when people asked
“what do you want to
be when you grow up?”
i never knew.
i’ve grown up a little, 17,
and all i am is
afraid.

to the ones who fell in love early and loved much. who kept falling in love over and over and over again.
to the ones who searched for love in all the right and wrong and could never seem to find it. not at home, not at work, not at school, nowhere.
to the ones who found love everywhere or even just once, and wanted nothing to do with it.
to the ones who've been hurt from the beginning and who've yet to be hurt.
to the hearts of glass and stone, the ones who broke and shattered over and over again, to the ones who've only been broken a few times.
to the ones who've been so broken- and yet continue to love. to the ones who love when it's hard to.
to those who cry alone at night and the ones who cry in the arms of friends.
to those who've been left gently and on good terms and for the ones who were harshly abandoned without a second thought- this is for you.
this is to tell you- you are heard and seen and loved.

i'm still half a page short.
this essay is pointless
there is no fluff left to write

the cursor sits there- it
mocks me.
this isn't helping either

i feel like i
can’t say what
happened to me
because what happened
to my best friend was
so much worse...

as i brush the mascara
on my eyelashes,
i notice the rain outside,
gently hitting my windows.
it’s a beautiful thing

im stuck in
this never ending
loop. this cycle
of go to work,
come home, go
to bed, repeat.
i can’t live the
rest of my life
like this.
life is like a
bad song stuck
on repeat.

the gentle rain
on the window
reminds me of
a simpler time

of a moment that
is still to happen

somewhere,
someday,
with you

i've spent the last
3 months of my
life on a musical

a week ago today
was opening night
and now it's all
completely over

i don't regret
anything.

sometimes there are
these perfect little
moments.

i believe that these
moments are what
defines who we are

i come home
around 10pm
after musical
rehearsal.

i come home to
a silent and empty
house.

its like im
being rejected
from my own
home.

i'm biding my time.
i'm not sure what
i'm waiting for...
all i know, is that i'm
waiting...

ive burned a
lot of bridges
lately...

whether it was
on purpose or
an accident-
i still don’t know

i can’t say
anything right

so why do
i even try
to speak
at all anymore

time keeps wasting away
i sometimes hear the clocks
ticking.

it's maddening.

i don't know how to
use time effectively while
taking care of myself.

there's too much to do
in too little time.

it feels like i'm stuck in
a never ending
night terror.

it's on loop and
won't stop
going and
going and
going and
going and
going and
going.

this is my cry for someone-
anyone to help me escape.
i can't handle it anymore...

a friend once told
me “you are light.”
i’m trying to be light
to all of my friends
and everyone around me.

i think i like being light...
it’s a very good place,
mentally it isn’t draining,
it isn’t emotionally
draining either.

i think i’m happy again

it still seems like
things are falling
apart.
and i lowkey know
that they are-
but things are falling
in place too. maybe
life and the world
isn't as against us
as it may seem

everything is
so peaceful on
this wintery day

except the storm
raging in my mind

someone help me

i accidentally
broke his heart

almost a year
and a half later
he shattered mine

“dating her
was a mistake.”

sometimes when
no one checks
the group chat
for awhile and
there’s no one
else on-
it feels like you’re
just talking in an
empty theatre- waiting.
waiting for anything.
a “read” notification,
a typing bubble-
a sign that you’re
not alone-
anything...

i’ve been told
many times
that my eyes
are the color
of the ocean.
just like my
mom’s eyes.

the color of
the sky after
a rain storm,
young flowers,
a little lighter
than the blue
on a walmart bag,
a worn jean jacket.

i think i like
ocean the best-
i miss it the most.

i'm shattering
breaking
so stressed
to the breaking
point

if something
isn't done soon
there won't be
any of me left

i need to right
what i did
wrong to you.

but i'm afraid
of what might
happen.

i broke your
heart (and mine
too) on accident.
i didn't mean to.
i swear.

if i could go back
and change it-
i'd do it in a
heartbeat.

i’m standing on the
edge of the world
so much talent and
opportunity.

but i’m waiting.
waiting for something
to happen that will
never happen.

the glowing of the
hot embers from
what was left of the
bonfire reminded
me that maybe
some good can come
out of this darkness.

one thing i've learned
is that i will never
be anyone's first choice.

he will always choose
his friends over the girl
he says he's dating.

i've finally come to
terms with the fact that
i'm just not good enough.

what i miss
most about the
ocean is the
freedom of
standing on rocks
over the waves
without any worries

if i get the job
as a dishwasher
at the cafe or
the nursing home

i might get my
weirdly
tragically beautiful
cinderella story
after all

in april my parents and i
went back to the
east coast, new england,
for a funeral.
my mother grew up there
and i was born there.

i hadn't seen the ocean in
11 years since we left.

i miss the waves
i miss the cool
sea breeze
the seagulls
the marinas
the houses on the water
the random shops
i miss everything
it's more of a home than
this house in the middle of
nowhere ever was.

my education has turned into a
competition i never agreed to enter.
i don't hate learning, but i hate
being taught by teachers who don't
care who really just work here
so they can coach.
everyone says, its preparing
you for the real world.
so the first 13 years of my education
is just a trial run?
i don't know what day of the week
or month it is, i think in test dates
and deadlines.
they say you need a good ACT/SAT
score to get into a good college.
fun fact: only 21% of people work
in the area that they majored in.
they make it seem like everything
is depending on this test.
i don't know how much
longer i can handle this weight
and pressure to perform.
i used to be gifted way back when
but now i'm not because i wan't
continually challenged.
i just need to make it through
this semester, then it'll be over for
a couple months, then the cycle
will start again...

poem cancelled
i was wrong
the emptiness is back

talking fast
i have to get out my words
before someone else cuts me off

they said "slow down"
but if i slow down bad things happen.
everything catches up with me.
people cut me off
my fears catch up to me
i have to be busy
if im not busy i start to relapse

“someday my prince will come”
cinderella sung that...
i believed it to be true

my prince never came
no prince ever would want
a servant girl

my closest friends
are made of:
white paper
black ink
12pt Times New Roman font

so many
failed
relationships

i think that
i might be the
problem

i've battled demons
i've been to hell and back to get here
and you still think i'm weak?
you'll never know how strong you or i are
until we've been shattered and had to
rebuild ourselves alone.
prince charming wont come to a broken princess.
maybe he will to you, but he didn't to me.

sometimes
i try to feel
the emptiness
and aching
that used to
be in my heart.
sometimes there
are still traces of it
but other times
its really gone
and i cant believe
that im actually
happy again

mismatched furniture
a few dishes in the cupboards
a couple random blankets and lamps
a pan and a mug or two in the sink
a broken clock above the fake fireplace
a fake jackalope head on the fireplace

a couple college kids' apartment
my brother and his roommate
it isn't much but it feels like home

listen here to me.
ignore what everyone else is saying if they're trying to tear you down.
don't let that happen.

you are smart
you are beautiful
you are kind
you are seen
you are loved
you're better than you think you are.

don't cry, darling
things will get better
chin up
trust me.

no.
you know what?
cry.

let it out.
cry.
i know you've been hiding for too long.
i know you've been abandoned.
i see you.
you're beautiful.
you're perfect.
you're amazing.
if you ever wonder if you're a bad person? bad people don't worry about being better.
go ahead and cry.

let your tears water the ground.
let the seeds of despair and hurt grow
let the graves of dreams and lost friends have gardens
un-clench your hands and you'll find seeds falling out
every bad thing is now a seed
the bad things will become beautiful things,
just to spite everyone who said
"no you can't."
"it's not possible."
"you're stupid/ugly"/any other mean word

those will be the most beautiful flowers of all.

so let your tears flow.
they'll water the ground beneath your feet.
it'll be a garden of spite and inspiration.

"I will not throw away my shot."
Do not throw away your shot.
We have one shot to make a difference.
We have one shot to show them who we are.
To make them see we aren't who they think we are.
To let them hear us.
We have one shot... Make it count.
We must leave behind a legacy.
"What is a legacy? A legacy is planting a garden that you'll never get to see."
Let the younger ones see us fighting for what we believe in-
let them see us dressing for ourselves and not to impress others constantly
let them see us being who we are
let them see us using our words for good and not for evil
let them see us changing the world
one
word
at
a
time