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My lips couldn't move-
To make words that could form-
Any beginning of just-
How sorry I am
You rarely sleep
Yet here you are
On uneven mattresses
With multi colored sheets
The sun bit you today
And so did I
You're about to start snoring
I'm about to turn out the light
We made love not too long ago
On the floor of my mother's spare room
And if I didn't know any better
I'd think that I'd been listening to the
Sound of you breathing beside me
For a life time
Rather than a day or ninety nine

I think I love you
Perhaps you'll stay
I am hopeless and broken
and not worthy of you at all.
My skin is thick like leather
and my bones are as fragile as robin’s eggs.
I break each time I bend
and I have no push so I just give.
My eyes are not blue but grey.
Not grey but dead and lifeless.
My hair falls flat and is thin like smoke.
I am not beautiful, but I am a disaster.
I love you
*That's all I have to offer
Sometimes it is not the reality of a death that shakes us,
But the absence of beautiful life.
How I do so tire of watching all of the beautiful things
Wilt and die.
Thank you for this man
Just like I do every day
Thank you for this man
I want him to stay
Thank you for this man
Please . . . . Please . . . .
Don't take him
In Jesus name I pray
The Lord Giveth
This will be my first Christmas in eight years without you
And it's nearly brought me to my knees
I waited for you
I waited
The one thing you apparently can't do
Everyone leaves

but .  .  .
I never thought it would be you.

This will always be our season
Even though
You Lied, Love
To my dearest Jenny, you broke my heart tonight, love.
Just a second closer to suicide or death.
Whichever comes first leaves behind what's left.
Tell me please lover, which would you prefer?
I'm taking one option and leaving the other for her.
A silent quiet drift away or a violent ****** mess
Give me some notice so I know how to dress
Something pretty and pink or something harsh and black
It'll be a shame to ruin pretty things when you stab me in the back
So please tell me now honey, please just let me know
Should I be afraid to die, or excited to go?
The answers at the bottom of this big jar of pills
Should I take them all right now or one at a time for the thrill?
So wave goodbye darling for this is it for me
I'll let you know if this is as beautiful as you always wanted it to be.

*The Suicide Diaries
Every day
I run boxes
To the doorsteps of -
Magnificent houses
With stone porches
And towering windows
That smell like wood fires
During the winter
And flowers during the summers
With driveways that stretch nearly a mile
Down hills
To overlook acres, many acres
Of land
They are materialized dreams

And on every
mountainous stone porch
Or tree trunk of a door
Or posted at the very bottom of the endless winding drive-
There is a doormat
Or a plaque
A cut metal sign
"The Miller's"
"Kate & Rex"

And I am momentarily so sad
So jealous
Because that is all I want

The woman inside has a husband
With a good job
And a big smile
And her parents love him
And he is nice to her
And he built her a PALACE
And that's all I want
Is OUR last name on a plaque beside the door
But I may never have that
No matter how hard I work
I can't help but wonder
If you ever loved me at all
Which is such an interesting thing
For me to ponder on
Considering the doubt was
Close to always
Directed toward me
Yet somehow here we are
30 weeks and some odd days later
And I still want what's best for you
But you want nothing of me
Perhaps I am being too rash
In my making of assumptions
But quite frankly
If you ever once loved me at all
You would put in the effort
To be civil to me now
The only thing that has ever
Felt better pressed to my lips
Than the filter of
A burning cigarettes
Was the tail end of
I love you
Sent in your general direction
Accidentally lost this in my drafts. Here it is for you now.
I can show you the world baby,
Then destroy it just as quickly,
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Let me be your everything
It's all yours
As far as eye can see
Thing is it all ends with me
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Say your prayers tonight my love,
Rely on the person above,
To save you from what I am
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
I could hurt you if I tried
Remember today as the day you died
When I took you apart
Piece by piece by piece
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
. . . I hate everything about what you've done to me; but the art. Good God, the art .. .
Once upon a time I was your canvas. Now you've given me something to put on mine.
Do you feel better now?
Now that you think you've figured me out?
Found out what makes me tick?
One hand clasped around my throat.
The other tangled in my hair
Pulling my head back so I'm forced to look in your eyes
So you can control me
So you can make me love you
Red marks on the backs of my thighs
A strict set of rules so you'll never worry
Punishment and reward
Equal gratification
All those things you want from me
That you can gain from tying my wrists together
Leaving rope burns across my stomach
Alone in a room
Exposed and waiting for you to come back
And love me
Just like I did to you
But in such a different way
You say that you're dominant
And that I'm the submissive one
Yet you want to jump right in
And I'm going to consider our options
Because your inexperience
Doesn't blend well with my needs
You can't collar me just to say you did
You have to mean it
And you don't know what it means to mean it
We will all fall
Just like the leaves
Ending all
The tears we bleed
At seasons change
Our pain will end
Remember me
Goodbye my friend

*The Suicide Diaries
Don't worry sweetheart
You'll never be a statistic where you live inside my head
They're telling you that you were loved
But no one mentioned a thing when you were here to hear it.
Rest easy baby boy
I'll bet you're at peace now
Or at least
You can see what they weren't saying
Sleep peacefully my dearest
The next life has its arms open for you
You weren't a baby any longer.
I am fading again
Back into grey
Into the background
Peripheral vision
        Movie extra blur
I'm hidden
               So well I can't even see me

     By all the carnage
who's to say
              *how long I'll be gone
       or what will remain when I

                       crawl back  into  *focus
My heart is beating too fast
It's like you're alive again
With a gun in your mouth
Or a knife in your hand
A half bottle worth of pills in your mouth
And my heart is beating too fast
Hoping you'll take every other beat for yourself
But you're gone
But the feeling still lingers
But I wasn't enough
But my heart is beating too fast

*The Suicide Diaries
I'm begging you to stay
Before November Comes
To take you away

*The Suicide Diaries
. . . Hit me . . .
I'm begging you for it,
. . .
The thought of you
Leaves a bitter feeling in my chest
I miss you when we lived behind lies
Pretty pictures to help us get by
Back when I loved you in a way I can no longer find
I miss you, love
I miss you so much
******* ****
That's all there is to say
After a glass of whiskey
And a bottle of wine
And the fear that tomorrow
Things may not be better
So where do I go from here?
Since today is a down day
One of many in a row
And I thought I was getting better
*I thought
I was getting better
. . . Better . . .
Is it something real?
Because I don't feel it
It's a word repeated so many times in a row that it has lost its meaning
. . .
My best kept secret
Is that I love you
So much that sometimes it frightens me
And I enjoy my time
Spent wasting nights in your bed
Just please remember darling
I like bruises on my thighs
Not my arms
And there are boundaries
You just shouldn't push
How many more tears will I drip
On smoldering bridges
Before I accept that
They have already more than burned
Those bruises you once left on my hips
didn't look so good on my arms
I wonder how they look
Now that they're on my heart
*You would know since you're the one holding it.
How long did it continue to beat after it left my chest?
Three Of Swords
That's what you are
Living tastes like
The "bubblegum" flavor antibiotic goo
They gave me as a child
To cure my ear aches
You would feed it to me
From a plastic tube
As I cried about the taste
And you would tell me
That it's bad now
But it would make me feel better

It tastes bad now

But you're not here to hold my hand
Or feed me wisdom from a tube
To make it better

My husband walks through life
And doesn't for a single second
wish for death
Not like I do
It's ******* fantastic to watch

Now you can watch me
And you finally see what I've been saying
For so long
That I am tired

Are you sad for me
Or are you disappointed in me
You gave me such a chance
And I took it
But everyday is a struggle
Being alive is an infection
And there's no more medicine in my bottle
All I want is a love
Like the one we created from nothing
Though it was but a fantasy
It was beautiful
I've searched for something like it
But nothing compares
We fabricated something so perfect
So real
So precious
I'm afraid I'm still reeling from its loss
I'm afraid that I can't start over again
I love you and resent you
You gave me everything that I wanted
Then stole it away
And I miss you
I really do miss you
Someone told me once
That depression was
Overwhelming sadness

I know now
That depression is
Feeling nothing at all

Someone told me once
That life was
What I made it

I know now
That life is
Whatever it feels like being

Someone told me once
That love was
Just a feeling

I know now
That love is
Terrifyingly unconditional

Someone told me once
That you were
But a man

I know now
That you are
But a man with wings

Someone told me once
But I know now
God she was beautiful
Crystal wings made of cellophane
She was so eager to leave when the winter froze her to the glass
That she pressed against her lips and inhaled
Just so she could see the colors again
Loneliness is watching you smoke in the dimness of your porch-light and knowing that I can never join you
;Cheating defined.:
1. "Anything that I do
that does not involve you."

2. "Nurturing any part of me
that does not satisfy some part of you."

3. "Satisfying any need i have
that seems illigitiment in your mind."

. . . At least, that's what I've come to understand. . . .
i wish i got to re-write the dictionary
. The morning after
When I told my mother
That he made me touch him
She took my to the bathroom
To wash my hands -
Because he made me
With his essence
Now that I am older
still lives on my skin
And in my mind
I can't help but wonder-
If I wouldn't have felt so soiled
Had everyone not told me
That I was that way
I was just a little girl
With big blue eyes
But I understood right then
That *** meant grime
They tell me that it's not my fault
That I had no part in the scene
It severed the ties in my mind
That made me a part of the thing
Now I still don't connect emotionally
During ***

Instead I simply submit-
Because that's as close to love
As I'll ever get
Who will I find
When I walk through our
front door?
I miss you all the
You haven't left the house for days
I'm with you
But lately
I sleep
While you lie beside
I want to
Touch you
With all of my
Baby come home
Come to me tonight
Let me kiss you with chapped lips
And pour ***** down your throat
Tell me about the women you've loved
Caressed and then broken
Left behind or forgotten
Light up a cigarette
And speak through a veil of smoke
Tell me about the promises you made
To the one's you've hurt
The ones you didn't keep
Let me wrap you in my arms
In the cover of this darkness
And listen to you breathe
While you tell me lies about staying
I'll kiss your neck
And you'll bite my ear
The liquor on our breath will mingle
You'll teach me about pain
I'll show you love
In that moment you will be beautiful
All alone in your thoughts
Sitting beside me in the dark
Then we'll both fall asleep
To the song our silence makes
I offered it to you
And everyone
When it was meant for me all along

Someone save me from my own understanding
I want to smash this whiskey bottle
On the floor
And roll around in the mess
Then maybe
It will burn like it's meant to
Daddy we've had this conversation
One hundred times I swear
But I am so tired Daddy.

Everything only gets worse.
It never gets better
No matter how hard I try
Or what I change

And Daddy I'm so tired today
So so tired
And I really wish I could tell you
All about it

That's life kid

But Daddy I'm tired

They've been sending me sympathy cards in the mail
Stopping me in the streets to say how sorry they are
You left me so suddenly not so long ago
They ask me how I'm doing
My entire being isn't a shrine to your memory
Photo on the post office wall is simply my face in a crowd
I'm afraid for what comes next
I miss you
I miss you
Why am I so MUCH
So much that you can't sleep beside me
I'm convinced because my brain is so loud
That it keeps yours going
As we sit in the stillness of the dark

I wish so desperately
That you understood when I say that I'm having trouble
Living inside of my own mind
But you are so simple
So sweet
Such a strong swimmer
But ultimately unprepared for the wave that is ME
So I'll stay here writing rambling poems in the dark
Becoming less myself
Before I find my way to our bed

Because you can't rest beside me
Dear __,

     Even though you were a lifetime ago, I find myself thinking about you now even though, I was never enough you always wanted more. Sometimes I picture you when I touch myself, back when you were down and out and needed my help. Barely eighteen and struggling to survive, taking you to bed always made me feel alive. When I was depressed you quite frankly ****** me through it. I've never had the nerve to ask for it the way you do it. To this day in many ways you were the best. But the *** wasn't good enough I had to look at the rest. Toxic is a word but it doesn't quite fit us. The highs were too high and the lows made me quit us. But I know sometimes you remember me too. Maybe someday you'll read this and know it's about you.
25 Jan. 2016
2 years 3 months later
Dear Riley,
I’m not happy anymore baby. Where are you to care?
-Love, Me
P.S. I miss you

*The Suicide Diaries
You're gone and I'm sick with it
Treacherously wounded
My hair is tied in a knot
My stomach is empty
My eyes are dry
But my cheeks are wet
I'm shaking
A cigarettes between my lips
Forehead against the steering wheel
I didn't deserve this
I never did anything to deserve this

*The Suicide Diaries
What is there to say
When your
Has been shamefully disrupted
By feelings that were put
Away before
They ever had the
Chance to consume
Any of the
Raw edges
Of what you are
Blind-sided by
Loveless embraces,
Fists flying through walls
I'm frightened
Of what has bloomed inside
My echoing ribcage

*Help Me
I walked for miles today
With nowhere to go but away from memories of you
I came home with weak legs
And a tired heart
With so much more distance to travel
Have you ever cut yourself?
It somehow tastes metallic.
Even if you don't lick the knife.
There's a little blood.
Mixed in with a little pain.
That gives a little urge.
To do it again.
Do not make the mistakes that I have
             Let the broken people be broken
       Understand without really understanding
                              Never try too see things as they do
                                             For the more you see as they do
The more like them you will become
             Until you yourself are broken
                              I saw beauty in life till they came along
                                              Now it is empty
Except for the opportunity to understand
             I live to understand
                              To be broken but appear strong
                                               Even though I have held a bottle
My hand shook, but I wasn't afraid
             My eyes were wet but I could not cry
                              I wasn't ready but I wasn't afraid
                                               In that moment I could've died
Leave the brokenness to those who have caught the disease
             Watch them waste away in mournful silence
                             Try not to understand what makes them that way
                                              Or partake in the pinch of a blade
I know you are strong, but so was I
              I was above all the things that crippled them
                              Now here I am shaking on my stilts
                                               Do not try to understand the broken people
                                                          ­             Do Not Be Like Me
*The Suicide Diaries
Maybe if I carve my adjectives
Into the very walls that keep you safe
You will finally see me
Since each and every one of you
Seems to have forgotten
Who the **** I am
Perhaps then
You will pass me by
With lips sewn shut
And keep your eyes down
Like good boys
You've gotten me
So paint that on the inside
Of your glass ******* houses
And use it for target practice
Just know
If I hear one more word from your lips
I'll cut out your vocal cords
And use them to string my
Holy Lyre
To play you sweet songs
About beautiful golden silence
Then perhaps you will learn
That I am not one to be
Whispered about
Maybe you will remember
Who the **** you're standing before
I haven't changed
You've just *forgotten
You deserve the world baby
A pretty wife
A good life
I can give you half that
How about that?
I'd give you everything if I could
I swear to you baby I would
But our daughter would live like me
That's not how life is supposed to be
I love you more than words can express
It's a ******* shame about the rest
Just please, please don't leave me
I love you more the less you believe me
Don't hate me now baby
Twist me into pretty little knots
Like the ones
your fingers
Left in
my hair
Like the ones
Your words
Left in
  My stomach
What can I offer to make you stay?
Nothing you say -
It seems that nothing
Is everything that I am these days
But I'm afraid
You can't even have that

So I'll let you
Inside of me instead
And I'll moan
Right into - your ear
Do you love me now?

I will cut open
my own veins
And give you a taste
Of what's really - inside
Do you love me now?

I will kiss you
Until my lips chafe
And my teeth shatter
Till you - don't want me
Do you love me now?

I scream your name when I sleep
How about now?

I drink your memory like whiskey
How about now?

I think of you alone in the shower
How about now?

I broke myself to please you
How about now?

I will bleed myself dry every day for the rest of this life and the next one if that means that you will love me
How about now?

Do you love me now?
How about now?
Do you remember when
I was someone
When I laughed about
Little things and I
Smiled often simply because
I could see the
Beauty in every
Single breath I took

Do you remember when
I used to read
All of the silly
Romance novels that
Lived on my bookshelf
And my bedside
Table because I
Believed that there was
Hope for forever
Becoming a reality

Do you remember when
I  was someone who
Was happy with the
Person that I
Knew that I was  and
I never had to
Ask anyone to define
Me and everything that
I stood for

Do you remember when
I was about
Something other than
Cigarettes and
The sad poetry that
Lines my walls and runs
Through my mind all
Of my waking
Hours that I used to
Spend talking to the
People that meant
Everything to me

Do you remember when
I was myself and not
Just someone who goes through
The motions and gets
By pretending to be
Strong when in
Reality my walls are
Crumbling and I
Have lost all hope

Do you remember when
I had never cut
Myself in an attempt
To understand why the
Pain was so much
Better than what I
Had to offer the
People that I watched
Fade away into
Nothingness just
Like I am doing now

Do you remember when
I didn't ****
Myself not because some
One needed me but
Because living was the
Thing that made me
Feel the most
Alive when I
Was at my worst

Do you remember when
I was
Something real and
Not just a
Reflection of the
People who
Were slowly dying in
Front of my
Eyes the same
People who have
Made me this way

*The Suicide Diaries
Everyone who knew me when I was someone is gone now.
Everyone who mattered is gone now.
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