Why am I so stuck on you?
Because you fit all my standards
Because I saw great potential in us
Because we have such a great chemistry

Why did it end?
I can't put it all into words
You said I overwhelmed you
Gosh, how I wish I could take all those overly personal questions back

Why didn't I think about what I wanted to say before I said it?
Because I'm impulsive
Because I have trust issues
Because your answers determined if I would be able to let my guard down

Why did you leave?
Because you're emotionally unavailable
Because I'm too much for you
Because maybe, just maybe, there was someone else

it's too late to call you, but i stare at your number anyway.
with a picture that no longer looks like you staring back at the dark,
clouded by a fuzzy head and wet eyes.
as i desperately try to tell myself that it's okay to be strangers sometimes.

but i'm lying.

i can't live as a stranger to you. i don't know who that leaves me to be.

i want you to look me in the eye and see me down to my soul so i don't have to embarrass myself by telling you,
because i always sound pathetic out loud.
i want you to know me so i don't have to know myself
i want you to love me so i never have to look my reflection in the eye and feel my insides turn at the sight.

every time that i tap into the sadness it threatens to pour out of me at once.
and i cannot touch the wave that crashes inside my chest for fear that i will splinter,
and everything will fall until it is broken.
and i have nowhere left to hide.
and you will see me.

as i am, anything other than as i am.
i feel like i have been waiting for something for my entire life.
i have been waiting for an okay that will never last
for something to break
something to give
to fix
feel
wait.


                 breathe.


i will be okay.

in some hour of tomorrow who feels so impossibly far from now.
and i will be okay until i am not.
again and again until the cycle comes to me like water
the hardest part of getting better is realising that 'better' is a lie, and working towards it anyway.
but there are times when i want to be alive so much it makes my lungs ache.
so i will carry on for the me who lives in those moments, fleeting as they may feel.


it will pass.

A dream I think.

Out of the car.
Up the stairs.
Inside.
Walk around.
There she is.
Talk a min.
Follow.
Get lost.
For even longer.
Been found.
Found a way
Pinkie promise.
For a song.


Garrett Johnson.

For leaving me waiting in this chair that only has a lifetime of experience.
And only a thousand secrets to keep.
To keep those waiting.
Waiting to be existing.
Thanks for that.
I’ll let my friend know that he made a friend.
And that he made a mistake on mistakes that made him mistake me for fool.
Well I am a fool.
I’m a fool for waitin’ for you.
I’m a fool for waitin’ On me waitin’ for you.
I’m a little bit tired.
I’m a little woozy from all the waiting for these drugs to kick in.
Ask me a question.
I’ll give you the names of all my excuses for not wanting to wait for you.
Not wanting to wait for me to wait for you.
Not wanting to take this here paper corner and stab my eye ball for waiting for you.
Don’t know if I mentioned this.
But I’m a little bit tired.
Tired of arguing with myself.
Yelling.
Fighting.
Screaming at myself for Not wanting to talk.
But who wants to listen.
The only people that want to listen are the folks that are tired of listening to themselves.
Well.
I guess that some of the folks  that want listen.
Actually do want to listen.
Want to hear something new for a change.
Want to take a break from all the breaks that they already have taken.
Something like that I guess.
I’m gonna get me a new me.
And I’m gonna use him.


Garrett Johnson.

"I'm so proud of you" I whisper as I drive on these wet slippery roads, you're at a place you've always wanted to be, and you left me on the corner to get there. I wish I could be there congratulating you as your plus one, but lord knows neither of us could have lived to see that day. Such a small amount of time, 15 months, and yet it holds such significance in my mind even now after almost 4 years of being without you. I still look for you on those loud downtown streets, I still hope you'll be there to see me in my perfected form, so I can brag how far I've run to get to where you are. Will you ever be proud of me? I think we both know the answer and I haunts us.

god money buys big house big love
god money buys me some ******* peace
of mind
but i always spend it all too quickly

and end up all alone
in my big ******* house

sow what i reap in my bathtub
i guess
long sprouts from dry ground

god money cash in
buy my product
god money doesn't get paid back

not until
little big kid leaves to stop playing
in little big boots

"I want a relationship."
   "I do too. I want one with you."
"Oh, I said I wanted a relationship but not with you"
   "I mean I guess that's fine... Can I ask why?"
opens with no response
   "I won't get mad or anything..."
opens with no response





I guess I wasn't as important to you as you said I was.