it is meant to be
give and take
not
push and pull

the effort
should not be
the struggle

when do i know
how much of myself
i should change
and how much of
someone else
i should leave behind

love me for who i am
love the pen marks
on my hands
love the scars
along my thighs
love me for who i am

i never realized
that cutting you out of me
would mean
ripping my whole body apart

you planted your roots
in my veins
and tangled your stem
within my stomach

leaves are curling
out from under my fingernails
and petals are sprouting
from my scalp

i am vomiting up your flowers
and they are
the same shade as your eyes

no new notifications

when your heart is heavy,
you cannot just empty it -
and even if you could,
who would want an empty heart?

it is hard
to tell yourself
that the worst days
are behind you

when you feel like
you are still
living through them

the question is no longer
"when will i be happy?"
but rather
"will i ever be happy?"

you showed me
that even though
my sky is dark,
there are still
stars

and now that
you are gone,
they are going out
one by one

sneaker imprints from crossing
newly shaven legs

rosy sunburn mixing with
a spattering of freckles

scraped knees from
a failed skateboard trick

wind tossed hair
summer heart

all this time
i blamed myself
for being
purple
when you thought
i should be
red
because it went better
with my eyes

now i am
a shade of
blue -

neither my
original self
nor
what you want

and blue is the color
of depression.

if you never change,
you'll never get anywhere -
but if you keep changing,
you'll leave yourself behind.

but there are some
funny little things
that you probably shouldnt know
and i probably wouldnt tell you

like how i cant look at
sunflowers
because they really arent
happy

or how certain names seem
too heavy for me
to wrap my tongue around

there are some funny little things
that shouldnt matter
but somehow they do

like how my taste for rootbeer
turned sour
when a boy who loved rootbeer
broke my heart

or a certain song on my playlist
has gone silent for years
but still takes up 4 megabytes on my phone

there are some funny little things
that i hate to acknowledge
as important
because i dont want them to be

but yet
somehow
some way
they are too important
to let go of

and in those moments
when you ask me,
"are you okay?",
there is too much
light
to say no
and too much
darkness
to say yes

a cloak wrapped tightly
around the two of us

but where
is the dagger?

whose blade
are we hiding from?

when walking into
a house that is not yours
be cautious of
broken picture frames

you may cut yourself
on broken pieces
of someone elses past

in the end,
no one
fell in love
with her -
so she
fell in love
with her
sadness.

your mind
has decided
not to be
your friend
right now -

but i am
always
your friend

they all frequent the same places
and maintain the same postures

they use the same spoons
and adore the same sounds

they smoke the same cigarettes
and poison themselves
with the same brand
of alcohol

he looked at me
with sleepy eyes

eyelids trying to hide
deep spiderwebs of thought

"smile"
he said
and when i did
the storm was
calmed

there is a
safeness
in not caring,
but also
a comfort
in caring

midnight fireflies;
kisses gone up in smoke

the day she turned lesbian for her best friend,
and the first time he cut himself

the kids will raise their bottles,
and their parents will raise their fists

they will turn the dial on the stereo
until their eardrums burst,
or their fingertips break

i find myself feeling
so small
so insignificant
at the worst times

like when
your hand is in mine
and your fingers can traverse
such a large expanse

while i can barely
manage to hold on
to anything
for too long

and even when
i find my grip
the other side
lets go

even though the
tide
comes back
to kiss the
sand,
the sun
rises
every morning
to find that
the moon
is already
gone

youll learn to
respect
the demons
you share
this earth with
when you realize
that some of them
reside within you

today,
i wish
i was
dead.

i want
to roam
the
world
as a
shadow,
seeing
the pain
but not
feeling
it.

maybe
one day
we will
meet again

bumping
carts
at the
grocery store

or
walking
the dog
in the
park.

maybe
one day
we will be
okay
again,

hopefully.

thinking i had
wrapped myself
around your heart,

i childishly
failed to realize
it was your ankle
instead

its been a while
since i was
hospitalized

three years ago
i nervously waited
for my verdict
at 2 AM

so when he called me
tonight
with a voice as tired
as someone who had finally
given up

i knew exactly
what was happening

and i relived
my death wishes
through his soft,
defeated words

adapt
like a bird
building a nest
out of discarded newspaper

a small animal's bones
restructuring
readjusting
around the plastic rings
that once held soda cans

learn to stay put
if you were meant to fly
but find yourself
caged

adapt
change your body chemistry
alter your consciousness
to fit in
where you were not made to

i asked if you loved me
and you said yes
but i do not know
if yes is yes
or yes is no
because you wrote
your own dictionary
and it is not written
in any language
that my heart can
understand

i have come to accept
that i am always
full
of love
of hate
of anger
of pain

i am never
half way

i can never
meet you
in the middle

if you pick me up
and make me spill
i am not sorry

papers take on liquid form
i am drowning in them