The
Cat
Drug
It's
Nail
Down
My
Skin.
Was
It
The
Cat
Though
Or
Is
That
What
I
Want
You
To
Believe?

Out of everyone there has been her.
She stayed and never once judged me.
She has been my best friend for a while now.
She's also a role model and my inspiration.
I told the silver to stop mutilating my skin for her.
I told the darkness to leave because she led me to the light.
Never once did I mean to hurt her in any way.
I'm sorry.
I'm so very sorry
I hope u don't hate me.
Because I love you.

There's not enough rain in Oklahoma to wash the sins out of that house.
So here I hide motionless like a dead mouse.
I began silent and died silent.
I began pale and unable, unwilling, to breath.
Now again I feel anxiety making it impossible to breath.
I thought I was making improvement.
I thought maybe for once in my life there was a chance I wasn't going to have to take meds the rest of my life to keep me alive.
That ship sailed.
I didn't take them yesterday and I already feel pain.
I feel the anxiety.
I feel the waves pushing me under.
I'm drowning again.
Mom says I need to take my meds.
I know I need to.
Sometimes I just forget.
The next day I am flung high into the sky then pushed down under the waves to the deepest parts of the ocean.
Here I will stay for a little.

I've never needed her more.
I've never wanted to open the door.
Letting people in.
Letting the voices win.
I'm weak right now.
Weaker than I've been before.
I need you.

Your orange fur.
Sleep now sweet boy.
You don't have to stay alive if it hurts.
I know it's hard.
You had good times.
Biting my feet when I tried to have tea in the morning.
Sleeping by me every night.
Chasing rabbits in dawns early light.
I've heard heavens real nice.
There's probably a lot of mice.
You were a sweet boy.
I love you.
I will always love you.
Bye my kitty boy.
Let go if u can't fight anymore.

I was born a sin.
I was born a lesbian.
For all you who think I chose to be this way.
You made a horrible mistake.
You think I would chose to be hated for my ****** orientation?
Do you think I would chose to get taunted and threatened more than once a week?
Do you think I love the way people stare at me when I so much as wear a button that says tolerance?
Do you think I like getting called a ***** and a sin?
Getting told I'm an abomination to the lord?
Do you think I like reading articals about gay bashing a and hearing from my gay uncle about his expirence growing up gay in nv?
He told me once when I first came out that I don't know if I'm lesbian, and if I ever think there is a possibility of being straight that I'd better go take that chance.
He knew what I would go through and wanted to protect me.
I got taunted and teased at school.
Stupid boys didn't leave me alone.
I relied on violence to protect myself.
Finally I began to get angry.
I wasn't okay anymore.
I spend more than half of middle school is residential treatment centers fighting depression and bipolar disorder.
I got to watch my girlfriend/ best friend turn into nothing due to drugs.
So you still think I chose to be this way?
Well *******!
I didn't get a choice.
It's not like I woke up and thought hey today I think I'll go be lesbian.
Go find a girlfriend and just do it despise all the homophobes out there because I like being difficult.

That's why I am like I am cuz im my mom.
My mom, my mom, I know your probably tired of hearing about my mom.
But this is just a story of how when I was just a shorty and how I got hooked on ******.

So this isn't really a poem more of a short story about my day yesterday.

I was in school, color guard, to be more specific. We were talking about up coming color guards and who's going to be on them. I already knew I was failing math and was just going to text gwenyth later, I was hoping nobody noticed that I wasn't raising my hand to be in colorguards. I kinda floated o the back behind everyone. Also because I don't like a few people on colorguard and I'm extremely shy around the rest. a certain person on Cg makes me feel extremely unconfortable and annoys me a lot. She always has to be pushing people and telling people stuff. She irritates me a lot. At the beginning of the year she told someone something that I wish I hadn't told her and ****** up stuff between me and another chick. Now I can barely even talk to this chick. I just kinda want to punch her in the face. She is always pushing me around and hugging on me and bossing me around. She can be okay sometimes but really annoying.
   So we were all talking, then gwenyth looked at me... "What about you? Do u want to be on any colorguards?" I looked at her and shook my head.
I felt the walls begin closing in and thought I was going to have to just walk out of there because I thought a panic attack was about to grab me. "Just breath" I repeated in my head, "your not going to break that easy. What are you talking about you already are broken..." I looked up from the ground and caught one girl from Cg looking at me. She is one of the few people on Cg I trust. Her, gwenyth, another girl, and another boy are the only people I trust. The rest are freshman and freshman are hard to trust. I met the girl's glance then looked away. For some reason I find her extremely hard to be around because she is just unbelievably amazing. Idk how to explain it. She's like a poison darth frog, in the best way... In case this ever gets back to her. She is completly beautiful but people tell me not to like her, but I refuse to judge her based on someone else's words. She is nice to me and takes time to actually have conversations with me so she's good in my book. She will remain that way until I have a legit reason to not like her.
   I continued to think to myself and just stayed calm. Then thank god class was over. I began to walk out of the school on my way home. Gwenyth was standing by the door and looked at me, "Hey! Swaim! Are you okay today?" I looked at her and practically meowed. Feeling like a complete idiot I walked away. I put my hood on a earphones in turning them up all the way. So what if I go deaf... I walked through the parking lot with the wind blowing against me. I looked at the grey world so dark. I took off my glasses and walked listening to Eminem blasting in my ears.
     I finally arrived home noticing my moms car was in the driveway. As I approached the driveway I saw Chae. She was sitting on the corner I walk past everyday staring at me. I was on my last line with her. She sits there messing with nemo.  I walked in the door and mom later there passed out on the couch. As soon as she woke up she began demanding me of stuff, get me water... Do this.... Do that. I did everything she asked. I messaged Emily hoping she might reply. Then Erika. Nobody. I ended up passing out on the floor after explaining what happened today to gwenyth. I finally had a break. Bam that sums up the day....

When this girl talks to me...
I instantly freeze.
Something about her.
I've never known anyone like her.
People talk cap about her but I don't know why...
Is her looks acting as a disguise?
She is always really nice,
She is also very beautiful.
Why the hell cant I just talk to her like a normal human would.
Instead I freeze up and look like a goof.
She said what's good?
I stared at her stunned and then she repeated herself.
What's good?
I continued to stare then started to laugh.
What is wrong with me?!?
She is only a human being.
I don't know why I freeze up.
I don't know why I try to duck.
Avoiding her at times like the plague.
Sorry you crazy redhead.
I don't mean to seem strange.
I just really really really am bad at talking to people.

No... No.... No....
Don't touch me.
Don't hugs me.
I don't like you.
Stop trying to do what you do.
Go away!!!!!

Girls don't dress to please the eyes of creeps.  
Kids don't ask you to take away something that wasn't yours to take.
No means no.
So what if she wears shorts and tank tops?
She doesn't have a sign on her saying **** me.
She said no, NO MEANS NO.
I don't even get people anymore.
I don't understand humans.
******* creeps.
Why the hell would someone feel the need to do that after they said no?
It's all over the news.
Child kidnapped and rapped found dead...
Young lady kidnapped anyone have any information please call....
Young boy last seen with this man on...
Too often are these children and adults never seen again, alive atleast.
People don't ask to get kidnapped sure people make ****** decisions. Never once did they asked to be killed, *****, or abused.
So this goes out to all you out there who actually give a **** about this...
We need more people like you in the world. We need more people who care about issues like these.
And to all the victims...
   It was not your fault. Sure people may have made bad desisions, maybe had too much substances. Maybe you were forced into things you will never forget. Again you are stronger than you know. You survived that and are living now. A lot of people take for granted how good they have it. The people who take for granted never had people do things to them they didn't want done.

Dance with me.
Leave me be!
Never loved you!
Honey what did I do?
I love you.
I need you.
Your my other half.
Forever.
**** that.
Forever.
Honestly I'd rather have never.
Bye.
Don't come to me and cry.
Just go away.
You've already killed me too many times.
I don't want you back ever.
Go away!
One day we will all wake up and it'll be a dream.

I lean over the edge. My feet never touch the ground, but I fly.

2. She ran her hand down my arm. Then she proceeded to wrap her arms around me.

3. Dancing is an outlet. Soaring to the music instead of putting a gun to you head and pulling the trigger.

I just wanted to take time to say, thanks you. It means a lot to know you guys would take times out of your lives to listen to me rant and complain about how broken society can be and about broken relationships and other random things. So I just want to say thank you a lot. It means a lot. Just know life gets better and you may think life is very hard but it gets better. I have a friend I've known for almost a year now who helped me learn that life gets better. This is also to thank her. She showed me that being okay includes not ditching everyone and that nobody is perfect. I noticed that people are actually perfect. They all are made up of billions of cells. Each cell making a very unique human. No humans act completly the same. Nor do humans completly understand each other's emotions, or even at the very least there own. Nobody knows theme selves. Well anyways, thank you guys. Again life WILL get better! ❤️

Bipolar....
Sometimes I am blue. Those are the days I bob under the waves and become pushed down into the deepest parts of the ocean.
Sometimes I feel orange. Mania hits me and I am in in the clouds jumping from wisp of fluff to the next. Other times I am in between. That is a place with no air no change. It's dull. I feel this way around people, majority of the time. One specific girl brings me out of the dullness. Sometimes around her I go down into the deepest parts of the ocean. My anxiety sky rockets up past the clouds. I am stuck at the bottom of the deepest part of the sea drowning in anxiety. It's because I'm too scared to walk up to her but I feel mean for not saying hi. Then when she says hi to me first I am pushed high up in the clouds. I feel the breeze, it's just the happiness flowing through me. My anxiety is beside me but I can watch it here. Therefore it isn't out of control. :)

He looked at me.
Who are you?
I stared back deep into his eyes searching for emotion.
Nobody knows do they?
He said I'm not a lesbian
I've never done IT with a guy so I don't know which way I bend.
I just want to slam him into a wall and punch him.
I want to knock him out cold.
I want to take out all my rage.
Instead I just continue to stare.
Then technically speaking your not a Hetero... You've never done it with a man...
His face turned red with rage... I am not like that. You are different being Herero is normal. I don't have to be with guys to find out I'm normal.
I smiled back... Well honey don't know what makes us different. Technically speaking again, it's homosapian not heterosapian. So... Anything to say now? That's what I thought...

Sometimes stuff is not gonna go the way you want.
Sometimes the world with explode under your feet.
Sometimes love will be just out of your grasp.
Sometimes people will be back stabbers.
Sometimes you'll bleed to death.
Sometimes you'll just have to sit there listening to angry music by Eminem to feel okay.
Sometimes you'll never be okay.
But that's okay.

This is how I feel...
...........................................………...........­.....................………................................………......­..........................………................................……….­...............................………...............................­.………................................………..........................­...... Blank

At the beginning of the week I had money in my drawer.
No there is no more.
Stupid young man.
Can't control his hands.
Needed to search my room.
Looked for the green bills.
******* now I'm broke.
This is very sad.
My brother robbed me.

God, that name hasn't killed me yet.
It just screams out regret.
I trusted you with everything.
And I obviously never meant a thing.
You helped me find myself.
Then you acted like somebody else.
You took away your pain.
You bowed down in shame.
You smoked and began to fly.
Fly higher than the sky.
Rarely were your eyes not glassy.
I though this whole mess was you being classy.
And to think I called you a brother.
Why even bother.
You were there when nobody else was.
Then you found a new buddy...
Drugs

She went on a trip.
Away in the state.
She went on a trip.
Away from contact.
I wait til she's online.
Then I message her.
I feel quite annoying.
I just really miss her.
I miss her a lot.
She is one of the only people I talk to.
Now what do I do?
She's not here.
Emily I miss you.
I want to know how it was.
It looks like you had fun.
Whenever you get the time let me know.
I really miss you just letting you know.

Depression watches me.
Waiting for the ****.
Depression tugs me under the waves.
Under the waves of the grey sea.

Depression holds on tight.
Wraps its arms around me.
It wispers in my ears.
Rocks me to sleep every night.

Depression is listening when I cry.
It drys the tears from my cheeks.
It encourages me to sleep.
It tells me when I should die.

Depression stares as I fall over the edge.
Depression talks in my ear.
Says sorry my dear.
I pushed you off the ledge.

And now depression made me dead.

My body freezes.
My airways weezes.
I am pushed away from a deep sleep.
On so deep that my insides weep.
Upon waking up its hard to move.
Nothing I can really do.
So I lay here and stare.
Unable to move even if I dared.
Stuck here for minutes at a time.
Staring up at the roof hiding the sky.
Unable to let tears leave my eyes.
Here I stay unable to cry.
In a deep deep comma like state.
Here I lay here like a fish on a plate.

The way I deal with my problems.
It isn't the best way.
Sneaking out to get the things I need.
Coming back high and unable to think right.
Yeah the street lights are blurs.
It's how I deal with losing her.

The way I deal with my problems.
Isn't always the right way.
I get in fights a lot.
The pills make me manic.
I no longer take the ones that calm me.
Instead I chose to stay up high.
Until I crash real low.
That's how I deal with losing her.

Such a vivid dream.
She walked up and wrapped her arms around me.
I remembered the way it felt when she's hold me close.
I guess I sorta miss it.
Last night I had a dream.

Such a vivid dream.
It was about her.
I miss her and wish she was here.
She made the choices she did.
I loved her a lot.
But now we are nothing but a past.

Such a vivid dream.
We sat in the grass at mendive.
We walked around the halls at the boys and girls club.
Over to the kids side.
I remember the staff would get mad.
Yes I do miss what we had.

So today is earth day.
A day where we celebrate.
After all the earth has done,
We treat it like ****.
We are slowly killing it.
We are filling it.
Filling it with trash and gunk.
Making it smell worse than a skunk.
We are contributing to global warming.
Yes we are killing the earth here is a warning.
Stop.
Let the earth live.
Stop killing it.

Alone here I am in this empty house.
Only thing I can here are the squeaks of dying mouse.
My cat has it by its neck.
Wait that's not correct.
The mouse bleed out on my floor.
Now it is a mouse no more.
So here I am here alone.
Just sitting here in the empty zone.
The room is dull.
The world is old.
Here in this empty house.
I can no longer hear the squeaking mouse.

Kindal
Crush
Kendal
Crush
**** my brain is exploding.
Kendal
Crush
It's a rush!!!
Too many pills.

I'm going to egg a house.
I shall walk to the door quiet as a mouse.
Take the white egg.
Fire away!!!
Egg splats.
Sorry I slashed your tires leaving them flat.
Shouldn't have ****** with me *****.
Hope u got a tow hitch.
Your car payed for your actions.
Can't wait to see your reaction.

Stress...
Sometimes it's wearing a dress.
Other times it's taking a test.
Girl! Chill take a rest.
There are many ways to deal.
Remember stress is very real.
You can bake a muffin.
Be careful not to burn your hand in the metal tin.
You can read a book.
Even if that book is on how to cook.
You can take a walk.
or talk and talk.
Curse under your breath.
Or you know just give it a rest.
You are alive and well.
Life is pretty swell.
Sweet girl just breath.

Indeed I fight.
I write and write.
No no violence.
Violence is how people get killed.
Can't have that happen now can we?

Instead I stay up at night.
I write and I write.
The voices that scream in my head.
I put them on paper.

I've lost most of the light.
I write and write.
A friend drags me back.
Put discovering the light takes time.
Time I don't have.

The silver bites.
I write and write.
The silver runs down places only I see.
Others can't because it's covered.
Nobody sees thin lines.
Nobody sees scars left behind.

It exposes my frights.
I write and I write.
The shadows that haunt me.
They tap the wall in the dark.
Mom says they aren't real.
Dad says it's not a big deal.
I hear them.
They want me to do things.
Terrible unthinkable things.
Luckily I have some self control.
Barely enough.

I walk on a line that's very tight.
I write and I write.
The line can snap anytime.
It has before.
It left me falling into nothing.
Chae pushed me off balance.
I fell for someone not worth falling for.
I fell hard for someone not worth falling for.
Please help me.
I don't sleep anymore.
Atleast not without the drugs.
Not without the silver.
Not without the voices.
Not without her.
I still feel her here.
Somehow I'm glad she's gone.
I like staying up with the voices.

So in the dark of the night...
I write and I write.

The smoke fills my lungs.
The drug took me high and flung.
Sky high now.
I don't want to come down.
But quickly crash.
Down down down.

My face glows.
My hair flies when the wind blows.
I had a dream again.
The one before her and I had our end.
Back when she still loves me.
Back when we were like family.
Her dark brown hair.
Mysterious eyes.
Why even think of her?
Every time I do a little bit of me dies.
Now I dry my eyes.
She hates everything I do.
The ones who I haven't ****** up are few.
She hates my guts.
Hated the fact that I was in a depressed rut.
******* Chae.
Why do I think of you every day?
I can't even hate you.
what did u do.

Thoughtlessly I wander.
Wander back and fourth.
Here I sit and ponder.
What if I never was here?
Let go of a tear.
What if I just stepped away.
Never stepped into the light of about her day?
I wonder who would be sad.
Or on the contrary who would be glad.
Dad wouldn't mind.
Mom wouldn't be far behind.
I know it would crush many.
Put smiles on some.
When I'm done I'm done.

Such a sweet little girl.
How her hair falls into little twirls.
Spending hours each morning molding her body into perfection.
She isn't her reflection.
With my desperation to save her.
I no longer was my fathers daughter.
Hope u appreciate it.
Yeah stupid *****.
Can't believe I called you my sister.

Well honey today you hit your head hard.
You had nothing to say.
Completely forgot about what we did today.
That's okay though baby.
We can make more memories.
Here's a little sum it up for you.
We walked like we do.
From my school to yours.
I had to turn around because I couldn't go anymore.
Too close to the past.
It was too soon too fast.
Well baby just know.
I love you so.

The dark is when I can write.
Words work onto my pages during the night.
I can express the emptiness I feel.
It's the only way I recall on how to deal.
Deal with the pain from past lovers.
Deal with the hate from almost step mothers.
Even I'm not invited to my fathers wedding.
**** it, not like I wanted to see him give her a ring.
She said I must wear heels and a dress.
Smile act a bit impressed.
Well mummy oh my,
How the time flew by.
You really don't know me.
I wouldn't lay a finger on a dress you see.
And love if my girlfriend won't be allowed to accompany me,
I am not sorry to say I'm uninterested in your stupid wedding.
Your homophobic lies.
Look at you bat you beautiful eyes.
Honey it is a sin.
God knows you'll find out when...
When what???
When I burn in hell? You ****?
What is God going to do?
He's more accepting that you.
I go to church twice a week say prays every night.
But still according to you I'm doing nothing right.
I'm an abomination to the holy lord.
Wish you could hit my girlfriend with your ford?
Lay a finger on her you can go through me.
So please excuse me.
No I will not go to your no homos allowed ******* wedding.
Who gives a rats *** if your marrying my father.
He sure as hell never treated me like his daughter.
So why even bother.

I become so numb,
I can't feel you there,
I become so tired so much more aware,
Striving to please you,
Mistakes in everything I do.
I know i may end up failing to,
But I know u were just like me with someone disappointed in you.
Breath my angel.
Don't cry my love.
Your safe here.

Repeativly I appoligize.
I don't know how she hasn't realized.
When I talk about a crush.
I feel my heart begin to rush.
I remember that last time I told you.
I wondered how you'd react what you would do.
Instead I kinda feel like you forgot the next day.
Now I just identify you as a person whenever I say.
The work crush.
Yes my heart rush.
Only because it's you.
You are the reason I do what I do.
I try to hide feelings with others.
But no one makes me happy like you.
I just don't know what to do.
This is how I will say it.
I like you.

My girlfriend is in middle school.
My grandma said that is an issue.
She had never approved.
Aproved of my homosexually tendencies.
She told me it was a sin a tragedy.
It's a sin.
Grandma you aren't even religious.
It doesn't matter you are still a sin.

My chemical romance dead...

"...And if your heart stops beating I'll be here wondering, did you get what you deserved? The ending of your life? And if you get to heaven I'll be here waiting baby, you get what you deserve. So when your heart won't take then this heart you break. Your dead..."

I can't help wondering if I will be going to hell.
There's really no way to tell.
Sure you can spend your life begging for forgiveness.
But what makes you think it covers your sins.
Almost every day I get the feeling I'm going to hell.
I know why it's the reason I fell.
Ascended from the good girl I was.

..."Time makes you bolder,
Children get older, and I'm getting older too.
So take this love and I took it down.
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hill.
Well maybe, well maybe, the landslide will bring you down. "...
Stay strong. You couldn't be more perfect. You are an amazing human. One of the best humans I know. Every time you wave or smile at me I can't help but smile back. You are freaking beautiful and defiantly one of my best friends.

Just like a child
Young and wild.
Never setting limits.
Racing through life.
Never knowing wrong from right.