I can't know that its done, I can't watch the end, it needs to catch me offguard, something I can't ever mend.

Ill sit here and obsess and I'll miss you when I'm busy, my anxiety is sky high and I'm getting dizzy.

A cycle I'm trapped in, no matter the man, I'll know that it's over but I'll hold a death grip on your hand.

My thoughts are chaos, my love even worse, I thought I was better, now I think my heart is cursed.

This yearning does nothing, it doesn't change our lives, I will always want what I cannot have and I will never be a wife.

I'll miss the softness
While I settle back into rage
Ill return to stand-offish,
At least you're free from my cage

A house we once lived in,
Near bridges and farms,
You were always building,
And I fell for your redstone charms

Adventures we'd stay up for,
Miles and miles even over sea,
Adding so many jokes to our lore,
Changing landscapes for you and me

We always had what we needed,
You industrialized while I ran the mines,
I never thought I'd see our hearts
Fully depleted

She'll nail the audition, she always does
She even gets the lead more often than not,
But like clock work, her performance declines with each rehearsal
She can't hit the notes,
Her costume begins fitting funny,
Don't get me started on her choreography,
But she'll pursue, until she's booed
Off the stage on opening night.

And this is her curse,
She'll nail the first verse,
And have seemingly no control as she gets worse

I wish I could draw, I dont want to write

Three shades of blue, a couple purple hues

Splattered over ink pen outlines

A figure sat low, knees dug into the ground

Lines overlapping, the details are smudged

What's she begging for you'd wonder,
And who is she begging above?

Tears would streak the page, but it'd just add to the scene

A figure unmoving, an illustration I'd love

But no I can't draw her

So I write her alive, but it's not the same

I can write her feelings, but I'd like to draw her pain

If you can't verbally listen maybe I could visually explain

Forty three patients, forty three lives, all counting on me under a license thats mine,
There's medicine to pass and treatments to be done, I'm trying to be fast but I am only one,
Her blood pressures low but his blood pressure is high, bed 36 is in so much pain now that they've begun to cry,
I don't mean to be so in and out, I want to take my time and ease your doubts,
a listening ear,
a reassuring touch,
But its hard to manage when corporate doesn't care about patient care so much,
To me you are person, to them you are dollar signs, I want to hear about the life you've lived but if I don't chart we'll be fined,
I'm trying so hard to get everything done, I want to be there for you,
But if I fall behind on this paperwork, they'll just replace me with someone new.
So I'll brush your hair and bring your favorite snack, after I pass all these pills I'll try to come back,
I want to take the time to listen to you
While I can't chat for 45 minutes, even when I'd really like to, I remember which pudding you prefer your medicine in, and your sons and daughters names too
I know what time you'll likely be in bed, and the time you'd like to get dressed, I know it's not enough, and I know you get depressed,
But I hope you can feel I care for you

When the days are long and the laughter is loud, I never remember to write it all down.

I can't write the happy thoughts,
The good days,
The calm.

I only feel poetic when everything goes wrong

You asked me to jump in the river,
Last I was here I nearly drowned,
You assure me it's safe, like a dip in the lake
But I just stand here and stare at the ground
You're tugging and pulling and teasing and mocking, it's all such good fun for you
But Im stuck in a daze, reliving the ways the current swirled and looped
You're starting to get impatient, we're hand in hand,
My feet stuck firm in the sand
You're disappointed I couldn't follow through

I showed you all my favorite activities, included you in my hobbies.
I wanted you to see my soul and know I held you close.
But now everything is tainted with thoughts of you.

Two tattoos, 10 years, many moons
No one could have told me I'd spend my life without you
You saw it all, my rise and my fall
Every girl that I was,
And the woman that I am
Saved a special place next to me
Where always you could stand
You held me when I cried
Cleaned my room when I couldn't move
Came to me from hours away
When I faced my darkest doom
Without you, I'd never be me
So I'll always love you from here
Even if you never see

I fell in love with our delusions
Promise of love, a home, a life
With no fear of the obstacles or outside intrusion
But that blew up and now I'm stuck
Convincing myself it was all an illusion

I go with the flow until the current consumes me, thrashing around until I'm lost at sea. Sometimes I'm lucky to find a rope to be held, a sense of safety amidst the chaos, a feeling unparalleled. I'll tug and I'll pull until I'm almost free, but the rope always snaps and the hands on the other end I never reach. I sink to the bottom with no hope to keep float, the sadness is heavy, a personal chainmail ccoat. I work up the nerve to swim towards the shore, but that's so ambitious when I've never been there before, so I spend my days floating in thoughts, reminding myself love has always had a cost. Every time I'm close to the beach of a lover, I'm hit with tidal waves one after another. One day I'll free myself from this isolating ocean,  but the whisper of being saved is a lingering notion.

First I made tea, it's just what I need
And I drank it real slow, felt it's warmth soothe my throat,
I went back to bed, no messages to be read
For a moment I just lay there

So I washed my hair, perfect time for self care,
A full everything shower, took barely over an hour,
For a moment I just stared at the mirror

Well I turned on my console, pretend I'm in a different role,
I played the Sims, fulfilled her every whim
For a moment I just watched the game go

It's time for dinner, I'm wishing I was thinner,
I decide not to eat, not very hungry since we don't speak,
And for the rest of the night I'll lay here

You can't figure me out?
The picture on the box is clear
Piece me together, take your time
Frustrations rise
Pieces are bent
Impatience is high
And my pieces are lost

I breathe too much and you hear nothing else
I hold my breathe then I'm gasping for air
Either way I'm too loud

I want something sweet on the tip of my tongue,
a strawberry, some coolwhip, and coconut ***
I need it to send dopamine to my brain,
I want to stop laying here, going insane
Ice cream and syrup and sprinkles could do,
But after it all,
I'm still craving you.

I was made of fabric
Hair like silk framing my face
Naive eyes looking every which way
And through rough palms
I was strung along
And changed into tattered lace

I was made of leather
Firm but flexible
Looking for pleasure
I thought I knew better,
Had found the right way
I had to learn it hurts just as bad
To bend but not break

I am made of steel
Solid and sturdy, I don't have to feel
I can keep myself safe
It's okay to be alone at the end of the day
I built myself up, I filled my own cracks
It haunts my heart to think of my reckless past

The tide rolls in, the tide pulls out, with every wave I'm drowning no doubt, totally surrounded, pulled deep in the undertow, my senses unfounded,
but you're where I want to go,
I'm thrashing and paddling, I'm searching for air, the current I'm straddling will take me somewhere, without reason I flow away from the shore;
Diving with intention?
I've never done that before.

Unravel me like ribbons and bows,
Unravel my heart, my mind, and my soul.

You'll dance around every nerve in my brain, delicately driving me madly insane.

It's honey dripped words, it's deep chestnut eyes, a delicious combination I've slowly realized.

It's the way you made art, from the strands of my heart, I'm not made of steel, you reminded me what it is to feel.

Yet something so good, so yummy, divine,
Is easily tainted, like overnight wine.

And I want to be entangled whispering late into the night, but that's hard to do when everything's a fight

If I go to the left I miss out on the right,
And I'll never know what's right for me.
But I sit and feel doom, and plead with the moon to illuminate what I need to see.

The path was a fork, cut black and white
A simple 50/50 decision.
But under moon light, it's more than I thought, with unpaved paths through the grass that have risen.

A beautiful maze, all of these ways I could get to my destination,
But each road I turn too, the next one I yearn for, so I'm stuck here in purgatory station.

I've never left a person behind
I cling, I grasp, I claw,
Keeping them somewhere in my orbit.
For awhile you were the sun,
My reason to wake up,
Your warmth making me feel alive, at least for awhile.
But the sun is a star, and a star doesn't shine forever.
For a time you were my Earth,
My home, my safety, my comfort
My place to learn and grow and laugh and cry.
I thought I could keep you at this station forever.
But like a bad astronomer I can't decide which planet is where or which direction it flows, and you're lost in my mess doomed to be Pluto.

A little girl crying, a little girl lost,
Hush now keep quiet,
Our reputation it will cost.
A little girl laughing, no where to be found, do your chores and stay hidden, don't you dare make a sound.
A little girl beaten, a little girl bruised, relying only on herself, she's used to being used.
A grown woman erratic, her mind is far gone, they snicker and laugh, they don't ask her what's wrong.
A grown woman tired, her eyes all wept out, she's firm in her stance now, rebuking self doubt.
A grown woman angry, unseen for too long, she's sure of her place now, there's bass in her song.

Everything is blue,
There's no air left in my lungs,
The weight has crept out of my soul,
It's seeped into my bones,
Now I'm sinking faster,
There's nothing near to grasp,
I don't have it in me to make a life saving decision fast

I don't want to be weak,
Can't let you know I need you.
'Cause I've never needed,
Only provided.
And the power you hold?
Keeps my brain and heart divided.

Do I go crazy or have I always been here?
Chaos is the comfort, the peace causes panic
None of it makes sense,
Could I be going manic?
I'm craving a quiet mind,
No thoughts, no racing to save the day, But when I find that comfort?
My insides are in complete disarray

The room smells good
Until the candle burns out
And now it's just a room again

Maybe it's time to go,
But I don't know how to leave.
There's always something to say, you never just let me be,
This house raised me with anger but also made me, me.
How can I walk away when it's all I've ever seen?
The children here I protected, the adults I witnessed fall
I can't relive this past anymore, I'm almost 30 after all.
This room holds so many memories, there's secrets in these walls.
How can some place be so comforting, yet keep my life on pause?
There's hatred in the air, masked by family dinners and decor, nothing can be out of place, you may only cry behind closed doors.
To feel sadness is to show weakness, and these people are out for blood, I've learned survival all these years, but sometimes I let the feelings flood.
Use your hands to be helpful, and your mouth only to smile, don't show your cracks, the answers no so don't ask or be prepared to be shunned for awhile.

When I hold your hand
For a second I'm complete
And talking comes so easy
But to listen is defeat.

I need it all at my pace
And it's not fair to you
I know that you'll keep trying
But there's not much you can do.

Trust is a fickle thing
And I didn't realize I had an issue
I'm damaged more than I ever thought
You're a gentle soul and I will miss you.

The patience I require
Is an amount I can't even give
You're better off going elsewhere
You have a whole life to live.

If it's not you, it's definitely me
I'll take the blame, I'll be the bee
You brought a flame, I stung your knee

You started to glow, I watched where you went
I got scared, my anger spent
Now you're injured, and I can't vent

Words are magic, and pretty, and gold
They make you feel good, and timeless, less old
But words are just words, though pretty on paper,
And when action doesn't follow, you feel worse later

I'd keep the walls down but
Everytime I let hope remove the bricks
I take arrows to my chest.

I think it might be best
To keep the concrete high
And nurse my wounds in private this time.

A ghost or a shell
I never can tell
When I look in the mirror
And everything's weird
The smile I miss
Now a thin line so crisp
The glaze in my eyes
Since the glow died
This skin isn't mine
This body feels like a crime
I don't recognize what I see
I just want to feel like me

Lonely and craving the feel of touch,
The electricity from skin to skin,
The magnetic pull from eye contact,
The I love yous and I miss yous.

But it's a craving best left unfed
To be touched is to be vulnerable and the electricity shocks my brain, the I love yous and I miss yous make me feel insane,
To look at me too long is to pick apart my flaws, and at the end of the day I'm better alone after all.

Only worth what I can give, never allowed to be seen,
I tend their wounds and clean their rooms, but no one's concerned about me.
Money to borrow, chores to be done, tears to be wiped, words to be sung.
And I like to do it, but I'm all worn out
I can't keep on giving when I'm left out.
But I'm talked over, my words not worth your ears,
And my hands are unseen, unless alleviating others fears.
I've asked for help, and patience, and time, but I'm told that's life and I should step back in line.

One man today, another man tomorrow
To have been mixed up with you
Gave me everlasting sorrow
For the time that I spent and the tears that I wept
Always making sure your heart and house were well kept
The mean you that I hated, the goofy you that I loved
I'm not sure how the two coincide or if you were ever in love
Compassion for you I still carry but the anger never goes away, I wonder if I'll ever heal from you, this pain likes to stay.

Passive aggressive, can't be too firm,
This anger inside me I've carried since birth.
I say what I mean but then laugh at the end
You don't think I'm serious, and my mind starts to bend.
Can't be too forward,
Sarcasm my favorite weapon, maybe if I said it straight I wouldn't always end up mad again.

Aggressively passive, I've given up hope, no point in giving a **** when you're taken as a joke.
Why argue my point when you're blind to my mind?
I get better and better at keeping the anger inside.
Go with the flow is too gentle a phrase, for the ***** I don't give the more that I age.
People will come and those people will go, no longer will I cry and let my soul feel hope.

Another year living, another day gone,
The past isn't giving the wisdom I want.

I'm searching for answers, I lay in the rain, I stare at the moon while I'm begging for change.

My face is now creased, from years of worry, I laugh at my young wish to grow up in a hurry.

The right answers never come, I grieve over wrong choices, I'll stay in my bed berated by these voices.

And it's October, but the leaves are still green, the seasons aren't seasons and I am not me.

Twenty seven I might be, but fourteen I still feel, I look at the life I've built but none of it seems real.