here you will find me naked
   without all my layers
                   of long silences
or calm reassurances
                                                         here
            you will find me confessing
       to Each and every
                   secret that could've just as easily been a lie

                          HERE
          YOU will find ME
More bare
             laid out in front of you
    honest and wild than when
                    we made love with the curtains open in the early morning before you went to work and I went to sleep



here
i am
                       How Dare You
               Look at me
                              out of
     Jealousy
   *mistrust
           *Fear

You lied, love
In two years I will have known you
For half of my short life
I wanted to spend the rest of it with you
Give you my part of this world
Sleep on your chest
Hold your hand in grocery stores
Take your picture in the afternoon sunlight
Drink coffee with you too late in the evenings
So I could stay up with you all night
You could've picked the colour of our front room
Helped me drip paint all over the floor
I gave myself to you
In the quietest ways
I thought of you to fall asleep
Looked for you when I woke up
I waited endlessly for you to arrive
To come back
For something, anything to show that you hadn't disappeared
I mourned for you
Cried real years at the loss of our imaginary world
I've wished you eight Merry Christmas's
Carried you with me into the New Year
Missed you for more minutes than I've loved you
But for what?
I've got nothing to show
You're starting a new life
And so am I
Me with him
You with her
We could've had it together
But
You lied, love

I Will Apologize
             Everday
      For the rest of This Life
         That I could not paste together
Your broken pieces
       or
        Brighten the darkness
              That haunts the spaces behind
Your eyes*
                      That's all I ever *Meant to Do

It's the season of aching
For something that I can never quite find a name for
The hint of warmth in midst the frozen air
God,
I still can't find it

*And that's why my heart hibernates
through the winter

It still hurts
Missing you
Even though I can have you
At a moments notice
Fingertips on cool glass
You'd be happy to hear from me
This time of year
When we were together most
You were on break
I was inside
But it isn't the same
It just isn't
And I can't surpass the differences in between

I am fading again
Back into grey
Into the background
Peripheral vision
        Movie extra blur
I'm hidden
               So well I can't even see me
Camouflaged
     By all the carnage
                       who's to say
              *how long I'll be gone
       or what will remain when I
                       crawl back  into  *focus

Sew my lips shut
To keep in all the sensations I exhale

Every aching sip of sadness

OR* tangy bout of rage

They are my art
            And without them, I am nothing

I will tell
Anyone who asks
That I love you
But I will tell
Anyone who doesn't
That I don't
Because I offer lies
But reward questions
With the truth

***** This

Soft kisses
           Against
                   hesitant lips
Turns quickly too
              Hair pulling
                    *followed by 'i'm sorry'
then-suddenly it was love
             And I had no idea-how
                         too escape 'it'
but ****-painted, panted promises
            Are useless during
                        day lit seconds
Do not leave me beggin' for more
                 I could have destroyed you
      *instead, for you. I came - undone

I waited
20 weeks
38 weeks
177 weeks
And I still loved you
Because it came as naturally as breathing
And who but us could understand
The waiting

I've caught myself low again
In a pretty place
Where my troubles can't find me
I guess it goes to show
Distance can't fight sadness
When it sits in your soul

*Maybe tomorrow it'll be better

My best kept secret
Is that I love you
So much that sometimes it frightens me
And I enjoy my time
Spent wasting nights in your bed
Just please remember darling
I like bruises on my thighs
Not my arms
And there are boundaries
You just shouldn't push

How long until you give in
When missing me takes priority
Over all your pride
When the same dreams that haunt me
Overcome your sense of self
And you finally look at me
With my familiar blue eyes
And my freckles
That your lips have worshipped
A thousand times over
How Long?

It was never once a question
Of whether or not she loved me
. . .  Though I did question it . . .
Of course she loved me
She loved everyone
Misfits, rejects, broken hearts
Why would I be different?
But in the end,
That was the question
Was I different from everyone else?
And if so,
Why?
She never once gave me an answer

Where do we go from here
When there's nothing left to do
But surrender
Ourselves
Our thoughts
Our wants
Where is there left to turn
When there isn't
One single thing
Left of you?

God I'm so proud of you
You found the things that you want
I hope she's beautiful
And I hope she cares
If I know you at all
Which I know I do
You'll give them everything
Everything you gave to me
Last night you said we
And my heart broke
But swelled just as quickly
With joy
With regret
With pride
I hope it's everything baby
You deserve everything

How many times
Have I dressed up I'm sorry
Passed blame onto different parts of myself
Pieces of who I am
Juggling reasons
Motivations behind my mistakes
How many frightened goodbye's
Please don't leave me's
I'll always love you's
Have graced your tired ears
Remember when I broke you
Once
Twice
Then again
It used to taste so sweet
That first mending kiss
The one that sewed us back together
Our present, our future
Now there's a tear
That can
But won't be mended
So once again
I'm sorry
Not for the usual things
The ones I can fix
But for the things that I can't
Like you
And like me
The spaces in between

I walked for miles today
With nowhere to go but away from memories of you
I came home with weak legs
And a tired heart
With so much more distance to travel

You aren't here
And I wish you were

Broken ceramic plates
And
Cracked porcelain dolls
And
Glass shards scattered on table-tops
Cannot
Describe how incomplete I feel.

It's an odd thing
How I was so loved
When I was made up entirely of flaws
Every mistake I made was forgiven
Each new promise taken with a grain of salt
Yet now that I am better
More genuine and whole
With no apologies to hand out
Over mistakes of the new day
Everyone I love is gone
And I am all alone
Shiny and new
But I'm beginning to think
That bettering myself
Isn't worth losing everything else

I woke up this morning and for no particular reason wanted to die.
So I stayed home until that feeling passed, as much as I felt it was going to anyway.
Then I walked out into the world and acted like everything was perfectly alright hoping that maybe I could even convince myself. But the thing about it is, nothing is okay.
I am empty, and I am sad and things like that don't simply go away.

I'm not well
Deep down I feel it
The wanting
For what I am unsure
It sits in my chest
On my ribs
Beside my heart
Beating away at the same pace
Desperate longing
Some kind of sadness
The type not so easily
Expelled by things in bottles
And I want to silence it
Make it be still
Just for a moment
So I can continue on
Pass this
Let go of the fatigue
Of the hopelessness
And just be

It's so tiring
To be someone's first love
Over and over
The first person
To put light in their eyes
And the first person
To steal it back
The first fond memory
Tainted by
The first heartache
It is so tiring to be
Both the best
And the worst thing
To ever happen
To someone that
Isn't your first love,
But one of the many
You'll hate to see go

Washed a happy pill down
With three pain killers
And coffee laced with Jack
Slept through the night
But woke up low
Stayed there through the morning
Till the drugs set in
Only thing on my mind
*Here we go again

Maybe we all write about the same things
Because life is unfair to everyone
And we all know the same pain
Because we are the watchers
We are the feelers
We are the poets
And while some people go along
Completely oblivious to the hell around them
We're the ones condemned by it
Because we're the one who see it
And breathe it
And write it
So good luck to you
All of you who write away the same sorrows that I do
Because it doesn't get better from here
I wish for your sake that you had never noticed

We're all writing about the same things
Love and Pain and Loss
It´s like a record skipping
Over and over
Even I'm guilty
Pointless repetition
The same old sorrows
Yesterday and tomorrow
When will it ever end?
Every poet knows the pain
The release
Of fingers on keys
Typing instead of bleeding
Even though it's the same thing
But we just keep repeating
Again and again
When will it end?
*When will it end?

"This morning
I colored the sunrise
With my tears
And tonight
When my head
Hits the pillow
I'll dream of
The wrong person
And I guess . . .
That it just feels
Very lonely
Help me
Please help me
Because I . . .
I don't know
How to do it alone"

*The Suicide Diaries

I dreamt of you last night
With your long hair
And your crooked smile
I asked you when you lost hope
When you stopped believing that I love you
You never gave me an answer
You just kissed my lips
And stroked my hair
Just like you used to
Then disappeared
When I opened my eyes
I wasn't in your bed
Or wrapped in your arms
He was breathing slowly
Into the crook of my neck
And it felt wrong
But it felt right
And I just wanted you to know
That I miss you
And I love you still
But I'm not a child any longer
I don't want to play with you anymore
I'll let you go
To find better things
To forget me
And how I taste
The sounds I make when I sleep
The shudders I offered
When you kissed my neck
Just never stop believing
That I love you
Because I do
I promise you I do

My heart is beating too fast
It's like you're alive again
With a gun in your mouth
Or a knife in your hand
A half bottle worth of pills in your mouth
And my heart is beating too fast
Hoping you'll take every other beat for yourself
But you're gone
But the feeling still lingers
But I wasn't enough
But my heart is beating too fast

*The Suicide Diaries

I'm on your level again
Down at the bottom of the cliff
Broken but alive
Blood trickling out of
The corner of my mouth
Slack-jawed and crying
I followed you off the edge
But you didn't catch me
I caught you a thousand times
But you didn't catch me

*The Suicide Diaries

Life is heavy
It sits behind my eyes
On my shoulders
In my chest
Sometimes the weight of it
Gets to be too much
And I find myself gasping for breath
But then I go home
Or as close to one as I have
And he smiles at me
Over a smoking bowl
Tells me stories that he didn't know he had
Curls up around me
Listens to me breathe
And in the dark and the silence
Ear pressed against his chest
His heartbeat steady
I can rest
And everything feels that much lighter

All I want is a love
Like the one we created from nothing
Though it was but a fantasy
It was beautiful
I've searched for something like it
But nothing compares
We fabricated something so perfect
So real
So precious
I'm afraid I'm still reeling from its loss
I'm afraid that I can't start over again
I love you and resent you
You gave me everything that I wanted
Then stole it away
And I miss you
I really do miss you

The thought of you
Leaves a bitter feeling in my chest
I miss you when we lived behind lies
Pretty pictures to help us get by
Back when I loved you in a way I can no longer find
I miss you, love
I miss you so much

Each day I wake up and I'm smiling
Because I'm one day closer to finally dying
Life isn't so hard if you stop trying
Look happy baby, no one cares if you're crying
I light my cigarette and I take a deep breath
With smoke in my lungs I can finally rest
They tell me it'll **** me, ask me if its worth it
I tell them if it does that would be perfect
I'm tired of living always looking down
Picking pieces of myself up off the ground
I knew a man who finally got out
Of this world made of agony, that's all it's about
A handful of pills and he floated away
Left me in hell to live another day
I told him that without him I wouldn't survive
Yet somehow each morning I wake up alive
It isn't fair that he left me out here alone
Just a few months befor he was meant to come home
Home where he finally would've been okay
It's a shame his own demons came to take him away
I begged him to stay
He couldn't take it one more day
If it hurts it helps
More than anything else
Another cut another bruise another burn
I'm a hypocrite that will never learn
Pushing ideas on everyone else
Begging them to live when I can't convince myself
So I'll keep breathing even when it hurts
Going on with the knowledge that it only gets worse
Just remember that you're living a lie
Life is **** and then you ******* die

*The Suicide Diaries

Where are you today baby?
Where's my forever and always?
You're supposed to be here
Singing me stupid songs
And whispering in my ear
Where's my ******* hug
Where are my ******* love notes
Where are you?
I promised I wouldn't be sad.
And you promised not to leave.
When did we start breaking promises?
Where's you living for me?
Like you were a hero.
Coming in to be better than the last guy.
The first guy.
The next guy.
Instead you became another glass of spilled milk.
Something I'm not supposed to cry over.
But I ******* do it anyway.
Because I love you.
And you left me.
Now I'm sad
And where the **** are you?
Just a memory of someone
That's fading as fast as I can think of you.
Where are you?

*The Suicide Diaries