I might be a devil.
A soul ******* succubus from hell
Coming up to claim my prizes
Fill my goodie bag full of shiny ****** hearts
And pretty little promises
Look me in my face and ask me if I love you
I don't know
I don't know if I have ever loved anyone
The more I stare into my own emotions
The more unclear they become
I don't know that I have ever
Given love that I didn't use for my own vain agenda
To build myself up into this beautiful crystal castle
Looking down on everyone
Who I claim to put above myself
Is it love?
Or is it slavery?
Am I a saint?
Or am I a ghost?

Maybe if I carve my adjectives
Into the very walls that keep you safe
You will finally see me
Since each and every one of you
Seems to have forgotten
Who the **** I am
Perhaps then
You will pass me by
With lips sewn shut
And keep your eyes down
Like good boys
You've gotten me
Angry
Vengeful
Vain
Viscious
So paint that on the inside
Of your glass ******* houses
And use it for target practice
Just know
If I hear one more word from your lips
I'll cut out your vocal cords
And use them to string my
Holy Lyre
To play you sweet songs
About beautiful golden silence
Then perhaps you will learn
That I am not one to be
Whispered about
Maybe you will remember
Who the **** you're standing before
I haven't changed
You've just *forgotten

Hey Nichole I know you're mad.

I guess that's why I'm writing - just to say I'm sorry. Take care of my horses, my dad, and my mommy. I'm writing to you because I hope you'll understand. I know this isn't who I am. I know I had a plan, but lately the future hasn't been getting any clearer. Things about me have started to disappear. I'm beginning to lose sight of who I am. I'm a taken apart puzzle and all my pieces are second hand.
On the other side I'm not sure of what waits, but today I'm willing to risk hell fire for a chance at heaven's gates. I know I was a liar, a glutton, and a cheat - but I fall in love with something about everyone I meet. I'm banking on my love and empathy for my fellow man. I know God's a good guy. I hope he'll understand. Who knows, maybe this is part of his plan?
Maybe the beginning of their lives will be the end of my time. No one said it was fair but that's the bottom line. Life is painful, cruel, and unforgiving. Lately I've found it harder to find a reason to keep living.
I guess I should end this since I've started to ramble on, but this piece will be my last so it's allowed to be long. At the same time this isn't what I want you to remember once I'm gone. Please don't read it to my mom. She'll take it all wrong.
I hate to put this on you since I can't take it upon myself, but this is what I have to say to everyone else. Please remind them that I love them, that they made the good days of my life the best. Remind them that life will go on even after I'm at rest. To throw away the bad and smile about what's left. Even if they hate me tell them that's ok. That was what I was expecting when I decided to go away.
Leave out the part where I know that this was the coward's way out. The way that I spent years preaching about. Tell my dad that I wish I could've waited till he was gone, but that the nights were too long and that my hope had moved on. Tell my mother that God is with her and that he giveth and taketh away but that I will be there waiting when she gets to heaven one day.
For you children I leave only my regrets that I will not be around to see them when they are at their best, and that I know they will lead lives full of happiness. Tell them that I am proud and even when they're down I will be the person sitting on a cloud, cheering loud.
To all of my ******* friends. Nothing I can say will ever make amends. About them I almost feel the worst because out of all of us it makes no sense that I would go first. After all the drinking, the cigarettes, and tears I think they expected me to be there for another hundred years. Standing at their wedding or sitting by their bed. Never did they expect I'd be a voice inside their heads. Tell them that I believe in them and that they don't have to try their best if they can only manage less then they should get some rest. As hypocritical as it sounds remind them that this isn't the way and that life will only get better if you live another day.
To those in my life who held me in a lovers embrace there are so many things I should have said to them face to face. Like thank you for seeing beauty beyond all my faults. Thank you for fighting to get through my walls. Even when I was angry, or missing, or scared thank you for standing by my side even if you didn't belong there. There were many sacrifices that all of them made for love so deep that it had to be fate. I know now it's too late but I should've never made them wait.  I hate repetition but I'm sorry that I always leave for reasons you may never see that stem from my own insecurities. Those things that haunted me and sat behind my eyes from the way I always lied to the scars between my thighs. I love you I swear it to be true. I love you. I do. Through and through and through. You were enough even if I made you feel like less and in this life I wish you eternal happiness and I hope whichever woman holds you through the this life is truly the best.
And I'm so sorry Nikki that I lost all control so far away when you didn't even know, and I know I could've called you and you would've come to take me away. I thought about it each and every day, but what can I say. We had the conversation at least a hundred times the reasons I was chained here all came down to bottom lines so now I write this letter and it's fitting that it rhymes because poetry is so much better when you're cutting ties. Thank you for being a partner and a friend. I'm sorry that I couldn't see our plans through to the end and when you look at your wrist always think of me - flowing through your veins in an ink manatee. I will be beside you even when my life has faded, but you would've gone first if I had waited. These days I am selfish, frightened, and vain. I couldn't have seen a headstone adorned with your name. When you're holding my ashes and placing them in little jars think fondly of the memories that are no one else's but ours. I will be with you on the river that we call life. You're a wonderful friend, mother, and wife. In this life behind you I will sit, helping to steer through rough waters like in the ducky when we still made use of it. If you lose your paddle or the current pulls you down, I will be with you and I will never let you drown.
I love you and I'm sorry that it had to end this way. That I lived so much life then just gave up one day. It's ok that you're angry because I would be too. The last time you almost died was the last time I was mad at you. But please pass on this letter and keep most of it for yourself. There's a reason that I gave this to you and absolutely no one else.

I know that I am selfish and I'm so, so sorry. I love you Nikki.
-Jackie

This will be my first Christmas in eight years without you
And it's nearly brought me to my knees
I waited for you
I waited
The one thing you apparently can't do
Everyone leaves
Everyone
EVERYONE LEAVES
but .  .  .
I never thought it would be you.

This will always be our season
Even though
You Lied, Love

In a nutshell you are the ocean
And I am a toy boat
Caught in the waves
We collided and I was sent rolling . . .
Rolling
MDMA, lovers speed
You taste good but you could **** me
My personal brand of ectasy
Or maybe you're LSD
You changed me
The chemicals in my brain
Will never be the same
I'm stained
Acid psychosis
Too many doses
But what I like most is
You running through my veins
I marked the needle with your name
You're the flame under the spoon
One pin-***** takes me to the moon
It's over too soon
Then I'm jonesing
Can't stand to be alone see,
But time is pretty crystals
A quarter is too pricey
Days go by and I'm spun out
Strung out
Hard to find time when the sun's out
What can I say, I guess I'm a ******
Losing my mind when you leave me
But the high is like no other
We might **** each other
It's out of control
But your eyes are the color of my soul
And I want you to stay
****, please don't walk away
Just one more hit and I'll be there
Don't go, just say you care
And I'll keep nodding
Brain rotting
Veins buzzing
That good loving
*I need you

. The morning after
When I told my mother
That he made me touch him
She took my to the bathroom
To wash my hands -
Because he made me *****
With his essence
Now that I am older
That crime
still lives on my skin
And in my mind
I can't help but wonder-
If I wouldn't have felt so soiled
Had everyone not told me
That I was that way
I was just a little girl
With big blue eyes
But I understood right then
That *** meant grime
They tell me that it's not my fault
That I had no part in the scene
It severed the ties in my mind
That made me a part of the thing
Now I still don't connect emotionally
During ***

Instead I simply submit-
Because that's as close to love
As I'll ever get .

Even When
My lingerie is
Scattered across the floor
And there are
Rope burns on both my wrists
I am not as tied down
               As I was when there was nothing
                                             Holding me


I can't get away from it

I gave you three seasons
But Autumn wouldn't have us
Or rather, you would no longer have me.
In turn, it became my safe Haven,
Autumn.
Needless to say,
Winter has smiled upon us quite early this year.

The only thing that has ever
Felt better pressed to my lips
Than the filter of
A burning cigarettes
Was the tail end of
I love you
Sent in your general direction

;Cheating defined.:
1. "Anything that I do
that does not involve you."

2. "Nurturing any part of me
that does not satisfy some part of you."

3. "Satisfying any need i have
that seems illigitiment in your mind."


. . . At least, that's what I've come to understand. . . .

Remind me again love,
What was our situation?
Was it effervescent love,
Or a hostage negotiation?

;Dedication defined: "The way I looked at you even in our worst moments"

Those bruises you once left on my hips
didn't look so good on my arms
I wonder how they look
Now that they're on my heart
*You would know since you're the one holding it.
How long did it continue to beat after it left my chest?

All these kids tryna **** me
But they come in at second best
All these kids tryna love me
Guess you gave me a complex

Even though I don't remember the next morning
I know it reaked of violation and filth
The taste of my own tears lingered
Until the next day mid afternoon
Right before the sunset
Right after everyone let me be
If only for a moment

The morning after
When I woke up to a hostile sun
I screamed until my lungs were dry
And cried until my tears covered the kitchen linoleum
I ruined a new pair of clothes
And ripped out a few dozen stands of hair
Just because your fingers may have grazed them

In the shower I boiled the skin off my back
And tried to breathe water
Just to get the taste of you
Out of my eyes
I must've washed you off of me
At least a dozen times over
But I couldn't rinse the space behind my eyes
Where you left the most of yourself
Invasive and volatile

I had to tell my daddy
What happened to his baby girl
And watch him ache to break down your door
And straight into your chest
To take your heart
As some sort of payment
For what you've done
I watched my mother cry
And my sister cry
With pain that was never theirs to carry

And so each morning I wake up
To the memory of what you did
When I had just been out for a little fun
With sweet drinks that didn't taste like poison
Until you made them that way
When you touched me
When you had no right to do so
And I wonder if there's anything that I could have done differently

Since then every day
You **** me again
When I can't look someone in the eyes
Because I don't want to see their pity
Or their judgement, their doubt
When I'm scrutinized in the streets
Or my name is whispered
Behind a closed door
Or is screamed in my face that it was my fault
That it isn't an excuse

I'd rather die than face it
But I fear for my daughter
So I stay
To watch her
Protect her from my own fate
And shake quietly when I'm alone at night
Knowing you're loose
Waiting for someone to bring me some justice
To put you away
Leave you lying in a shallow grave
Anything to give me security again

But I have none
Because I have been robbed
And I smile to counteract it
And everyone tip-toes around the subject
Like it's a sleeping bear
That will maul them if they stir it up
But it's not an animal
It's something that happened to me
And everyone is so afraid of it

I had to be strong
But I'm afraid too
Afraid that it might never scab over
And become a scar
Because scars fade
But wounds bleed
And I am wounded
And every morning in the shower the blood drips from my ears
And leaks down the drain
When I have to look at MY body
That YOU used
And try to remember that I am strong
And that you haven't beaten me
Then wonder if that's really true

I have to make it true.

I need a little pain every once in a while
Recreationally I suppose
Just to remind me that the taste of life isn't always sweet
Refresh me on why I'm here
To help people through the same thing
To me it's like ******
I love the pain
Savor it
Crave it when it's not around
The withdrawals rock me
My next fix is always better than the last

When youth comes crawling to me
On it's hands and knees
Tears in its eyes
Begging
"Make the pain go away, help me, please."
I simply smile
And kiss it's damp cheek
Then laugh a little laugh
For youth is always weak
You can call me hurtful
You can call me mean
But I crouch down and say to youth
"Don't worry, everyone wants to die when they're seventeen."

                     **The Suicide Diaries

here you will find me naked
   without all my layers
                   of long silences
or calm reassurances
                                                         here
            you will find me confessing
       to Each and every
                   secret that could've just as easily been a lie

                          HERE
          YOU will find ME
More bare
             laid out in front of you
    honest and wild than when
                    we made love with the curtains open in the early morning before you went to work and I went to sleep



here
i am
                       How Dare You
               Look at me
                              out of
     Jealousy
   *mistrust
           *Fear

You lied, love
In two years I will have known you
For half of my short life
I wanted to spend the rest of it with you
Give you my part of this world
Sleep on your chest
Hold your hand in grocery stores
Take your picture in the afternoon sunlight
Drink coffee with you too late in the evenings
So I could stay up with you all night
You could've picked the colour of our front room
Helped me drip paint all over the floor
I gave myself to you
In the quietest ways
I thought of you to fall asleep
Looked for you when I woke up
I waited endlessly for you to arrive
To come back
For something, anything to show that you hadn't disappeared
I mourned for you
Cried real years at the loss of our imaginary world
I've wished you eight Merry Christmas's
Carried you with me into the New Year
Missed you for more minutes than I've loved you
But for what?
I've got nothing to show
You're starting a new life
And so am I
Me with him
You with her
We could've had it together
But
You lied, love

I Will Apologize
             Everday
      For the rest of This Life
         That I could not paste together
Your broken pieces
       or
        Brighten the darkness
              That haunts the spaces behind
Your eyes*
                      That's all I ever *Meant to Do

It's the season of aching
For something that I can never quite find a name for
The hint of warmth in midst the frozen air
God,
I still can't find it

*And that's why my heart hibernates
through the winter

It still hurts
Missing you
Even though I can have you
At a moments notice
Fingertips on cool glass
You'd be happy to hear from me
This time of year
When we were together most
You were on break
I was inside
But it isn't the same
It just isn't
And I can't surpass the differences in between

I am fading again
Back into grey
Into the background
Peripheral vision
        Movie extra blur
I'm hidden
               So well I can't even see me
Camouflaged
     By all the carnage
                       who's to say
              *how long I'll be gone
       or what will remain when I
                       crawl back  into  *focus

Sew my lips shut
To keep in all the sensations I exhale

Every aching sip of sadness

OR* tangy bout of rage

They are my art
            And without them, I am nothing

I will tell
Anyone who asks
That I love you
But I will tell
Anyone who doesn't
That I don't
Because I offer lies
But reward questions
With the truth

***** This

Soft kisses
           Against
                   hesitant lips
Turns quickly too
              Hair pulling
                    *followed by 'i'm sorry'
then-suddenly it was love
             And I had no idea-how
                         too escape 'it'
but ****-painted, panted promises
            Are useless during
                        day lit seconds
Do not leave me beggin' for more
                 I could have destroyed you
      *instead, for you. I came - undone

I waited
20 weeks
38 weeks
177 weeks
And I still loved you
Because it came as naturally as breathing
And who but us could understand
The waiting

I've caught myself low again
In a pretty place
Where my troubles can't find me
I guess it goes to show
Distance can't fight sadness
When it sits in your soul

*Maybe tomorrow it'll be better

My best kept secret
Is that I love you
So much that sometimes it frightens me
And I enjoy my time
Spent wasting nights in your bed
Just please remember darling
I like bruises on my thighs
Not my arms
And there are boundaries
You just shouldn't push