Everything is terrifying and uncertain and I just want my daddy

I miss you.
Call me baby
It's not that I want to take you.

It doesn't have to be like that.
I rooted for you so hard.

I'm still doing it.
Genuinely I love her.
I know you do too.

It's. Not. Like. That.

I'm just so ******* proud of you.
So proud of you baby.

I miss you
I miss you

Maybe I'm drunk as ****
Maybe I wish you still loved me

You want to be his friend
I want you to be his friend

She's my friend
She's so sweet

If we hadn't done what we did
I could've kept you forever











**** your mom
**** my mental health
**** that one dude
I miss you
Miss
You

I love my husband
He's never done anything wrong
I'm so ****** up
My brain is shorted out

You want to **** me?
Get a handful
Of whatever

But your time is short

You want me to love you?
Let me do that.
I'll stay for so long
Forever

Platonic cuddling
Back rubs
Daily talks
Doing anything for you

Get me naked once?
You've got six months

I want you to keep me
I want to keep you
I'd give you all the things you never had

Please
Please
Please
Please


Just like me for who I am
Because I love you

I could love you so easily
But most likely temporarily
Because of who I am
Please keep me
Please keep me.

There are so many lines in this world
Pick the one that lasts forever
Not the one that lasts a night
Or a week
Or a year

I want you to keep me
I'll stay for you
I will

I think of men much like I think of dogs

I'm initially weary of all the strange ones
I keep my distance and speak softly in case they might bite

After I meet them a few times and they're consistently friendly I'll let my guard down a little

Even then though they will still sometimes bite even if you think you know them

I've encountered enough biting dogs that I'm starting to fear dogs as a species

Which, as it turns out, dogs can sense and they don't like

I don't want to dislike dogs.
I've loved plenty of very good dogs in my life.

There are many dogs that I'm excited to see when they approach me
That I'll give treats and belly rubs to

But people that don't know me well think that I don't like dogs

When they see me interact with them on our first meeting they think I'm mean and crass

But in reality I'm just afraid and trying my best not to show it because they'll sense that fear in me

And chase me back to my truck
Or bite me
Or snarl and snap at the air to watch me dance for them

One mean biting dog will make you wary of dogs for a short time
But then you forget

It's only after many biting dogs
Many scary dogs
That it starts to wear on you
That you get nervous of all of them

But you tell someone their dog bites and they don't believe you

They say its never done that before
They ask you what you were doing when it bit you

They tell you that you should've have been in their yard
Like they didn't invite you there

So it's not that I don't like dogs
It's that dogs don't always like me

And they're one of the greatest dangers that I face on a daily basis

I'm a dog person
I'm also just an animal that runs on instinct

I wanted so badly
To be excited
Like other girls

I wanted so badly
To grow and glow
Like other girls

I wanted so badly
To be
Like other girls

But I'm due in 2 weeks

And I'm smoking and drinking
And acting a fool

Like other girls

Because August will never come

I am a ****
And a *****
And all of those things
That I didn't want to be

I hope you're happy

You made me this way
Then made me ashamed of it
Someday I'll get through that

I was so in love
With you
And your bedroom
In the shed you called an apartment
And I spent a year with you
Keeping my demons quiet
Until you got too loud
And now I miss you in the cold
When I'm sad
And I want to be held
Just right
We can watch bike tricks on a loop
Or someone play video games
That you couldn't afford
Not forever
Just got one more day
Maybe once a year
Our little secret

I'm just so tired
Of being so hurt all the time
I just want to be left alone
No more friends
No more lovers
No one to hurt me

I used to be so afraid of being alone
Now I crave it like a drug

Just let me be

It just makes perfect sense
I put everything I have at risk
Suffer in ways I never have before
Give you the absolute best
That I have ever had to offer
But I am not enough
Again
And it's my fault
Again
And just like always
You have no problem
Declaring that I am your one and only
But somehow
Just like always
No problem moving on

Maybe you just wanted to prove
That you could do it

And just like always
You were right

I read over that last message
Over
And
Over
Because I just can't delete it
Just like I can't forget you
I put it in my archives
So it's out of sight
Or easier to find
Whichever
And I check it every so often
To make sure you haven't missed me
Like I still miss you
Despite us both
It's so ******* stupid
You hurt me so deep
******* man
I hope you find someone to
Put up with your ****

Never have I come so close.
I tasted the barrel but it was bitter
Baby you don't notice
And I'm so tired
But there are so many promises
So many
Stay here with me
For the end
This isn't the end
But I'm drunk and alone again
There's the rhyme
I've been craving

When it takes everything in me not to hold a gun to my head just for fun. Not for serious because the temptation would be too real. But just for fun. Nights like these are as close to therapy as I'll ever get. Only because I didn't do it

Has anyone else called you by your real name in bed. . . ?
Asking for a friend

******* Kid.
You are the only one.
The only one who could **** away
All the times he touched me
And I didn't want it.

You.
Are the only one who could grab me by the throat and I wouldn't panic

You. Baby.
Are the only one who could make it better. Make it go away.

You

Are busy elsewhere and I'm a grown woman ashamed of *** with no way out, and you are ******* the hottest ***** I know.

I had it bad for YOU though, baby boy.

My apologies darlin'
That I made you feel human for a moment
So human that it drove you
To bite
The only hand
That has ever fed you
In any way that mattered at all

I'm sorry for meaning something

Maybe I never really loved you
But I watched "The Office" with you
Even though I'm not one of the people
Who gets "The Office"
So I definitely really loved you

These days
When I think of you

It's that black sweater with the sleeves pushed up

******* me won't fix you but we can pretend
Get a fistful of hair
Arch my back
Watch me bend
Making you feel powerful
Makes me feel valuable

Did you have a bad day?
Tell me about it while I kiss your neck
There's no better way to solve it than with ****
Are you sad? Show me.
Own me. Control me.

Slap me while you do it
If that will help you work through it
Bruise me. Abuse me.
Any way to make it go away
Use me


Give it to me I can take it

Daddy.
You've been gone over a year now.
And I call on you all the time.
They tell me you've seen my successes.
But you're always on my mind.
I miss you and it keeps get harder.
Because I can't seem to get smarter
Tell me to make the right choice
The thoughts on my head have your voice
I miss you
Mom told me the truth today
You left me and I can't find a way
To rationalize
Your Demise
Tell me it'll be ok

You're probably not even thinking about me
In reality you're probably cuddled up with her
Getting some sleep for work early in the morning
But I'm out here waiting for you
Because maybe my thoughts still echo in your head
I don't know what it is I want
Just to talk
Because maybe you understood me
Maybe you still could
Or maybe I'm sick
And I'm never satisfied with enough
With the best
I swear to God I would never act
On what my heart tells me
Because that ***** rarely has my best interests at heart
Pun intended
But you could come say hi
Catch up
With no listening ears
No prying eyes
Just old friends talking about yesterday
No harm
No foul
No way
Nothing more
Not like before
Come see me won't you
But you won't
And that's ok too
Safe

Why am I so MUCH
So much that you can't sleep beside me
I'm convinced because my brain is so loud
That it keeps yours going
As we sit in the stillness of the dark

I wish so desperately
That you understood when I say that I'm having trouble
Living inside of my own mind
But you are so simple
So sweet
Such a strong swimmer
But ultimately unprepared for the wave that is ME
So I'll stay here writing rambling poems in the dark
Becoming less myself
Before I find my way to our bed

Because you can't rest beside me

I successfully washed away
The worst parts of myself
And built a new life
Completely clean

But even though
I'm only a year away from
Having an entire body that you've never touched
That I have tattoos your lips have never seen
I created a self that you don't know

I can't get rid of you

And this life
So perfect
So precious
Seems lacking without you in it

I can't let you go
And I don't know why
What's worse?
Seeing you every once in a blue moon?
Or obsessing about how you're missing from this

This thing that I built to finally rid myself of you

I'm sick.
You're the cure.

I don't trust myself around you
How can the cure also be the poison
A fire that always burns
That could destroy my everything

I miss you. Please call.
You terrify me. Please don't call.

Try to write poetry
I said
It will make you feel better
I said
What if the words won't come?
I ask myself.
Get medicated then.
I reply.




No.

I spent so much time
And energy
Dragging your lifeless body
Up the cliffs of hell
That when we found the surface
I couldn't drag myself over the ledge
And you left me there
Now
On the surface
After my time to rest
You won't look me in the eyes

I fought so hard to save you
Burned my fingers on the hot coals
Of loving you
Yet
You deprive me the chance
To dance with you on the surface

Congratulations you ******* *****

Why do I always look back to you
When nothing about US made sense
How is it that so much later
You cross my mind
And I'm still jealous
Of the life you built with someone else
Even though I'm living mine
And I'm fine
And I don't want you
I swear

Depression feeds on difficult situations
That doesn't mean if fades when living should be easy

You have a failure for a wife
But I will always love you so

Dear __,

     Even though you were a lifetime ago, I find myself thinking about you now even though, I was never enough you always wanted more. Sometimes I picture you when I touch myself, back when you were down and out and needed my help. Barely eighteen and struggling to survive, taking you to bed always made me feel alive. When I was depressed you quite frankly ****** me through it. I've never had the nerve to ask for it the way you do it. To this day in many ways you were the best. But the *** wasn't good enough I had to look at the rest. Toxic is a word but it doesn't quite fit us. The highs were too high and the lows made me quit us. But I know sometimes you remember me too. Maybe someday you'll read this and know it's about you.

Don't worry sweetheart
You'll never be a statistic where you live inside my head
They're telling you that you were loved
But no one mentioned a thing when you were here to hear it.
Rest easy baby boy
I'll bet you're at peace now
Or at least
You can see what they weren't saying
Sleep peacefully my dearest
The next life has its arms open for you

Living tastes like
The "bubblegum" flavor antibiotic goo
They gave me as a child
To cure my ear aches
You would feed it to me
From a plastic tube
As I cried about the taste
And you would tell me
That it's bad now
But it would make me feel better


It tastes bad now

But you're not here to hold my hand
Or feed me wisdom from a tube
To make it better


My husband walks through life
And doesn't for a single second
wish for death
Not like I do
It's ******* fantastic to watch

Now you can watch me
And you finally see what I've been saying
For so long
That I am tired


Are you sad for me
Or are you disappointed in me
You gave me such a chance
And I took it
But everyday is a struggle
Being alive is an infection
And there's no more medicine in my bottle

The metaphor is:

Staring blankly at a green light as a horn blares behind you

Daddy we've had this conversation
One hundred times I swear
But I am so tired Daddy.

Everything only gets worse.
It never gets better
No matter how hard I try
Or what I change

And Daddy I'm so tired today
So so tired
And I really wish I could tell you
All about it

That's life kid

But Daddy I'm tired

Daddy,

They've been sending me sympathy cards in the mail
And
Stopping me in the streets to say how sorry they are
That
You left me so suddenly not so long ago
Daddy
They ask me how I'm doing
Like
My entire being isn't a shrine to your memory
The
Photo on the post office wall is simply my face in a crowd
Daddy
I'm afraid for what comes next
And
I miss you
And
I miss you
And
I

It's you
Drenched in sweat
Face pressed into my shoulder blades
Taking heaving breaths
Laced with I love yous

I'm so ready
Because you are it for me
Why aren't you?
What's wrong with me?

I thought the nightmare
Was about him
But actually
It was about me

You see

I can't help but be jealous
Of the other women who've had you
Because your body and soul
are connected
*** is such a serious thing for you
And now they carry with them
Pieces of you
I will never touch

This is the love
That old drunks in bars
Wrote songs about losing
And played on weathered guitars
With shaking hands
And empty eyes

This is also the love
That gathers whole families
To celebrate 50 years
Of good mornings
And I love yous

And we, my darling, are
So blessed to have the choice
Of which kind of love
It's going to be

I solemnly swear not to hurt my own feelings

The first time I get a proper look
At the tattoo playing peek a boo
Along your ribcage
My eyes might see it first
But I'll read it with my tongue

Every day
I run boxes
To the doorsteps of -
Magnificent houses
With stone porches
And towering windows
That smell like wood fires
During the winter
And flowers during the summers
With driveways that stretch nearly a mile
Winding
Winding
Winding
Down hills
To overlook acres, many acres
Of land
They are materialized dreams

And on every
mountainous stone porch
Or tree trunk of a door
Or posted at the very bottom of the endless winding drive-
There is a doormat
Or a plaque
A cut metal sign
"The Miller's"
"THE SHERMANS"
"Svobda"
"Kate & Rex"

And I am momentarily so sad
So jealous
Because that is all I want

The woman inside has a husband
With a good job
And a big smile
And her parents love him
And he is nice to her
And he built her a PALACE
And that's all I want
Is OUR last name on a plaque beside the door
But I may never have that
No matter how hard I work

I wish to God
That I could go back
And find all of the moments we shared
So I could read over them
Like a familiar and favorite book
So that maybe
I could find me again

How do I tell you
That I miss your hell fire?

Cigarettes in the middle of the night
Wine by campfire light
Lakeside loops
Hula hoops
You were the whiskey in my Dr. Pepper
My now until forever
We walked through the darkness as a pair
I still make our drive but you're not there
I miss you

Joy has such a way
Of compromising
My art

These days I string together words
That leave behind vacant metaphors
Empty spaces where my soul used to take residence

I can't stand to sign them
Why brand something I do not own?
Nevermind that the kerosene has evaporated from my pen
My spark died with my anguish
With nothing to light it, it abandoned me, dispersed
I spent so long trying to numb myself
I used to think it was poetic, beautiful
The nights I'd drink a half bottle of whiskey
Before nine o'clock
The way my smile brightened
My eyes shone
One million cigarettes later
Different kinds in so many different places
Oh the adventure, the whimsy
Like it wasn't all a disguise
Suicide wasnt an option
Destruction was a thrill

I used to exist bouncing between worlds
Ones which I had created and therefore was God

In one I flourished inside my own mind
My own pain
I lived amongst my sins and worshipped my vices
They were a part of me there
Where my art covered the walls in murials

Unlike it's sister
Where my words were nothing more than an amateur's graffiti
Sloppy splattered nonsense that decent humans took as a sign to flee
There was no beauty there
Just the bleak hopes of a woman running from who she was
A permanent prohibition
No liquor
No cigarettes
Just grey sidewalks and clear skies that couldn't even be bothered to rain
The world without poetry

I stepped in and out of each one
Relishing the sadness while simultaneously running from it
I'd never planned on the joy
So when it came I had no more words

"Joy has such a way
Of compromising
My art"
I wish someone had told me that growth
Required so much sacrifice
I chose the most unsavory parts of me as my main adjectives
I put them on display so that only those who wanted those parts of me could get to any of the others
Now that I have erased them, lessened them, retired them
There are so many blank spaces left
Most of me, maybe
Are these sacrifices a compromise
Of the altar I've built
Or gifts that I finally believe I deserve to adorn it with?
Health
Joy
Love
All things I'd deprived myself of
Hidden from
Lamented about
Hated
I'd written a million poems about things I'd never had
How I longed for them, was robbed of them
But now, at my best, at my purest
When all of those things lay before me on a platter
My lips are sealed
My words have wilted and died
I mourn for them like I would a friend - a lover

Confugium
The foundation of my sanctuary
Had never been solid
Yet I Kept building on top of it
Up and up
The highs got so heavy
That I couldn't keep filling the cracks
With weak empty excuses
Addiction was such a pretty poison flower
It flourished in my garden
I fooled myself and everyone else into thinking
That tending to it first
And everything else last
Showed dedication to myself, my legacy
To being aware of the tragedy of the world
It was such a Johnny Cash-esque charade
The woman in black
With her liquor and cigarettes
Look at me
Lamenting about the injustices
While doing nothing but drowning and preaching
Look at me
I'm a ******* poet
I ooze messiness and disdain from every pore
I ***** metaphor
I'm so deep
So deep
In the hole that I dug myself
With no plan for a way out

After I tore down
The unholy temple I'd made of myself
Stripped my altar of lipstick stains
My pain, his pain, your pain
I dressed myself like a fresh ****
Spilled my toxic guts onto the floor
Drained my tainted blood
Skinned my arms - my *******
To clear away the dark words I'd tattooed there
I Set fire to the Bible I composed
Full of strung out verses
About death and life and loss
All those things poets dwell on
Make a living off of
Worship

Then all that was left was me
And I didn't know what that meant anymore
I'd forgotten so long ago how to simply be
Sober, happy . . . Alive
I was staring at a blank piece of paper
I could write anything I wanted
But somewhere along the way
I'd run out of words

The sacrifices we make
Are so frightening

I'm still afraid
Still grieving
But I've planted roses in my garden
Repainted my temple with greys
I've invited in visitors for the first time in so long
To worship alongside me
Leave gifts at my altar
There are windows now
So that when the sun rises there is finally light
And though the words still don't come so easily
They trickle in with the rain
They tumble out with a laugh
They're tracked in on the soles of shoes
Little by little I'm piecing them together
Like a priceless and shattered vase
They're taking shape at last
To find me at peace
A new artist
Weaving different worlds with my words
Finding new things to say

Maybe, joy has a way
Of compromising my art
Or maybe
Joy has a way
Of repainting
My world

These sacrifices we make
They're poetry too

Maybe this isn't a poem so much as it is a letter. Not that it's anything new since once upon a time I wrote you a book. I only looked you up because I've been watching a show that has a big display of your type of crazy. It made me think of us for the first time in a very long time. I hate most of the things about you. The way you talk. The things you like. I hate your music, and for the sake of rhyming I hate your stupid ******* bike. I don't know what it was that kept me around for so long. I guess more than anything it was chemistry, not details that drew me in. The great ***. I don't know anymore I haven't thought about it in so long.
Moral of the story is I looked you up today. You've got a new girlfriend and for a second I was jealous. She's not as pretty as I am. Maybe she loves you more; or maybe just for real. All I know is I'm glad we're not together, since I missed you for the first time in years just tonight. There was nothing for me in you. Bye now.

I mourned you
As if you had died
Then I saw you today
With my own eyes

And it sparked joy in me
That you were alive
Remembering a time
When you were by my side

It wasn't easy for me
Seeing your ghost
The very soul
Who I'd loved the most

But there you were
Bag in your hand
Unkept beard on your face
Less of a boy more of a man

So consider these words
A lingering kiss goodbye
Because you've still left me
And I still don't know why

My father is an old man
Once upon a Time he was a cold man
He was almost always a good man
The kind where you knew where you stood, man.

My father raised loud daughters
My father raised proud daughters
My father raised daughter that said yes with no question
Who's no's were not a suggestion

My father raised strong daughters
Beside you when nights got long daughter
My father raised stern daughters
Daddy raised you get what you earn daughters

My father raised daughters that would fight a grown man
But know when to stay silent and when to raise a hand
Daddy raised daughters that don't need a man
Daddy raised daughters just like he planned

And those daughters became mother's
Cousins
Aunt's
And their daughters are difficult women
Loud women
Proud women

Because daddy looked around and didn't like what he saw
He saw weak men
Like to drink men
He saw men who beat their wives
He saw men waste their lives
He saw men who would suffice
To sleep next to his daughter the rest of his life

So Daddy raised women to be strong
And sat beside them when nights got long
He never had titles, power, or wealth
In his old age he barely has his health
But daddy gave me more than money or fame
Daddy gave me his spirit and gave me his name

The problem we are having
Is that I am at peace with myself
Which means only
That I am at war with you
And I fight so hard
To be enough
I try to be sweet enough
Clean enough
Happy enough
Awake enough
**** enough
Forward enough
Modest enough
Reclusive enough
Home early enough
On your schedule enough
But enough is enough
You claim you are leaving
I hope you either treat me properly
Or this time you just go

I found comfort
In your being
Beside me
In a crowd
In the car
In the world
In a moment

That's why I have so many empty spaces

I was soul food for you
While you watched me starve