slowly crackling inside,
shattering little by little,
while I'm sitting.
feeling,
but not really paying attention:
noticing but not focusing.

Sat in the passenger seat,
Gazing out the window,
Coasting along.

As a teen,
I am meant to feel,
The most alive.
So why do I feel,
So dead inside?

wishing for a break
from the hectic mania
that my mind projects
and the absolute havoc
the outside world reaps

Reality is escaping the grasp,
Of my hands.
Their hold was too loose,
The loss: inevitable.
Simultaneously living in the past,
And existing in the present,
Proves detrimental.

I see my eyes in the mirror,
But they do not seem,
To belong to me.
They are empty,
Of a different essence.

Straining,
Attempting to find a glimpse,
Of familiarity.
Without success,
My anger boils.
Starting at the bottom of my stomach,
And pouring out my ears and mouth.

A loud bang is followed by clanging.
Glass falls around my feet,
Blood flows from my hand,
Hanging beside me.
The mirror is broken,
And displays me more accurately,
Than ever.

Desolate:
Barely illuminated by the street light,
A dark figure stands,
With its hood up,
Looking into my bedroom window.

I wait for it to more forward,
To begin its expedition,
In murdering me.

But it does not move an inch,
As if to taunt me and say:,
"Stop looking."

I do not know why,
I feel hollow inside.
It does not make sense.
I am not empty.
My body is stuffed,
With sadness,
And a sick feeling,
Of the past.

I don't want to be 19.
That's how old you were,
When we met.
I understand,
Your mind wasn't that,
Of an adult's.
Currently,
Neither is mine,
But your body was,
And I was 15.

alone,
cold,
and senseless,
your skin somehow felt warm,
under my fingertips.
euphoria ensued,
but was soon replaced,
with an emptiness.
draining me of life,
i had to get out.

a skeleton
tried to **** me
in my sleep
i wonder
if he was so violent
in his past life

despair
sticks to me like glue
invasive thoughts
make themselves at home
within my mind
self-doubt roams freely
about my body
anxiety settles down
in the walls of my heart
solace is no where to be found

drag a match
along my teeth
i taste the sulfur
on the tip
of my tongue
staring at the small flame
i have the strongest urge
to touch it
and feel the slight burn
then douse myself in gasoline
and be swallowed by it whole

i don't know,
anyone else like you.
you feel,
as deeply as i do.
you understand my hurt...
but we are no longer.

only our memories,
will live on.
often times,
i wish they would die.
so you would never be,
on my mind.
i don't know,
anyone like you,
and i think,
that is a good thing.

i want to throw myself off a bridge
if it means
you will no longer
flood my head

you are pretty,
but that is all.
if your appearance
reflected your heart
it would be hard
for people to look at you,
in your distorted face
but i still would
to tell you
to go **** yourself.

i want to know
the sound of your heartbeat
so
send me your favorite song

the first thing i see is headlights.
the beam is so intense,
it startles me.
i hear the rush of wind,
circling around me,
whipping against my warm skin.
the light is approaching rapidly,
piercing my eyesight,
blinding my vision.
the blare of a horn,
sends my ears ringing.
the last thing i see is darkness.

I rip myself apart,
piece by piece.
I place bits of my heart,
into your hands.

you step on me.
burying my body,
beneath soil.
no mercy,
in your eyes.

you were never aware,
of all that manifested,
beneath my shell,
deep within my heart.
so why would you mind,
tearing it apart?

disappointed and embarrassed,
my heart is heavy.

you make me sad...
not because of who you are,
but because of who i imagined you to be.

i think your scars are pretty.
i know,
they are meant to reflect pain,
or suffering,
or both.
but i cant stop looking at them,
and seeing how much beauty,
they add to your skin.

i scream until my throat hurts
until it feels scratched
by your jagged fingernails

i scream until the pain numbs
and dulls a bit

i scream until i cry

tears uncontrollably streaming down my face

the demon in my dream
was friendly
he was much nicer to me
than you ever were

you say you need someone,
but ill never be that person.
even if somewhere deep down,
you still want me.
i will always long for,
the idea of us,
side by side:
physically,
and emotionally,
intertwined.
but you have your loyalty,
and i have my pride,
so maybe one day,
these feelings,
will subside.

casually crying
internally dying
obviously lying
about the pain
coursing through
all my veins
my blood is poisoned
with personal anguish

avoid my feelings
bolt home
distract
to avoid contact
with my emotions
of deep distress
refuse to confess
i cant suppress
the misery
any longer

i admit it
i can't drown
in my agony
anymore

feed me
your toxicity
bathe me
in your dysfunction
promise me
and deliver nothing
tell me
you want me
and never show it
show me attention
affection
when convenient
and when not
leave me in the shadows
to regret in solitude

i could drown
in the love i have for you
and somehow
i wouldn't mind

I wish I could have captured,
Your feelings,
The way I snap pictures,
And eternalize moments.

you promise comfort,
but I see nothing but chills,
in your eyes.

disassociating *******
consciousness, far from here
lost amongst the clouds in the sky
as I come down, they follow me
fog lays softly upon the ground I walk on

There is a tornado wreaking havoc,
Within the walls of my skull,
Shattering my psyche.

There is a small voice,
Imbedded in the lining of my stomach,
Speaking of hope and potential.
The noise is so faint,
I dare call it a whisper.

talking to you,
is like smoking a cigarette.
your toxins slowly **** me.
at first it's hard to notice.
you hit my bloodstream,
and I get a bit lightheaded.
but over time,
I grow weaker,
and it gets harder to pick up the lighter.

I'm in lust with you.
You have revealed,
Your passion parallels mine.
I refuse to release the string,
That's upholding these fits of,
Physical infatuation.
My bed feels warm.
You are no where near,
But at least i know,
You are thinking of me;
And it warms my bed.