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As if looking direct upon gilded summer rays, she blinded my every sense. For after one glance upon her blue-grey eyes, the world became ephemeral, and every breath felt ethereal.  It was as if history melted away, and every book, every photo ever taken, told a story of whatever led to this moment. Chaos. Fate. Anxiety and courage. I don't know. But just as soon, time showed its transcurrent ways, and she had left. Minutes passed, hours passed, eons aged every pore, but I had just arrived. I gazed upon heaven and got lost in the garden of eden, and now, falling back to my seat, I watched every memory I never had walk, just feet away. She is gone now, and as dreams pass in sleep, sometimes too, do dreams pass in wake. I sit frozen.
I wonder if you have ever looked around
and noticed that it’s all burning to the ground.
I wonder if you noticed yourself light the match
I wonder if you purposely locked the latch
so that we would all burn inside.
I wonder if you even cried.
I wonder if the gasoline stained your clothes

I wonder if maybe you’re in one of your lows.
I wonder if you see that the hug you’re giving
is really your hands around my neck.
I wonder how much longer I’ll be living.

I wonder if you see how much of my life is a wreck
I wonder if you know that you’re to blame,
And I wonder, if you look at your own life and feel the same.
I wrote this when I was tired of certain people in my life who were very manipulative.
I need a scoreboard outside my window
To get up in the morning
I want to sit up and see where I'm at
Because the devil knows I'm not in last place
Not anymore, at least
And god knows I know others worse
Those ******* who burnt me out
I know they're down below me
Or I hope they are at least
And heaven would be to watch
From grand stadium balconies
Upon death, from above
As these people everywhere live chaos
And judge
And get judged
And we judge their judgements
And give them a score
And put it in the sky for all to see
Or at least for me to see
To know I'm not in last place
God, I hope I'm not in last place
She was a bridge
Built of her own design
No water could stymie us

But soon people came
To use her as a diving board
And she was much too fragile
To handle that burden

So she crumbled away
To crave the intangible
Like it's light and I'm a plant
Or like it's water and I'm a fish

If I was a fish I wouldn't need attention
I could swim, yeah, I could breathe
Maybe even suffocate in a fisherman's net

To crave the intangible
Like it's needed to live
A new class, up there with
Food and water
But why?

I used to think I feared abandonment
I probably still do, actually
But this is different
Maybe it's replacing my self image
To know I'm desired by others

But I dream I could be that fish instead
I fall in love with minds
But fall in **** with bodies
And those are
My two faces
I admire myself in complex light
But hate myself in two shaded contrast
And I gave her my heart
My soul
That selfish
Twisted
Unkind
Excuse for a woman

She was sick
From cover
To ******
And I only knew it
Too late

But I'm self destructive
And sitting here, wanting
To share my victories with her

Maybe it'd **** her
While killing me too

Martyred
For the sake of
Selfishness

That god awful woman
Deserving of nothing
But burning coals
And

I wish she'd burn me down
Jayce Jan 13
i sit in the confessional, the lattice throwing shadows that in the corners of my eyes become demons.

inhale, hold, exhale.

Forgive me not, for it was not me who sinned. But God himself, who allowed the hands between my legs when my thighs were no more than centimeters apart, those who forced themselves to invade my space even as I cried and prayed for mercy. God who allowed their sweat to fall on my face, mixing with my tears. God who caught my breath in my throat until it was scratched raw inside my mouth as a bird in a cage.

It was God who sinned when this happened not once or twice, but so much that my body became a shell and my mind a mallet with which to break. It was God who stood by as I opened my veins and looked for an answer.

Forgive me not father, because you did not protect me, forgive me not, because it was you who did nothing.

Inhale, hold, exhale.

The lattice throws shadows across my lap and my legs have stopped trembling.

Forgive me not father, because you have pillaged me through them.
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