I know the rules,
She has never heard them,
I am colourful, a vibrant ball,
She is bland, dull, tall,
She knows you now,
I know now and past,
She knows not of how you drink,
I know when you've had your last,
I am passion and power,
She is quiet and demure,
She is fat,
And I am thin,
Yet I am out,
And she is in.

I spend my life in exit rows
Ready to pull the door at moments notice
And escape

I
never
thought
forever
would
be
this
short

The tenants of my heart,
Have so recently been evacuated,
Their departure was abrupt,
And they left much behind.
But my heart is for rent,
I'm opening up the space,
I promise you, you'll be pleased,
There is no better place.
The space is wide and open,
You can paint the walls,
I won't mind.
Make the place your home,
It's safe, it's warm,
The fee is rather small, I swear,
And a simple thing to do,
I will not charge you money to rent,
Out my simple heart,
I only ask that you bring love with,
And please,
Don't tear it apart.

I fell in love with you in fractions,
At first it was simply with your shy awkwardness,
The way our silences were never filled,
And that was absolutely ok.
And then it was with your face,
The stubble on your chin,
The way your eyes crinkle slightly at the corners,
And how you look me in the eye when we talk.
That was followed by the way you held me,
Our bare chests pressed against each other,
Your hands softly caressing my back,
And how you would whisper the sweetest things,
Into my left ear.
And finally I fell in love with the way you didn't love me,
And I was so painfully filled with love for you,
That every fiber of my being begs for you to feel it,
Too.

I fell in love with you in fractions.
At first it was simply with your shy awkwardness,
The way our silences were never filled,
And that was absolutely okay.
And then it was with your face,
The stubble on your chin,
The way your eyes crinkle slightly at the corners,
And how you always look me in the eye when we talk.
Following this was the pain of our goodbyes,
How each hug didn't feel like enough,
And even when our parting should have been finalized,
We continued.
That was followed by the way you held me,
Our bare chests pressed against each other,
Your hands dancing down my back,
Your fingers tracing each of my tattoos,
And how you would whisper the sweetest things,
Into my left ear.
And finally I fell in love with the way you didn't love me,
The way you cared, but not enough.
And I was so painfully filled with love for you,
That every fiber of my being begged for you to feel it,
Too.

I had long forgotten,
This nervous bumping,
Within my stomach of,
Butterfly wings brushing against,
Hearts, lungs, stomachs.
But he has brought it back,
With the fury of a hurricane,
Sudden, only slightly expected,
But never truly prepared.
Each message is now carefully typed,
Carefully prepared, time decided upon,
Each phone call spent nervously,
Picking at my cuticles until the bleed,
My heart is beating out of my chest,
Every time my phone buzzes.
I forgot for so long,
This giddy revelation,
Of fresh emotions and nervous,
Banter across states.
But, God, oh God,
Am I glad he's brought it back.

I woke up alone,
In that King Sized bed,
Panicked that you had gone.
And then I realized
You had been gone
For a long time.

When your dad finally,
Buys you your hand gun,
I'll carve your name,
Into the bullets and
Place my head on the target.
You've killed me so many times now,
Let's just make it permanent.
And with the bullet and
You name there and
My eyes on you
the whole time,
There will be no doubt
You will be the last thing
Ever going through my head.

His words stab me in the heart,
Rip my insides to pieces,
Leave me bleeding.
Yet, sadly,
His words somehow try to place a bandage,
Over my wounds he caused.

How dare you tell me
I am not allowed to feel as if
I want my life to end,
When you used to come to me,
With your words screaming the pain
and longing for your own death
Because of the things which she did to you.
How dare you say I cannot want
To hurt myself,
When you have told me
I had caused some of the scars
On your wrist.

I am afraid of recovery,
I am afraid of being along,
I am afraid of purging  you from my system,
I am afraid of the two of us never speaking again,
So here I am begging you not to leave things like this,
I am afraid of leaving you behind in my memories,
I am afraid our jokes will disappear,
I am afraid of missing you,
I am afraid of recovery

I bargained with Death,
And Death said to me,
"I'll let you live,
But it will be a life full of misery,
And one day you will beg,
For me to come back,
And I will simply turn my head,
And laugh."

I keep having this dream over and over again where I am drowning. I'm at the surface, paddling at the choppy waves, screaming, water crashing against me. And you are standing on the dock, holding a rope, and you look out at me like you're about to throw it to me and save me but you turn away and throw it to her instead I keep having this dream.

Maybe seeing you in those
dreams
over and over again
Is supposed to mean something
But I don't think
It would mean anything
to you
So, I guess I'll
Just stay quiet.

I will marry a man,
Who will never let me go to sleep angry,
A man who will hang up the phone,
Then call back right away to apologize.
I will marry a man,
Who never tells me I'm too small,
And never forget to say "I" in front of "love you,"
A man who isn't afraid to kiss me,
Every hour of every day, regardless
Of our surroundings.
I will marry a man,
Who wants to travel with me,
And explore the world,
But knows exactly when I need to stay home.
A man who never judges me weakness,
Or tells me my worries are "wrong,"
But a man who holds me,
Whenever I'm falling apart,
And is never afraid,
To fight for me.
I will marry a man who is all these things,
And somehow even more.
Yet part of me,
Still hopes I'll be marrying you.

When you left,
I tore everything apart,
To find my old journals,
And search for you,
My first words of you,
the words you wrote back,
And I found them.
I found them and you're everywhere,
Everywhere in them,
Everywhere in me,
So where are you now?

Snowflake kisses
Are almost as good
As the real thing.

Close your legs,
Little *****,
You are a destination,
Not simply a door.
All your friends will know now,
And each one will judge you so,
You know what will happen,
You've gone through this before,
Silly, slutty, little girl,
When will you learn?
You are a destination not a door.

I flew to Denver,
With my heart on my sleeve,
Unsure of what awaited.
But little did I know,
You were  an avid fisherman,
And I was already baited.

I think one of the most terrifying,
Heartbreaking,
Moments
Is when you try to,
Remember someone and you can see,
Everything,
Except their face.

"The Girl With The Pink Hair"
Will always be dedicated to you,
For giving me a reason to live,
When I thought I didn't have one.

This will be the first time in a long time not ringing in the New Year with you. And what is a celebration if I don't turn to see you beside me? What does any of this past year matter if you won't be there in the future? I want to drive to your house and throw all your things onto your lawn, scream at you for what you've done. I want to drive to your house and kidnap you, take you away from all the dark things there. I want to drive to your house and profess my devotion and love and admiration and hear you once again, finally, say those three words back.
There are so many things which I desperately want.
But today is New Year's Eve.
And it will be the first New Year I haven't rung in with you in a long time.

Perhaps I was just,
Another notch on your belt,
Of the 84 women you've ever dated.

I like to think,
What we had was far deeper,
For it lasted four times longer,
Than any of your others.

But you moved right on,
As if we had been nothing,
But a gust of wind in the summer:
Beautiful, but fleeting

I said "People always leave,"
And you said those were
silly people from our
silly, beat up town.
You said that I needent worry
Because we were so much more
than that,
But look at us now
You've left
And I'm still right here.

Perhaps I wasn't made for anyone,
Perhaps I was made to stay alone,
With my thoughts,
And my words,
But perhaps,
On a better side of things,
Perhaps,
I was made for myself.

Perhaps it wasn't just his right eye that was blind,
Perhaps it was his,
Moral compass,
And his heart, a little, too.

The problem with opening up,
And speaking the sad words,
"I don't want to be here anymore,"
And showing your scars,
So intimately sharing yourself,
With those you trust so dearly,
Is that, inevitably, the next thing,
To follow,
Is pity.

Kissing the ground home
Writing haikus in the air
Long plane rides are done.

You promised me forever,
Then so quickly,
You took it away.

You breathed your life into me,
Resuscitated me,
Saved me every single day.

And now you have gone,
You took it and,
Stripped it all away.

How cruel you are,
To try,
And play God.

Please remove him,
From my thoughts,
I'm not in his,
So I'd wish he weren't in mine.

Please remove him from my veins,
Which bleed for him as
I tear them open in a pathetic
Attempt to set him free.

Please remove him from my tears,
For I do not wish to shed anymore,
Not for him,
Not for her.

Please remove him from my heart,
Which drums each beat to his tune,
It is far to sad to play a song for him,
Knowing he will never listen again.

Please remove him from my words,
He is not deserving,
Yet here he is,
Laced in each line,
His presence ever unnerving.

Is it possible to
Have a pre-life crises?
For I am nowhere near
Mid-life,
Yet I find myself deeply,
In peril.

Dreams too often become reality,
Now ours have become mixed.
We are living nightmares,
But perhaps we can be fixed?
No, no, no, you won't be trying,
No matter how much I call,
Even as I'm crying,
You don't care at all.

Christmas used to be my favourite holiday. And you knew that.
But on the day we were supposed to celebrate, the 23rd, you crashed your car. You crashed your car after spending the night at a girls house.
And did you call me and ask to be saved?
No.
You called her.
And you kissed her.
And you wouldn't have even told me it happened. You would have lied.
And then we celebrated. On the 26th. And I found out, but not from you.
And you said you were sick of my constant crying. But how did you expect me to act?
But when I think back and remember Christmas, I think the worst part was
That your mother had crossed out "from" on all my presents
And instead had written "love."

The weight is dropping off my body,
Like rain rolls off the roof,
My skin is growing tighter,
Like the rope of a noose,
Tight against my rib cage,
The skin forms lips, a pout;
I keep growing smaller,
To get my heart out.

You said we couldn't talk anymore,
So you helped our lips do other things,
And your hands joined in quickly
Until the knock came at the door
And with silence and a hug, we parted,
Maybe forever.

Scars on my heart
Scars on my hips
I think I'll die
With your name on my lips.

I've stopped wearing seat belts
And looking both ways before I cross
Because when I hear the screech of tires
And feel my car slip and fishtail
It makes me feel something
When all I feel now is nothing.

To know a secret,
Is such a giddy feeling, powerful, fun.

To have someone know you own secret,
Fills you with dread and despair.

An odd
Parallel.

What a silly little girl,
Thinking you'd be something more,
Than just late night, drunk ***,
Rolling on the floor.
How naive it was of you,
To pretend you had a chance,
So take your slap to the face,
And wallow in your ignorance.

I could love you for a thousand years,
If only you would let me.

If people really are made of stardust,
I think, perhaps,
You and I are made of the same star.

For no one has ever seen me the way you have,
And no one has ever made me feel so whole.

But what are we to do,
When our star grows too old
and becomes a black hole?

When my beating heart,
Was falling apart at the seams,
You took a thread and needle,
And stitched each break together,
With your name.

Now you are trying to take,
The strings back out,
But my heart has grown around them,
And your name won't leave my mind.

Your eyes are storms,
Grey and silver and constantly
Churning, lightning sparking the
Brilliance within them.

My eyes are rocks,
Upon the shore,
Where your storms beat waves,
Relentlessly, but the rocks still
Stand.

A ship tried once,
To sail between the two of us;
Storm and Shore.
But your waves were quick to beat them,
And upon my rocks, they were quick to break.

No ship has tried to sail between us,
Since that fateful day.
Such an odd pair we make,
But we always find a way.

You and Me,
We could fit perhaps,
If you tried and cared,
And I didn't care too much.
But of course you won't try or care,
And I will spend my nights pining over someone
Who isn't even mine,
And we will do this tango,
Of similar thoughts for each other,
Without ever acting upon them.

I could have spent hours on that tarmac,
Waiting for planes, and adventure, and you.
God, I waited for you.
Now all I want to do is fly away.

I remember I used to be asked by you,
All the time,
"Are you okay?"
And I would say,
"I'm fine."
You would look at me,
With this steady gaze in your,
Storm eyes,
And say,
"I didn't ask if you were fine,
I asked if you were okay."
And now every time I am upset,
You sternly say,
"You're fine."
And I think there is deep
Irony in that.

You set a glass on my desk,
The day that you left,
And I leave it there in hopes,
That one day you'll come back
To move it

You drifted in like the tide,
Ebbing and flowing all around me,
Covering me in what was you.
And now youre drifting out and away,
And all I can hope is,
You'll stick true to the tide and,
Come back again.