To write is to:
       let go?
       relive?
       understand from a new perspective?
       finally accept it?
       be in denial of reality?
       hope?
       move on?
       furrow your eyebrows and think?
       rethink?
       be broken?

I am
dry, high
slowly blinking
my mouth can't fathom
this whiplash of an after taste
experienced through experience
the taste of hatred wrapped in anguish
so masterfully disguised with sly
sarcasm rippling off that side
smirk creeping on angles
in darkness ebbing
into the noth-
ing-ness
I am


*s.q.

at least you still have your heart
i'm molded glass and iron
things are ice and cold
metallic, lacking fire
no understanding, just being
waves floated and crashed
days lived and passed
stories told, forgotten
words spoken, promises broken
hermetics exposed, porcelain froze
perfection, a far distance
many planes, lands, wildernesses and visions
spirit awoken, undone and redone
sure to speak up or be forever a silenced pun


*s.q.

accept the reality
the faith of humanity
lack of gains
broken veins
blood struck tub
slowing lub dub

breath it out
in these unheard words
these sown letters
messages for him
who's eyes will never see

does it matter?
what's the latter
nothing will amount from this felt pain
nothing but shattered hopes and created chains
stop holding him so near
let go, he'll never only be here

this ***** has a climb but the top will come
stop hoping, just live and soon it'll be done


*s.q.

bewildered that this text
this forgotten scribe
uplifts the feelings
i try so hard to bury inside

this scribbled stanza
relieves pressure and pain
slowly allowing me to
stop reliving the shame

words once read
in black and white
submerged in emotions
high, light, and bright

letting your painted face
in my memory vault fade
ebbing in the distance
while these words continue to invade

funny is that our feelings exist
so playful and irrational
yet followed zealously
feels greater than feels, professional

*s.q.

in this rigid space
neck deep in thundering fumes
that flame my veins
invade my insides
and in between the realms of existence
we see
past reflected in raindrops of light
tainted with eager
jets of hues
black and blue
again forefronted with the unbreakable
hold existing deep within

*s.q.

are we running in infinite circles?
is there no escape?
can we become greater from this experience?
or will this always be our shape?

i type away, emotionless, as there isn't much left
but wasn't the goal to numb oneself
protection from this worlds cold theft

we all find peace with things at our own pace
but what if we die before that day
there's nothing but a grim grin upon our face

i guess the point is
to move the **** on
before death comes near
giving you no room to mourn

and hope to find pleasures
in this temporary world
brush off the bad
close your eyes, feel the sunlight and twirl

*s.q.

I relive you everyday.

I hate these memories
These ****** up realities
Past tragedies
**** humanity

*s.q.

everything impermanent doesn't matter
                       everything is impermanent

*s.q.

Perfectly timed moments exist
And with their existence, my sadness persists
I walked out, and he walked in
Our eyes met, it was his win
Every cell in my being began to heat up
And all he could do was try not to **** up
Yet still I ignored my pleaing heart
I sat in my car and drove farther apart
He shrunk in my rearview mirror
I sighed in hopeless terror
What if love will never surpass this limit
What if he's the only man I could love so vivid
All that I hoped for, all that I dreamed
Slowly ripped and torn apart at the seam
How do I overcome this desire to cease life
How do I care about tomorrow's strife

*s.q.

I don't know who I hate more:
          Myself, for loving him
          Or him, for making me

*s.q.

Earl Grey
the only man in my day
he soothes this **** pain away

*s.q.

The salty sweat of his chest
lingered on my lips,
so I tasted

pulled into the depths
of all his discovered
unknowns
my crevices of happy findings
warm tidings
delightful hidings

shut eyes, thoughtful, reliving
memories, flood of pleasure
losing control
I could smell his savage desire,
anticipation giving me chills

we find an everlasting truth
that even though
this distance will remain
we're bound through many domains
and no matter the end result
you and I
can't feel this real
from any other

*s.q.

How do I erase this Janwar
that's clawing, gnawing, destroying my insides
try to cease this current
this ebbing self-control
black-holed sanity of clear thought

Everywhere I go
every sight I see
incomplete without my completeness
you

Stupidity overwhelming judgement
blinding direction of constant withdrawal
an itch

How I wish things didn't happen for a reason
for now, I'd be whole
without a counterpart
missing

A puzzle piece
misleading me to believe
that he
and me
as a we
are meant to be

**** that idiocracy
for whole
I am,
complete,
and you are obsolete

*s.q.

please
let me live in ignorance
this blissful unknowing
silence wrapped in darkness

this blindfold is better
than the truth you bare
the truth covered in
death and despair

take your double-edged
sword
keep your love
keep your hate

leave me be
be me leave

let me breathe
with this heavy chest
weighted by the ache
of my abused best

*s.q.

We're still their,
in that world
we ****** each other into

That beautiful realm
where reality meets fantasy
and grass is luscious and warm

Where no matter the night,
the moon shines bright
and glows in radiating symphonies

And when the morning rolls in
we sink deeper in
finding wonders and pleasures, how?

Looking in those deep eyes
intensity petrifies my spine
I roll back my own in moaning sighs

You move
I move
Synced

Even this vast distance
is a meek, weak exposure
a classified holder

*******
this life,
no words to describe it
just feels

*s.q.

Silhouettes
Shadows
Sights, dancing before my eyes
Voices
Noise, grazing my ear canals
Touch
A subtle whisper
Breath on my neck
Shivers.
Inhale
Exhale
Eyes finding eyes
Gazes held
Hands
Feeling, always feeling
Too close
For comfort
Closer still
Perfect
-ly horrid.
Cause to
My demise

 *s.q.

Beautiful mind, you have succeeded
Expel all hate and accept all feelings
Time and time you have been beated
Life has now handed you more timid dealings

Play your cards right and the roads will be smoother
These ups and downs may wear you out
But these bruises and scrapes are battle scarrs
Each day set out to learn from their shouts

You've come a long way,
The progress is still endless
Clear troubles and exhale,
Inhale all that is painless

Of course you can conquer all that you've failed before
Walk away when hooded death's at your door
Sighs of relief released and begotten
Come, let's sit and drift to a world forgotten

                                    *s.q.

I don't want you
Any part of your noxious soul
You *******, obliterate, destroy
Like venom in veins
Slowly eat away
Look at the pain
You caused so much
Broken hearts, twisted remarks
Undone, redone to undo again
Your ways make absolutely no ******* sense
****** sensations
My only limitation
But insanity comes with a heavy price
Now nothing ever seems to suffice
Normal conversation is all that was required
Of course, too much to ask, from a lowly squire
Everything you touch turns to ash
If it weren't for compassion I would've never acted so rash
But now that's all trash
You've proven your worth
Correct, none
I want all my doings to be undone
**** your tainted mind
How do I leave this **** behind


                                                 *s.q.

Blood at the base of my neck
The taste of mold
Cold, cold, cold surrounds my every cell
My tears freezing as they trickle down my face

I breathe.

My sight sees a sliver of smoke climbing the ladder of air
I dare to shift my gaze
Distant moans, screams, footsteps creeping on the cobblestone
Slowly understanding action is required, I roll over,
Spit a stream of red, secure my undone laces,
And close my eyes to prepare for the pain I heavily anticipated;

First step....."ssss"
Second step....."hhhhaa"
Third step....."hooooo"
Run.

                                       ­                                *s.q.

Follow me. Where you ask?
Into the nest of me and he.
Lay your love. How strong you ask?
Like the depths of the ocean, and the strength of the sea.
Hold on. How tight you ask?
Like a meteor in the sky; fixed in space but free.


                                                 *s.q.

In these silences of utter loneliness I stop and reflect;
Is this really my life?
Have I actually spent all these years trying to find change when in reality I've been stuck in this round-about since I was born.
I can't escape it.
This is my reality.
Of course there are peaks
Of course I have moments of true happiness and bliss which seem enough to be alive for in the moment.
But those moments have passed, all of them that may have existed in my lifetime, it seems.
I feel as if tomorrow will be another black day on my calendar.
Another year full of shed tears
More fallen hope
My crumbling spirit..
How?
On this day, one of the happiest for Muslims, how has it been consistently marked for destruction?
How have I been running away from my family due to sheer pain and sadness on such a beautiful day of reuniting?
Not one, not two, but for the past six years it seems, peace has not entered this home.
Please Allah, let today be different.


                                                 *s.q.

I once wept in your presence and you judged me.
You were right, I'm weak.
In all my solitude I grasped a hand,
In all my suffering I leaned on many shoulders,
Through highs and lows I was held with love.

So now I face the world alone,
You dare call me weak?
Climb and sore with no hand to hold,
You dare call me weak?
Man my own battles and slit my own throats,
You dare call me weak?
Look you in the eyes and say "I don't need you anymore",
You dare weep in front of me?

                                                       *s.q.

Outliers, nomads, vagabonds of sorts
We have many names, us unsettled at heart
One city, one place will never be enough
We travel, not to find ourselves, but to discover higher truths
We travel to meet people like you

Without said journeys, blank pages fill your soul
You whither and dry and just plain crumble
Colors haven't touched your eyes,
Wonders, your mind
Read all the pages you can possibly come by

I, for one, can say this is truly true
I've found wonder and intrigue,
But I'll always be most interested in traveling with you

                                    *s.q.

Gasp*
That feeling you get when can't hold your breath under water anymore,
Yea, that's what my whole life feels like
Tied in between strings, knotted tight
How can this existence be right?

Living for others,
That's what I was taught to do
Selfish *******
All they do is take and take from you

My routine is set from the moment my eyes open
No flutter of hope, happiness,
My hearts all vacant

A vault, a cage, a trap of some sort
A book, a page, skip to the core

Can I wiggle out this rabbit hole?
Can I find a higher truth?
Can you escape this world with me?
Can it be just me and you?

                              *s.q.

I hope you know I just wanted to hold you in my arms and sleep.
Maybe drift into your world as we slip into unconscious bliss
A grasp here, a touch there;
Lovely kisses everywhere
Your dark, smooth skin under this hazy glow
Vibrant waves of color as our spirits flow
You're tall and brooding but your eyes don't care
I'm love, I'm air, I'm barely even there
You search and finally find what you've been looking for
Is it too late? Your timing was poor
I can't say that we play the wait game well
Patience tested, every moment in your absence is comparable to hell
All I ask is for your rising chest that I claimed as my pillow
Dear, my beautiful boy, I'll jump without ever looking below

                                                          ­            *s.q.

The dark curves of his towering structure-----home.
Arms reach in the shadows to grasp me in a hold of immeasurable calm;
His head, nestling in the crevice of my neck, gently stroaking me with his nose;
Kisses, baby kisses, sprinkled along the silhouette of my jaw;
Legs wrapped around one another, tighter as to feel the warmth of his skin;
Hands finding each other's touch, the familiar sensation.
Snake like arm grip, tightening, and tightening still----never close enough,
Perfection Reached.

                                                       ­           *s.q.