Perpetually lost
Figuratively stuck
Exhaustingly overworked
Disgustingly underpaid
Literally confused
Effortlessly cliche
Beautifully me

If I could sit you down and make you understand my mind I would
I want to love you
I want to be loved by you
It's not that easy
Relationships are a love triangle
You, me, and my brain
My intrusive thoughts don't know when to shut up
A protective friend
A possessive ex
Always there
Hard to ignore
Eventually you'll grow tired of them popping up
But they can't be blocked
Can't put a restraining order on my mind

I'm just a bitter soul
In love with love
And my idealizations
I see your potential
Know what you could be
Push you to be your best
Know what we could be
But at the end of the night
That's not you
And my inbox is still empty

My mother is stronger everyday
Or maybe she's always been
This way
And I'm just now paying attention.

Maybe I'm just now seeing her daily struggles
Understanding her pain
Past and present.

Just now noticing how having a baby
At 16
Changes you forever
Never knowing who she could have been.

Always knowing I ruined chances at her dreams
Not that she would ever say that
But I did.

Every day passing seeing her more tired than yesterday
Working constantly since I can remember
Always being the supporter.

Just now wondering if she ever wonders who will support her
Or how we will function
Without her.

We won't.
It took me 20 years to appreciate my mother
And I'll never take her for granted again.

I want to forget what I said
But I want to remember how it feels

Never will I learn
To stay away from fire
Aware that I will be burned
Yet still I crave its heat

Today I will cry
For the you that I wanted
For the you that I saw
For the you that you are
For the you that I loved

It must be beautiful to not be jealous
To just feel happiness
And joy for others
Not that small pain
In your stomach
The little shocks
In your brain
The ache
In your heart

You've got an idea of what life is
What your life should be
It's always been there
Since you were 8
Creating the future with barbies and sims

You turn 15
Your view changes
You're gonna be cool parents
With tattoos and leniency
Married to the guy you just met
You're so in love

You turn 18 now
You decide you don't want this life
Or any life
If it's not the life you pictured
It can't be a happy one
So you pull away from all the things that made you happy

You just turned 28
Surrounded by friends
A decent job
You're smiling, laughing
Reminiscing even
Only remembering the good

Large doses of you
Were never good for me,
But, I've always loved to
Push my limits.

Your promises mean nothing
Your words the same
Not quite lies
But never truthful
I don't know how to play this game
You've got me beat
For once I'll say it
I surrender
You win

I am not your property.
You do not own me.
I choose to stay.

At least that's what I tell myself.

All the ways I try to fill the void
Seem to make me empty

Funny how shallow needs
Create a shallow soul

Every one knows cigarettes and liquor
Are temporary
Rough *** and late drives end as quickly as they began
You stop tripping and rolling once you wake up
How foolish of me to think you were forever

With heavy eyes
And stiff bones
I say goodbye
To what was once
A home
I am afraid
I have to go
A brand new road
To be travelled alone
I won't forgot
All those good times
We had on late nights
And cheap moonshine
In my heart
I'll forever hold
As I say goodbye
To who was once a home

So I cut my hair
And changed my barbells
Switched out my hoop
And bought new clothes
Rearranged my room
Changed shampoos
But still I feel the same

Surrounded by people I love
Never quite sure if they love me
Not sure I'd believe that they did

Surrounded by people who care
Never quite sure if it's true
Not sure I can confide in them

Surrounded by my own thoughts
Never quite sure why they're so mean
Not sure I can disagree with them

Surrounded by pain and trauma
Never quite sure who to tell
Not sure they would stay after

And just like the weather in Ohio your love will never be consistent.