Discovering all of the holes in my boat
changing channels, moving remote
wonder how far my legs can take me
ponder where i hid my hope
clinging then climbing
stimming then silent
i have anxiety that i wear like a backpack
i have meds that keep my grey train on track
tired of wildfires and thunderstorms
they say its natural you know?
that my autonomy is second hand
to the chemistry
its factual you know?
the cocktail of chemicals that ruminate
dispelling a flesh body’s gloomy state

what if I have a little too much Bacardi
and I am stumbling around the party
would you take care of me or use me
would you pull my hair back as I spew out my regrets
watch me undress, caress my silhouette
don’t neglect, ******* like a cigarette
knew since we first met, you rev me up like a corvette
what's next, what's next
every since you step into my life its been just blessed
I confess it's been stressful trying to get a handle
or a grip on you and your fit is so cool
you make me want you, so smooth
you want me to want to do things I don’t usually do
give up the flower as you f*ck me in the shower
never thought I would be like this, you are my weakness
smiling during the fall of the tower

silence is your greatest weapon
nobody can gauge, the inner rage
that is willing to bubble up any second
compliance is your greatest weapon
feelings are saved, integrity betrayed
clean yourself up like an inspection

I wanna feel your love, your hands slicked with oil rubbing down my back

I wanna feel your lust, keep on kissing me because you can't help it
I wanna feel loved

I wanna feel like I can trust, you and your actions
too many distractions, pools of passion
take a dip into my water

go deeper, go farther
with me than anybody before

buy jewels to adorn me because you understand I am royalty

I wanna feel your love like the diamonds in my ears

I wanna feel your love as I work through my biggest fears

I wanna feel like no matter what happens you will always be near
me, to help heal me, as I do the same

we both have been scarred by pain by we continue to grow

my last was overgrown with vain, the envy ivy tried to stop my growth

no more anchors to hold me below the surface
I am breaking through, I deserve it

tall glass of water with a refreshing personality
feeling quenched with your arm around me
-
i cannot stall this out any longer
there aren’t volcanoes that are hotter
feeling better whenever we are together
my tall glass of water

my body carries a river of insecurity
causing floods upon innocent harbours
insane membranes, complex DNA
nobody is wired the same
no candle burns the same
but they all end the same

les enfants jouent dans le jardin
c’est dur, je ne comprends pas
tes vies sont différentes de mien
je me sens comme un méchant
comme un adulte, mais en même temps non
c’est trop pour moi, je suis occupé
je ne suis pas bien, je ne peux pas t’adorer
les enfants jouent dans le parc
je guéris avec mes arts
avec des cartes de tarot
je suis empereur, un magicien
j’ai connu les règles
mais je les ai cassés
c’est dans au passé
tu ne me comprends pas
je suis un nouveau moi, je suis un roi
tu ne pourrais jamais me comprendre
depuis le début
j’ai vu, je t’ai vu
mais tu ne pourrais jamais me voir

underneath the evergreen canapé
my feet in the dirt my heart by the hearth
the grackles teasing in last year’s leaves
and this is the last of the summer breeze
I can already see certain trees abandoning their seasonal green
I can only control every inch of me so I adapt to the new season
the new beginning, the new environment
the moment will be the soon past
soak up every ounce of sun and frolic in the lake one more time
before everything starts to die

excellent ears hear the secrets whispered at dusk
incredible intuition detects the creeping predator before it thrusts
marvellous mind can always find a place to hide amongst
crawling up into the corner of the ceiling like a spider, stay there collecting dust

my heart beats for love, my beast to overcome
to not look outside myself, no longer divide myself
send kisses to above, but on earth, I succumb
Your body like cheap motels, perfumed  idealistic summer tales
follow me into the season of orange
carve a smile in my face like a pumpkin
trying to keep the spark alive is redundant
who could’ve done it, I wasn’t
I didn’t look below before I jumped in
now I am swimming in all my presumptions
it was gold like a nugget, till it wasn’t
knew I could do better If I focussed on the constant
which is me and all my little flaws, if you could see behind all the walls
serpentine to carve my body from clay
morph and transform is all I know
my new metamorphosis awaits

I was always frightened
hiding from what happened to happen
constantly stressed no come down for the wicked
apprehensive to tenderness
running from abandonment
no rest for the wicked

I was always dodging
insults, punches, and negativity
didn't believe that love would kiss me on the cheek
these hounds, hounds of love are after me
I can’t come out of my warped fantasy
I run and jump; the sea catches me
too afraid to confront what is happening

Don’t yuck my yum
Don’t block my sun
Don’t just rot away
Take the chance to become
a complex and invested individual
to embody the power of an arrow

Don’t yuck my yum
Don’t front your love
Don’t just walk away
Take the dance to become
undone and unburdened individual
to exhibit the speed of an arrow

why all these secrets, so deceiving
picking at my weakness what was the reason
I am heated, I've been burned
I thought with you the leaf would turn
but I guess it is still not my turn
after all these trauma a win I thought I earned
weeping into my diary, crying out words
but none can encapsulate this heartache
my heart breaks at the thought of watching you stray
watching you undermine me, watching you defy me
the road ahead is hard, even harder with these extra scars
I wish I got out unscathed, now I must bathe in this defeat

clean fit, ***** city
manz gripping the waist because i’m too pretty
breaking it down on Yonge street
breaking it down for the young me
that had to hide, inner child suicide
now i surf the waves and follow the tides
imagining what it would be like
to be a son of skyscrapers
imagining what it could be like
if i left my nest i’ve built
home is where the heart is
but where is mine
i think i found it in the rainbow

nightmares in action
side eyeing distraction
you could never be real
never tell me how you feel
running through crowds to escape
your face, my fate
too close to the poisons i grew
your place, replaced
give myself grace
rub my rose quartz slab
hypothesize a better end
rub my rose quartz slab
hypothesize a quick end

stomach aches, anxious daze
body anxiety ruining the day
candles burn, ravens sing
the feeling of death is sinking in
acceptance, repentance
anger comes in waves
transcendent, independence
refining my old ways

my roots weave a basket in this shallow ***
wish i got more than i got
wish i got what i sought
my face feels different in the mirror now
shot with an arrow but it i caught
the only thing i could ever stop
wish i got what it sought

sun coated my skin and hair
until the dark clouds came rolling in
steel coloured bullets raining down
houses, trees, animals unbound
once on the ground, now in the sky
my upside down life is facing right side
11 minutes is all it took
to completely rewire my life

kiss my Adam's apple

then make your way to my pearled necklace

Adorn me with your love like a prince in a castle

Be rough with me, a little reckless

time is only a concept forged by men

who says we ever have to leave this bed again

I am shaken, riddled with desires

I am taken, aback by your torrid fires

blistering heat, unimaginable peak

you are so sweet like freshly picked strawberries

it's your physique and mystique

you read me like libraries

this place is a pond
destined to dry, destined to die
i fashion some wings, white and long
i left before i could see it was wrong
spending my seconds before the sun
before tumbling down into the blue ocean
serpents and mermen
sharks and eels
my lungs fill like swimming pools
my restlessness got me killed

what fantasy should I play into today
watch the fruitful image become laced with dust like Pompeii
what fantasy should I play into today
become just another burnt-out cigarette in your astray
my life is simply a fallacy, nobody truly cares for me, losing my sanity in the name of chastity
my life is unsatisfactory, nobody truly can handle me, confidence beat up no battery, take another shot of vanity
woah, I feel it start to form
woah, the new queen of the swarm
woah, x marks the spot no storm
woah, no longer can conform
to society, their ideology in breach of me
and my values, firmer than statutes
life can bruise, covered in the cool hues
and my bad news is I can still lose
but why focus on the lack and knives wedged in my back
rather not focus on that
discard the cracks and sneak attacks
rather not focus on that
my walls are up and they keep you back

roundabouts, talking downtown
sought you out, now you are within my claws now
like a mouse to a cat, mice to a trap
loveless until that night
where you spread my legs like butter and treated me better
than any other
where you didn't stutter when you get bare with me under the covers
not a facade, not so bleak
not what I am used to, no more dead-end streets
fruitful summer romances I never got to reap
the benefits of, entangled love
these rose coloured glasses I will never take off
the red flags waving like China
But I can't give you up because I like you, kinda

kissing silence instead of pushing her away
running away from any type of pain
night-crawling, snoozing all day
night-crawling, losing my days
smoke, smoke, smoke it all away
i can already feel myself elevate
they want me to pay for pills to fix my brain
i shouldn’t have to pay to stay sane