The world is spinning…
Is it just me?
Is it inside of my head?
Or is it really out there to get me?
The voices are getting louder and I can’t breathe.
Telling me things, I was really planning to do but I can’t.
Is this really it?
Is this really my worth?
Oh my god…
Please help me.
I can’t breathe. The world is spinning. Something’s inside my heart, it’s pulling it out.
There’s something in my head too. I don’t know what it’s called. It’s taking over me…or is it just me?
Is it inside? Or is it out there to get me?
The tears. I can’t stop my tears from falling.
They came here in my chest…oh my god I can’t help it.
I want to scream. I want them to stop. It’s killing me. The pressure’s killing me.
I looked around and saw them staring at me.
The look in their eyes, it’s telling me something.
I’m different.
I’m no one.
I’m ugly.
I’m disgusting.
Why am I here?
I look different.
I should die.
Oh my god. I should die.
Can’t they feel that they’re killing me?
With those judgmental stares…it’s killing me.
Everyone’s killing me.
Everyone’s killing me with their stares.
Please…don’t look at me like that. What have I done?
I didn’t do anything. I didn’t…it’s not like I killed anyone.
My only sin is that I’m me…is that bad?
Oh please look away…It’s killing me.
I gasped for air…
Oh, someone stood beside me.
She’s not looking at me. That’s good.
Might as well try to…oh, she looked at me.
My heart started beating fast…oh please, not that kind of stare.
Oh please, don’t walk away, I didn’t do anything!
Nobody wants to be near me.
I can hear them saying, “She’s different.”
I can hear them whispering about me.
I can hear them laughing.
They’re giggling…
They’re staring…
What did I do wrong!
Oh my god, this is driving me insane.
Oh please help me…I can’t take this anymore.
I can feel them all staring at me. Judging me as if I’m a criminal.
Why are they all staring?!
Their sharp gazes, looking me from head to toe.
I looked down at my feet and started walking.
Even though I can’t see them, I can feel their head turned to me.
I should walk faster.
Yeah I did.
But then I bumped into someone and I immediately said sorry.
She just looked at me, from head to toe and rolled her eyes before walking pass to me.
I hung my head low, and looked to my feet.
Tears…
My tears can’t stop falling…
Why are they doing this to me?
My mom doesn’t even care, my dad is not here.
My brother doesn’t know what is happening.
My friends are busy, my teachers are busy…
Where to run?
Where to…
I looked beside me, and saw a car.
I saw someone in the window of it.
Who’s that?
She’s so ugly.
She looks pathetic.
She looks different.
My eyebrows furrowed and the reflection copied me.
My eyes widened.
I raised my right hand; it raised its right hand too.
I slowly approached the black tinted window, and it did it too…
I touched the cold glass and it touched my hand too!
Oh…
I chuckled.
Idiot.
That’s me.
That’s me, the one I’m staring with.
I looked away, I can’t look anymore.
So that’s why…
That’s why they’re staring at me like that…
I chuckled…
And then I laughed…
And then I laughed louder…
I can feel everyone’s staring at me with those weird looks on their faces right now…
Well! That’s nothing new…
The only thing now is that…I don’t care.
I don’t care.
I stopped caring.
I laughed so hard that my tears can’t stop falling.
I laughed so hard until I coughed and coughed but I still continued laughing anyways.
So…that’s why! That’s why! That’s why they’re looking at me!
Judging me
Because that’s how I looked!
I look ugly!
I’m not like those girls with straight nose and beautiful eyes,
Skinny bodies and **** curves.
I’m not like those that have skinny cheeks…I have fat ones…
I’m not like them…
I look different!
I laughed and ran!
I think it got me now…whatever it is.
Whatever what’s in my heart earlier totally got me right now.
I feel mad.
I feel mad.
I feel mad.
For myself and everyone.
That’s why?
That’s why they’re like that?
That’s why I’m like this?
Why?
No one.
No one understands.
No one cares.
All they do is judge.
Judge someone who they only saw that’s different from them.
Judge someone without knowing them.
Without knowing me.
Laugh at it.
Talk about it.
Don’t they know it’s hurting?
I found a bridge!
No one cares.
I feel mad.
Even my brain doesn’t care.
It’s painful you see…
Dad…mom, it’s so painful, but…where are you?
You should comfort me right? You should tell me that they are the wrong here, right?
Dad, mom, I’m so sad right now. I always feel like this.
I want to be happy.
But they can’t accept me!
Now I know why they’re doing that! I saw it!
Dad…mom! Where are you?
Oh…I see you’re busy.
You don’t need to scream at me to go away…I’ll leave now.
I’m sorry mom…dad. I guess you’re like them too.
Friends…why are you ignoring me?
I need you…
Oh…you’re busy?
Okay…I’m sorry.
I stepped on the foot of the bridge…
Ooooh, the water’s inviting me to come…
I think it’s cold…but not as cold as them.
Oh! It’s calling me now! The thing that was chasing me
The thing that I was telling you.
Oh…I think I heard a scream?
I think it’s telling me to stop?
I turned my head around and there I saw many people.
I can’t make out their expressions…I think its pity?
Shock?
Mercy?
I smiled at them…a mad smile.
A smile with tears on my cheeks, from my eyes…that came from my heart…
Ha!
Oh.
It’s calling me.
It said it’s comfortable there.
Over there.
It said my pain will end.
It said they’ll love me there.
Oh! I want to be loved! I heard that once!
I loved someone once…but well, I know he won’t love me.
He’s perfect…I am not.
I’m not worth it for him.
He was my everything…
I love him.
Love?
I heard that was an amazing feeling…
You know, to be loved…to be taken care of…to have someone to listen to…
Okay.
I jumped!
Wow, it’s high!
I think I heard some people scream?
Maybe they’re happy now that I will be gone!
I felt the water hit my body…
Oh, it’s really cold.
But not as cold as them.
My lungs suddenly wished for air…
It started to suffocate me…
But not as much as suffocating as them…
I need air.
But I won’t swim back.
It’s killing me…
But not as much as they’re killing me…
My thoughts started to become blurry…
I think I’m going to end this here now…
I’ve been strong for too long…didn’t I?
I should rest now.
Mom…dad…
I just hope you listened to me…just once.
I’m not happy…you see.
I’m not happy…
I’m not happy…
I feel sad.
I feel so alone.
Can you hear me?
I hope you were there…but you’re not.
I think it’s too late now. Goodbye.
Friends…I understand.
You’re busy…
Good luck!
Well…goodbye for me…
I hope to see you there.
And to you…
Yes you…
G-Goodbye…
T-they’re happ-yy…n-now…a-ree t-theyy?
Hehe…
I-ca n-n’t f-feel an-nythingg an-nym-ore…
Hmmmm….

I like the way
you say care
and laugh at my jokes
and stroke my hair

You touch my body
call me your amor
and tell me I'm pretty
when I answer the door

But then.

Your phone starts beeping
I'm no longer yours
Your hands wrapped around it
Yours eyes on the floor

Transfixed by its beauty
It's body you touch
You laugh and you answer
You smile far too much

It sits on the table
Between you and me
A small metal barrier,
which past you can't see

When it goes off again
and you reach for that phone
You let go of my hand
Absorbed on your own

I get up, I leave
I'm not second best
To texting and cheating, and lying and tweeting
You inconsiderate idiot, your life's a mess

How can you feel that you are being loved?
Is it with tears on your pillow every night?
Or is it with screaming bad dreams out of light?
Maybe when you felt an ache just like a stab in the middle of your heart.

How can I feel that I was being loved?
Was it during those times that I felt betrayed?
Was it whenever I felt lonely and alone?
Or maybe when I feel being ignored and taken for granted all along.

If all of those strange feelings we're called love,
If all of those anguish feelings considered as love,
If all of those hurtful things I endured was being loved,
Then I would refused to be loved, I would resist to be loved.

I floated in the corner, and I waited for a sign,
From the place where visions come at cost,
Where three sharp eyes, two heads, inclined,
To see me where I stood and spoke,
Aloud, to no avail,
Some truth, some lies, some love, some hate,
Was then I felt the nail.
Two eyes spoke, but only then,
To ask that I had felt,
The flesh that held the nail I bore,
From up there where they knelt.
The single eye was silent, still!
She would not even cast,
Her monoscopic field of view on all this violence past.
If only she would turn her face,
And three eyes become four,
Then she might open for the one,
Come knocking on her door...

When it has been five days since
anyone told you they loved you
and no one has held your
hand in four months
and you cannot remember the
last time you felt wanted,
remember this.

People aren't meant to say I love you.
Those three words mean
so many things but somehow
they mean nothing and eight
letters thrown together into
a combination of
lines and spaces is not an
accurate representation of feelings.

They say I love you
in the way they smile when
you laugh at their jokes and they
say it in the way they shake their head
when you make a bad pun and
they say it with every
text message in all-caps at
two twenty-four in the morning
because something incredible
just happened and they had to let you know
and they say it with every
hug and high-five and punch in the arm
and with the way your name
bounces off their tongue
like a child making poor judgement calls
on a trampoline and

they will not tell you happy birthday this year
and they will take four hours to
text you back because
they got distracted and they
will call you an *******
(because you are one, sometimes)
and eat all your lunch
without saying please or thank you
and they will
forget to tell you they love you
when they say good night,

because people are not meant to say *I love you.