long ago now
And allowing other people
To have this type of control over me
I love myself now and
That really is an amazing thing
I didn't even like myself back then
I couldn't even comprehend the idea
That I could care about myself this way
And that's exactly the reason
Why all of these past occurrences
Suffocate my thoughts so much
Because I cannot fathom how
People who claimed they loved me
Could treat me the way they did
How I could let them
Use me and
Abuse me and
Manipulate me to such a degree
Where I stayed in those conditions
For much longer than I should have
The reason I haven't let go yet
Has nothing to do with my exes
It has to do with the ways in which
I allowed important people
Those who I shared love and a life with
To hurt me so deeply
It is not about the people
It is not about their names
It is not even about the individual love
It is solely about me and
The love I carry for myself now
And my own inability to comprehend
How I could hurt myself so much
By letting other people
Actively hurt me so much

Why is my mind
Convincing me I'm bored
As I sit across my love
We're both working on our art
In this beautiful coffee shop
We're an interesting team
Only an arm's length between
Blue and purple hair
I know I am not bored
My brain is simply on a strike
There's a lot of painful thoughts
Anchoring my heart into darkness
"Boredom" is not correct
I simply cannot find an escape
Strong enough right now
To pull me back out
Back into living this life
I'd rather repress all of the pain
(Though it blunts all of my positive feelings too)
I'd rather simply hide behind
A phrase so simple as
I'm bored

I feel like I'm floating
More like free falling
Down down down
Into the darkness of the ocean
No, it's not water though
It's more like sand
Coating my throat with each inhale
Sinking slowly into the cold
Until my heart starts to beat again
As I remember who I am
As I remember what's important to me
This internal heat
Offers me the strength
To crawl through the shadows
Slide between thick layers of oppressive particles
Until my hands break free
Into the sweet clean air
I cannot taste it yet
But I know it's there
Patiently awaiting my return
To the world
To myself
To living

I may not be there yet
But I know one day I will be

It begins as a beige cylinder
Atop a slightly smaller beige cylinder
Upheld by a flat foundation
A beige circle
Equal in size
To one side of the smaller cylinder
Spin spin spin
With gentle fingertips
Until I reach 3/4 of an oval
Attached to the larger cylinder
Instead of closing on itself
It fuses with the wall
Melting into one piece
Speckled with black scrapes
And brown stains
Proof of its use
In ways intended by its creator
And maybe a few that weren't

I walk around these places
Trans-centric spaces
Yet I don't feel like I belong
I know that
I look like them
And based on my reading
I feel like them too
Though I still have this sense
That I somehow do not count
I am not quite enough
I feel without a place
Maybe because last time
I was at a trans art show
And my art lives in words
Not in images on canvas
Just another piece of me
That doesn't quite feel
Real enough or
Good enough
To be taken seriously
And I know
I know
This all boils down to
The way I treat myself
But I'm trying
I'm trying
Some things just take time

Trans
Enough?
I am
Trans,
Am I
Enough?
Others
Accept me
I've experienced
Little
Rejection
Not like
Others have
Yet
I
Still
Feel
Like I
Am Not
Trans
Enough

I sit in front of the tv
Brainwashed into thinking
That this monotonous existence
Constitutes living
I feel my mind screaming
For something more engaging
Instead of the useless stuff
Seeping from my screen
Sometimes the only breaks I take
Are just me looking from that screen
To another smaller version in my hand
I feel exhausted emotionally
Unable to engage in many things
But I refuse to give these screens
This kind of power over me
I am a human being
Not a lifeless creature
I need to find something better
To break this habit that's killing my creativity
It's killing my energy
My motivation
My attention span
And I will not have it
Not anymore
I will find something more satisfying
More promising in engagement

And then I wonder
Is this what it was like
When books were first written?
Or is this unique to electronic media?