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Feb 2015 · 347
Recovery
Alexis A Feb 2015
I tried
I truly did
But now I'm left
Sitting here wondering
If recovery is
Even plausible.

This has been my life
For almost six years
And how do you
Give something up
After that long?

People say that there's hope
But I can't seem to see
any left in
Pandora's beautiful box,
There's no hope for me.

Do you see now,
Just how desperate I feel
How alone
How scared
I just want to be free.
Dec 2014 · 1.1k
Christmas Day Blues
Alexis A Dec 2014
It's Christmas day
Everyone's smiling
Everyone's fake.
Joy is lacking,
Emptiness is raging,
and no one cares
about anyone,
just everyTHING.
Why have we gotten
So superficial?
What has come
To the world,
That we should behave,
In such a way?
You get everything on your list.
It's still not enough.
You should be content,
But your fake smile
Is the closest thing
To happiness you know.
Your family is together,
But that may truly be
A bad thing.
Because, suddenly,
No one is themselves,
And you're all transforming
Into little Barbie dolls.
This Christmas,
Just like all of the last,
You ask yourself,
Why isn't it enough?
Well, I'll tell you why.
You're focusing on the wrong,
And not the right,
The bad,
Rather than the good,
Santa,
Rather than Jesus.
I'm sick of how fake Christmas has gotten. I swear, now it is all just some giant marketing ploy.
Dec 2014 · 445
Playing to the Death
Alexis A Dec 2014
Our relationship became a game,
We both needed to win
We were on the same team,
But still competed against each other
Almost killing ourselves while trying
Who could be the thinnest
Weigh the least
Eat the least
Take up no space
We were helping each other die
And then we helped others
Do the same to themselves
My hair is falling out
But all I can think,
Is maybe that will make
The number go down
But whoever wins this game
Will really lose,
In reality
We all will lose
She killed us
Took four teenage girls
To their premature grave
And used us,
To take many more.
Are we happy yet?
No, we are skeletons,
but we believe we are whales.
We are murders,
Teaching wannabes
How to be,
But we claim to be helping.
Life is not a game,
and we need to stop treating it
As if it is.
We need to value life,
To stop playing the game
Before we end up
Six feet under.
Dec 2014 · 727
To Everyone
Alexis A Dec 2014
To everyone who called me fat,
You are why I'm doing this
Starving myself to bones.

To everyone who called me a ****,
You are why I'm doing this
Throwing myself at guys.

To everyone who called me ugly,
You are why I'm doing this
Spending hours getting ready in the morning.

To everyone who hurt me,
You are why I'm doing this
Why I don't trust, or even get touched.

To everyone who used me,
You are why I'm doing this
Why I have long sleeves covering the cuts, which represents the pain.

To everyone who loved me,
Too much to use cruel words
You are the reason I'm still alive.
Dec 2014 · 517
If it Kills Me
Alexis A Dec 2014
I'll be thin.
If it kills me,
Then so be it.

I'll be perfect.
If it kills me,
Then so be it.

I'll be beautiful.
If it kills me,
Then so be it.

I'll be good enough.
If it kills me,
Then so be it.

My bones will show.
If it kills me,
Then so be it.

I'll be happy.
But that only comes
With the things listed above,
And if it kills me,
Well, then so be it.
Dec 2014 · 802
Layin' in a Bed
Alexis A Dec 2014
Caleb and Yeki
Layin' in a bed
One does a *******,
The other does head.
First come tongue
Then comes ***,
And we no what happens next,
There's a pregnant Yex!
My dear friend Victoria Johnson wrote this about me and a guy I like. Our rendition of Sittin' in a Tree. More appropriate for our relationship :P
Dec 2014 · 3.5k
Help Me (I'm Desperate)
Alexis A Dec 2014
Help me
I'm desperate
I have puke in my hair

Help me
I'm desperate
I threw up twice in an hour

Help me
I'm desperate
No one sees the pain I'm in

Help me
I'm desperate
Or is there even a point?
A bulimic's cry. I don't want to live like this anymore, yet I know no other way. Anyways, recovery never lasts. She always comes back.
Nov 2014 · 484
Hunger Pains
Alexis A Nov 2014
I'm so cold
I hate the snow
And now my skin
Is almost just as white
The number on the scale
Goes down by the day
Along with it
My energy
Hope
Love
Care
and life.
I'm killing myself
I understand that now.
I don't want to live like this,
but I know no other way
I long to fell peace
I long to feel free
And although I claim
That this life is giving it to me
It's really a lie.
And I'm in a cage.
Save me from myself
Please, I pray.
Save me from me,
because I might not see another day.
I'm so confused...
Sep 2014 · 599
Let Me Be Me
Alexis A Sep 2014
I'm so happy right now
I'm dancing in my seat
A smile is glued
Onto my bright face
People are staring
Unable to get
Why I'm lost
In a world of joy
I couldn't explain why
So please don't ask
Just let me be
Let me dance
Let me scream
Let me smile
Let me be me
Even if
It's different than who
I often am
So true. I'm extraordinarily happy today. I can't stop smiling!
Sep 2014 · 415
The Life of a High-schooler
Alexis A Sep 2014
Another day
Another paper
Another test
Another way
To fix this mess
Another class
Another offer
Another teacher
Telling me I'll do great
Another college
Another price
Another world
One that I'm afraid of
Another day
I wake up
Another night
I go to sleep
Another test
I have to pass
Another paper
I have to write
Another style
I have to try
Just to try to get
Another college acceptance
I'm stressed with all of the work I am getting. Feeling slightly over-whelmed. I have big dreams though, and I hope to reach them all
Sep 2014 · 1.4k
Selfish Creulity
Alexis A Sep 2014
My little eyes
Squinted as they
Searched for an attacker
My tongue stretched out
To catch a fly
For my dinner
Out of the corner of my eye
I spotted a two legged creature
The same people who
Paved over my home
Killed my dinner
Stepped on my mom
And destroyed my air
The cruel beings
Who selfishly paved
A mall over my home
Killed the bugs
That were annoying them
And stepped on my mom
Like she wasn't even there
They don't think of
The frogs that lived in that swamp
Or the ones that are going to eat
The poisoned bugs
Or even the few
That may be out for a stroll
Just two small to be seen
The two legged creatures called humans
Are killing my species called frogs
A short poem about a frog who's been through a lot, and many go through much worse.
Sep 2014 · 2.2k
Dearest Ana
Alexis A Sep 2014
You say she's awful
That she doesn't care
You don't know
How easy we talk
And converse about my life
Her name is Ana,
She's no demon
She's my friend,
And she cares more about me
Than anyone ever will
She tells me the truth
No matter how much it hurts
People lie to me,
She refuses to stoop that low
She helps make me perfect
Beautiful
Happy
Smart
Lovable
Worth something
And so much more
If it wasn't for her
I'd still be
Lying in bed
Blabbing on the phone
Or spending all day with people
She taught me who they were
That people weren't what they seemed
That no-one really cared
No-one but her
I would rebel,
Thinking I could handle life
Without her help
I quickly came back
Realizing I was wrong
She took me back in,
And punished me
For ******* up
Saying it was for my own good
She tells me when I lack hope
And when I'm being a ***
What I need to do
To get the guy across the room
To look in my direction
And how to grab
Some masculine attention
To you,
She seems like a *****
But you don't know her like I do
She's really rather nice
So, I have a friend who thinks Ana is a *****, and I wrote this to her (and I will probably never show it to her) on why she isn't
Sep 2014 · 524
My Best Friend
Alexis A Sep 2014
I have a friend
One who I'll ask anything
I call her
"The all knowing Tori"
And laugh as it goes to her head
I trust her with my life
And my deepest darkest secrets
She watches me
When I'm at my lowest
And calms me down
When I'm at my highest
I love this girl
As a sister
And I'll never let her go
Even if I have to fight
The voice in my head
Every time I tell her something big
I love you Tori<3
Sep 2014 · 453
Suicide Confession
Alexis A Sep 2014
I tried to drown myself
Just last night
I ran away from
My own intervention
You followed me into the unknown
Not knowing what I was planning
I begged you to leave me be
As I climbed into a riviene
You chased me down
Connecting the dots
You pulled me up
As my head went under
Screaming at me
To just choose life
I pulled away
You pinned me down
Telling me
This isn't the only way
I banged my head
Off of a rock
Hoping to break something
Of major importance
I found a sharp rock
And tried to cut open my wrist
You kept my hands apart
Again I tried
To get water in my lungs
Screaming that I had to die
You begged me to stay
As you started to cry
But I'm not sure
That I was all there
Something else happened
Things that I can't recall
You said Ana
Had taken full control
You could tell by looking at me
My face
My words
My actions
They weren't mine
But hers
Finally I came out
Only because I was
Far too weak
To keep up my fight
I still want to die
And maybe I will soon
But I won't tell anyone
About what happened last night
It all just sounds
To much like a nightmare
This is a true poem, and also very emotional. I wonder how much longer I can survive like this. I'm alive, but not living. It hurts me to move, because there was rocks digging into my body, and I was fighting against them.
Sep 2014 · 943
My Friend
Alexis A Sep 2014
I was told she's a demon
But she's my best friend
And I never want her to go

I kept getting asked
If I was ready to release her
I asked if I could go to the bathroom by myself
I was told no, and said
There's your answer

I love her
Even if I'm the only one
I hope she stays
With me forever
Because I can't do anything without her
I love her, even if no-one else does, and even if everyone else thinks I'm crazy.
Sep 2014 · 506
Foreign Languages
Alexis A Sep 2014
Someone asked me
If you always yell like that
And treat my mom like
Complete and utter ****
I nodded my head
But I didn't even notice
I've become so good
At drowning you out
You yell at me
For not knowing what's going on
But how could I
When no one tells me
I guess you're speaking
The only language you know
But I don't care
I don't want to hear it
My father. He's okay, once you get to know him, which I still haven't done, but he is also known for his harsh, hurtful words.
Sep 2014 · 538
Screwed
Alexis A Sep 2014
I'm terrified
Counting down the hours
The minutes
The seconds
Until you tell her
What I've been doing
20 hours
25 minutes
14 seconds...
Until the end of my life
When my mom will know
What's under my shirt
She'll see the marks
And the crusted blood
And never look at me again
In now just
20 hours
23 minutes
and 57 seconds
I'm so ******* *******...
You think you're safe, but you really aren't. In less than a day, a friend is going to have a conversation with my mom and me about my cutting, and what to do about it. I can already hear the yelling...
Sep 2014 · 766
All Alone
Alexis A Sep 2014
I'm sitting alone
At a desk
Wearing long sleeves
In this summer heat
My laptop in front of me
A book beside me
And some pills inside me

Nobody knows
My secrets
Or my lies
I won't tell them
I won't let them in
Though I am surrounded by people, I'm all by myself within the walls I have created for myself
Sep 2014 · 1.8k
Figuratively
Alexis A Sep 2014
I said I was walking on glass
You took me seriously
And asked me to stop
You told me to think
Of other ways to deal
With the crisis at home
And the pain I feel
I said it was figurative
What are you talking about
I chuckled to myself
Because I'd actually do that
But I'm fine
Just not at home
'Cause I'm walking on glass
But not literally
Figuratively
This conversation between me and a friend amused me, so I turned it into a poem, and made it something that I could process my thoughts and emotions into
Sep 2014 · 1.8k
Inocence as Kids
Alexis A Sep 2014
I spent my day
With kids under 8
They were a lot of fun
And pushed me
'till I couldn't move another step
We were laughing
And smiling
And just talking
I felt like a little girl again
Going back to the age
When I still had my innocence
Before that awful thing
Was done to me
Or that I did
I don't know which it is
The kids
The made me happy
But at the same time sad
Wishing that never happened
That you
Or I
Or both of us
Would have held back
No one may understand
That kids may be a joy to my life
But also tear me to shreds
When I look at them
I can't help but see
My own innocent smile
As you took advantage of me
Or I you,
I don't know which
They called it molestation
Or just kids exploring
But whatever they call it
It changes nothing
I still lost my innocence
To a guy
When I was just 4
You were 5
Nobody knows
What happened that day
But you, me, and her
Sep 2014 · 4.2k
Nail Biting
Alexis A Sep 2014
I'm biting my skin
Because my nails
Well, they've been bitten to the nub
My anxiety is taking over
But I won't let it show
I don't know what to say
So the only reason my mouth is open
Is so it can wrap around my flesh
If you gave me back my blade,
I would stop biting my nails
I am biting my nails, then moving onto the skin around it. I honestly don't know why I wrote this, but I did, and I am going to post it.
Sep 2014 · 218
Waiting
Alexis A Sep 2014
What's the effing point?
My life is *******
That's pretty clear to me
I don't see why
I should really even try
I'm tired of life
Hoping it'll end soon
But I don't know
How much longer I can wait
I will hold off
And try and be patient
But we will see
Just how long I last
To see the back story, look at the previous poems
Sep 2014 · 490
Where can I go?
Alexis A Sep 2014
Where can I go
When I'm feeling alone
All of my usual places
Are being destroyed
My blade,
It has been taken away
The toilet,
It's being monitored
My binges,
Well what's the point
when you have to keep it in

There's no where else to go
But I can't keep it in
I want to swallow a few pills
Just to free myself
I'm tired of life
But I can't tell anyone
Or do anything
Where can I go
Same as the two before this. I'm super stressed.
Sep 2014 · 992
The Truth Hurts
Alexis A Sep 2014
What should I do?
I told you the truth
And now it's being used
I'm protecting myself with a ruse
To hide all of the lies
And the fact that I cry
As I cut my skin
And watch myself die
But now you're telling my mom
Just when we were starting to get along
I don't know what else to say
But I hope you have a good day
So a friend found my cuts (see the poem below to hear more about it) But we are going to have a 'discussion' about it with my mom. It's going to **** me, that is, if I don't die first
Sep 2014 · 947
Cutting out Pain
Alexis A Sep 2014
You caught me with a blade
Pressed against my stomach
Drawing blood
You told me Jesus loves me
And world war 3 would stop
If I'd just call out on him

You told me that wouldn't make life easier
But it would help me live
A happy healthy life
But I can't give it up
My attempts at grasping for control

My shirt had blood on it
You watched me clean off the blood
You sighed, and reminded me
That I was worth something
Of course, I didn't hear you

I'm worrying now
That you'll tell my mom
That I'll get shipped off some place
Where they keep sharp things away
My blade has dulled
And so has the pain
I swear, I'll stop
I just needed to feel better
A letter to a friend who caught me cutting yesterday. I don't really know any other way of saying how I feel, so here it is.
Sep 2014 · 1.1k
School
Alexis A Sep 2014
S.C.H.O.O.L.
Several Cruel Hours Of Our Lives
It's not really that bad
But I am obsessing
Must have perfect grades
But I'm too shy to speak up
I have to get my teachers to like me
But I can't open my mouth
I am feeling overwhelmed
But I won't stop caring so much
I'll finish with highest honors
For these cruel hours
Can change your future
Just stressed a bit with school, letting it all out. I have a problem with being a perfectionist, but I don't really care. I want to get into an ivy league, but alas, we will see what happens.
Sep 2014 · 753
A Common Lie
Alexis A Sep 2014
I'm getting better
I'm learning how to eat again
The weights are still in my closet,
and I binged again

I promise you
I'm gonna stop
I'm not gonna die
But I think I'll go purge

I swear I'm fine
I'm telling you, I ate
Don't believe me, whatever
But I truly am gaining weight

Okay, so maybe I lied
I don't want to stop
I want to be pretty and thin
And even perfect
I did try, I swear. But honestly, I hate food. It makes me feel fat. I don't know what else to do anymore, but I really don't care.
Sep 2014 · 468
Rant 15w
Alexis A Sep 2014
What's the point
People die
People lie
People cry
But no-one ever gives a ****
I feel sick with disgust. I cry, but no-one is noticing my pain. Is there even a point?
Sep 2014 · 521
Look at Me
Alexis A Sep 2014
Look at me
I'm just a shadow
Of what I once was

I used to be a girl
With bright eyes
And a wide smile
But now, just look at me

I used to braid my hair, and wear no makeup
And wear jewelry and pink
And skip, rather than walk
But now, just look at me

I used to laugh and dance
And sometimes even sing
I would talk to everyone
But now, just look at me

I cry myself to sleep
Almost every single night
My eyes have dulled my smile faded
Are you seeing me yet?

My clothes are black, just like my eyeliner
My hair is in my face
No spunky earrings anymore
Are you seeing me yet?

I lie, and bury my head
Hardly ever part my lips
I haven't danced in years
Are you seeing me yet?
Sometimes I wonder if anyone truly sees me. I fake a smile wherever I go, just to hide the pain. I ask you this, can you see behind the disguises of people, or do you just see what they want you to?
Sep 2014 · 263
Words Carved into Me
Alexis A Sep 2014
The word ***** is engraved into my hip
done by a blade, on yet another hopeless night
The word fat is carved onto my thigh
screaming out the pain I felt
My name is sketched between my legs
written in blood, in remembrance of a girl no more
Sep 2014 · 219
Emptiness
Alexis A Sep 2014
Emptiness
That's all I feel
I'm numb to you
I watch people die
I watch people live
And me
I'm somewhere in between
I'm breathing
But not quite living
I'm empty,
An emotionless pit
But I'm not yet dead
All I am
Is an empty skeleton
of what was once a young
happy naive girl
Who's now just empty...
Jun 2014 · 395
Words
Alexis A Jun 2014
I'm stupid, I'll be the first to admit it
I'm fat, I'll tell you in a second
I'm ugly, I've been told that for years
I'm worthless, Just a waste of space.

All of those words
They play in my head
Torture me day in, and day out
Make me lie to those who love me, and those who don't.

I make people worry,
I'm not proud of that.
I hide even the most basic things,
It's the life I've chosen to live.

Very few people
Know what's going on inside
What happens when no-one's around
What I always hide.

Many have suspisions
A few might even be right,
But I'll never confirm it
I have to stay safe.

I'm a *****
A ****
Fat
Ugly
A liar
Cutter
Suicidal
"Emo"
Stupid
Worthless
A loser...
The list can go on for days

One day I'll be perfect
I'll show them all
I'll be worth something
And never look back.
Jun 2014 · 530
Shh (Don't Tell Anyone)
Alexis A Jun 2014
Shh
Don't tell anyone
But I'm not gonna eat today
I've lost 8 pounds in 5 days
I want to do better
Because I'm not happy yet
I want to be thinner
So people will like me more
I have weights under my pillow
But I'm not obsessed
A scale is just on room away
27 steps to be exact
The toilet is 28
And to give the toilet a purpose
My binge is 32 steps away
Shh
Don't tell anyone
But I don't want to live like this
But of course
I won't give it up
Not my chance to be perfect
No, I care too much
So please
Get those calories away from me
Because I want to be
Actually pretty
Shh
Don't tell anyone
But I'm willing to die
If that's what it takes.
Jun 2014 · 502
A Sad Goodbye
Alexis A Jun 2014
With a tear in my eye
I tell you good bye
Knowing that
I wish this
To be the last words
I type
I feel so alone
As I let the tears run freely
I grab a blade
Cut my wrists
'Till I feel no pain
I know I'm dying
So I work to finish it
I dump my head
In the water
Not able to breathe
I feel so trapped
I hear a faint beep
Then ringing
Is this what
death is like
I pull my head
Out of the water
Notice that
I'm still alive
See a new text
The phone ringing
Another text
Another call
I guess someone
Really does care
Well three someone's
I hear a knock on the door
Should I ignore it
And carry through my plans
Of drowning in a bath-tub
But I called out
And asked what they wanted
We had company
How weird
I get out
Wishing I wasn't as weak
Then I see the person
I said good-bye to
Her and her family
With tears in their eyes
I feel so bad
Why was I so shallow
Couldn't I see
The only thing goodbyes bring
Are tearful eyes
I know
I'm not alone
You're there with me
I now know
I can tell you everything
You won't judge me
You really do care I feel like
Well a *****
Knowing that I'll be ok
With a tear in my eye
I start to cry
So this is a poem about my suicide attempt on November 12th 2011. I probably would be dead if it wasn't for that friend coming to save me.
Jun 2014 · 249
Fly
Alexis A Jun 2014
Fly
I wish somehow
I could grow wings and fly
fly to a place
where people were happy
where people smiled
where people came out
and spoke their minds
where people weren't afraid to fly
because of the chance
that they could fall

Let me show you the way
I'll spread my wings
I'll set the example
Please don't just die
At least give it a try
You can do it
Everyone can fly
if they face their fears

Jump
just
freaking
jump

Jump to discover that you can
and you will
actually fly
Let go of the pains of the past
the one where suicide
was an option
where depression
was a way of life

Leave that world
I know you can
be the light
that everyone needs
by spreading your wings
and taking that step
to
fly
Jun 2014 · 245
Who I am
Alexis A Jun 2014
A shy little girl
A secret hidden under lies
A person afraid of the truth
Whispers in the wind
Terrified of lies
But needs them none the less
Oh, and also gaining weight
Is a big no no
She hides in the closet
Searching for safety
She loves a book
And will read for hours
Loves the sun
And an amazing tan
Writes a bit
And socializes even less
She needs music
And all sorts of things
The youngest child
A beaming girl
Who's main goal in life
Is to appease others
That is who I am
Just a short poem about who I am
Jun 2014 · 639
Love That Washes Away Pain
Alexis A Jun 2014
The wind rustled the leaves
The smell of plants filled the air
The snow on the ground
Turning into mud puddles
Children Jumping
In their new pink ducky boots
The smiles on their lips
The laughter shared from parents
Everyone was happy
Joy was everywhere
But there was a girl
Sitting on the sides
Watching as it all
Just passed her by
No one saw the girl
Was she even there
Until a boy
Walked over and shared
He looked at her
In her yellow worn boots
Her scratchy old jacket
And tangled hair
He took off his jacket
And then his boots
And became an outcast
Just like her
She had a friend now
At six years old
Someone noticed her
Maybe a spring day
Could wash away the pain
So I wrote this for some History extra credit, and fell in love with it. I hope you do too.
Jun 2014 · 1.8k
Dear Ana
Alexis A Jun 2014
I felt so alone
No one seemed to care
I went for a walk
And thought about calories
That was odd for me
Then You came
And pushed my food away
You told me you'd make me perfect
Your name was Ana
You put me through hell
Made me question everyone
And every little freaking thing
I started to obsess
Over the number on the scale
I stopped eating food
And started eating numbers
I had to punish myself
When I went even a decimal
Of a calorie
Over my limit
That's what you trained me to do
You sentenced me to the gym
Made me lie to my family
And even my friends
Put me in a hospital
But still I loved you
And honestly, I still do
I won't stop counting calories
I had at most, 1194 today
while only burning 1500
evil little calories
I might drop an ounce
But I'll keep working
Because I have you
My dear friend Ana
The only one who cares
So, this is a letter to Ana, also known as Anorexia, which is something that's been a part of my life for awhile. As I count calories, I know she's there, beckoning me on. I know I can do anything and everything through her. She's my best friend, and my worst enemy.
May 2014 · 856
Being Pretty
Alexis A May 2014
I told you

just the other day

that I wanted to be a movie star

if only I was pretty



you stared into my eyes

and asked if my mirror was broken

'cause I looked straight off the runway stunning

I rolled my eyes

and said stop with the lies

I just want to be pretty



A few days later

I wanted to be a model

goodbye food,

hello gym

I said I could do it if I was pretty



you slapped me so hard

trying to bring me back to reality

but it was too late

she was already controlling me



Two weeks later

I'm told I'm gonna die

if I keep this up

but I want to become a singer

and a dancer

so back to the bathroom

goodbye binge



You took me to the ER

where people stopped and stared

at the girl who would do anything

to believe she's pretty
This is about my personal struggle with anorexia, so don't judge. I'm still in recovery, but I'm ready to let her (Ana) go.

— The End —