Me a pessimist?

Haha! You mistake me my friend

What I am is an *idealist

That has been met with great disappointment

Don't think that I don't see
just because I'm not there
for you to view me
glancing through you.

Meet me on a good day
And apparently I glow

Meet me on a bad day
**SUPERMASSIVE BLACK (****)HOLE

They said he had commitment issues
as he hung from the beam.
Toing and froing
tolling their grief.
Change in his pockets and a crumpled receipt.
Ticket for one, a show never seen.

Pacing around him
the floorboards they squeak.
Flashes and flash backs,
some think him weak.
A life never lived
and a love ever lost.
The ending of his story its ultimate cost.

And they said he had commitment issues,
so he hung from that beam.
Toing and froing,
telling his grief.
One way ticket, discarded seat.
No place for change in his darkened genes.

If my Leg was bust
Would you be my crutch?

And if my Mind was,
Could I afford you the same Trust?

Cause Life weighs heavy on a Mind.

The Pedantic Romantic
travelling through the
World of Delusion
from Pacific to Atlantic
just with the news on.

Sofas the chauffeur
when you've got nothing
to show for a day spent
lament, pent up in the House,
Deep and empty,
spose that's why they
call it a HolEday,
best book the room key,
all expense on me,
no need for money,
this ***** free,
oh the irony!
How long a stay?
1 week, too weak, four?
Life long exCURSEion
not one foot out the door.

Just a fan of fantasy,
surviving on cans
of what could be,
Stored ambition that
cannot be ruled,
rotting through indecision
so now used for fuel,
Zero emissions in fact
devoid of all,
except to keep
you turning over
and it does at night
when fantasy ends
and  truth begins,
as the delusion of
the day fades away
its distractions sleeping
where the sun last lay.

Where the whispers you
could drown in music and tv
become allied with the silence
and now they Scream!
When you wish you
had kept those headphones on,
filling your head with thoughts
laid down on somebody
else's song, so those of yours
from your head be **gone.

Choked on my Petits Filous

Experienced the Hurt in Yoghurt

But what can I say

"They're tryna **** me, FROMAGE FRAIS!"

And yeah you wasted your time
Yeah you wasted your emotion
Hell! You made judgement calls
Based on the false
And the wait
Just led to the disappointment

And yeah you'll get twinges
Of pain and regret
Waiting in the fringes
Of your being
When the boundaries
Become insecure
But not enough to unhinge this

Here you are
In this beautiful moment
Called Clarity
All the better
Cause it didn't come easy

**Let Go
Confusion Cease
ReLease hold, Free
Soul-dier at Ease.

Nostalgia or Noosetalgia?
Cause it chokes me in it
To recall a world where I existed
Without a limit

Crawl around a place
Inside my head
I can't escape
Unsure if that faded memory
Is real or fake
And did I make it

Did I make it?
For here I am
In a present
I'm unable to open up
Tied down by a past
Too much spoken of

And Will I make it?
To a future where there is no limit
Break the bad habit
Take the leap
Snap the rope
Or end up choked by it?

Pulled back by the past
A rose tinted hue
Blood shot eyes
Of asphyxiation
Fixated on a south facing view

Sunny
Its funny how warmth can be found
In something long dead
Neglecting life
Favouring the thoughts in your head

Gotta Be careful when you
Tread this path
Cause memory lane
Will be all that remains
Nostalgia can last

Fed it will grow
Your time is its payment
And before you know it
Your presents your past
You passed up your present
For your Past and your Future?

What Future?
*All you ever hoped for or looked to was the Past

You know how you're supposed to grow?

Well I retreated.

Treated and Re-Treated,

For ailments unknown.

Sometimes in life
I just don't know,
If I'm getting tested on
whether I can keep my ideals
Or if I need to let them go?

And I'm left wondering
when did the term "reality"
come to mean a bad thing?

The minute my
imagination
got traded in...

If Home is where the heart is then i am cynically homeless . I have no idea where this heart belongs. It seems that whatever beats in this chest was repossessed long ago. By what or by whom I do not know, but it is gone.

And if home is these streets I grew up in then I'd better set up a cardboard box and start begging. Cause these days I wander familiar paths aimlessly, a dreamer that cannot sleep, wondering where it is I should be; because it is not here.

Taking endless bus journies to escape the monotony, seeking a beginning out of the ends. Knowing this place is the death of me but I'll only ever reach purgatory, cause I always cross over and end up back here.

Sometimes I feel like I'm haunted by this place called home.

And if home is this family, then I'm an orphan surely? This family has forgotten itself. Strangers in silence that hoard emotions on shelves, call it store rage as it simmers in stealth. Daily reminder that I'm just mad at myself cause at this age being so dependent is proving bad for my health.

But maybe I say this all unfairly, cause it's a bad day, so let me re evaluate this place I  call home.

Home is this pen I take with me, the thoughts and feelings it sets free.
Home is the memories.
Home is any place I feel at ease, the people I want to come back to when I leave, the comfort food I eat.
Home is the arms that hold me,  keep me connected when I'm lonely.
Home is that reciprocated intimacy, knowing that when I'm gone you miss me, that smile that only he could give me.
Home is knowing you love me even when i'm angry.
Home is where I can just let it be, those moments of inner peace, the tranquillity.
Home is being care free, laughing uncontrollably making jokes somewhat inappropriately but all in good humour and company.
Home is knowing who I be despite what you see or think of me, singing loudly in public and not self consciously cause fear's been overtaken by curiousity but love mostly.

And maybe I say all this because it's a good day, either way this has got me thinking. Home isn't really a place a person or a thing, it's a feeling. So don't  you see?  I'll always be homeward bound because it begins and ends with me.

I look around me and all I see
Are complexities
People that increasingly
Confuse or frustrate me
I just don't know what they want from me
I just know that this is not where I want to be
Tryin to maintain sanity
On the cheap
So who do I say goodbye to
Who do I keep?

Stick with stuck people
And you'll end up nowhere
And yeah it may sound unfair
But it's true
Its true to me, it's true to you
Leave behind
Or get left behind

But in this you can trust

If I've got love for you
I'll come back for you
Or better yet
I'll turn round to see
You've already caught up

"See If I could love
Don’t you think that I’d love somebody?
If I could trust
Don’t you think that I’d let you touch me?
Teach me to love
I hope there’s still hope for me
‘Cause I wanna love
I wanna love"

-Rudimental ft Emili Sande

I am but an aimless wanderer,
possessing a wavering relationship with fate.
A dreamer that cannot sleep,
a freedom that can't escape.

If your Heart's not in it

There's only so long

your Head will hold out..

I'm just questioning sanity,
hoping that if I walk this path long enough confusion leads to clarity
and that when I reach there finally,
despite countless days in the haze my eyes will be able to see.
That'll I'll be able to lie down in peace without drowning in how you've lied to me.

Cause these days I rest less,
it's why i walk around asleep.
Walking dead, so I'm writing my will free.
Hoping that if I can't trust you again,
I'll at least trust me.

and
What's        Why's?
            
                        The
                 makings
         and
           demise
    
           Of us.

We had our time
That time has gone.

Never make the mistake
Of stayin too long

Anger* comes over me
in waves of hurt
I tell myself be brave
as I brace myself
waiting for the next hit
when all I wanna
Do is lash out with it!
Cause if I were to see you
I can't deny
I don't know whether
I'd punch you in the face,
hug you or cry
Probably all of the above.
Honestly, none.
I'd bite my lip
until the silence
was justified
For I'd have nothing
from which to speak,
embrace cowardice
as I constantly back away
from confrontation,
rage simmering
in the alienation.
And I notice more so now
how I have less tolerance,
less love to give,
for giving it to you
it seems I lost it,
  seems I have
some forgiving to do
but now I've lost it!
And I scream inside
for all that I was denied.
All I denied myself.
We didn't argue
Cause you saw no
point in anger,
you didn't like to,
but I ******* needed to ,
venting is what
I need to do,
and now I feel guilty
and **** that I'm not really
cool, calm and collected,
apologetic for being me
and I don't think that's fair
We all share In despair
but I swear I take on
more than most
being considerate.
But consider it done
out-come the Claws
as I spread the cause and
cause others I care for upset
with my deMEANour
of regret
It's like I forget
that Bottling things up
Never did me no good,
It's no good for my health
I see my hands shaking
But no deals been struck yet
No terms or conditions
been set,
I'm in limbo
And it's no good
for my health
So I shake as
I struggle to accept
I'm not just mad at you
**I'm Mad at myself.

No rest for the Wicked.

No rest for the Weak.

No rest for the ones

that play Hide

and don't Seek.

Everything I've ever
said to you remains sincere.
Whether I should have said it to you
or if it was the right thing to do
however, remains unclear.

Standing in the station,
people whining cause of delays,
Second person that day
who had jumped
in front of a train
on your tube line
and I remember
almost crying
as I thought
what if it was you
laying there dying?
I wouldn't even know.
And there's no denying
that not knowing
is what kills me daily.
Not knowing
if I really knew you,
not knowing
if what we had
was true,
not knowing
if it's my heart
or ego bruised,
I'm so confused.

But I know you were too.

I hope that
beautiful mind
gives you some rest
and that asthma
allows you
to breath easy,
you find your
happiness
with or without me,
that you did
the right thing
and for that
you shouldn't
feel guilty.
That I'll care for you
to the end of time
and one day soon
  if you give me
the opportunity
i'll say this all
to you personally.

Conversation becomes my obituary.**

  *Every sentence beckons closer the death of me.

Repeated chorus of a scratched and scathed LP,

stuttered , spluttered end to the symphony.

So put the violins back
they have been worn out.
Let them whisper and no longer shout.
Place bow in case let there be no doubt,
when next I turn my back on this stage
it'll be as I bow out.

But you're nothing more than an insomniac, focused entirely on the things you lack. You muse you dream but in the end you slack and you have no one but yourself to thank for that.
The sun beckons but you ignore its calls, deafened by your worries and the doubt that stalls, all you want to do and what you hope to be, the hope that lifts you up momentarily, before the clouds impair your sight and the sun now too close appears to bleed light that has now become too bright
and just like Icarus hope gets burnt and falls back down to the ground where now it crawls.
You try to lift yourself up and stare warily at those around you and try to see,
what it is they possess that you don't have but you are filled with nothing but jealousy.
The sun is not for you is what you decide so the darkness is where you now reside. You wonder if from your mind you will ever be free.
I guess not, cause your mind belongs to me.

You realise that I can't help you.*
I've spent my time in the dark
over and over*
and adjusting eyes
can't cry tears for you,
they strive to stay open.

You reach out to me
but I beg you loosen your grasp.
I hold no secrets of how
to leave this place.
No map or direction as I run away
and the guilt it makes me
want to stay and help?

But what good would it do
any of us if I feel in resent
that you drag me back down
to a place I no longer want to be?

I stare back at you
and are confronted
with what used to be me!
That other person I wish
to be separated from,
the one I can't bear to see.

So I abandon you in a last ditch
attempt to save me;
all in the knowing that
in doing so I'm lost already...

Lately I've been a bit careless,
this stress causing me distress.
Just wish I could care less...

How do we stay connected?

*Turn off the internet

Truth is you love them still
And a part of you probably always will
And maybe that's the beauty of it
Nothing expected, nothing connected
It just stands alone and speaks for itself
Not needing to be heard
Or expressed in words
It just simply is