I tried
I truly did
But now I'm left
Sitting here wondering
If recovery is
Even plausible.

This has been my life
For almost six years
And how do you
Give something up
After that long?

People say that there's hope
But I can't seem to see
any left in
Pandora's beautiful box,
There's no hope for me.

Do you see now,
Just how desperate I feel
How alone
How scared
I just want to be free.

It's Christmas day
Everyone's smiling
Everyone's fake.
Joy is lacking,
Emptiness is raging,
and no one cares
about anyone,
just everyTHING.
Why have we gotten
So superficial?
What has come
To the world,
That we should behave,
In such a way?
You get everything on your list.
It's still not enough.
You should be content,
But your fake smile
Is the closest thing
To happiness you know.
Your family is together,
But that may truly be
A bad thing.
Because, suddenly,
No one is themselves,
And you're all transforming
Into little Barbie dolls.
This Christmas,
Just like all of the last,
You ask yourself,
Why isn't it enough?
Well, I'll tell you why.
You're focusing on the wrong,
And not the right,
The bad,
Rather than the good,
Santa,
Rather than Jesus.

Our relationship became a game,
We both needed to win
We were on the same team,
But still competed against each other
Almost killing ourselves while trying
Who could be the thinnest
Weigh the least
Eat the least
Take up no space
We were helping each other die
And then we helped others
Do the same to themselves
My hair is falling out
But all I can think,
Is maybe that will make
The number go down
But whoever wins this game
Will really lose,
In reality
We all will lose
She killed us
Took four teenage girls
To their premature grave
And used us,
To take many more.
Are we happy yet?
No, we are skeletons,
but we believe we are whales.
We are murders,
Teaching wannabes
How to be,
But we claim to be helping.
Life is not a game,
and we need to stop treating it
As if it is.
We need to value life,
To stop playing the game
Before we end up
Six feet under.

To everyone who called me fat,
You are why I'm doing this
Starving myself to bones.

To everyone who called me a ****,
You are why I'm doing this
Throwing myself at guys.

To everyone who called me ugly,
You are why I'm doing this
Spending hours getting ready in the morning.

To everyone who hurt me,
You are why I'm doing this
Why I don't trust, or even get touched.

To everyone who used me,
You are why I'm doing this
Why I have long sleeves covering the cuts, which represents the pain.

To everyone who loved me,
Too much to use cruel words
You are the reason I'm still alive.

I'll be thin.
If it kills me,
Then so be it.

I'll be perfect.
If it kills me,
Then so be it.

I'll be beautiful.
If it kills me,
Then so be it.

I'll be good enough.
If it kills me,
Then so be it.

My bones will show.
If it kills me,
Then so be it.

I'll be happy.
But that only comes
With the things listed above,
And if it kills me,
Well, then so be it.

Caleb and Yeki
Layin' in a bed
One does a *******,
The other does head.
First come tongue
Then comes ***,
And we no what happens next,
There's a pregnant Yex!

Help me
I'm desperate
I have puke in my hair

Help me
I'm desperate
I threw up twice in an hour

Help me
I'm desperate
No one sees the pain I'm in

Help me
I'm desperate
Or is there even a point?

I'm so cold
I hate the snow
And now my skin
Is almost just as white
The number on the scale
Goes down by the day
Along with it
My energy
Hope
Love
Care
and life.
I'm killing myself
I understand that now.
I don't want to live like this,
but I know no other way
I long to fell peace
I long to feel free
And although I claim
That this life is giving it to me
It's really a lie.
And I'm in a cage.
Save me from myself
Please, I pray.
Save me from me,
because I might not see another day.

I'm so happy right now
I'm dancing in my seat
A smile is glued
Onto my bright face
People are staring
Unable to get
Why I'm lost
In a world of joy
I couldn't explain why
So please don't ask
Just let me be
Let me dance
Let me scream
Let me smile
Let me be me
Even if
It's different than who
I often am

Another day
Another paper
Another test
Another way
To fix this mess
Another class
Another offer
Another teacher
Telling me I'll do great
Another college
Another price
Another world
One that I'm afraid of
Another day
I wake up
Another night
I go to sleep
Another test
I have to pass
Another paper
I have to write
Another style
I have to try
Just to try to get
Another college acceptance

My little eyes
Squinted as they
Searched for an attacker
My tongue stretched out
To catch a fly
For my dinner
Out of the corner of my eye
I spotted a two legged creature
The same people who
Paved over my home
Killed my dinner
Stepped on my mom
And destroyed my air
The cruel beings
Who selfishly paved
A mall over my home
Killed the bugs
That were annoying them
And stepped on my mom
Like she wasn't even there
They don't think of
The frogs that lived in that swamp
Or the ones that are going to eat
The poisoned bugs
Or even the few
That may be out for a stroll
Just two small to be seen
The two legged creatures called humans
Are killing my species called frogs

You say she's awful
That she doesn't care
You don't know
How easy we talk
And converse about my life
Her name is Ana,
She's no demon
She's my friend,
And she cares more about me
Than anyone ever will
She tells me the truth
No matter how much it hurts
People lie to me,
She refuses to stoop that low
She helps make me perfect
Beautiful
Happy
Smart
Lovable
Worth something
And so much more
If it wasn't for her
I'd still be
Lying in bed
Blabbing on the phone
Or spending all day with people
She taught me who they were
That people weren't what they seemed
That no-one really cared
No-one but her
I would rebel,
Thinking I could handle life
Without her help
I quickly came back
Realizing I was wrong
She took me back in,
And punished me
For ******* up
Saying it was for my own good
She tells me when I lack hope
And when I'm being a ***
What I need to do
To get the guy across the room
To look in my direction
And how to grab
Some masculine attention
To you,
She seems like a *****
But you don't know her like I do
She's really rather nice

I have a friend
One who I'll ask anything
I call her
"The all knowing Tori"
And laugh as it goes to her head
I trust her with my life
And my deepest darkest secrets
She watches me
When I'm at my lowest
And calms me down
When I'm at my highest
I love this girl
As a sister
And I'll never let her go
Even if I have to fight
The voice in my head
Every time I tell her something big

I was told she's a demon
But she's my best friend
And I never want her to go

I kept getting asked
If I was ready to release her
I asked if I could go to the bathroom by myself
I was told no, and said
There's your answer

I love her
Even if I'm the only one
I hope she stays
With me forever
Because I can't do anything without her

Someone asked me
If you always yell like that
And treat my mom like
Complete and utter ****
I nodded my head
But I didn't even notice
I've become so good
At drowning you out
You yell at me
For not knowing what's going on
But how could I
When no one tells me
I guess you're speaking
The only language you know
But I don't care
I don't want to hear it

I said I was walking on glass
You took me seriously
And asked me to stop
You told me to think
Of other ways to deal
With the crisis at home
And the pain I feel
I said it was figurative
What are you talking about
I chuckled to myself
Because I'd actually do that
But I'm fine
Just not at home
'Cause I'm walking on glass
But not literally
Figuratively

I spent my day
With kids under 8
They were a lot of fun
And pushed me
'till I couldn't move another step
We were laughing
And smiling
And just talking
I felt like a little girl again
Going back to the age
When I still had my innocence
Before that awful thing
Was done to me
Or that I did
I don't know which it is
The kids
The made me happy
But at the same time sad
Wishing that never happened
That you
Or I
Or both of us
Would have held back
No one may understand
That kids may be a joy to my life
But also tear me to shreds
When I look at them
I can't help but see
My own innocent smile
As you took advantage of me
Or I you,
I don't know which
They called it molestation
Or just kids exploring
But whatever they call it
It changes nothing
I still lost my innocence
To a guy
When I was just 4
You were 5
Nobody knows
What happened that day
But you, me, and her

I'm biting my skin
Because my nails
Well, they've been bitten to the nub
My anxiety is taking over
But I won't let it show
I don't know what to say
So the only reason my mouth is open
Is so it can wrap around my flesh
If you gave me back my blade,
I would stop biting my nails

What's the effing point?
My life is *******
That's pretty clear to me
I don't see why
I should really even try
I'm tired of life
Hoping it'll end soon
But I don't know
How much longer I can wait
I will hold off
And try and be patient
But we will see
Just how long I last

Where can I go
When I'm feeling alone
All of my usual places
Are being destroyed
My blade,
It has been taken away
The toilet,
It's being monitored
My binges,
Well what's the point
when you have to keep it in

There's no where else to go
But I can't keep it in
I want to swallow a few pills
Just to free myself
I'm tired of life
But I can't tell anyone
Or do anything
Where can I go

What should I do?
I told you the truth
And now it's being used
I'm protecting myself with a ruse
To hide all of the lies
And the fact that I cry
As I cut my skin
And watch myself die
But now you're telling my mom
Just when we were starting to get along
I don't know what else to say
But I hope you have a good day

You caught me with a blade
Pressed against my stomach
Drawing blood
You told me Jesus loves me
And world war 3 would stop
If I'd just call out on him

You told me that wouldn't make life easier
But it would help me live
A happy healthy life
But I can't give it up
My attempts at grasping for control

My shirt had blood on it
You watched me clean off the blood
You sighed, and reminded me
That I was worth something
Of course, I didn't hear you

I'm worrying now
That you'll tell my mom
That I'll get shipped off some place
Where they keep sharp things away
My blade has dulled
And so has the pain
I swear, I'll stop
I just needed to feel better

S.C.H.O.O.L.
Several Cruel Hours Of Our Lives
It's not really that bad
But I am obsessing
Must have perfect grades
But I'm too shy to speak up
I have to get my teachers to like me
But I can't open my mouth
I am feeling overwhelmed
But I won't stop caring so much
I'll finish with highest honors
For these cruel hours
Can change your future

I'm getting better
I'm learning how to eat again
The weights are still in my closet,
and I binged again

I promise you
I'm gonna stop
I'm not gonna die
But I think I'll go purge

I swear I'm fine
I'm telling you, I ate
Don't believe me, whatever
But I truly am gaining weight

Okay, so maybe I lied
I don't want to stop
I want to be pretty and thin
And even perfect

What's the point
People die
People lie
People cry
But no-one ever gives a ****

The word ***** is engraved into my hip
done by a blade, on yet another hopeless night
The word fat is carved onto my thigh
screaming out the pain I felt
My name is sketched between my legs
written in blood, in remembrance of a girl no more

Emptiness
That's all I feel
I'm numb to you
I watch people die
I watch people live
And me
I'm somewhere in between
I'm breathing
But not quite living
I'm empty,
An emotionless pit
But I'm not yet dead
All I am
Is an empty skeleton
of what was once a young
happy naive girl
Who's now just empty...

I'm stupid, I'll be the first to admit it
I'm fat, I'll tell you in a second
I'm ugly, I've been told that for years
I'm worthless, Just a waste of space.

All of those words
They play in my head
Torture me day in, and day out
Make me lie to those who love me, and those who don't.

I make people worry,
I'm not proud of that.
I hide even the most basic things,
It's the life I've chosen to live.

Very few people
Know what's going on inside
What happens when no-one's around
What I always hide.

Many have suspisions
A few might even be right,
But I'll never confirm it
I have to stay safe.

I'm a *****
A ****
Fat
Ugly
A liar
Cutter
Suicidal
"Emo"
Stupid
Worthless
A loser...
The list can go on for days

One day I'll be perfect
I'll show them all
I'll be worth something
And never look back.

With a tear in my eye
I tell you good bye
Knowing that
I wish this
To be the last words
I type
I feel so alone
As I let the tears run freely
I grab a blade
Cut my wrists
'Till I feel no pain
I know I'm dying
So I work to finish it
I dump my head
In the water
Not able to breathe
I feel so trapped
I hear a faint beep
Then ringing
Is this what
death is like
I pull my head
Out of the water
Notice that
I'm still alive
See a new text
The phone ringing
Another text
Another call
I guess someone
Really does care
Well three someone's
I hear a knock on the door
Should I ignore it
And carry through my plans
Of drowning in a bath-tub
But I called out
And asked what they wanted
We had company
How weird
I get out
Wishing I wasn't as weak
Then I see the person
I said good-bye to
Her and her family
With tears in their eyes
I feel so bad
Why was I so shallow
Couldn't I see
The only thing goodbyes bring
Are tearful eyes
I know
I'm not alone
You're there with me
I now know
I can tell you everything
You won't judge me
You really do care I feel like
Well a *****
Knowing that I'll be ok
With a tear in my eye
I start to cry

I wish somehow
I could grow wings and fly
fly to a place
where people were happy
where people smiled
where people came out
and spoke their minds
where people weren't afraid to fly
because of the chance
that they could fall

Let me show you the way
I'll spread my wings
I'll set the example
Please don't just die
At least give it a try
You can do it
Everyone can fly
if they face their fears

Jump
just
freaking
jump

Jump to discover that you can
and you will
actually fly
Let go of the pains of the past
the one where suicide
was an option
where depression
was a way of life

Leave that world
I know you can
be the light
that everyone needs
by spreading your wings
and taking that step
to
fly

A shy little girl
A secret hidden under lies
A person afraid of the truth
Whispers in the wind
Terrified of lies
But needs them none the less
Oh, and also gaining weight
Is a big no no
She hides in the closet
Searching for safety
She loves a book
And will read for hours
Loves the sun
And an amazing tan
Writes a bit
And socializes even less
She needs music
And all sorts of things
The youngest child
A beaming girl
Who's main goal in life
Is to appease others
That is who I am

The wind rustled the leaves
The smell of plants filled the air
The snow on the ground
Turning into mud puddles
Children Jumping
In their new pink ducky boots
The smiles on their lips
The laughter shared from parents
Everyone was happy
Joy was everywhere
But there was a girl
Sitting on the sides
Watching as it all
Just passed her by
No one saw the girl
Was she even there
Until a boy
Walked over and shared
He looked at her
In her yellow worn boots
Her scratchy old jacket
And tangled hair
He took off his jacket
And then his boots
And became an outcast
Just like her
She had a friend now
At six years old
Someone noticed her
Maybe a spring day
Could wash away the pain

I told you

just the other day

that I wanted to be a movie star

if only I was pretty



you stared into my eyes

and asked if my mirror was broken

'cause I looked straight off the runway stunning

I rolled my eyes

and said stop with the lies

I just want to be pretty



A few days later

I wanted to be a model

goodbye food,

hello gym

I said I could do it if I was pretty



you slapped me so hard

trying to bring me back to reality

but it was too late

she was already controlling me



Two weeks later

I'm told I'm gonna die

if I keep this up

but I want to become a singer

and a dancer

so back to the bathroom

goodbye binge



You took me to the ER

where people stopped and stared

at the girl who would do anything

to believe she's pretty