I'll speak your name

until it's not pretty anymore

Until it's so sharp and so distorted

it burns my cheeks like acid.

I knew that I’d feel silly
After I had some sleep,
Because honestly, you haven’t cared for awhile-
You’ve got a new woman to keep.

I can see your game now,
You just wanted to feel tall,
And the easiest way to do that
Was to make me feel real small.

It’s fine now, it’s whatever,
I’ve wasted tears for over a month.
You could’ve just ******* blocked me
The moment you knew I wasn’t enough.

But that wouldn’t fit your narrative
Of crazy exes to collect,
Still, I hope you’ve done some healing
So you don’t peak her anxiety next.

Isn’t it so funny,
The way these things go?
Life is just a simulation-
Trust, I’m not in your loop anymore

I bleached my hair blonde chasing a version of me that no longer existed,

And was disappointed when I didn't become her.

I like to cook,
To cut and to chop,
Follow a recipe?
I think the **** not.

I guess and I taste
As I go along,
Each meal is different,
Every seasoning strong.

A pan so hot
With its sizzling sound,
Don’t come in my kitchen-
My chaos all around.

The water is boiling,
Steam clouds the air,
There’s flour on my face,
Chili powder in my hair.

Everyone knew
It was my turn to cook dinner,
Music blasting loud-
Master chef sinner.

I sing off-key
While I stir the ***,
But it smells delicious,
And that’s what I’ve got.

When it’s all done,
I plate it so nicely,
A centering ritual
That sometimes feels wifely.

I wash myself with water,
you find too hot to touch
But it soothes my aching muscles and
my tired soul so much
Relaxation is becoming me,
with eucalyptus in the air,
Soothing all my senses while I
lather it through my hair
Jelly bean body scrub in hand,
everything smells sweet
Exfoliating the day from my being, removing myself from defeat
Rubbing circles along my jaw to massage away exhaustion,
high pressured heat to free my shoulders of the burden they carry so often
Body oil to top it off,
strawberry my favorite choice
It's hard to hate yourself when you smell so good,
but it's easier to find my voice

She would trace flowers along my
warm skin, her nails sharp yet gentle

You couldn't tell me loving her was a sin, a shot in one hand and
in her other a menthol

You look so pretty when you're talking to me,
and just for a second, I want to see what you see.
'Cause if you saw yourself in the way that I do,
you'd realize your worth-
and maybe I'd realize mine too

I like to play music wherever I am,
I find it very grounding, my centering stand.
Even if mentally I'm drifting in the clouds,
Humming the tune, maybe singing out loud.

I like that for three minutes I feel something else,
Shuffle my playlist and the cards I’ve been dealt.
I could be angry or happy or sad,
These songs change my spirits, even just a tad.

A verse can hold me when no one is near,
A chorus can quiet what I don't want to hear.
Melodies mend what I can't fix alone,
Lyrics remind me my soul has a home.

So I play my songs to remember or forget,
To calm down my worries and ease my regret.
Music keeps me moving when I’m stuck in my head,
Breathing life into days that feel heavy as lead.

I love love as depressing as I am
But I love the intimacy-
There's beauty in holding hands
Secrets whispered closely at night,
That deeper understanding reached after the first fight

Working together to complete a goal
With someone beside you,
feeling so whole
Their laughter engraved in your head forever-
There's never been a sound that you've loved better

Caressing their face when
sadness reigns king,
Using their favorites to make them
feel seen
The electricity between two
lovers touching,
The honeymoon phase flirting that leaves them both blushing

A lover always has that certain smirk,
When everything is new and
you love every quirk
You get to be silly no matter your age,
Like fictional romance flew off the page

I love when silence doesn't have to ache,
When it's shared, not something you fake
Two mugs in the morning and
a tangled bedspread,
A soft “good morning” with a
kiss to their head

The little things that no one would see,
Like saving the last bite of dessert
just for me,
Or hearing my favorite song
and hitting repeat,
Because love lives in gestures,
not just in lusts heat

I love how romance is art in motion,
How it mirrors moonlight
across a vast ocean
Not always easy, not always bright,
But it's something sacred in both
storm and light

Maybe I'm dark and I like
to write about sorrow
But I love love even when I have
none to borrow

I deserve love and laughter and joy,
I know how to get it I don't have to be coy
I can give love and friendship and kindness, without even thinking of it, so ingrained it's mindless
I can trust my intuition and the thoughts in my brain, I don't have to have someone else double check my every play
I can be successful and support myself
I don't have to dim my light and hide on the middle shelf
I get to choose how I live this life that is mine, and I'm choosing to indulge in everything divine

I like when it storms,
the push and the pull
I'm addicted to the adrenaline and playing who's the fool
I've got a boat to survive the hurricane,
It's a little rickety and there's a few holes but what's love if you can't thrive in the rain?
Sometimes we drown but it's not forever, something about gasping for air makes that first breath of understanding better
I might run from your thunder until I match the beat,
find me in your orchestra-
the very first seat
It's always a shock when my lightning strikes, sudden and bitter and riddled with spite
But the worst part is when quiet comes, can we afford to rebuild or do we leave our land destroyed as it was?

The concrete cools, no longer burning my feet as the sun slips away for his evening retreat
Sometimes there's fireflies and other bugs do sing, but I'm waiting on the moon and the tranquility she brings.

The street lamps will highlight small places in the dark, but the moon and her stars did it better from the start,
She makes a liminal place feel serene, mapping constellations and discussing what they mean.

In this silence I feel so free, the air is not heavy when she's looking at me, I just admire the way that she glows, intergalactic wisdom pouring over my head to my toes.

I could stay out here for most of the night, from the suns purple goodbyes to his pink morning highs, when they switch shifts I'll return home, until it's time for my iridescent friend to show.

Recently I was asked to write something happy and while that seems easy,
I don't like being sappy
I rarely find beauty in things that don't bleed,
Tears and pain all over paper is much more my speed,
Should I describe a sunset?
And the peace that it brings?
The end of another day-
When the moon rises and sings
I could write about love but I've become bitter,
honestly a hopelessly hopeless romantic turned heart racing storyline quitter,
Maybe a thoughtful soliloquy about a bug, nah-
I'd think of men and that paints a mean mug
I'm sure I'll find something to pique my intrigue,
And pull me out of this pessimistic league.

I love burnt marshmallows and my favorite color’s green.
I’ll say I’m very open, but my favorite game’s hide and seek.
I’m kind of bad with money-
ya know, I can always make more.
I’ll distract you with jokes if we dive
too deep into my lore.

I’ll remember your birthday, stress for months on the perfect gift.
I’ll be properly obsessed with you until
I feel the shift.
I am such a lover girl until the
loving feels too real-
giving someone the power to hurt me is a soul-crushing, humongous deal.

I will fight against it-
there’s no love without the risk.
But it will be a struggle, and no one deserves my ******* fits.
One day, someone will want them, raincoat and boots in tow:
“What’s a little rain in the grand scheme,
when at the end I get to love you though?”

I had coffee and tea,
just the way I like.
I played music all day,
some loud, some quiet.

I didn’t panic once-
no shame, no crying.
I washed my face,
took care of my skin,
was gentle with myself.

I chose strawberry cheesecake body oil
over bed-rotting despair,
I deep conditioned and
re-dyed my hair.

And tomorrow I might do less,
or maybe more-
but today I loved me
in every pour.

I don't even have hobbies anymore
I just cry,
Competitively

You're quiet thunder
I hold storms behind my teeth
Still you heard the rain

I'm a house haunted by our future
And things you've said
New buyers come through  and I scare them away.

You're planning a new build with someone else,

How lovely.

Heavily debated deleting my account,
Even though it predates you,
It is forever tainted
with confessions of
love
for
you

I turn the music up louder
Like it will drown out my thoughts
They just adapt to the beat.

The worst they can say is no
The worst that can happen is I'm wrong
The worst that can happen,
isn't the worst at all
The world will still turn,
the sun will still shine,
the moon will still listen when
I'm not feeling fine
I can move on or learn something new,
I don't have to fear the unknown,
I can be me-
not what's wanted from you

Yeah I'm so funny for the stories I tell, but I lived my twenties thinking living was hell
Sure, now it's hilarious that my past was so **** wild but is it really?
I was just a child
I did what I needed to-
I stuck it out, I took my beatings and I tried not to pout, he was the path I chose and there was no way out.
I was seventeen living miles away and when I needed it most, my family never came.
We wonder now, why I stayed, all the things he did to me I should have felt betrayed.
Though he was my captor, he felt more like a savior and maybe thats why for so long-
I excused his behavior.
When no one else would help me, he would stand right there, yeah sometimes he would hurt me, but so did everyone else who cared.
I know now it wasn't love-
just possession and control,
but that 17 year old girl in me was always desperate to prove that wrong.

Breathe in cool air
Breathe out smoke
My own inconsistencies
make me ******* choke
I love to give love,
don't like to receive it
Even if it is real,
I rarely believe it
Let me hold your hand but
don't reach for mine
I'll be patient with you,
if I have the time
An ache to be seen yet
I'm shrouded in shame
I'm floating alone with
only myself to blame
In love with loving,
affection, and touch
But to believe I'm to be wanted?
That's a bit much

He sent me flowers

I told him I loved you

I could have just said thank you

He'll hold his cup close while she

drips
          drips
                   drips

Impatiently he'll warm her,
filling his cup

Faster
          Faster
                    Faster

Back into the ocean she goes,
He is already gone.

The girl who ruins things
thought maybe she’d try fixing.
If she could stop causing destruction–
offer repairs instead–
maybe it wouldn’t hurt.

If she could rebuild broken things,
maybe she'd be met with looks of relief
instead of weary sighs.

So, the girl who ruins things
bought her tools,
watched the how-to’s,
read all the manuals.

But no one sticks around
after something breaks–
not long enough
to see if someone might fix it.

But ruining was easy,
destroy and get lost.
Fixing comes at an emotionally high cost.

Heartache has a way of
fueling my insomnia-
Envied only by
Caffeine

Ill watch the bees in the clover and my daughter play in the sand,
Ill play music with my friends and
bask in the sun-
I might even let myself have a little fun
But the moon will rise and
night will quiet
I'll reset my house and
my heart will riot
She wants to say things and
express her emotions,
while yes I too want to feel love-
I'm tired of drowning in it's oceans

Maybe I'm nails on a chalkboard,
Interrupting peace with every screech.
Your two least favorite foods mixed together
A sight no one wants to see.

Maybe I’m polka dots paired with stripes,
Three clashing shades of pink.
A beat too fast, the words don’t match,
And you’ll never catch up to me.

I’m toast that's burnt, leaves left on the curb,
The promise of fun—but never the one.
And worst of all?
I’m the one who got me there.