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many big changes are occurring:
changing jobs,
moving out,
starting college,
i come and go frequently,
although never quite staying in
one place for too long.
sometimes getting too
can be scary
here i am,
nearly a year and a half later,
and I still experience the feeling of
almost every day because of you.
so, thanks for that, i guess.
i’ve tried to date two guys since you.
one was manipulative.
the other was abusive.
i’ve been so badly hurt by so many
relationships that i don’t know
who to trust or what to do
my entire life has been
flipped upside down.
multiple job changes,
friendship changes,
everything is changing.
it feels like i’m drowning,
but in the surface i’m perfectly fine.
kind of like a duck:
calm on the surface,
chaos below the water simply
trying to stay afloat
what changed?
what has made me
so unworthy
of being loved?
was it something i said?
something i did?
please, tell me,
i can’t take this anymore
i gave you chaos without destruction
love without war
peace without ignorance.

you had only unrealistic
expectations. and yet
i met them.
time after time after time,
i always met them.
because i knew you needed
someone. something. anyone.
and i hoped it would be me
but it never was.

‘i love you’ could be heard
echoing in our lives,
but it never rang true for you,
you only loved what i provided.
you never loved me for who i was.
if i knew my worth,
i’d make you choose.

but i’m too afraid
that you’d choose
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