I used to feel the darkness inside me I didn't want it to touch anyone else I felt afraid for the people in my life I kept myself ten arms length away I'm sure they saw parts of me the best But I couldn't stomach that thought I know now that the darkness isn't real It still feels just as real as it used to I know I'm not bad though It just feels like I am I wasn't allowed to feel when I was young I had to sacrifice my own feelings Or I could not have survived And survive I did I was taught that feeling made me bad That my feelings were unlovable Emotional numbness saved my life then But it doesn't help me anymore And I want to turn it off so badly I just don't know how to do that yet I'm learning about myself and my feelings I still feel so afraid I feel afraid to see myself and let others see me I still feel like a bad person who deserves the pain I still feel alone and tortured in my head I still feel afraid of my feelings I am starting to love myself though And despite being petrified of emotion I am excited to learn more of who I am And I'm excited to get better
I've been having a hard time for awhile now. A lot of **** that happened growing up has made me struggle to be able to feel things and so I feel numb a lot. I want to get better so badly, and I know I will, it just takes time. I'm trying to be patient with myself.