It’s funny, isn’t it?
How you recognise them everywhere.
The people of your past.
You hear a voice
And you could have sworn it was your childhood best friend.
And the way someone laughs
Reminds you of her,
Your first love.
Throwing her head back,
Cackling with carefree bliss.
The glint in someone’s eye,
Or their attitude to life,
Brings back your school teacher,
The one who was so full of spirit
And inspiration.
And even people you’ve never met,
Are brought to life
By somebody else’s smile

Your skin emblazed on mine
Gardens of the night reach out to us
And I can’t escape the time
That I was free.
Floating away from the stars that call to you
They were never enough
Inadequacy surrounds my every move
And wishful thinking never got us anywhere
The clouds of surrender were always ephemeral.
Acatalepsy pulled at my heart
Until it dragged you away.
You could never see the beauty
Always inimical to the epoch of our lives.
Did it ever mean anything to you? The veracity of the vitality of life.

They say your name and my whole body pulses.
My sleeping breath is filled with thoughts of your ambiguity.
It is not clear to me what you are.
You are more than a human, more than a being.
You emit a radiance that stops everything from existing.
The world is you.
You are the world.

words protect us.
they shelter us from the storm of life.
they wrap themselves around us,
engulfing our every movement.
whether they are sung or spoken or written,
words have power.
more power than you could ever imagine.
they can hurt.
your words can cause torrential downpours
in the hearts of others.
but kind words are just as powerful.
they can inspire.
your words can achieve someone's dream.
why would you choose harmful words when your kind sentences can change the world?

In the arms of your mother you blink into the sunshine.
And her eyes glisten with the love she never imagined.
You've been a long time coming, little one.
She has waited for you for decades,
A timeless twinkle in her smile.
And she has suffered.
So much.
But looking into your eyes
She knows it's been worth it.
You were worth her pain.
You are all the love she has ever felt.
And all the love she never knew she had.
You have completed her.
And you will never know how much you mean to her
And how much she prayed for you.
How much we all prayed for you.
But you will always know how loved you are.

Welcome to the world, little one.
You're going to love it.

There are so many other worlds.
So many skies you will never see,
Music you will never hear.
So much time you will never live.
There are cities that turn into stars at night
And mountains that burst through the clouds with such beautiful anger.
There are eyes that gaze into each other
And hearts that beat for another.
There is so much more that you will never see.
Be grateful for what you do see,
No one else will see it.

Do not weep for the events that will come.
Treasure past memories, but do not fret.
All that matters is the moment.
All that matters is now.
What are you currently doing?
Sitting on a bus?
Reading a book?
Watching television?
Whatever it is, just stop and think for a minute.
When did you last thank someone?
When did you last tell her you loved her?
These are the things you should be thinking about.
It doesn't matter what you look like,
It doesn't matter what grades you're getting.
It doesn't matter whether you get that job or not.
All that matters is now.
Your friends, your family, your love.
They are all that will ever matter.
Are you making enough time for them?
Just forget about everything else.
Forget about it all apart from love.
The extent of your love is the extent of you.
Love everyone.
And be kind.
Because that is all that matters.
Love is all that matters.

i am so trapped inside myself.
there are words in my heart
and they try to leap out,
battling with the black hole of my person.
there is so much i want to say
so much love i want to share
but the fear won't let it escape.
even when the alcohol dissolves the barrier,
the fear is still too strong
and again the words are lost
before my mouth can form the shape of 'i love you'.
i am so in love with so many people;
each of them a planet within my solar system,
more beautiful than anything you could imagine.
i wish i could tell them how i felt,
how much they meant to me,
how they keep me alive.
but
as always
the words are lost.

i wonder if we would spend afternoons in the sun drinking whiskey and reading poetry together.
i wonder if he would talk to me like i was the only star in the universe.
i wonder if we would lie on my bedroom floor listening to the clash and the who and gaze into each other's eyes.
i wonder if he would read plato as i slept and wake me up with little snippets of his mind.
i wonder if we would fall in love and get married or if we 'weren't that kind of couple'.
i wonder if we would travel the world together like we always dreamed.
i wonder if we would have gone on long walks down by the river planning our future together.
i wonder what would have happened if i'd met him first.

life is hard sometimes.
everything is so difficult.
every movement feels like a chore
and every breath feels as if my lungs are drowning in the world's tears.
my friends stab me in chest
i cannot feel my soul anymore
it is too wounded.
and i love him
but he doesn't understand
what it is to be so completely sad
that nothing matters anymore
and everything feels pointless.
i cannot function.
nothing works anymore.
i cannot feel.
i am not real.
i lie in the middle of the world
as dollanganger and the smiths sing in my ears
whispering words of wisdom
"let it be"
but it doesn't work.
nothing works.
there is nothing i can do to escape the trappings of my inner self.
i am a broken human.
and i am worth nothing.
i used to lose myself in fiction,
i'd fall between the pages of a good book.
but i cannot lift the pages anymore.
making music was my passion
now it is my worst nightmare.

nothing works anymore.
i dont know how to fix it.



who am i?

it's been two years since i died.
730 days since i took my own life.
and i never fell in love.
i was never kissed under the stars,
never found the place that was ours.
i never travelled to that far away paradise,
or fell asleep in his arms.
i never met her,
never saw her smile,
never made love,
never read all those books.
i didn't get my grades,
never went to festivals,
never drank too much,
never felt that pang of loss.
there is so much i never experienced.
i wish i never swallowed those pills.

life was so dull
until she swept in,
a beautiful hurricane,
rendering me speechless
with her love and kindness.
oh god, she was so kind.
her heart beat for everyone else,
not an inch of her soul
belonged to her.
she was one of those people
who you could just trust.
you could look into her eyes
and you knew everything would be okay.
she saved my life
and so many others
in so many ways.
i owe her everything
but i'm too scared
to tell her
how much she means to me.

i
love
you

it creeps up on you,
slowly consuming you and all you are.
you don't notice until it's too late
and already you're drowning.
one minute you're at the top of the world,
surrounded by so much.
and then
suddenly you can't move,
burdened by the weight of all that was once beneath you.
you didn't notice them leave,
but all the people you used to love are strangers.
you have no-one.
you are no-one.

Look at that little broken girl,
The one he created.
Look at those fake smiles
And sad eyes.
She was never enough for him.
But look at her now.
Look how she climbed that rainbow
And look at her beating heart.
Look how she survived.
See how she was strong enough to leave
And look what she's found now.
Look at the sunshine bursting out from within her
Look at those stars she can't help but show.
Her smile is real now
And her eyes shine brighter for you.
Look at that little broken girl.
And look how strong she is now.

Everything is okay
And then
"I miss you" she says
And your heart disintegrates
Into a thousand tiny pieces
Of forgotten love,
Pumping around your body,
Poisoning you with pain you once felt,
Causing everything to stop.
You stutter
And gasp
As her beauty destroys you.
Then she looks at you,
Her bright blue eyes stare into you
And then everything is gone.
You are over.

her laugh is the most beautiful noise in the universe.
and the way she looks at you could melt your heart.
the love is not romantic,
but it is real.
she is everything to me.
she helped me find land in a ocean of the unknown.
her smile is the medicine that cures it all,
all the pain washes away as soon as she appears.
i do not yearn for her,
but my god do i want her.
she means the world to me.
she's the kind of person who tells you everything's okay
and you believe her.
because she is,
without a doubt,
the most wonderful woman in this world.
and i am so lucky to know her.

she means so much to me.
i wish i could show her that.

She was always so angry at the world.
She saw all the beauty
And saw how the people destroyed it.
Her eyes were portals to the past;
Within her soul was the pain of a society,
A society that could have been
If we had not taken for granted
The reality
And speciality.
Originality
Was taken from us the moment
This world was born.
She saw that we were not a world of love
Anymore.
We were a world of hatred
And pain
And prejudice
And judgement.
She saw through the fallacy
We have created:
Our facebook walls are mere facades,
Disguising who we are
And hiding us in the blur of the stars
Of who we wish we were.
Soon there will be no people.
No emotions.
No relationships.
The only thing that will exist are machines
With vacant faces,
Taken over by a society that shouldn't have been.

everything is spinning again
and i've forgotten how to make it stop.

I held him as he cried himself to sleep,
The tears of his past trickling through my bones,
My comfort merely a sieve
For his liquid sorrow.

Aim for the history book,
Not the magazine.
Be remembered for good,
Not for bad.
Do what you want,
And want what you do.
Make sure people will remember you.

You can change the world,
You just have to believe,
That you are the one,
Who can end poverty.
Be the change you want to see,
Do it all with grace.
Make the world a better place.

Ignore all the insults,
Trust the compliments.
Stay by your family,
Despite the arguments.
Friends will come and go
But family’s forever.
Don’t give up. Never.

The people you miss,
Will be known to you until
The day you die.
If they’re in your head,
They are never dead.
For you keep them alive.
New people will always arrive.

Aim for the history book,
Not the magazine.
For in the end you’ll see,
Success is your ambition,
Never dream of fame.
The answer lies in your heart,
Even if you don’t know how to start.

Her sons never tell her they love her.
And her mother has never been proud.
She married a stranger from the big city.
And now they live in a small town.

She works day and night
To keep them alive.
But she’s only just breathing herself.
She’s selfless and kind,
Never on her own mind.
Her world revolves around them.

Engaged at eighteen,
To the life she had dreamed,
But ran away when the stability froze.
She always wanted more,
From the life that she saw
Ahead of her since she was small.

But her parents were strict,
Told her she’d never make it
And drove her away from the life that she wanted to live.

She searches for the beauty
Of the dreams she once had.
The ambitions she followed
Until her world crashed down.

She thinks back in time
To the end of the line;
Where she should have crossed instead of turned round.

She knows it too late to go back,
To the time when she was that
Woman she wanted to be.
Now she’s stuck in a big house,
On the outskirts of a small town.
Forever held back by the fears that she once had.

But I tell her don’t worry
Because it will all work out.
She will have the life she wanted
When the time comes around.

And her sons will tell her they love her.
And her mother will always be proud.
She’ll marry the prince of her kingdom
And escape from the small, small town.

the creativity is running out.
people are becoming robots;
their brains controlled
by the mechanics of greed.
but i refuse to succumb
to the ever growing sanity
of society
and humanity.
i will cling
to the words
and the music
and the art.
i will not be taken over,
my mind will not be stolen
by the goblins of the swollen
world below.
i will paint myself the colour of youth
and pray my camouflage
allows me to retain my imagination,
i will not lose it to the education
system which takes so many
minds of innocent children.
they used to dream
and feel
and smile
and cry.
now they sit in office blocks,
brains ticking like ******* clocks.
making phone calls,
the reciprocating voices also without souls.
and the art they used to create,
the beauty they used to dictate
hangs on the wall
of the long forgotten
art gallery of nostalgia.
creativity dismissed as playful,
boring must equate to important.
what happened to the people
who used to laugh at everything?
i refuse
to lose
the battle of my beauty.

the world is at its end.
no more smiles, laughs, cries.
we are all attached to social media,
our life source no longer love, but wifi.
no-one lives in the moment.
no-one cares about a ******* thing.
mechanic children forced through the system,
lost to generations of futile fear.
rich kids now the underprivileged, deprived of happiness.
the poorest are the happiest.
equality is a long lost concept.
crime and violence rule our lands.
never again will a child love,
always will the sadness seep
through the veins of the long forgotten warriors;
the musicians, the actors, the artists, the authors.
their blood runs cold,
never reaching the hearts of the disenchanted young.
creativity has gone.
we are all the same,
ruined by obsession, greed, hunger, power.
we even look the same:
grey hair, paper skin, tired eyes.
these are the marks of destruction.
we have all been taken over
by the recklessness of our hatred
and the poverty of our love.

he was the kind of person who spoke so beautifully that you wanted to write down his every word
and instead of oxygen, he breathed in stars, lighting up the universe with the supernovas he exhaled.
his laughter was the question i wanted to spend my whole life answering and i knew i would never tire of searching.
some people aren't just people, but a place - a whole world.
he was the kind of person you could live in for the rest of your life.

i keep everything.
little moments of happiness in a box beneath my bed,
ready for me to glimpse at when the tears arrive.
the receipt from my first date,
the lipstick i was wearing when i had my first kiss,
the photo from that first party,
the ticket to the first concert i went to.
as i look at each moment,
stroke the printed band name
and run my hands over the faces of those i love most,
i can still see it all.
the laughs,
the smiles,
the loud music.
i pick up the photo
and i feel his hand round my waist again,
immediately transported back
to that night
beneath the beautiful stars,
our lips pressed together and our bodies entwined.
i glance at the ticket
and my ears ring with the memory
of dancing
and flashing lights
and jumping over the ripples of notes.
i keep everything
because it makes me happy.
i will forever have those moments with me,
and i will never let go.

the sky was purple tonight.
i thought that maybe you'd littered the clouds
with the parma violets you never used to be without.
i remember how you always tasted like them
and i'd occasionally find one under your tongue,
and you'd say you were saving it, just for me.

our song started playing today
in that little cafe you used to take me to,
the one with the soft wooden tables
and those armchairs that seemed perfectly made for me and you.
do you remember all the times we went?
sat together and hummed the tune to that song.
and you never looked more beautiful
than when that milkshake was pressed against your lips,
and the bright red cherry tickled your delicate skin.

the sky was purple tonight
and i miss you.

i want to live in a place
where the only filter
is the light of the street lights
and the only colour
is the sunset on a snowy evening.
i want to live in a place
where you are everything
and everything glows of you.

she could turn a sentence into a star,
just by rolling it off her tongue
as if the universe was made to pour out of her.
her eyes were portals to another world,
to the place where her heart lived,
orbited by her lungs.
within her are a multitude of galaxies,
the map to each one etched across her skin.
i trace the pathway until i find the planet
that we first fell in love upon.
and i kiss her again,
beneath the same blanket of stars
that she exhaled the very first time.
she is made of stars,
every part of her is strung together with a constellation.
and i will travel the entire solar system
just to reach the brightest star
because i know that's where she will be.

smudged lipstick,
exchanged clothes,
eternal smiles,
constant messages,
love heart emojis,
paper flowers,
daisy chains,
borrowed books,
movie marathons,
midnight phone calls,
whispered 'i love you's,
shared secrets,
love songs on repeat,
duets to the smiths,
surprise cuddles,
never-ending happiness,
an absence of loneliness.

i smile and turn away,
my heart flickering.
and as we walk away,
we both look back
for one last goodbye
and grin.
we are two stars in love with each other's brightness.
i open my door
and still i am thinking about you.
your smell still hovers around me
and my smudged lipstick
provides evidence of our love.
immediately i pull out my phone to text you,
only to find a text that reads
'i love you'.
and i know that we will shine forever,
lighting up the world.

on the other side of my screen
there is a sad boy,
his heart broken by a beautiful flower
with dangerous roots.
he covers his eyes,
keeping his tears in the shadows,
hiding them from those he loves.
he is strong and brave and wonderful.
but he doesn't realise.
he paints himself the colour of sadness
yet it fails to disguise the brightness in his soul.
he is in a sea of people
but he stands out,
his kindness and love
so high compared to everyone else's.
he is the most beautiful boy.
one day he will realise.

whoever you are, wherever you are, you are wonderful.
you are full of life and love and the world is so lucky to have you walk upon it.
whatever you might be going through, it will be okay.
i promise.
everything is always okay if you're patient.
and if you wait long enough, everything is brilliant.
never think that you are the only one.
we are all broken in some way.
all of us are struggling to survive.
so please never feel you are alone.
talk to someone.
please.
if we all just spoke about how we were feeling the world would be a much better place.
if you have no-one else to talk to feel free to talk to me.
if you message me on here i can give you my email.
i'm always willing to help anyone and everyone regardless of age, gender etc.
i've been through a lot so i know exactly what it feels like.
sometimes you just need to be reminded that you are beautiful.
that you are special and loved and magical and so so wonderful.
i know it doesn't always feel like that but you are all those things.
every single one of you is brilliant and every single one of you deserves to live.
no matter what you're going through, you will overcome it and you will be okay.
i promise.
this is not a poem but i hope it helps somebody.

i used to believe
that the sun rose
and the sun set
and the moon came out
and the moon hid
and that was it.
but you showed me that the sun
dances around the earth
before showing its beautiful colours
and saying goodnight.
and the moon shines bright
just for us,
so we can gaze into each other.

i used to believe that seasons turned
and the leaf fell from the tree
and that was it,
but you make the leaves flutter,
i see now that they don't fall-
they fly!
then take their place upon the autumn carpet
that will lead me to you.

i used to believe that everything just happened.
trees grew and withered,
humans existed and died
and that was it.
but trees don't just grow, they flourish
and humans live forever.

i used to believe that there was no reason for anything,
but now i see that
the whole world turns for us.

You have no idea
How much
Those little things
Mean to me.
A brief touch
On my forearm,
Brushing my hair
Off my face,
Starting conversations,
Adding an 'x' to your
Already wonderful words,
Nudging my leg with yours,
Putting your glasses on me,
Saying I made your day.
Sure the hugging
And the kissing
Are great.
Fantastic even.
But it's the little things
That mean so much to me.
It's the little things
That make me love you.

little lightning bolts
shoot down my spine
whenever you talk.
you brighten my day
with every touch.
every embrace
brings me up
from the dark place;
the one i'm starting to visit
less and less.
i thought he had
locked me there forever
but suddenly you came
with the key
to my happiness.
and now whenever i see you
little lightning bolts
brighten up my life.

there you are again:
headphones in,
staring at the floor,
the whole universe pouring out of your gaze.
did you really think nobody would notice?
you are trying to block out the world
but it will never work
because the stars that brought us together
will always let me in.

i am trying so hard to help you
but what was once love
is now an abyss of sorrow
and all that now grows there are the black petals of your resentment.
you have built you walls so high
that not even i can climb them.
but i will find a way
no matter how much the weapons of your anger **** me.

you cannot shut yourself away forever.
i will always be able to find you
because the wonder you gave me
always leads me back to you.

I am falling
(for you)
Far too fast.
Every word,
Every touch
Makes me want
To dance
To spin
To leap
Into everything.
But I'm scared
You'll disappear
And I'll continue
To fall.
But without you
To catch me
What will happen?
I am falling
Far too fast.

But baby it is wonderful.

just because i no longer kiss the universe that is in your heart
it doesn't mean that it's not there any more.

just because i now see stars within the depths of his eyes
it doesn't mean that yours aren't still full of them.

just because i do not touch your skin any more
it doesn't mean you don't still feel like the solar system.

just because i no longer love you
it doesn't mean that you are any less brilliant.

you are still wonderful.

at first i saw only your petals,
a deep red blanket of acceptance
and i fell into you longingly.
it was a bed of comfort
that i had not felt before.
and for a few moments it lasted;
i felt your love
and i gave you mine.
but i fell through the petals
and became tangled
in the thorns of your true self.
you did not love me.
you needed to feel loved
and i was the only one
foolish enough to fall.
i am a fool.
i was terrified of you
and i did not leave.
you destroyed me.
with each thorn
you pricked my heart
and out seeped the
blood of my broken soul.
your kisses were not love,
they were saliva and teeth and passion.
desperation.
you never ******* loved me.
you used me
you forced me
you tricked me
and i believed you
with all my trusting naivety.

your petals withered
and died
and now you weep.
you tell them it is my fault.
all i ever did was trust you.
i saw your beautiful petals,
to me, they promised an escape.
but instead you offered me entrapment
amidst the thorns of your madness.
you are the one who killed my spirit
yet you act like i created sadness.
your tears are nothing
more than the guilt inside
the ruins of your mind.

you cry because you need attention.
do not be fooled:
attention is not love.
you crave pity
but no-one will give it to you because
you ******* killed me.

you ******* killed me.
i should be the one who cries.
i had the courage to escape your prison
but do not mistake that for the end of love.
it is you who ended the love
long before it even began.
you hid your thorns
you flaunted your petals
you tricked me
you lied to me
and it ******* killed me.
you ******* killed me.

why do you get to cry
when all you cry for is attention.
why must i cry in silence?
why must i cry alone?
when it is me who is hurting
because it is me who was blooming with love.

STOP

please don't hide your thorns for the next girl.
be your petals.

bright lights
loud music
dancing
hugging
loving
all together
beer
falling
kissing
talking
honesty
truth
*****
happy
laughing
smiling
spinning
spinning
spinning

i love you all so much

the tears are flowing
and i don't know if i am
happy or sad.
is my heart seeping through my shattered soul?
or is my joy leaking from the corners of my smile?
am i on top of the world?
or beneath it?
am i empty?
or bursting with emotion?
i never know whether my soul
is grinning or weeping.
are the tears
happy?
or
sad?

A year ago today I woke up.
And for the first time in years
The sun rose,
Its rays blinding me,
Not with helplessness
But with hope.
I stretched and the sadness slipped away
As the anxiety evaporated in the morning heat.

A year ago today I saw the world for the first time
All its bright lights and smiling faces.
I saw how wonderful it was to be alive.
I stood in the centre of the world
Consuming the beauty,
Breathing in the wonder.
To think I could've stayed asleep
And been oblivious to this place.

A year ago today I breathed a sigh of relief.
It had gone.
There was no longer a black hole within my heart,
Destroying my happiness.

Oh my god it is wonderful to be alive.

A year ago today I woke up.
And I smiled.
It was over at last.

thank you.
look at the life you have given me.
no, it's not perfect,
yes i still cry
but oh my god
it is wonderful to be alive.
remember how i used to hate myself?
well, i'm getting better
thanks to you.
i used to think i was worthless
but you made me see
i am magnificent.
i can't thank you enough
that my heart is beating.
yes my pulse is still weak
but it is getting stronger
i am getting stronger.
this time last year i cried in the rain
but today i danced in the puddles
of my disappearing sorrow.
you are amazing
and i love you
and i owe you so much.
thank you.
you saved my life.

my head hurts.
your love is pounding against my thoughts.
the whispers seep out of my skull
like the secrets that were hidden for far too long.
it's beautiful in a way,
the pain that your happiness has caused me.
how lucky i am to have been hurt by your smile.

i find it funny
that you think everyone
is bulletproof
when i know you
would shatter
like glass
at the slightest touch

when was the last time
you felt someone else's warmth?
the closeness of someone's heartbeat
right next to yours?
when were you last held
by someone who cares so much?
how long since someone told you
that they love all of you?
whispered it in your ear
whilst caressing your hair?
when did you last feel
loved?
wanted?
special?
has it been so long that you
can't remember
the hope and the happiness
wrapped in someone's arms?
when was the last time you smiled
thinking of someone?
have you forgotten what it is to be loved?


i am so lonely

we are just two broken shadows
clinging to each other
desperate to love and be loved
we find solace in one another
equally hurt and destroyed
we have both witnessed the destruction of our own hearts
seen them obliterated into thousands of pieces
littering our souls with pain
but together we will survive.
i love you

every human being is an island.
so little on the surface
compared to the wonder beneath.
we present only what we wish others to know,
the superficiality consuming humanity.
nobody will ever know what is truly inside
and this is okay
according to society.

but i say **** society.
true contentment resides within our heart
and we must let others reach inside
and with their love guide
us up to the surface
so that our island represents
all of us.
and not just the façade.