telling me to grow up
it feels constructive
when you insert the potassium chloride into me
gay as morbid men’s amusement
spill into my bloodstream
some children cry
but sometime ago
i let out so many tears that i died
chloride can only preserve what i’ve seen
it’s all nothing
there’s no more dreams
where do i go at night
i can’t tell you the last thing that child uttered
his final breath didn’t matter
boys don’t cry after all
they **** their minds and **** what’s left

tears bleed out for you
and now few days go by
where i want to be beneath
six feet below the terrain
this is my declaration of inner peace
to banish away all the pieces broken
from the hateful beings
of before our time
the lines of happiness
that i would shoot up in me
have lost their gilded shine
now they’re just fragments of my childish despair
you’re all the drug i need

im starting to realize
i don’t eat
im afraid to chew
scared to gain more than an ounce
i thought this fear died
when the hate did
but when you’re gone
i don’t want to fight these pangs
giving in to their tiresome lull
maybe one day i can be as small as i feel
but that’s not the truth
i just want to feel like a man
longed for and strong
instilling fear in those who challenge me
until then i might eat
even more so in hopes that maybe
i can tear open my insides
to become beautiful on the outside

searching for a door
to the forest
i can’t seem to find the way
the crickets echoing cry
can be heard in the halls of this sprawl
what will become of me?
is the envisioning of the murky waters
behind the woods going to give way or
will we ever overcome the weight of the greed around us?
will the pits filled with cellophane and bisphenol break hold of gravity
can the earth fall to the bottom of the universe?
will we feel the blow of the astronomical damage that we have done?
can the money you paid to wipe away your sins truly be forgotten of?
when the world begets its metamorphosis
to the hell it’s always meant to become
you won’t see me
your money will be gone
i’ve always been meant to see the inferno
but this is your doing not mine

sins of the past
linger about
i’m sure they’ll evaporate
after we consummate
or maybe they won’t
But i need to know

sometimes i feel like a waste
a waste of space
a waste of time
a waste of breath
a waste of my own mind
a waste of any and all kinds
it feels hopeless to try
to reprogram
if it’s already so hard
to live without letting out further cries

precision to
envision what i need
my wants
are very difficult to place
ritalin though
helps me
but i can’t imagine the continuation of what feels like a sin
wording is everything
i’ve only tried it ten times
******* pornographic depictions of your ******* fixations
fuel my motivation for more
to give you and i the world
and continue to love you my little *****
i shouldn’t say these things
but the nasty ways
we profess our love
are the most raw and beautiful displays
of human nature

my propensity  
to manifest demons into people
consistently projecting
the tragedies of my own imagination
into other people
my desire to eject
leaves me like the cockroaches
hungry and filthy
but i didn’t make me
right?
theres nothing in me that wants it
why can’t i starve
the deep hate
eat the world’s abundance
decadent and I, undeserving
i’m tired of not feeling something
only feeling nothing
drive my skin against the walls
that i built up
just to long for them to fall
but it’s not me
no accountability
ready
it’s you and me
i need purity
to know you want me
not just me in you
you make me feel nothing close of void
sleep with me
just me
i promise i don’t see

crashing

when you're gone
i can't land alright
nothing holding me back
gravity pushes me in agreeance
good riddance  
i was never apart of the blueprint
there wasn't a plan
space out and decide to implode
your immaturity exceeds normalcy

crushed

moving backwards farther than before
can’t look at myself anymore
they made me bruise my skin
generosity is lame
authenticity is a facade
your empty promises will buy it all
jealousy resides in my heart to this day because of them
flashbacks haunt me
green lights guide me down away from reality
save me from my former
a sad child out for revenge
cold to touch
fully detached and shaking
haunting visions of time spent in delusion
lie to feel
lie to escape
feel the power behind that
behind the bile and tears were strength
i regret the times when i had it all
nights spent with myself loathing my own
a boken mirror is like drinking alone
sometimes i think im dying
but i’m not worth saving
break the cycle
but what’s the point

give me your pain
let me take it all
like the man i am
my filthy hands can feel the scars
behind your breast
the healed incisions of years before
i only want to give you everything i can
in exchange for your discomfort
i want to bear your heart’s burdens
you brace for the unknown
every time you feel alive
i pray to you my god every night
so that i may keep your heavenly embrace
and never feel the malice that’s left
your eyes show what’s unsaid
it’s only fair to bring you back from the dead

you don’t want me anymore
the touch of my skin crawls from your insides
what is it baby

you used to love laying next to me
now you stare off when you say I love you
if you’ve fallen out of love with me
please lay down by my side one last time

i know how it feels
you finally typed out that sentence with tears in your eyes
it’s more real than ever

im so sorry you’re hurt
but i still want to hold you

strolling the candescent street
they don’t make me feel like a creep
my scent has you saturating
with me it’s only me penetrating
that place you really wanted to show me
last week
won’t you just lie in my face
everything i do makes me weak
i find myself fighting
my others
they’re whisperings cloud me with envy
you’re too lovely
some things in this world are god given
they’re given as gifts
but your sorrowing lies pity me

excruciating disgust boiling inside
push down into my wounds
bleed myself dry
because i am but a weak man
with no spine
looking above
spit dripping down my lip
salt excreted out of my pores
gasping for the strength to melt away
i cry at night
rotting away because i’m not right
misused and disregarded
i am the rotten apple
when you picked me
you were mistaken
because you didn’t check the other side

my tender heart aches
at the thought of any slight change

any and everything
within the right constraints
may cause inconceivable discomfort

blank stares and angry confusion haunt me
they live within the uninhabited parts of me
they’ve decided to take shelter within the parts i’ve closed off for good

empty rooms they fill
inching in my mind
the worms grow by feeding on my discomfort

how they wish i was dead
sometimes i make peace and side with them