i could drive
to your apartment
but its

empty

like my head
unlike my heart
like my hands
desperately

grasping

for something

that i am

unsure of

in continuation

if you never change,
you'll never get anywhere -
but if you keep changing,
you'll leave yourself behind.

when do i know
how much of myself
i should change
and how much of
someone else
i should leave behind

you showed me
that even though
my sky is dark,
there are still
stars

and now that
you are gone,
they are going out
one by one

you learned what happiness is
because you learned what love isnt

all this time
i blamed myself
for being
purple
when you thought
i should be
red
because it went better
with my eyes

now i am
a shade of
blue -

neither my
original self
nor
what you want

and blue is the color
of depression.

in the end,
no one
fell in love
with her -
so she
fell in love
with her
sadness.

it is hard
to tell yourself
that the worst days
are behind you

when you feel like
you are still
living through them

the question is no longer
"when will i be happy?"
but rather
"will i ever be happy?"

ice and fire through my veins
stomach meets the floor
brain growing fuzzy behind the ears
i cant see
i cant hear
i cant breathe

and in those moments
when you ask me,
"are you okay?",
there is too much
light
to say no
and too much
darkness
to say yes

it is meant to be
give and take
not
push and pull

the effort
should not be
the struggle

i find myself feeling
so small
so insignificant
at the worst times

like when
your hand is in mine
and your fingers can traverse
such a large expanse

while i can barely
manage to hold on
to anything
for too long

and even when
i find my grip
the other side
lets go

even though the
tide
comes back
to kiss the
sand,
the sun
rises
every morning
to find that
the moon
is already
gone

sneaker imprints from crossing
newly shaven legs

rosy sunburn mixing with
a spattering of freckles

scraped knees from
a failed skateboard trick

wind tossed hair
summer heart

they all frequent the same places
and maintain the same postures

they use the same spoons
and adore the same sounds

they smoke the same cigarettes
and poison themselves
with the same brand
of alcohol

no new notifications

youll learn to
respect
the demons
you share
this earth with
when you realize
that some of them
reside within you

a cloak wrapped tightly
around the two of us

but where
is the dagger?

whose blade
are we hiding from?

your mind
has decided
not to be
your friend
right now -

but i am
always
your friend

maybe
one day
we will
meet again

bumping
carts
at the
grocery store

or
walking
the dog
in the
park.

maybe
one day
we will be
okay
again,

hopefully.

when walking into
a house that is not yours
be cautious of
broken picture frames

you may cut yourself
on broken pieces
of someone elses past

and so ill let my feelings trail off
like a lukewarm ending
to what was meant to be a perfect fairytale

midnight fireflies;
kisses gone up in smoke

the day she turned lesbian for her best friend,
and the first time he cut himself

the kids will raise their bottles,
and their parents will raise their fists

they will turn the dial on the stereo
until their eardrums burst,
or their fingertips break

i have come to accept
that i am always
full
of love
of hate
of anger
of pain

i am never
half way

i can never
meet you
in the middle

if you pick me up
and make me spill
i am not sorry

i asked if you loved me
and you said yes
but i do not know
if yes is yes
or yes is no
because you wrote
your own dictionary
and it is not written
in any language
that my heart can
understand

laying in the leaves
on the forest floor
outside of a
suburban neighborhood

i am partially high
and closing my eyes
to avoid the brightness
of the sunlight

for what does the
sun mean
if the leaves still fall,
and what purpose
do my feelings serve
if you do not
feel the same
anymore

i thought that maybe
drugs
alcohol
tears
blood
would finally
pack up the last
few pieces
i had left of you
and sweep them
away
like the leaves
i am cradled by
as the oncoming
breeze
of fall
descends upon
the trees

but the high
makes me feel
lower,
and the buzz
just rattles
the crude stitches
i had hand-sewn
onto my heart

i am drowning
in what is left
of you,
even though it is
only a puddle

i am only
awake
enough to feel
the pain

i drunkenly mutter
i loosely scream
i silently cry

no matter
what state
i am in,
whether i am
solid
liquid
wasted
trashed

there is
still
enough of you
left in me
to make
summer
freeze over
and my
heart
stop
with the sudden
change
in temperature

today,
i wish
i was
dead.

i want
to roam
the
world
as a
shadow,
seeing
the pain
but not
feeling
it.

you are standing
right in front of me

but your gaze
shows that you are
honestly
thousands of miles away

like the rings of
saturn
you spin in endless
circles

and catch up to me
every so often
but then continue on
within your orbit

there is a
safeness
in not caring,
but also
a comfort
in caring

his eyes
were as
blue
as the way
he made me feel.

seven hundred and twenty nine feet below
a ferris wheel turns
shimmering in its slow white circles

a vision blurred
by hotel room windows
and sad thoughts
at 12:00 am

but there are some
funny little things
that you probably shouldnt know
and i probably wouldnt tell you

like how i cant look at
sunflowers
because they really arent
happy

or how certain names seem
too heavy for me
to wrap my tongue around

there are some funny little things
that shouldnt matter
but somehow they do

like how my taste for rootbeer
turned sour
when a boy who loved rootbeer
broke my heart

or a certain song on my playlist
has gone silent for years
but still takes up 4 megabytes on my phone

there are some funny little things
that i hate to acknowledge
as important
because i dont want them to be

but yet
somehow
some way
they are too important
to let go of

i am a human -
and sometimes,
that scares me