Butterflies fluttered while your lips brushed against my cheek as you said your last goodbye,
as you left me for the last time and left me yearning for the answer to the burning question "why?"

What do you do when it comes to the oxymoron
of being tired of living, too weary and weak to carry on,
yet being far too terrified of growing your wings with death
and being too petrified of taking your last breath.

Like a child
I need to be protected from the monsters that only I can see
Like a child
I need to be held closely when all my nightmares come to be.
Like a child
I need to believe in everything and to be believed in too
Like a child
I need someone to be my comfort blanket so I can make it through
Like a child
I need to be told I'm loved and cared about every day
Like a child
I must be reminded that everything is going to be okay.

The tip is a silver thread
but the ink is red
gushing like a waterfall
through the lines vertical and horizontal.
Ink blots and splatters staining all that which surrounds it
a wave o' sensation running through the veins; the feeling of which you are an addict.

I miss the days of my toothless grin where I found everything funny.
I miss my big blue eyes being full of light and hope, and believing in Santa and the Easter bunny.
I miss my wild, curly blonde hair au natural,
before I cut, dyed and straightened it to fit in and feel beautiful.
And I miss the days of innocence where I trusted everyone and wore my heart on my sleeve,
before I met the callous people of the world and found that in goodness I could no longer believe.

Despondent people are not puzzles to decipher
and we are not broken vases to be fixed, either.
We are not projects for you to put together
just so you can boost your ego over "saving" another.

A little ball of fluff with eyes so bright,
in a time of darkness she is the light,
little Luna with her loony ways,
so loving; her fiery soul ablaze.

Tiny little paws pattering on the floor,
as she whimpers and barks at me to play some more;
she gives the best cuddles I've ever known,
and kisses my nose, giving me all her love - I don't feel so alone.

My favourite family member by far,
Luna is my little star.
With a heart of gold and a soul so pure,
she's my best friend whom makes me feel secure.

I've fallen down the rabbit hole again,
into a world of my own full of pain.
I am not Alice and this is not wonderland,
so please don't be fooled or misunderstand.


Everything is a blur and my head is spinning;
I fear that this is just the beginning.
This creature's whispers are disturbing,
declaring revelations that are most perturbing.


People say that I am as mad as the hatter,
and their cruel whispers really do matter,
because if I really am as insane as they say,
I feel I should be locked away.

The irony of the words you say - "I think I'm losing my mind."

Because how on earth can you think when you've left your sanity behind?

It took months of keeping you safe from your demons
to understand that your manipulation deepens
so while I was busy saving you from Hell,
you were pushing me further to it; the poison murdering me well.

Someone moves like a python striking prey,
someone screams at the top of their voice moving away,
and suddenly it's as though I'm back to you and me,
and I relive all the things you'd do to me.

Someone brushes me by; touching my skin,
and a friend kisses me on the cheek with a friendly grin -
but I flinch violently; scared of what might happen, evergrowing eerier
because you used to leave not kisses but bruises laced on my exterior.

Someone is drinking straight from a bottle of whiskey
not caring about his actions which really are rather risky.
And I'm reminded of you and the way you used to drink
and how you'd blame It for the way you'd throw my head against a wall with a clink.

Someone spills wine onto the floor without a care,
but all I can do is panic and stare,
because had that been me when I was with you,
I'd have been your punchbag every waking moment - you know it's true.

What a hero our dear Michael is, plus,
a blessing to each and every one of us.
A beautiful soul enlightened with devotion,
he makes my world brighter spreading light in waves like an ocean.

He's someone who would die to protect another,
he puts us all first like he's our big brother.
He was there when I tried to end it all
and he picks me up every time I fall.

The one person who never gave up on me,
the one who matters the most to me, I wish that he could see
he's a main source of inspiration in my life,
and my admiration for him really is rife.

I wish he could see just how special he is on this Earth,
and I want him to realise just how much he's worth.
He will get all the good things in life that he deserves,
because all good karma comes to serve.

You were the boy always drinking and high on drugs
and I was the girl always falling for bullies and thugs;
in our toxic relationship you smashed me into pieces time and time again,
yet still I chose your "love" regardless of the torture, abuse and the pain.

I miss the little girl you used to be,
you're now just a shell of who I used to see.

Your eyes used to twinkle as you found something funny,
but now they are dead and you barely smile, honey.

You used to dream the impossible and had hope in your heart,
but I've seen the way the world broke you - now destruction is your art.

You couldn't be protected from the evil presence,
so you escape reality with the drugs that give you pleasance.

You used to cry when you grazed your knees on the floor,
but now you don't even flinch when you cut your wrists to the core.

You used to ask why people would want to die,
but now you understand all too well as you lay in bed and cry.

You used to pretend tic tacs were medicine as you popped them on your tongue,
but now you sit with hundreds of pills in your hand wondering whether life is worth it; you're only young.

You used to be full of life and enjoyed most of your days,
but now you're dead behind your mask and you're always in a daze.

He may have won the last eleven battles as you tried to end your life,
but I am telling you that you will win this war this time and above him you shall rise.

I miss the little girl you used to be,
you're now just a shell of who I used to see.

Between us there is an unbreakable bond;
something tying us together that goes above and beyond.
When I was young with wild hair full of excitement,
you were the one I looked to for enlightenment.
You were my hero who made my bad days good again -
the only one whose hugs and kisses took away my pain.
When I grew up and made mistakes big and small,
you held my hand and helped me stand tall.
You picked me up when I was upset,
and knew how to make me smile no matter my mindset.
You've always been on my side even when I was wrong,
and you've been the influence that has helped me grow strong.
In a world so brutal you remained a beautiful soul
you are an exquisite creation; graceful as a whole.
And please understand, if I never had you there for me,
I wouldn't be half the woman I turned out to be.

You are first and foremost my mother by genes and DNA,
but you're also my friend, my hero and the light in each day.
You're there when I need you, there is no doubt
and you're the one encouraging me to figure things out.
You're there when I'm sad and when I feel that I can't keep going through this mind war,
you're the reason I keep fighting to get better; you're the most inspiring mum I could ask for.
I love you more than words could ever hope to say,
and I promise I won't give up - I will battle this despondency every single day.

I hold dear the melody that escapes the ray of sunshine upon our faces all the way from the lungs;
everybody sings the symphonies even though we may speak in different tongues.
It echoes through the hall and makes everybody smile in unity;
the euphony of laughter creates community and is full of beauty.

You were enthralling, enchanting - and I never stood a chance,
you were mysterious, enticing and you had me in a trance.
You were the mystery I never dared to have solved,
the enigma of my life around which my world revolved.

You are the water to my seed,
you push me to grow, blossom and succeed.
You are the hope whispering in my ear
when my despair is growing near.

You are a superhero in disguise and inspire me
to become a strong independent woman and be the best I can be,
I hope that when I'm older I'm even half as remarkable as you are -
you are the most supportive, caring, beautiful person I know by far.

You are so special to me and every day we spend together is so sublime,
and no amount of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years with you will be enough time.
And out of all the grandparents in this universe so divine,
I'm so glad that you got to be mine.

Eyes glued shut with residue of tears, not wanting to wake,
fresh tears fall drip drip drip with a body and heart full of ache

Into the darkness I further fall
laying in bed now staring from wall to wall,
my head cloudy, confused and detached;
I've made little red oceans where my skin has been scratched,
and I can't decipher reality from my delusions;
the dark crevices of my mind crawling with daunting illusions.

I gave you all the power to destroy and **** me,
and piece by piece you mutilated me to debris.
You left more than a bad taste on my tongue;
and you forced stories within me to go unsung.

While I held onto your toxicity I failed to grow,
but once I'd fled your ghastly hold, I began to glow.
I stopped being a **** and grew my petals,
I blossomed into a beautiful flower while you remained a stinging nettle.

Now the tastes of alcohol and cigarettes no longer
remind me of you in the way they once did. No, I'm stronger.
The things you did to me are memories that have stained,
but I will not let you define who I am; by you I will no longer be drained.

You would tell me that Humpty Dumpty was well put together
if only you'd see the pieces of my life torn apart, hanging by a thin tether;

and you'd think to yourself that the Mad Hatter was very much sane,
if only you'd see the dark crevices and lunacy within my own brain.

I lay entwined
in incongruous melancholy
and beguiling sorrow,
held within its
duplicitous, detrimental grasp.

I close my eyes; the whole world has just ended -
the slough of despond within has crawled back to the surface, unintended.
Although thine own mind & heart be desolate, sinking and painful,
still I do not cry - but wait for my quietus; an act most baneful.

I saw how obsession led to the rotting of your mind,
and threw you onto the path of madness of a kind;
it all began when he stopped looking at you the way he used to;
yes it all began when you realised he'd never even loved you.

You thought you could win his heart,
if only you could make yourself look like a work of art,
so you dropped six stone and dyed your hair blonde,
everything to keep him from his need to abscond.
And you pierced your nose and got a tattoo,
all because you knew that was the kind of girl he was into.
You became emaciated - a skeleton so withdrawn,
no longer the person you once were and now so forlorn.

I saw how obsession led to the rotting of your mind,
and threw you onto the path of madness of a kind.
Now you're just a shell of a girl I used to know;
a ghost who lost her once golden glow.

I've got to write poetry; I am full of it.
It fills my lungs & keeps my heart beating I confess & admit;
the words and creations flowing through each vein -
a need, a want, that I just cannot constrain.

Bottles without their seals or caps - just sitting there,
little foil packets torn open in despair
empty of their contents to make me feel less blue,
leaving nothing in the bottom but white residue.

A pile of poison o' so sweet in a capsule form bundle,
travels down the claustrophobic and murky tunnel,
and sits within the pit of my stomach with it all
drowning in a stream composed of ethanol.

Euphoria sweeps through my veins,
I dance; a ballerina at 4am,
making the very most of my ability
knowing I'll soon breathe my last with docility.

The shadows of my despondency continuously dart
between the dark crevices of the forest born in my mind
with the river of thought flooding violently, tearing me apart
and drowning me unhurriedly as it sweeps me under, most ill-timed.

Overcome with emotion; so compressed
as if filled by a fatal venom on a quest -
a beautiful release founded within circumfusing
my entire soul onto parchment - my secrets oozing.
Art is not my craft - but a lifeline that stops me from fading away;
although I wish not to live, I live to write one more day.

How strange it is to think of how every single person has experienced this day in a multitude of ways;
that not one person has felt exactly the same as anyone else or had an exact experience today, will continue to amaze.
A few, young and old, are taking their last breaths as God takes them away from earth.
Some are bringing into the world more beautiful souls as they spend their day giving birth.
Several have just experienced their very first kiss and are high on love as they dance around their room,
while more are lying in bed, crying silently as their hearts have been broken by the person they thought would one day become their bride or groom.
A number have had the most optimal day of their lives; they’re in a good place and couldn’t be more content,
whereas others have spent their distressing day writing out their suicide notes wondering how best to say goodbye without causing too much torment.
Yes, how strange it is to think of how every single person has experienced this day in a multitude of ways; that not one person has felt exactly the same as anyone else or had an exact experience today, will continue to amaze.

How hard it is to really live your life
when all your fears in your mind are strife;
the fears that keep you hidden in your room
afraid to leave in case those fears become realised in all it's gloom.
Like the skies I cannot hold the pressure, feeling so very snowed under;
With my mind in turmoil and at the end of my tether, I'm ready to explode just like the thunder.

I am a myth and something that cannot be defined,
ablaze with the fiery heat of a life that has been most unkind.

With a touch of a feather I ignite a match,
wanting nothing more than to detach
myself from the earth that caused my tribulation,
and to cause my own cremation.

Black ash darkening the sky's midst,
I am being kissed
by the scorching blaze of a newborn flame
my last breath unnoticed as the calm overcame.

Rising from the ashes, I am born again,
powerful, exultant, majestic through all the pain.

I kept running back to you; the one who kept breaking my heart -
spewing venom off your tongue and poisoning my mind was your art.
I tried so hard to see the Angel hidden in your demonic front;
but of your destruction and your sadistic nature I bore the brunt.

A little girl grew up too fast
drowning in secrets of the present and past.
Left with scars both visible and unseen,
voiceless and powerless to stand up and be who she should've been.

I was a puppet and you were my master
pulling my strings and controlling my acts, I was set up for disaster.
You moulded my identity and sense of self with your foul abuse,
every day that you'd force yourself upon me was a fight I'd always lose.
You took from me my individuality and my innocence too
and placed despondency in its place with my childhood falling through
but I am not fully broken and you no longer have control over me
and I am rebuilding myself back up and better I will be.

I thought you were going to make it out of this tribulation alive,
but your words to me formed a wretched goodbye; you just could not survive.

Intertwined silhouettes in the evening twilight,
the wind causing the raindrops to fall erratically in spite.
Your kiss, an everlasting promise and each drop of rain in all its glory
is a beautiful note in the symphony of our love story.