when I die
I'd like my ashes to be made into a diamond.
that way when the jeweler shapes it and sets it in a pretty ring for my beloved's grandchildren/descendants
that will be a better rendition of me,
a properly shaped, smoothed and polished human-that-was.
I like to think all the bad qualities I know I possess would be pared down to a socially acceptable version of me that you would, finally, be proud of.

When you feel like you're screaming but your throat has stalled like a decrepit engine
Even as the fear rises akin to bile in your lungs and your senses are drowning in confusion
You keep screaming because your heart wants to still its own pulse
You know that feeling where you wake up heart racing breath huffing cold sweat on your brow
They say its because your heart rate dropped so low your brain defibrillated your heart to keep you alive
Its worse when you've just been dreaming
It takes your dreams whatever kin they be and Ends them
Ends you.
You wake up
    You wake up
        You were falling
            You were about to die.
And then you look at the calendar and go 'I have to do things today.'
And you wish your heart was still falling.
Singing a song you never heard before but which you loved because it was so Alien to the idea of you
You think, don't give up, don't give up, and you make it a mantra.
Your heart beats to that rhythm like your brain sending you memos of its continued survival.

You are still screaming on the inside. You put some music on to drown yourself out. And you are at 'peace'.

I hear them
The tolling, wailing bells
So we've come to the end
The last page of an epic
The silent fadeout of the silver screen
The dimming embers of a massive bonfire.
We've unmoored our boats from the flotilla we once knew as 'home' and 'family'.
         
                   The end of  us

We stand in the ruins
Of a great building
It once held the relation
Of a father and daughter
Of a husband and wife
You set it on fire
But we will not put out your flames
With our tears and blood
Anymore.

Let the fire take away your poison
And let the rain scour away every last toxic residue
Of the bond we once held.
This is my requiem. Perhaps one day this too shall seem like a dream.

Once i knew you
I knew everything about you
Your favorite colors, smells,
places you'd hide
points of comforts
And yet here we are
Two strangers, alone in a crowded room
Afraid of even looking at each other
I had hoped this would never have come to pass
That the once well-known grooves
and bumps of your spine
the vast constellation of freckles
scattered across the heaven of your skin
could be alien, unfamiliar,
Shadowed in darkness i am not allowed to banish.

I regret the moment
That i gave in to your smile
If only I'd known that day
That soon, so soon, you'd give that smile
to someone else.

Her nails skittered across his violin-heart
Plucking the strings to sound a lonely melody
And when he reached out to do the same
They made a beautiful symphony.

Freeze* the pain
Let it sear its icy brand
into a corner of your mind
Throw it into the box
that holds all your broken parts
The ones no one wants to fix
Stains on your soul
You open the box just to reminisce.
To confirm the diagnosis
That you are broken in many ways
Irreparable without external help
But
How can they fix anything
*The box is shut.

Mouth full of metal
Pocket full of teeth (broke)
These are the trials for perfect smiles
Our loss their gain
The dentists make money again
Weekly monthly wires crossing replacing
Wondering if its even worth it
Like false guarantees: "won't be like on TV"
Not even close.

Mouth full of wires
Pocket full of stones
One stops you at the airport-

The other at the  bottom  of the bay...

My day died an abrupt death. Ignominious.

At the hands (and lips) of my own mother.

Yet another broken thread, burning bridge,

lost key to a door shut in your face without a parting kiss.

Ce la ma vie.

You were smiling
desperate attempt
to beguile the teacher
into letting you attend
Unfortunately
she raised her hand
(to close the door perhaps)
and you flinched away
violently.

Then

You leave them
to their misconceptions
and remember
how that hand
had looked reptilian
in the corner of your eye.

doth thy timorous voice
tremble so, faced with choice
one so simple as to be common sense
between freedom and thy abusive ex?

Stop
                   Stop
                                    Stop

My yawn drowns out your voice
It is just meaningless noise.
You are not speaking to me.
I just happened to be here.

On this planet.

When the sun vanishes behind a cloud
Shade sweeps in like a tide at flood
Devouring the warmth of the students
Who thought to rest in the warm golden rays
Of a winter afternoon sun.