As the light fades from my window and the house grows still,
I grab my favorite blanket and sit at the window sill.

I've got one last conversation,
one last prayer to breathe,
I'm just waiting on the moon-
to tell her what I need.

If she shows me stars tonight then I will wait for you,
and if the sky is just pitch black?
There's nothing more I can do.

I'm sure you find it silly-
my obsession with signs
yet you still look for meaning in my non-sensical rhymes.

So if the sky is bare tonight with nothing for me to see,
I won't bother you anymore-
I'll just let you be.

My heart strings are so tired,
my mind is in an indecisive hell,
I want to be patient but
I need a sign it's going well.

I read a book once-
a story so captivating I couldn’t put her down.
Her edges grew tattered, her pages creased.
I etched my name into her front cover
so long ago you can barely see it.
I recite her words to myself even when she isn't near,
My favorite pages covered in notes only in my mind because I'd never ruin her that way,
Her paper so worn,
it’s as if I sharpened a blade that now cuts my fingers,
simply because I refused to stop reading.
I read a book once-
a story so captivating
I couldn’t accept its ending,
so I reread her, again and again,
like my heart could change the ink.

I beg for understanding
   But I can't even figure out myself

I crave recognition
   But do nothing worthy

I'm desperate to be seen
        But my own vision is clouded

We never had a song—
no chorus to hum,
no melody stitched
into the seams of us.

And maybe we didn’t need one.
Maybe the silence was enough.
But you love music.
And I love music.

So how did we not have a song,
if the love was real?
When we were dancing
were we pretending to feel?

I wish I lacked empathy.
I don’t want to feel.
I don’t want to see signs.
I don’t want to be real.

One minute, I’m fine—
then my soul explodes in my chest.
I wish I didn’t see that.
But I did. And now, no rest.

I wish I could shrug,
say “that’s not my concern,”
but every flicker of pain
Causes my stomach to hurt.

I notice the silence,
the shift in your tone—
there's nothing in your voice
It's all I think about alone.

This is why I'm standoffish and stick to just me
There's no ache in loneliness
At least not the kind that stings

Maybe I'll make friends but that feels like betrayal
These self imposed rules- a safe fortress failure

I wish I didn’t feel
At least not to this extent
My day was going so good
But I ruined it again

I’ll love you from here,
While you go about your day.
You may not want this—
And really, that’s okay.

I hope you find the love you deserve,
One that never makes you feel anxious,
A love you don’t have to earn.

I hope they come healed,
With no mess to clean.
I hope it’s better
Than even you’ve dreamed.

I hope they take one look at you
And know they can’t be mean.

I’ll love you from here
And hope sometimes you feel me—
Because it was all real,
And I’ll never forget the feeling.

I was handed fists
for as long as I can remember.
My curiosity—squashed with screams.
I didn’t learn the alphabet—
it was beaten into my ribs.

I didn’t hold hands.
But their grip was tight enough
to remind me I’d never leave.
I’ve been property since conception,
just signed over with a new lease.

My tears were never wiped—
they were smacked off my face. You must swallow all emotion or you're a disgrace.

I was to speak when spoken to and never out of turn. What happens at home stays at home and no one else should learn.

It wasn't a phase mom- daughters marry men like their dads. Though I came pre-etched in rules there was a new ruler to be had.

I was handed fists,
my whole life,
disguised as loving encouragement
to be better.

How was I to know you don't have to yell to show passion?

I was in it, then I wasn’t.
Days flew by, dragging as they passed.
Now, I’ll never get that time back.

At sixteen, I wished on stars for this age.
Now, I’d trade the world just to rewind.
Funny—how I lived for the future,
And now the past knots me ******* blind.

Rewriting days that came and went,
Haunted by words I never said.
I try to face forward, but my neck won’t budge—
Staring at my failures instead.

I’ve tried to live in the present,
Tried to make it feel like home.
But one foot’s anxiously in the future,
The other mourns the past all alone.

The past calls for my soul and my bones,
Every time I sneak back, it drags me down,
Reliving moments that leave my future more dull.

Everyone that cares is here in the now,
But I never stay for long—
I'm always time-jumping,
My fixation on past failures dragging me along.

The time-traveling woman—
Trying to perfect love,
never accepting what is,
Always trying to fix what was.

I will lose all that I am,
I will lose all that I desire
Because that's what runners do
They run after they start the fire
And maybe I am walking now
But that doesn't change the past
I set the house on fire and
I can't expect you standing there when I walk back
But still I'll pace around the wreckage-
Searching for glimpses of you
And all I'll find is smoke and fire- you loved me, I punished you

Like a broken machine
my mind tries to shut down,
but the cogs keep spinning
round and round.

Completely overheated,
the oils run dry—
you overthink and worry
‘till one day you die.

Do I reach out and plead my case?
Or
    Let
          It
             Go...

She tells me, “You should have five kids with your face, you’re beautiful,” after she asks how many kids I want and I tell her I think I’m stopping at the one I have. I laugh, because I’m not beautiful.
But I feel seen.

She always calls me beautiful, and I know it’s not my looks. It’s my compassion, my bedside manner. I ask about her day and sometimes I tell her about mine.
She says they don’t talk to her like I do—and that makes me sad.

She’ll tell me about her granddaughter while I prep my supplies, and I’ll remind her to go easy on the girl while I flush her tube.
Her daughter pops in. She knows me by name, wears a look of relief because I’ve already done oral care and tucked her in for the night.
While I clean up, her daughter tells me about her week.
They both say they wish I worked through the week.

I’d like to stay longer, but I’ve got two more rooms.
So I say my goodnights and push my cart along.

She’s on hospice. I know how this goes. I’ve been through this before.
But when she goes, I will miss her.
I’ll hope she finally gets that Bud Light she’s been asking for when she crosses over.
And I’ll think of her every time I prep that room for a new patient.

At some point, I crossed the threshold.
I went from Kay to a character.
And when I break that character,
Everyone loses their mind.

No one likes Kay anymore.

I don’t know if it was lockdown,
Or postpartum,
Or the weight I gained along with them.
But no one sees me anymore.

If I say something off script,
I’m met with sighs and,
“That’s crazy.”
Then I’m brushed off completely.

If I’m not being witty or helpful,
I shouldn’t speak at all.

I played the part—
Who doesn’t want to be the helpful comedic relief?

But I’m tired.
There’s no understudy.
No one else auditioned.

So that’s my fault, really.
The character was excellent escape
For a long time.

I just never imagined
I’d lose myself completely

Time goes by slower

           When I'm Desperate
                        
                        To know what you're doing

I'm walking in the rain.
My hair is wet.
My clothes are drenched.
I'm not running.

I'm walking in the rain
With no umbrella,
Pulling a suitcase
Of baggage I can’t seem to get rid of.
There’s mascara all down my face.

I'm walking in the rain.
The thunder is loud.
The lightning is blinding.
The wind tries to push me fast—
But I'm walking in the rain.

If I can't unlove you
                Surely I can write myself
                                                  Out of love

There's no point of yearning,
I can't have you now
This longing it's hurting,
and bringing me down
I don't want to let you go,
but I can't have you wait
I wish the circumstances were better,
or that I was someone you hate
You deserve someone steady,
not this constant tide
While you came to my carnival,
you never wanted a ticket to this ride
I borrowed glitter from ghosts
and disguised my pain,
You came here for peace,
not my torrential rain

I went to college, I got a degree, I don't do drugs, well- not that many,
I've played the wife and the side piece too, I've funded others life styles-
then suffered alone
I spend my days checking my phone
For what? I'm not sure, anyone who gave a **** about me I kicked to the curb-
or they left,
Had enough of my facade,
my relationship with others
always goes wrong
Either I'm too codependent or
I live on the moon
I never could get it right,
so I've hid in my room
I used to go out ya know- I used to be fun,
I could laugh and have a good time but now I just run
If I take too many shots I'll start to cry
so instead of ruining the party
I think I'll just hide
I ache for a feeling that doesn't exist but when I get close my head throws a fit
I know all my flaws and
every ugly feature
How am I supposed to believe someone else could love this creature?
I'm better on paper and returned in practice, the warranty's gone bad
there's no reason to have this
Just for a second I believe
you think I'm gold,
and though that feels so peaceful-
my mind turns me to mold
And you can't see that
I'm making you sick
I don't want to hurt you,
I want to be loved
But once these thoughts start rolling in- sticking around is easier said than done

To the girls who grew up too fast,
now women who cling to hopes of magic,
I'd like to propose a toast and raise a glass-
the reality we escape from is tragic.

Whether your vision is a knight or prince,
or even a jester at times,
I want you to know I feel less alone,
drinking tea and reading your rhymes.

To the ones who whisper to stars at night,
who still make wishes when clocks strike eleven- eleven,
we may not have fairytales etched in gold,
but we scribble our own versions of heaven.

To the ones who carry too much weight,
and still find time to dream,
here’s to healing in fragments and poems,
and patching our hearts at the seams.

I don't know how to end a story, don't see when the plot has died
Especially when it's a good scene, and the mood is always just right
The sun is setting- there's lovers on the beach, the future stands before them with nothing out of reach
Maybe that's not in the cards they pulled, I should let the story line fade out, but that makes me physically ill,
"They belong together" I shout-
And I'll stall the scene with every breathe, hoping hope can out-write loves death

I could say something better but it's not the time,
I'm not okay- I'm not even fine,
I'm trying to heal,
I see where I was wrong but
I think of you to just about every song
There's been some setbacks I couldn't predict,
the entire month of May was pure chaotic ****
I couldn't reach you because that's not fair,
I have to deal with my own **** without someone there
You were so right about a lot of things,
But accepting I'm being used is something that stings,
The entire structure of my life has been rearranged,
I don't mean to creep- don't mean to be strange
I just wanted to see you as selfish as that is, if you want me to leave though
I'll do as you wish

If I never loved him, would I have still found you?
Our meeting was so random, but it was kind of his fault too
If I hadn't left him,
I wouldn't have opened up that game,
And if I never did that- would you ever know my name?
If we take it further from all the trauma I went through, had I not lived through it, would my path still have stopped at you?
At what point in this timeline was our fate decided?
I think about this all the time- I've over analyzed it.
If she didn't have me at sixteen,
maybe my childhood could've been abuse free,
If my dad wasn't a ******* ***, I could have lived at home and not dropped out of class,
If I didn't isolate at my grandmother's house, would I have been strong- less like a mouse?
If a heart attack didn't take her from me, I'd have never gotten close to him in 2015
If I hadn't suffered a decade with him,
I'd have never been in Salem
with my sister's on a whim
If I wasn't damaged would I have ran? Maybe then we'd get the life sometimes we would plan
If none of this happened I'd just like to know,
Was my soul always destined
for yours to know?