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jǫrð 7d
I found the transcript,
All my transgressions
Sat heavy in the bottom
Of the ottoman you left out
On the porch when the hurricane came.

And next to that, a toy
Spot, as he was once called,
Risen once more to claim
The key of my death,
Of all that was once white and innocent.

I can read between the lines,
I've become an expert at that
And I know what she meant
When she placed these together
Like a time capsule of my fall from grace

She never wanted me anyway.
The History: My only crime, was that I thought I loved someone much older than myself. My brother came home from the military, and created unnecessary conflict. He coached my mother to have the man I was seemingly in love with arrested and I blamed myself for his lost years.  I always knew her actions were correct though my feelings were unwavering. That's what young love does. She always told me I, "Chose a man over my own family" all the while leaving me without proper medical treatment, or food or care to go out with men she was seeing. She was a bar fly that never married.
After abandoning me for a short while as a child to party here in Florida, she took me back and we moved here permanently. She took me from my father to spite him. She wanted me to take care of her when she was dying. Made me promise I would my whole life. I loved her through all of the abuse.
I wasn't there when she passed though. I never expected her to go so suddenly. And when I went to her home, I found the courtroom transcript of my greatest trauma placed with my very first toy from childhood. The one she placed in my crib at birth. One last dig from beyond the grave.
I am not a mother
And for that reason,
It wouldn't be fair for me to speak to the frustration you must feel having a child who just couldn't ever get it all together.
I cannot remember the times as a baby where you consoled me without anger.
I cannot fathom that there was a moment in my life where you held me and rocked me to sleep without feeling like I somehow owed you something.
I cannot speak to how many nights you spent awake crying because I kept you awake and all you needed was just a few hours of sleep to keep going.
I cannot recall these things, but I think, I hope, that you were the kind of mother back then, who did it all.
I am not a mother
I do not know the kind of disappointment that having a 29 year old child living at home must bring.
I do not always get things right
I do not always pull my weight and I don't pay your bills and I see the way you clench your fists and sigh everytime I have anything to say back about your demands.
I am far from perfect
I have caused so much pain over the years and believe me I know,
I haven't made loving me very easy.
But I am not YOUR mother.
It is not my job to regulate your emotions.
I am not obligated to take your side in every argument even when I know you are wrong.
Because sometimes, you ARE wrong.
I am your daughter
I have tried my whole life to make you proud, to prove to you I am worthy of your love, even though I am no longer a "child".
Sometimes it works
You give me your love when it's easy.
When I do something you can brag about to your friends.
You love me when it's convenient,  for YOU.
Then again, a mother's love isn't supposed to be conditional
The silent treatment only makes me fold further into my own skin.
Your back handed comments about everything I don't do, and how I should be so grateful to have a roof over my head, only breeds more resentment and hurt inside of me.
I know I am lucky
I know that so many other families have it worse and that from the outside looking in, we are this perfect family.
The thing is, no one is perfect,  not even you
I never expected you to be a perfect mother, a perfect mother does not exist.
I expected you try.
I expected you to teach me how to love myself before anyone else because I am deserving of it.
I expected you to be there for me when things were falling apart, without judgement, or anger, or guilt.
You never loved yourself either
And my heart hurts to think about the stories of your childhood.
Your own mother could never give you the love you deserved.
But I NEEDED you to break the cycle
I needed you to ask for help.
I needed you to recognize that you have caused a lot of hurt for me too.
I needed you to want to change.
To this day, you've never gotten the treatment you so desperately needed
I'm not saying this to be mean
I'm saying this because none of us are immune to trauma and if it's not dealt with, the cycle continues.
Unfortunately,  I am now part of this cycle too
I cannot help but think that if you had only gotten the help you needed when I was younger, I wouldn't need to be the one in treatment for trauma.
I cannot help but wonder what our relationship could have been like today, had you faced your own demons and fought them, like the warrior I know you can be.
But I know,
I am not a mother.
I am under your control.
It is how you like it.
How you need it to be.
I am not a mother.
I am silenced.
Heavy Hearted Jun 16

Narcissistic -

To the dreamers
Divine deceivers
A Sublime message,
The faith's receiver'
Understanding lonesome
Psychic sleepers;
The Destroyers'
Disguised Defeater.

Apathetic -

S  till
T  ry
I   manging
C  ompassion
Parker Oct 2021
I view the world through the lens of my parents
All men as power hungry, ***** animals that I'll never be enough for
All women as not wanting me, rejecting my very being without knowing who I am
Andrew Layman Mar 2021
Let's not be coy
I said,
wagging my finger
you are here to talk about me
I said repeatedly
to the mirror
so talk---
I said, playfully
or I will.
Larissa Frost Jan 2021
The siren saved me
With her fragrant tune
On the water
At half past noon
He couldn’t resist
And she pulled him
To have him join her
As her daily feast
At half past noon.

                      -L. Frost
Rebecca Oct 2020
Come one, come all!
I invite you now to the narcissistic ball!

A herd of manipulators will dominate this masquerade.
It will be a sight to see, get your ticket now and don’t be late!

The theme of tonight’s event is sociopathic tendencies,
preying on other people’s vulnerabilities.

Infatuated with themselves, lack any feeling.
Making love to their reflection is what they find appealing.

Mirror mirror on the wall
who is the grandest egomaniac of all?
They will be crowned tonight, didn’t you know?
You will find out if you dare to show!
Evie G Oct 2020
Aloof in the wind, perfectly poised to the sun.
Dressed in the disguise of men he’d seen in movies.
Waiting, in the wrinkles of leather jackets
Waiting, intoxicating scent of cigarettes
Hiding with teeth infested vines
Hiding, fingers meshed into the roots
Cowering, it can’t hide from a mind so sharp it wounds him
A disgusting entity , suffering.
Oozing, contorting to fit the eye of the beholder
Repulsive vines splutter bitter sap that once seemed so sweet to me
Yeah so this was some vent poetry, I think we’ve all unfortunately met someone like this. Any comments are much appreciated.
mark soltero Sep 2020
i don’t care  
i might be afraid
but i don’t care
it won’t matter
when i won’t be
lemme go on record and say I was definitely listening to nirvana when I was thinking ab this
Cattatonicat Jul 2020
You wanted me to be tiny like you

The compliments you gave out in the beginning
Dried up and soon nothing I did was enough for you

I went out of my way to help you the first time
After that, you took my help for granted, made me do it over and over again
You acted helpless to guilt me, and the truth is you didn’t want to help yourself
When I tried to stop, you left a hurtful letter, out in the open, very well visible, on the kitchen table
Yes, I know you lied about the fact that you wrote the letter for your eyes only
Yes, I know you wrote the letter to hurt me and manipulate me
That’s when I should have left you, but I was too nice, I was too naive

I did most of the cooking, and you did most of complaining about the food
You started to control the way I dress, you wanted me to dress the way that was acceptable to you
You also didn’t want me to be with my friends

You belittled the work I did to chase my dream
If I work for my dream, I would grow, and you didn’t want that
You needed me to be tiny, so you could control me

I couldn’t let you manipulate me into being tiny like you
I have a dream I can’t possibly achieve if I’m tiny like you
I can’t let that happen
That’s why you are not in my life
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