what’s worse?
loosing your love to death
or
loosing you love to loss of love?

i like to believe it is death
the thought of knowing they won’t be giving their all to someone else
knowing that you are truly the last person that made them happy

loosing someone to loss of love could possibly be the worst thing a heart could go through
knowing someone else will get all the love you once had and quite possibly more

i know death is inevitable
death doesn’t stop because you aren’t ready
but it doesn’t settle with me
yet, i’d rather my love be dead rather than dead to me
if i had to lose you at all.

you were everything i thought i needed
you were the one person who truly made me happy
but you laughed at me
and ******* took my stability
you abused your power over me
you knew i was in love with you
you knew i needed you.

There are seven stages of grief
The first being denial
We deny that we are here
In this hell on Earth
We deny that some of our family members have been taken into the hands of death
We deny that we went through what we went through
In hopes that we will forget it ever happened
The second is the pain
The pain comes when it finally hits
Your family is dead
You will never be that same happy kid as you once were
The happy-go-lucky kid you were before the camps
The realization that your body will never work the same way
The next is anger
The frustration you have been holding back
Not at the Nazis or the Germans
You are frustrated at yourself
You are mad at yourself for being in that situation
You do not know why you are mad at yourself
But you refuse to place the blame anywhere else
The next stage is depression
The hole in your heart where your happiness used to lain
The realization that you are now by yourself and there is no one who will understand you anymore
No one will speak the language that us survivors speak
No matter how good of a therapist you are
It is a foreign language only select few speak
There is another stage we went through
The upward turns
The realization that you will be ok
You realize that you do not need your family to be ok
You do not need anyone who survived with you
You only need yourself
And that is all you have
There is another stage
This being particularly the hardest
It is working in an everyday life
With your new setbacks and PTSD
The new you starts to work properly
There is one more stage
It is acceptance
You finally accept what happened
You accept the fact that everything that you went through
Is not fiction
It is real life
You accept the fact that we went through inhumane treatments and tortures
And we accept all of it
We realize and accept that we were almost all killed off
Weather by sickness or ******
We accept we were the lucky ones
And never look back

Because of social media I've learned I am not good enough

Because of social media I've learned my best isn't truly my best

Because of social media I've learned that if I don't look a certain way, I will be shamed

Because of social media I feel obligated to wear makeup

Because of social media I've learned to hate myself

i never thought i could fall this hard. i never once in a million years ever thought someone could actually love me back. but you my dear, oh you showed me just that. you showed me that i was lovable, i was wanted and i wasn’t worthless. i remember the first time you met my parents. they had a front on, but later that night you were holding me whilst i was hysterically crying because my parents are breaking their teeth on liquor bottles and having their monsters come out and have a fight. you showed me that you weren’t ever going to leave my side. i remember when i thought about all the possibilities of you just playing a trick on me, then you pointed out every single little thing you liked. i remember all of our stupid little arguments, it painfully reminds me of my relationship with my sister. except the one big difference; you didn’t leave me on my worst days. some people don’t believe in love, but if that’s the case, than what exactly did we have? because that was all love. i believe that the human mind can thrive without feeling every emotion, including love. i think when we don’t feel love, we shut down. i remember the first time we met each other’s friends. your friends took me in as a little sister the second they met me. and my friends made sure you knew what would happen if you broke my heart. i remember our biggest fight. an old friend was getting a little touchy, and you beat the **** out of him. i remember i wouldn’t talk to you for a few days because i needed to calm down about it. but you didn’t get mad at me, in fact you still texted me good morning and good night every single day. we had our ups and our downs. but i guess some girl who you had met and been friends with for 1 month can make you feel happier than someone you’ve been with for 2 years. i remember you looking me dead in the eye and telling me there was someone else. i don’t think i ever could hate you for putting me through this pain. all i have for you is love, and i may have accepted that we are done, but my heart still aches for you to kiss me at 12 am every single day because you wanted to be the first thing that made me smile every day. i remember the aftermath of our breakup, your friends still treat me like their little sister you know? they still defend me in every way and make sure i’m not doing anything stupid. i ask them about you every once in a while. but i just want you to know; we were in love, but i hope you’re happier with her.

Dear the silenced girl in the corner
I know you're in pain watching all these pretty girls
I know you wanna look like them
Dear the silenced girl in the corner
I know you starve and strive to be like those cheerleaders
Take it from me dear it isn't worth it
Dear the silenced girl in the corner
You're fading away in the hospital, waiting to get those girls approval
Dear the silenced girl in the corner
You have my approval.

I've seen brighter days man and I just don't know what to do I've been left all alone with my thoughts and these days I don't even know how to talk so I'll cover my mouth and sit in silence and hope and pray that someone will finally understand I don't know how to talk to anyone and that I can't be alone anymore

You wanna know whats bad
I can't even say your name without thinking about the fun we had
I can't say it without missing you
I can't say it without thinking of your new girl
I can't even think about how happy you were with me
I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong

But you know whats even better
I can say your name
I can think about everything we did without getting sad
I can answer questions about us now
I can say all the things we did and not get sad
I can be the girl my new boy wants

Our relationship didn't leave me depressed and upset
It gave me the time to heal
And time heals my darling

i want you to remember me.
I want to be known as the girl who lit the fire in your cold, cold, cold heart.
I want to be remembered as the girl who was so care free and happy-go-lucky.
I want to be remembered as the one who showed you what it was like to truly be in love with someone.
I want to be the girl who helped you remember what it was like to enjoy and learn to love the stupid things.
Like walking in the rain, or watching the same movie over and over again just to keep feeling certain emotions, or how i helped you learn how to write strong, meaningful poetry.
I want to be the reason that you do certain things, like write your emotions out, or read certain books again, or listen to new artists and songs because i love them.
i want to be the reason you fall in love again.

My depression is like when you get invited to a party, but you don't wanna go but you know you should go
My depression is like when you try to get out of bed, but you just can't
My depression is like that aching pain in your chest when you feel bad for blowing someone off, but you can't help it
My depression is like that distant old friend who showed up to the party without an invite
My depression keeps me from doing the things I love most

you know when you strike a match?
you have to go quickly to light it
if you go too slow, it won’t light
but once you light it,
if you wave it around to quickly
it burns out
but if you wave it slowly
it stays lit

sadness
the feeling consumes you
brings you into a place
its a place you can't escape easily
the monsters of your childhood
the monsters of your breathing,
living,
walking,
talking demons
they consume your mind with bad thoughts
they don't let you off free
you pay a price
and that price
is depression.

Hi so this isn't a poem, but I will have some out soon. I've been extremely busy and I just got home from vacation, but you will hear from me soon with some new content.

you’re a cigarette
people use you for a temporary fix
they use you when they’re bored
a time filler
something to put between their teeth
then they step on you when they’re all done

but sweetheart
i’m a drug
i’ll make you an addict
you’ll love how i make you feel
you’ll love how i take the pain away
you’ll love how i’m dangerous
the rush i’ll make you feel
sweetheart
i’ll make you die for me.

in that moment
as we were laying down on the couch
you touched my waist
you grazed my arms

in the movies they glorify feeling something
something like butterflies
or erupting fireworks
or this tingly feeling

but no matter how hard i tried
i just couldn't feel anything
i wanted to so bad

so ******* bad.

i love you
don’t ever say i don’t
because it’s when i heard the poundings and screaming and shattering glass windows when i was 12
it’s the constant reminder that you’re the reason your parents aren’t in love anymore, that all their problems came from you. i was 13
when i was 14 i finally watched him walk out the door, i watched my mother fall to her knees. she balled for 3 days straight. now she’s killing herself with cigarettes and liquor.
at 15 i realized that i matured way faster than i was supposed to. i also realized my sister had been taking my antidepressants to shut the bullies out at school. i never knew that someone could be so hurt.
it was at 16 that you finally came into my life. showed me what love is. and that what i grew up with wasn’t normal, all the mental and physical scars that i had to tell you about, but you didn’t leave. infact, you were the reason the nightmares stopped.
flash forward to 23, we got our life planned together. we are a match, that has yet to burn out. you promised me something once, you promised me that we wouldn’t be like my parents. and you’ve held that promise for 8 years. i can’t thank you enough.