Why am I so stuck on you? Because you fit all my standards Because I saw great potential in us Because we have such a great chemistry
Why did it end? I can't put it all into words You said I overwhelmed you Gosh, how I wish I could take all those overly personal questions back
Why didn't I think about what I wanted to say before I said it? Because I'm impulsive Because I have trust issues Because your answers determined if I would be able to let my guard down
Why did you leave? Because you're emotionally unavailable Because I'm too much for you Because maybe, just maybe, there was someone else
I just don't get it. I could've given you the world, but I guess I was too flawed in your eyes for you to even bother trying. I'm more angry at myself though, I feel as though I'll never be loved by anyone because I'm too damaged.
it's too late to call you, but i stare at your number anyway. with a picture that no longer looks like you staring back at the dark, clouded by a fuzzy head and wet eyes. as i desperately try to tell myself that it's okay to be strangers sometimes.
but i'm lying.
i can't live as a stranger to you. i don't know who that leaves me to be.
i want you to look me in the eye and see me down to my soul so i don't have to embarrass myself by telling you, because i always sound pathetic out loud. i want you to know me so i don't have to know myself i want you to love me so i never have to look my reflection in the eye and feel my insides turn at the sight.
every time that i tap into the sadness it threatens to pour out of me at once. and i cannot touch the wave that crashes inside my chest for fear that i will splinter, and everything will fall until it is broken. and i have nowhere left to hide. and you will see me.
as i am, anything other than as i am. i feel like i have been waiting for something for my entire life. i have been waiting for an okay that will never last for something to break something to give to fix feel wait.
i will be okay.
in some hour of tomorrow who feels so impossibly far from now. and i will be okay until i am not. again and again until the cycle comes to me like water the hardest part of getting better is realising that 'better' is a lie, and working towards it anyway. but there are times when i want to be alive so much it makes my lungs ache. so i will carry on for the me who lives in those moments, fleeting as they may feel.
it will pass.
i wrote this in one go while crying. it is not good, but it is a lot.
For leaving me waiting in this chair that only has a lifetime of experience. And only a thousand secrets to keep. To keep those waiting. Waiting to be existing. Thanks for that. I’ll let my friend know that he made a friend. And that he made a mistake on mistakes that made him mistake me for fool. Well I am a fool. I’m a fool for waitin’ for you. I’m a fool for waitin’ On me waitin’ for you. I’m a little bit tired. I’m a little woozy from all the waiting for these drugs to kick in. Ask me a question. I’ll give you the names of all my excuses for not wanting to wait for you. Not wanting to wait for me to wait for you. Not wanting to take this here paper corner and stab my eye ball for waiting for you. Don’t know if I mentioned this. But I’m a little bit tired. Tired of arguing with myself. Yelling. Fighting. Screaming at myself for Not wanting to talk. But who wants to listen. The only people that want to listen are the folks that are tired of listening to themselves. Well. I guess that some of the folks that want listen. Actually do want to listen. Want to hear something new for a change. Want to take a break from all the breaks that they already have taken. Something like that I guess. I’m gonna get me a new me. And I’m gonna use him.
You were the decision to look both ways before i cross the street To pick up a fork and eat a couple bites To put down whatever i was holding To call someone before it got too bad To not let myself get stuck in that loop again To not end up in the bathtub again Throwing up all the pills i took To not have to come up with an excuse for why it looks like a crime scene To not end up even more scarred up then i already was So What was i supposed to do When you made the decision to quit loving me Who was i supposed to turn to I know what i did But what was i supposed to do
"I'm so proud of you" I whisper as I drive on these wet slippery roads, you're at a place you've always wanted to be, and you left me on the corner to get there. I wish I could be there congratulating you as your plus one, but lord knows neither of us could have lived to see that day. Such a small amount of time, 15 months, and yet it holds such significance in my mind even now after almost 4 years of being without you. I still look for you on those loud downtown streets, I still hope you'll be there to see me in my perfected form, so I can brag how far I've run to get to where you are. Will you ever be proud of me? I think we both know the answer and I haunts us.
You just graduated with your degree you've worked so hard to get.
"I want a relationship." "I do too. I want one with you." "Oh, I said I wanted a relationship but not with you" "I mean I guess that's fine... Can I ask why?" opens with no response "I won't get mad or anything..." opens with no response
I guess I wasn't as important to you as you said I was.