open the door
a man stands there with a smile
the package he passes
is not on my Christmas list
that doorway sure is no chimney.

shaking, frightened, it's finally time
alone, i unfasten the bag,
as if it's the first brithday
that my grandma is no longer with us.

this was the most expensive present
i have ever received
although the grantor is no ******* Santa Claus
&
that instant i recognize
my existence
lies in these jars.

i outwitted mother nature
if i begin consumption
i live

if not well.....*How Will It End?

HE always gets the higher rank,
Not just  HIM but any
Of the fall soldiers.

What do they fulfill,
That you are missing,
Are you troubled behind closed doors?

You have a youth of your very own,
Standing right here,
Tacitly craving just a loving expression.

You wound me when you advise tactfully,
that I should vacate,
So you and your vernal pibe,
Can take in abortive entertainment.

Little did I know,
Lounging in the same environs,
Was a taboo in the posh palace.

I would reflect,
Reimagine & rationalize.
If you neglect to
You may find a solitary soul.

My heart hopes for the highest,
But days past tell me otherwise.
Humans argue, fuss and struggle,
But those who,
Value and treat unconditional loves,
Warmheartedly get the real pleasure.

If I ride off from this declining,
Tormenting cliff, like a lost knight,
Know why.
&
When things get distressing,
Maybe then you will understand.

Love & Art,

Offspring

1991-20??

the thoughts never go
i realize you are unavailable,
not because you are with someone
your lack of remorse hurts.

i don't desire to stroke your ego
so i merely keep it concealed;
although every time i visit you,
the caterpillars in my stomach develop wings.

your intoxicating chorus
eases my anxious mind;
your tender kiss
absorbed directly into my veins…

but i know i am not the
one who helps you fall asleep,
for i am a man who writes
about heartbroken cries

we as men don't want to hear that ****
for intimacy and emotional exposure is dangerous
and with so much at stake
why would you make your emotional sentiments so public

because of you
you, you, you, you, you
i obviously cannot tell you
so if someone resonates with me

i can feel love from someone, somewhere.

12 roses, full of life
love that is true
it always will be
no pedal shall ever fall.

I want to take
these final moments
to let my eternal passion
fill your maturing ears.

I wish the universe didn't
allow us to cross paths then,
it wasn't the right time
I was ready to embrace again,
                                                                you never had.

If only She had it in her hand
of cards a few more spades
and not so many hearts to play
ours would have never broken.

You were just learning,
while I had just learned
it's unfortunate;
life is full of chance

added with a splash of unseen chance,
ultimately leading souls that were meant
to become a divine alliance
split like the cracks of a desert terrain.

I now realize that time
cannot heal every wound
but, I do know confusion over
lost love.

Sadly much of the time,
She has too much to give
to those not quite prepared
or she mistakes your space

                          for the wrong piece.


when the right heart falls in your
invisible painless tear
and you become overwhelmed
hold onto that soul.

because no one deserves the pain
that occurs when
it is ripped out
from your chest.

love and Art, 1991

h. Holveck

my heart.
feels weighed down.
it has been carved out
the moment I feel safe.

you leave me
with the key I presumed
you would handle with care
the locksmith closed down.

luckily, I had a couple of spares
but, they are hidden away,
I thought I hid them well,
I spared them for safety.

I knew that they could not be copied,
they couldn't be recklessly handed out,
I'd done that too much,
had so much stolen from me overnight.

I don't think my life would bear another break in
I have one left and I've hidden it so well,
I don't even know where it is anymore.
Which I think in the end might be a good thing.

The person who claims that key will naturally know how to obtain it, even if I don't.
Considering they are the only one with the last copy.

what an unexpected response,

such a normally dreadful hour,

your improvisation was,

strangely pleasant.

i spoke of a companion,

you warmly obliged,

encore; quite unforeseen,

your psyche perplexed me.

we danced in diamond caves,

stiffly skimming,

each others surface,

faintly uttering counterfeit apologies.

the occasion moved along,

awkward glances and grazing,

turned into obscene materials,

something.

booked my ardor,

spontaneity, ambition,

       &

those chromatic apertures.

the enigmatic attribute you carry

                        has

the speaker openly overtly enamored.

Greed, gluttony, indulgence, selfishness.
These are all characteristics I've seen
From a human who chose such a supposedly selfless career.
Funny how the less fortunate prey on the wallets thicker than theirs.

Their is a large difference between intentionally wronging
And misguided, assumptions that only misguided souls make
This is a public service announement,
Mom's in wild will protect their offspring to the death, I'll leave it at that.

Phone calls, emails, texts.
Don't believe everything you hear, don't disregard it either.
Play your pawn carefully sir, as your next move
Very well could be your last.

I just care about society until one of my own crosses me,
I have respected you by not interrupting your rendezvous,
Respect of the crest of M would have prevented your sad demise
Hopefully next time lessons shall be learned.

yours truly,
the m.h.d.

please, don't leave me high,

the others left, but you seem strangely comforting

i can't even put a finger on it

rarely i think with my heart

my head tends not to cry

it is been through hell

i want you most.

The way you make me feel is incredible. Nothing like the first, nothing like the second, I may have loved them but, not like I love you. I have never met anyone that makes me feel the way you do. My head filled with a no vacancy sign, but the electricity was out; somehow you fixed it. That "no" shines brighter than it ever has before.

When you said, "When you put your hands on me." The thought I caused you even just for a moment, to be afraid of me, just breaks my heart. For you filled my life with nothing, but natural smiles and joy rides. I wish I would have appreciated and it all more.

I'm the last man on this earth who should take anyone willing to enter my dark, closed off & broken structure. Anyone willing to enter my life of chaos and mystery is more daring than any human before. If you persist, you'll come to the place that shatters the pain those with reckless hearts left me. You'll open a pure, passionate soul. To get to the damaged site, you will have to fight through the maze. Those who hid my affection left no map. I think you were almost there. You had me but like most something in my destroyed halls of lost love. My guards spooked you off. You ran far away and left me empty again. Lonely again. I had begun to draft our story. I'm hoping you'll decide whatever barricade halted your journey, brings you back. My hand hurts from writing first drafts. I desire our story to be everlasting. So long the Bible envies it.

If you can make it to the place where love is locked, you have found the key. The key to my heart. Promise me to leave that no on my vacancy sign forever lit.

Greed, gluttony, indulgence, selfishness.
These are all characteristics I've viewed
From a man who chose such a proclaimed selfless profession.
Amusing how the less fortunate prey on the wallets thicker than theirs.

There is a significant difference between intentional wronging
And misguided, assumptions that only souls that are led astray make
The purpose of this text is a public service announcement,
some may call it art; only the creator truly knows it's meaning.
Mom's in the wild will protect their progeny to the death, I'll leave it at that.

It began in spoken word. Your fear carried on to strings of letters that could only flow through a brain sunken in liquid toxicity.
Don't believe everything you hear, don't dismiss it either.
Play your pawn carefully sir, as your next movement
Very well could be checkmate.

I care about society until someone I know crosses me,
I have honored you by not interrupting your rendezvous. Taking advantage of people is your game.
You prey on those who are too naive to type six letters following a name into a search box.

Fortunately, your cadaverous will forever rot.
While the tempter, sits in delight holding onto a smile so menacing. You have only seen it portrayed by Mr. Nicholsan.
Regard of the Crest of the house would have prevented your sad demise.

As there are no do-overs when you work with Satan, at least you fell for his entrapment, and no one will be wounded by your passive lies again.

we wish you eternal damnation,
the m.H.d.

unexpected beauty entered my life
this is what i love about life
the golden spontaneous event's
that come after you dont think you can't keep trying.​

when people let you down
life puts a spark to light the pilot light.​

last night was one only felt
in our tender touch
and will always rest in my sheets

when we began our temporary bliss
i knew you'd never see me again,
although it might seem sad,
but love is just a drawn out game

so even if we never meet again
i still know where a piece of my heart is
unlike them you won't break it
you left me the words of tenderness

the words that flow from my soul

to my veins and out through my fingertips,

to most are obstructed by either confusion, misunderstanding

or whatever other baggage they carry that won't let my abstract thoughts

penetrate their unfortunate heavy epicenter.



never have my expressions been powerful enough to break them,

i met you, spent half a day with you, and you left,

that was it, gone, just like that,

1,000's of miles away.



but however, whatever ill-fated scenario that was,

we speak to each others soul, lover we don't even have the same native tongue,

yet you understand my core better than any other that has ever entered my leading light.



i'm taken back to a child-like state,

i feel scared, forlorn.

i'm afraid just like an absent father,

you will provide me with certainty that it will happen.



sweetheart, i hate to break this to you but,

age doesn't pause for life, love or the desire to pursue you

as scary as it may be, if what is spoken to me is true

that dive, as deep, as dark as it may be, know i am writing to you from the depths.

i vow, i won't let you drown. please, babe, dive in,  

my skin is only withering without you.



love & art, 1991

henk holveck

In the beginning, we bartered hearts like merchants at a bazaar,
each of us donning silver smiles and guarded eyes,
holding a currency of whispers and half-truths,
our souls up for auction, a tangled web of worth.

I've always been a collector of broken things,
an archivist of fractured dreams,
a believer in the beauty of the mended,
but this time, I am the jagged porcelain,
cradled in your hands, asking to be whole.

You wove love into me like a tapestry,
threaded through my aching seams,
you took my tattered edges, stitched them tenderly,
and I could almost believe I am deserving,
though I wear this love like borrowed garments,
a thrift store treasure, waiting to be claimed.

Oh, how we danced in the shadows of our doubts,
with the moon as our witness, we pirouetted,
brushed fingertips like shooting stars,
my heart a hummingbird, in the cage of my chest.

I have held shame like a secret lover,
nestled in the crook of my neck, a serpent's breath,
it whispered in my ear, "you're not enough,
you're a counterfeit soul, a fool's gold,
a price too steep, a debt too deep."

I've chased oblivion, doused in liquid fire,
a self-destructive waltz, a frenzied masquerade,
but you, you held me close, a lighthouse in the storm,
your love, a compass guiding me to shores unseen.

Together, we excavated the depths of my despair,
traveled through the catacombs of my heart,
our love a language, a dialect of healing,
a lexicon of scars and whispered apologies.

I have been a doubter, a skeptic of my worth,
but you taught me to seek the gold within my veins,
to peel back the layers of rust and fear,
to find the precious, the hidden, the unseen.

And now, we stand at the edge of a precipice,
our love a fragile bridge, swaying in the breeze,
I tremble, unsure, a hesitant traveler,
but you, you hold my hand, and together, we leap.

In this uncharted landscape, we forge our destiny,
a mosaic of laughter and tears, a tapestry of dreams,
our love, a currency worth more than silver or gold,
for we are the treasure, the priceless, the untold.

Uncertainty is set in motion,

every second the sickening insanity grows,

like an epidemic in my soul,

only one antidote can restore this growing mind ****.

Unfortunately this disease of the soul,

has an expiration date,

the elixir would have take moments to cure,

such a time sensitive virus.

Having many irons on the fire,

now that’s an authentic alibi for a dull flame.

It appears as though I was only a match.

Well, I BURNT out.

N̶o̶w̶ Always just smoke in mirrors.

I was allured to your forbidden fruit.

You mis-led me with your charm, sweet-talk and charisma.

I’m relieved your varied signals did not last,

for then I may endure a heavy heart for a few seasons.

Your grand illusion merits Applause Lothario!

Bravo,

King † Judas

you sent an inquiry to my heart.
anxiety rose.
i appealed your probe of my soul.
because i needed to attend to the inflection,
of the phrases that potentially could lead to the finale.
little do you see i’m like a ******,
hidden among the rooftops of the metaphysical.
i analyze every stir, shift, and statement,
this all happens at reckless readiness.
a sharpshooter protects someone or something,
i only ride shotgun for my heart.
history has validated i must.
i’m fearful if i don’t my sorrow,
will engulf my soul, if that transpired,
i would be vacant
frame,
and my book,
would be forgotten,
no one
appreciates, values or loves a fragmented
soul.

i went to sleep with him in my bed
to meet the one who wore the flower crown
slightly opening my eyes
my greatest fear you disappeared into the dark paradise.

i didn't know what to do
so i began to pinch myself
you were too good to be true
whenever i saw your face i felt alive.

i wandered into the dark paradise,
in hopes of finding you.
when you decide to leave that place,
promise me you won't forget me this time.

i hoped every word in my poems
knocked the bricks off your wall of fear
i would have held you, protected you and loved you
until my last breath.

unfortunately, your doubts overshadowed my transparency
it is not a surprise as i have become used to the exit door
when the right human does come i will have so much love to share
i wish you the best, my friend...

im not going to sit here and lie
your beautiful and gentle glow will be missed
but i know there's nothing i could do
as you have made up your mind

i will always be here
i am in love with what we had
you brought me no stress
no lonliness and no fear

love and art, 1991,
henk holveck

Repulsive and cruel,
Laying with an arm round me
An arm that is literally spitting
False phrases one moment
as though I'm the king of the jews.

god is dead.
and my entire life you
will always be a piece of
the shattered boy

the one who used to daydream
of stories only told by hopeless cries.​
problem is you cannot hear the weeping
in their words that stream out their fragile hands.

Now spitting ugly and hurtful language,
That just tears me up,
And once you step out the doorway,
The saline filled liquid starts.

I'm trying to distance myself,
But how do I manage that?
How many more lies can you narrate
while you keep my loving heart?

Do you really think I don't recognize
and your love will bring me anything?​
After all I have suffered.​
How many more painful days

I simply wanted your dreams forever
but apparently my life isn't anything
certainly unworthy of admiration,
or unconditional love.

When I met you...
I never thought you’d be here 7 days later,
Only 7 days but closer than the 7 friends I had in high school,
Showing me, embracing me, loving me.
I don’t even get those human desires from those who share the same blood as me.
Except my blood is mortally powerful, although you don’t bat an eyelash at that.
You finally make me me feel as though, my physical condition is not important to you, what I say, who I AM, is why you Are find of some as eccentric as me.
I don’t put labels or times or hopes and dreams on relationships any longer. Although I know right now, with you I am secure and accepted.
Let’s continue to ride smoothly on this undiscovered river, it may get dark sometimes, although know you never are the reason.
The reason could be the shadows along the edge of stream, or the secluded love that fills our boat.
Be ready, you never know where our hazardous but thrilling venture may lead us. But all I know is you give me more value, more consideration and more connection than any human being has in this lifetime.
I know you are lost too, as am I. I don’t care your sexuality, your gender or what you may look like, you make me feel good, and that is what we both deserve.
7days and 7 more I’ll never grow weary of you because this soul of yours is not cliched.
Take my hand as I take yours and let’s ride this unpredictable route to nowhere.

Why when I turn to you,

The final being who shows care,

Do you get angry? Why?

Little do they know I’m standing there

With a noose around my neck,

Waiting for you to tell me you love me,

To make me feel the warmth,

That I thought your heart felt for me.

But then my coffin is nailed shut,

And I again I’m left alone.

whom told you hearts are nothing but game pieces?

i know you feel alone but,

oh honey, take it from me,

this is no game.  

i have lived the nightmares left behind

i hear the footsteps every time your heart's crying

when your eyes fill my head

i want to fly away

the 7th day of july

that day cracked my spine

i hope you can find a higher goal

than how many feet the nearest

lonely man is using this app

in hopes you don't want what he has.

unfortunately you don't know anything else

yet again he will sleep alone tonight

you will go on wondering why you feel blue

you have to break before you'll see

it then is too late and you will know

that he didn't want another pretender

as you lay on your satin sheets while your breathing slows

just as before your heart stops then you will see why you felt alone

i lie in bed,

half asleep,

jolted by such sorrow,
a cryptic pain.


sadly, this pain is the most familiar,

it cannot be relieved with a
xanax, band-aid or advil.



i can't keep this in the closet,

after all,

                that is what led to the demise of you and i,

our enchantment was greater than any fairy tale,

i had ever read, seen or imagined. &

           i had background with love stories.

our crossroads was where dreams come true.



please lead me to the path where,

the nightmare ends.
i have yet to find that boulevard,

i keep on lugging my soul,

which has been crushed, mutilated and torn

to tiny ribbons of shattered love.

searching tirelessly for the boutique......



you know,

the one that warmly greeted me that,

hallowed 4th day.


it's against my nature to,

be held back by anything at all,



the following requires a beacon emitting passion, desire & all my heart;
      †- a severe oversight was made that doomful moment.
      †- a divine being would

                                     never

            mutilate matrimony amid two enamored inhabitants of his creation.
      †- if 1&   2. are false i never want to be a devotee to H.I.M.


to ü- he hoped you'd observe
the emotion he held in his loyal

framework. ü were absolutely
the jackpot to his existence,

**his breath of life.

I strive to be the best lover I can be,
Not to say I am without faults,
Forgiveness flows through my blood,
Just don't take advantage of this.

Love blinds when it is true,
Over and over again,
Various personalities, lives collide,
Every wound from the ones before vanish.

Love that dies was never there, to begin with,
One has to wonder why it begins,
You can give your heart to one, or to thousands,
Although love is just a game of luck in the end,
Losing is not for those who cannot afford to play.

please leave your judgment of me

you and i may choose separate ways

but ultimately we both will have regrets,

both will experience what it means to love

im henk holveck.

not the name given to me at birth,

why? it takes far too much innocence

and causes far too much guilt to hear such bitter words.

when you are ten and you absorb the words,

you immediately lose all your trust,

you don’t know what or who to believe,

i wish i had some more answers

i don’t blame my guardians,

as they didn’t know either

but now that im a grown androgynous mind

i feel more alone every second

i feel as though i’ve raised myself…

and by that i mean had to raise myself to manage emotions

to this day when i feel lonely im told to fold it up,

into ignorant acid soaked paper as green and painful as discharge.

everyone who still talks to me likes to ask

what happened? why did you turn out like this?

i just politely smile and tell them,

i was born to be misunderstood.

because this is my life and i’ll keep breathing till something inside tells me to leave.

my soul is fragile. it slips into impending doom at the mere though you may be awake thinking about another. while i am stuck here like a cancer that cannot escape remission, your name plays through my head, it feels as though my eyes have become the lens that took this precious photo of you.

some may think this photo is nothing but a #selfie, unbeknownst to them, my fragile graceful hands pushed a button, which sent a message to you. the message you heard was the snap of a shutter, the message i tried to send through it was; no matter what you are doing, you are ******* beautiful.

in all the art i create, i try to procure the observers attention, i want them to take in, breathe and feel all the beauty around them. whether it is a girl in her early twenties who doesn’t know she’s beautiful, to a boy who feels as though he cannot be beautiful. i hate that line. if you re-read that line, it just doesn’t feel appropriate even as the writer of that line, because society has conditioned us into a mold.

well, wake up because nature isn’t taught that, just go look at the unique patterns of melting icicles during the afternoon of a mid-winter storm.

If the time machine wasn't just wishful thinking.
I would go back to our sweet beginnings,
Spending days where it felt so natural.
Days with no animosity, no anger, jealousy or regret.


No despair, like I feel through my entire being.
I hate having to know that you're cutting me with your oblivious facade, goes left unspoken.
I'm left grieving over something that would provide us both happiness that could very well be imperishable.


Like most who have been on earth as long as ourselves, they don't know patience.
As well as don't realize or acknowledge the benefits our
elders recognized and still treat as a virtue.


It devastates my internal spirit that my nearly all the appreciated times we share are when humans vulnerable.
We lie there together, both in our own bliss.
I gracefully touch my lips to your cheek.
When you utter a non-seductive sound, I hear the sincerity in your vocal cords as they flow into my ear and drift straight to my heart.
It is only then I begin to remember why I invest in this bank with no reciprocation.


I don't demand anything from your pockets, wardrobe or any material possession. I just desire the return of love and companionship. Your presence makes my heart feel whole again, and I shower you with love.
The affection I try to give to you is forced away with your inappropriate giggles or illusionist approach.
I didn't know becoming sincere with someone who has so much significance in my life would be worse than marrying a inattentive enchanter.


I've undergone heartbreak without closure. I perceived I was safe enough to open my welded vault of three years. All caused by 14 months of disregarded tender intellect that left this heart in fragments that would never be able to become what it once was. If ever a heart is shattered into pieces, it's impossible to bond the sentimental epicenter entirely back together.
Like a mirror that an infuriated queen breaks when it reveals to her, her true disposition.


I wish my mirror wouldn't be destroyed again, because each time someone's heart is treated like a football, some pieces are always left behind.
I don't need a breadcrumb trail of glass to my grave.
However, this is life, and we don't always get what is desired.
Those who came before will find themselves desiring what they gave away, and it will lead them only to my tomb that they all played a part in building.

I wasn't always this way,
My face used to be brighter,
Somehow somewhere along these last four years,
I've began to withdraw,
Not only from people but from myself.

To be honest my emotional ailment was improving,
And you came along on a night I will never forget,
Spontaneous beginnings that's how they always arise,
You were everything I wanted,
You appeared so genuine, so gracious and amazingly tender.

Too good it was,
I was ready I spilled my heart and soul to you,
That fateful day you deceived me,
Our story is too sad for words,

Bottom line,
I thought you cared,
and everytime your name pops up,
My heart flutters for a moment hoping,
You want me again, but then, reality settles back in.
The sad truth is my heart yearns for you.......still.

my whole heart is full of bliss;
i didn’t think i’d ever fall again
but, here i am, with your arms around me
faintly mumbled words spoken by another man

the first time he was telling lies,
if i am deceived again,
then love isn’t for me…

although if you really care
than you will never have to worry about a thing
i am a fighter and now we’ll dance to the tune of our own life; together.

love and art, 1991

henk holveck

my heart is so tired
I'm losing my voice
and bleeding out

kindness is a target for evil
disheartening doesn't begin to define this ache in my chest
maybe this is how it felt when they drove the nails into Jesus's hands

the only things that keep me breathing
are full of toxins
unfortunately, there are no warning signs of toxins that provide the fix I seek.

my manifesto is to mean what I say
do what I promise
more importantly it is to love.
I've learned that love is the ultimate sacrifice.

this world needs those of us who feel deeply and communicate effectively.  
a "friend" doesn't cut ties over something petty
a lover doesn't leave you because something is alleged to be true.

as a feeler, this will make sense to you.
if you are not comprehending this or not feeling a tug in your chest, go home, lay down and think about times in your life when you felt overlooked. really go back to that moment and feel it.

when you feel it, now know that other person is feeling that because of your actions.

love & art 1991,

henk holveck

listening to you speak tonight,

made me ill,

you sounded so very different,

your tone, i could feel over the towers your love for me was never there.

i may want to die tonight but, i won’t why?

because then you’ve won. and i’m stronger than that.

i stood up to you tonight, and then shut you off.

turned off the flashlight that you ever so silently interrogated me with,

i’ll find a softer light, one that shines love through it’s glass.

this life 
and that love will always hurt
last night,

i anxiously desired to feel your skin 

once i felt you graze my back 
all the passion filled me again.

these walls you built 
are becoming increasingly aggressive

i want you 
but if this is the cost

long term it is too much
you wouldn’t understand

but i know whats wrong, 

it’s not your face 

it’s not your personality

it’s not your kind eyes

i want 
to be loved 

i was at one point 

but it left me too wrecked, unfixable.
baby you’re incredible

you should never lose 
the love you are capable of giving


i just don’t believe 

i don’t’ want to &
drugs are predictable 

i know she will never change

you see you, are unpredictable

whether you love me today 

doesnt mean you will tomorrow
i have found the love i am capable of being with

now go and find somebody who loves you

as i feel the earth crack underneath me,
i have to wonder if it's really the ground,
or is it coming from within.

i lost you there,
i remember my mother telling me,
if i get lost stay in the same spot until i am found,
i'm finding that as an adult,
this method no longer is applicable,

three years have passed,
i am now no longer able to stand here,
the further away you go,
the more frightened i become.
fear derives from ignorance,
ignorance can quickly manifest,
for me it manifested into a cloud,
not the gorgeous cloud one would hope for,
rather a acidic, foul, cloud
as if an atomic furnace stands nearby,
puffing it's smokestacks of evil, fear and hatred.
turning me into nothing but utter dust.

i must remember to be grateful,
i breathe
my heart beats              


                            some are not quite as fortunate

as i have been lucky enough
to share something with another spirit,
that some will only dream of.

"unconditional love"; a wishful thought humans enjoy, it causes us to be thankful that our soul is still inside a physical shell.

"unconditional love"; provides hope that maybe, just maybe one day you will provide the emotions
words or eternal love we all crave but cannot provide
nor receive.
it's something we deserve but can't obtain or give.

not one ******* soul on this earth deserves,
to take their final breath with a broken, pained or shattered heart,
does death save us from our soul completely shattering.


when death comes our soul leaves our body in tact.

There must be some meaning to all this,
GOD knows our soul cannot be torn even one more time.

if you take anything from this diatribe,
through a morbidly dispirited writer,

everyone i have ever emotionally invested in,
is still as strong as the day I began to to give a piece of myself to them.
& sadly i need to learn to stop investing in those that give up on me,
like a incompetent stock broker i continue to invest in relationships,
that have  no chance of revival.

Love &Art;, 1991,
Henk H.

We all want a partner to dance to the sound of love with,

Unfortunately love is not a dance that is easy to learn.

In fact it's purely a luck game,

your dealt your cards and their is no barter allowed.



I hope your the final card I hold

I'm so afraid to hold that queen of hearts down,

She will hit the table of my soul lost in a dream

Because love knows no caution, it has no  bounds.



I was in love once,

It was the secret to happiness for me,

Until bad blood began to flood our veins

And just like a infectious disease

It killed my hope, my happiness

And filled me with the detest.



I'll just do this life solo,

It's the safest route I can take,

Because I'm afraid,

Afraid my heart might turn to stone.



That would be the worst scenario,

Because rocks sink.

I want to one day swim,

And sink in into the depths of the ocean.

We met just before society began it’s well rehearsed day,

no expectations were discussed,

just pure human interaction was what we could count on,

although we continued to see each other.

somewhere between tropico nights,

and days full of communication crimes,

I began to feel something I couldn’t put a finger on it,

you shut me out as if I were just a dream.

I let it go because as they say if someone cares

they will be back. sure enough, you came back.

apparently that was enough to let my heart drop,

further, than I ever thought it could.

I truly believed in you…….my bad.

one person out of dozens I’ve met since the first

I wish I would have questioned us, questioned, you.

but love doesn’t allow itself to be hindered.

I wish I wouldn’t have allowed myself

to invest any further consideration of possibilities

the pride you hold is so absorbed

the protection tactic you use isn’t fair

especially when someone’s heart is now in your hands,

a heart is not something to be taken for granted.

it should be something held like a mother holds

her premature baby that she is unsure if it will live.

I handed over my clearly recently mended heart,

put back together with a couple pieces missing.

this wasn’t unbeknownst to you,

the lack of humility you carry you place on top of a fragile human life.

someone’s core, especially one that has already been mishandled

by those before you should never be juggled like a grenade with the loose pin,

ready to completely explode and break into just a fine dust.

the clarity through action has made it clear I can’t leave the one part that keeps me breathing to such careless hands.

I just would love if you would let down your half-witted sense of protection.

Like myself, you will learn that it only works so long.

Those who do end alone, because all the companionship graciously given won’t be there. Due to your tall walls surrounding your screaming heart.

I have a plenty of love overflowing inside me, that you knocked out of my hands when presented to you. Scoffed at experiences that mortified to me to points most can’t even fathom. And disrespected someone that respected, and ultimately chose you.

Please be kind to the next, I know that this act won’t last for long if you continue to prey on those weaker than thyself. Granted, we know you attack those stronger, so feelings inside of inadequacy don’t surface.

but, just know if I disappear one day, I genuinely loved you and never want you to forget that, because I know I won’t.

Love & Art, 1991,

Henk Holveck

Floral curtains drape the single square of natural light,

within the four walls of which,

you are a silent lawful inhabitant.

You feel muted,

as though your mouth has been duct taped,

by all those more favored than you.

It feels like this deficiency of consideration,

will be never ending, and it just might.

It’s okay though, you will make it through,

this indignation is nothing you haven’t struggled with.

If you told me it would have come to this times ago,

I would have laughed in your face,

you lusted after freedom, you craved it.

You now are living it, be careful what you wish for,

you may end up living in the vacant space,

in which you designed, built and will now prosper in.

I think about you at every moment the clock ticks,

you are and forever will be my budding angel.

3 weeks later….

Well, look at that things did get better momentarily,

You met a few simple studs,

they fulfilled your impulsivity,

but ask yourself, is that what you wanted?

For some reason your behavior persists,

but there’s those moments in life,

a stranger presents themselves.

You go into it with the same mindset,

they change you, they make you believe that…..

maybe….just maybe they won’t leave you.

They won’t crush your heart, or just want to ****.

And then you find you were wrong.

Just another sham man.

And then……

the cycle resumes.

and                   you are again…………………broken.

hushed weeping ignored every time we scroll through our feeds.

broken souls lay in despair debating whether to keep breathing.

cries for help are screaming through tweets, photos, and posts.

only to go ignored, or sometimes even mocked.


for those fortunate enough to be pretty or extroverted
while you are surrounded by whom you call "friends."
taking pictures with these cute faces who will go home
only to talk about how ugly what you were wearing was.

for those who were alone over the holidays.

know this, you are not the only human alone.

the last three birthdays, Christmases, and NYE celebrations

have been solitary for me. it hurts. i cry. dark thoughts cloud me

there isn't anything anyone can say to make the feelings go.

extreme loneliness is when you don't desire to be alone.

don't let their smiles break your heart more.
don't allow the facade of their "friend's" fool you.
anyone can gather people and take an Instagram pic.
i want you to stay healthy, those people will be alone too.

if nothing else, i am always available to listen.

for i am part of the forgotten ones.

don't let that big heart that is breaking self-destruct.

Appreciative I can still take heed your voice,
The voice that once sounded out,
“I’ll love you till the last one dies.”
Two days later my heart split in two,
You entrusted me with handcuffs, and a broken soul,
Although I don’t know where you are, I hope you’re near not far.
Merely a thought of you near me brings me comfort,
I don’t want to fall in love once more.
You were my life and I have decided to let myself run.
I hope my blue eyes haunt you,
I Never wanted to write that down,
I truly hope you are happy wherever you are.
I love you still and always will.

Remember the nights we would observe the fireworks overhead?
Days when things were… Happy
The day I lost you, I replaced you with something I could manipulate.
Something that wouldn’t pass on me,
Sure substances don’t write me
songs on valentine’s Day,
But they reject the pain that I feel regarding February 14, October 4 every year when that day comes,
I wish I could turn back the time.

I am finished with God,
So finished with life,
slowly dying,
How could I let lost love
Literally **** me.
Only I am.

None of this is your fault lover,
You built me a castle of love,
Showed me what that felt like,
One I will never forget.

H.h.

my heart,
i've trained it, you taught me how,
a heart that doesn't love, cannot break.

i'm content this way,
the sickest part of this,
i have never and could never ***** a foul phrase about you,

when i stepped up into your vehicle that night,
i didn't know I was looking death in the eyes,
the next months would be the greatest of my vitality.
i wish i would have cherished them more than i did.

i'm saddened you blinded me with love,
when in reality you played the angel of death,
carrying me to my definitive grave.

i hope he makes you feel the love i couldn't,
but, i will shout on the hillside til i crumble,
you gifted me the love i desired.
even if that means i die young,
i understand what most will never.

if i could i'd cut the loyalty straight out of my chest,
because I know my love for you isn't going anywhere
**** time, pills or people who try to pull it out of me,
you've buried me emotionally, when i physically leave,
i have one last plea,
wake me when you come to heaven.
for that's the only desire that