Who am I?
What have I done?
I don't understand this skin I'm in.
The arms and legs are scarred with varying straight lines.
The torso is wide and the knees wobble when I walk.
The feet turn in and it hurts to correct.
The thighs are to big to even fit.

Who am I?
What's been happening?
I don't understand this body I'm in.
It's always sick and the skin rips too easily.
The fingernails grow way to quickly and the eyes are too big.
The freckles are uneven and there are to many pimples to count.

Who am I?
Where have I been?
I don't understand this heart and mind I'm in.
There are dark corners and shallow hallways.
Doors stay shut and I'm rather afraid.
There's an air of sadness and anxiety now,
And I don't know why I suddenly feel so alone.
There are cracks in the wall and the foundation always quivers,
Its as if it's made of glass and paper.

This body I now occupy has obviously seen rough times
This skin has obviously been cut way to many times
And this mind and heart has been shattered and put together to many times and it's missing pieces.
But I know there is a soul somewhere inside here
Trapped in a paper wall and to malnurished to move.
So until she can be found I'll nurish her mind and heart with poetry and books so she can grow big and strong.
Maybe someday she'll be strong enough to break the wall and take her place.
Back at the thrown in the heart.
Shell finally be while again.

I've finally come to terms with our parting.
It was sad and emotionally scarring.
But I've finally been able to move you out of my head.
So I can, finally, be at peace in his bed.

It's okay, really it is.

How can I expect you to save the little girl I am?

I can't expect you to drop everything for me.
My life's not that big of a travesty.

Why does she sit with tears in her eyes, when the only thing she can think of to cry about is that the person she wants, and they are not good for her?

Oh but she is a beautiful girl addicted to some really ugly things.
That cigarette smoke is running through her veins, that alcohol trip is inside her brain, her heart can't race and she can't keep up with your pace.

She'll slow a while and contemplate how her life has become such ruin.

And I bet you'll sit there wondering how crazy she is, and how she got there.
But the truth is, she isnt,
Because she's just a perfectly flawed human.

Once I show you the scars on my wrists,
Can I trust you with the wounds on my heart?
Once you see who I was,
Can you handle the person I will become?
Once you hold me in your arms,
Can you ever bare lay a hand on me?
Once you hear me cry,
Could you bare to be the reason for my tears?
Once you see me broken,
Could you piece me back together?

If you ever decide its time to leave me alone
Please take my hearts pieces when you go
Ill bury myself in brimstone and fire
Hopeing one day you'll return my desire.

I once had a small purple vase.
It was almost a year old.
But I remembered how my ex and I blundered
And all of his things had to go.

I gave away his sweatshirt
His shorts and shirts got burned
And the teddy bear he gave me
Was torn apart by the people who mean most to me.

He gave me a purple vase.
It was wrapped pretty in a bow
Once it had living flowers
But now I had to let it go

I went outside with my true family
And recorded my final blow
Of shattering the vase
On the ground below

I felt the ricochet
Of a piece run astray
And my baby exclamed to me
That I cut myself indeed

And thats when I realized
How my last relationship was really through
Because if I cut my head with the other one
He wouldn't have held my hand to help me
He would have let me do it on my own
And not even checked on me
I know this for sure
Because it happened once before

I feel free now for sure
That all his things are out my home
And once I see my baby's things replace them
It becomes the final bow

For once I see no remnance of him
I think I'll truely feel clean
Once my forehead heals
And memories repress
I'll finally be able
To fully put him to rest

Day 1: I want to tear my skin off. My heart is beating so fast i can barley breathe. I feel so filthy.
Day 2: I can't believe this. I don't want to be here. Why did this happen? Why did I let this happen?
Day 5: I guess I drank too much and my friends were to drunk to stop me.
Day 10: I can't face my friends, I can't live my life.
Week 3: No one knows. He hasn't said a word.
Week 6: It happened again, I was sleeping and he did it again. Why did I stay the night? Why didn't I go straight home?
Week 7: He left and kissed me goodbye. I don't know how to feel.
Week 10: My life's out of control, I can't believe whats happening.
Month 5: My boyfriend knows. But not all details. Just thinking about it, makes me want to take a shower.
Month 8: I finally came clean to my friends. They're appalled. They hate him now. I still feel filthy. I can't get his smell off my body still.
Month 11: The anniversary is soon. What am I going to do?
Year 1: I haven't spoken to him in months. I haven't thought about it in days. I still feel as if hes on top of me, why can't I wash him away?

Its an uphill battle with myself and others. Some days I can't get out of bed or even feel like breathing.
But I try not to let him get to me. Because if he sees my weakness from what hes done,
He's won.

Cry a river and
No-one will ever bother
To swim in its depth.

You made it hard to miss you.
And I mean that, you've burried your way into my soul and rotted it from the inside.
You drove me into my endless packs of cigarettes and the countless bottles of tequila.
And with every late night in a different bed, I would drink until I couldn't walk.
I'd guzzle the Jack Daniels.
I'd push the Bacardi down my throat.
I'd infuse the ***** with my brain.
I'd drip the Jose Cuervo into my veins.
Anything, just to feel that warmth in my cheeks again, because you took it all away.
You took my innocence, and I'm not the kind of girl who was all that innocent in the first place,
But I gave you every inch of my body and you threw me aside like trash.
Begging me to **** like I was a ******* that just clocked out of work.
I know with all my heart I hate you.
But why did you give me enough good times
To where I'd miss you?

I have always hoped that you wouldnt get close enough
To catch the sharp ends of my personality
But with each slice to your ego
And every tear to your flesh
You seemed to tear me too
And when we got close enough
To inspect each others wounds
I looked into your eyes and saw my whole life flash
And I retracted my claws and hugged you tight
I never wanna let go

what if you wanted to be that girl for once?
the one with the cute engagement photos and beautiful ring
what if you wanted it all
but wont let yourself admit it

I catch myself from time to time
Not thinking about how bad you hurt me
But how well he treats me
And I think it's a pretty great improvement
From howling your name at 4am
Trying to not wake my roommates.

I feel as if I'm becoming a *****.
As if my body is no longer the temple feminists and my mother claim it to be.
I just feel my body isn't my own.

I meet men every day.
Once I searched but now I let them find me.
It's not like they sit long enough to hear my words.
To hear how educated I am and how I'm pretty cool to be around.
Nah, all they want is my womanhood
And I, being weak for words and a pretty face,
Let them have it.

"That ***. ****, that ***."
Is that my redeeming factor?
"Those eyes, ****"
Is that the only thing about me, clothed, that interests you?
"****, them moves"
Boy if how I work in the bedroom is all you seek I need you to keep moving.

Because I'm sick of being the ***** of my friends

I had a conversation not long ago that most of my male friends wanna "hit that hard"
I gotta say, for a second I was flattered.
After being called ugly since I was young, being wanted in any way is flattering to me
Call me pretty and I'm yours.
Call me **** and I'll show you.

****
Reading my own words have instilled in me a will to stop but
The fact is that I won't
This destruction of my psychosis is simply the beginning, and certainly unbecoming
Of a girl like me,
I'd call myself a woman but that would disgrace the ones who work hard and love harder.

Nah, I'm done sneaking out of my house to hit it and quit it.
I'm done lurking in shadows for love.
The simple fact is that I don't know where this derailed train of self destruction will lead me but I have my one way ticket
Might as well find out, right?

She looks down at her body
And closes her blue eyes
It takes all of her self-control
To not start crying
Because as these girls are proclaiming
How proud they are to be skinny
The only thing she can think is
“I’m trying to be okay with myself.”
Because as she looks at her toes,
She sees her *******
And her stomach
And her feet
She thinks she’s so fat
Or so ugly
But so do caterpillars
Before they realize their potential
For butterflies

I'll lay my soul on your tombstone

Sorry I missed the funeral darling but
I couldn't quite handle seeing you so bare in your casket

A sight so painful like the cuts I made on my wrists

Those pearls gracing your neck still pale in comparison to your beauty

Now that you're gone there's not much else to say
My days are a little more grey as every thought if you turns my head

Maybe you'll walk through the door undead
Killing my eyes with that bright laugh and smile
But it's alright I guess

I'll keep your memory just below my surface
Living in your memory using all my favorite vices

I smoke those herbs to numb it all
Bowls after bowls token up like Thomas the engine
Trying to get as high as possible to laugh so hard my tears stop being from sadness and start being from joy

I drink this patrone to forget it all
Feeling the burn of my favorite whiskey hitting my throat and slurring words a bit
Speaking so vague not even I know what I'm saying.

But it doesn't help

You're overloading my system every once in a while
With those eyes as pale blue as the sky on the last day we met

Never opening again, **** that hurts my soul

My dear it may have been four short years but
It all feels like yesterday I got that phone call

Telling me you're fighting for your breath
Telling me you might not make it
Telling me it's a time for prayer
Telling me you've been killed

But here's the deal
I've never been the spiritual type
The first thought that comes to mind when I go in road trips isn't to pray for safety
And I'm not sure why

Maybe because I prayed more in my life in the two hours between those phone calls telling me you've been hit, and when you died

Maybe because when I needed Him the most he didn't come to my rescue like everyone said he would

When I was staring at white walls and florescent bulbs waiting for the next meal
I would reject because I wanted to be hanging from a rope and noone should try to stop me

When I prayed to Him about wanting to take my own life he turned his back on me
It was as if it was meant to be

But then I sat staring at four white walls lying on a bed of nails contemplating how I made it there

Then I think about you
21 was to young to be murdered.
16 was to young to contemplate suicide.

I guess my point has been lost in traslation

But just to bring this to a close it's that your departure did more than **** you
It killed my faith
It killed my self worth
It killed me

But maybe it happened to bring me here.

You know I always have to put this positive twist here somewhere

I've settled in the university of my dreams with friends I couldn't have thought better of myself.

I've started blossoming In my poetry
Spittin these words straight from my notepad where four years ago noone would be able to stare at me this long without my anxiety destroying me inside and out

My dear, if you were still here
I don't know where I'd be today
Maybe I would have found some different passion
But I think I'm happier where I am
Then where I would have been
Had you never been taken from me

If you gave me a moment

I'd squander it

Telling you how awful I am

I've always wondered what it would be like
To go to sleep without the heavy weight of unwritten words on my tongue

My body is not my own.
My body belongs to my mother.
Because every time I got a new tattoo I would ask if she likes it.
And if course, she would say no
And I would be upset because I actually liked it.
But now I have snakebites.
Two small holes below my lower lip
And I'm absolutely terrified
Of her finding out.

Don't you worry about me, my darling.
My mental health can wait.
The worst thing I can do in this state,
Is sit and contemplate how I've royally ******* you over in life.

I'm sorry I was such an awful person.
I've tried to grow and stretch my reasoning,
But as far as I can tell I can't shake who I am.

I'm sorry, I wish it would have worked out.
I wish friendship was an option, but
It seems none of your family want me around so,
I'll just pack up my things and go.

Don't worry I'll leave you alone.
I'll leave my key back under the mat at your door step.
Don't worry about changing the locks, I've deleted your address from my GPS.

But I don't think I'll be able to ever forget where your mother lived,
Or the layout of your home.
I don't think I'll be able to reminisce,
Without tasting your blood on my lips.

I guess it goes to show you can't just keep people in your life that don't want to stay.
You can't keep handing them your heart
Over and over again.
When you're broken and can't repare,
That's how you stay broken, right there.

You'll bleed on the floor and cry their name,
They hold the piece to save you from your pain.
But they threw it down when your back was turned and walked away.

I guess that's what you get,
For trying to sing a desperately, happy tune in the rain.

I feel as if my poetry isn't mine anymore.
Every other stanza I spit out reminds me of the one that broke me, or glorifies the one who found me but,
Im still at a loss of how to find myself between the small spaces in my pages.
I can never keep my head ******* on straight enough to stop worrrying about one or the other
I can't just keep focused on my goal, there has to be something else, something bigger, waiting to be messed with when I get home.
Some kind of sectioned off drama or project to occupy my terrified mind and strangled heart.
But my projects either don't last long enough for me to find a new one
Or last too long and I simply get bored and throw it away.
See, that's why I can't have nice things.
Because either I'm to fragile to take care of the broken or too bulletproof to be sympathetic
And I can't help but smoke cigarette after cigarette wondering what would come next.
Which project will help me slip between the cracks again?
Which one can be the most self destructive without activly hurting myself or others?
I guess that too, has been lost in the spaces.

Darling I'm not the same as I was back then,
I thought comets and stars were things in the sky
Until I looked around one day to find
That they're in as many people
As they are in my mind

No one is really ever the same, you see
Everything changes you and me
Every thought and action we do will lead
Into another alternate reality.

What if we turned left instead of right that one day?
Would we have met with early demise?
Or would we have gotten that job we had hoped to find?

See these are the things that are constantly on my mind
For I can't help but contemplate how the stars align
To bring us closer together or further apart
Or weather or not you see someone's true heart.

I guess it's a difficult concept for some to grasp
I mean even I am having a momentary lapse of reason

I guess that's just part of being human
Thinking about what's bigger about us
Or what could bring our downfall

So many of us just sit and contemplate what it means to be in this body
And the longer we think about it the more uncomfortable we become with ourselves

Because with how our world works if you're not a size zero through nine you're not worth the time of the males searching for mates.

Or if the muscles in your stomach don't look like a six-pack then you're not a very good looking male in the first place.

But if you sit and think about how to make this world crumble
You'll see how everyone thinks they're nothing.
But if you tell a girl or guy they're made of stardust and clear skies
They'll laugh and call you a dreamer.

Maybe I am,
Or maybe that's what poets are
Dreamers who think the world is pretty terrible
So they string lines together to create a scenario to help others see the bigger picture

That everyone is made from stardust.
That everyone is beautiful.

The raindrops on my windowpane
Were the tears I used to cry for you.

The raindrops on the sidewalk
Fell as violently as our romance did.

The raindrops on your face
Masked the tears falling from your eyes.

The thunderclaps disguised my screams.

The lightning illuminated my way
Out of the darkness you put over me.

Eventually, I'll be able to process what happened to us.
But until that time comes I'll keep crying.
And I'll keep coping.
And I'll keep screaming.
And wishing you never touched me.

Because you were the worst rainstorm I could have imagined.
Why you chose me to destroy, I don't know.
I guess,
Like during Katrina
My walls weren't enough to keep the water away.

And now I'm stuck with the damages.
Because you were the human version of Katrina
And I was New Orleans

I feel like falling apart.
As if the paint was peeling off the walls and showing me my true reality.
I dont know what else to do
This existentially crippling feeling makes me want to ***** the lunch i never ate
Wanting to grab a shotgun and point it to my brain
Maybe then, ill end the pain

Just hold on baby girl
Your time will come soon
When you will enter Summerland
With those who truly love you
You'll frolic amongst the flowers and dance with in the rain
And that is when you'll see
You'll be whole again

My poetry stopped being beautiful when you left me
It became a cold reminder of what used to be
Everything turned black and grey and everything bright withered.

And suddenly the colors started to bleed back into the frames of my mind when you showed up and I didnt know why

But the simple fact is that you put the sun in my sky and the moon in my night.

She never thought she'd see sunrise

Once
You spoke of our souls living out their days in the garden of Eden.
Yet you were the one who bit into the forbidden fruit
Condeming me as you have been,
Being tempted by the devil you have killed me
Taking that discarded bone that was my life and driving it though my pale and aguished heart.

Have I confused you with my bible references?
Let me clear it up for you

You were my everything and yet you harmed me
I forgave you because I loved you and therefore made excuses for you
But once my excuses started falling upon the deaf and dead
I felt it right to leave your chambers for more than just one night

I heard the words of a spoken word poet and fell in love
And the more I wrote like she, the more I realized what you did to me

I realized that your words were cold and your fists were hard
The grabbing of my side was a mear warning I did not listen to.
Unintentionally, I was right in saying you would be the death of me,
But I certainly said it in the wrong context.

You were my abuser.
You gave me chocolates and flowers and teddy bears to keep me happy and smiling
To keep me unaware of your manipulation and beatings of words to my skull

You may not have hit me,
But You might as well have
Because emotional and verbal violence, is abuse as well

Now let's contemplate.
Almost two years I put up with you but it was maybe a year that you had acted strangely.

Yet I stayed
Because of you put a frog into boiling water it will jump out
Yet if you put a frog in warm water and slowly turn up the heat,
It will stay until it dies.

That was our. And every other abusive relationship darling.
You were kind and caring and loved me much
I trusted you and that was my end
For I'm sure if I stayed like I wanted to,
Id be the frog in boiling water

But I'm not,
I'm a survivor
I'm a free woman
I'll always remember you, trust me I will
I'll remember a monster and then my friend
Because your last words to me left lasting impressions
"You were wrong to leave me"
No, darling
I was wrong in not leaving sooner.

Nothing can be as deep
As a talk over a cigarette
And cup of coffee.

You tattoo'd your thoughts onto your skin for me.
It never took much for you to give in.
For every question I asked of you, you gave me an answer.

From how your heart broke to how it was mended
From your one-night stands to your forever departed
You let me see all of you, from the second we said "I love you"

My thoughts are locked behind a fortified cement wall.
But someway, somehow, all you have to do is ask.
My heart has never been so fragile
Nor has it been so protected.

This is for you, baby.
You're my ride or die.
My 0 to 100.
You're the only one I trust enough
To read every one of my tattoo'd thoughts.

I waited for you to teach me everything you knew
But you kept me sheltered and lonely
Well he's got me thinking and answering questions
As if there's a test I need to pass and he wants me to succeed
It makes me think you never really cared
For me to learn all about you.

Im more terrified of falling in love with you,
Than i would be if i was jumping off a building.
Im always sick and always tired.
I never have time to be around.
How could you come to stay in love with a nomad like me?

The ones who give us the most trouble
And stick through all your *******
Just might be the one who will call you their queen one day
And your daughter their princess

There's this boy
Who I never knew his name
I used to be a ***** to him but,
He'd just laugh it all away

There's this boy
And he came with my friend to my home one day
He made me laugh,
Made me want him to stay

There's this boy
And we did intimate things
He said he felt a connection
My heart was in his strings

There's this boy
And one day
He said he needed me
That's when I said I'd stay

There's this boy
And he's pretty cute, you see
He's got a fighters heart
And eyes as soft as seas.

There's this boy
I never knew his name
But now I do
And I hope he stays.

Once i knew a girl who would smile about the smallest things
Now she frowns and looks away
Thinking to herself "i have to much to do today"
For shes not alive in the city she loves
And shes torn between what her heart wants
And what her brain tells her

What would you do if I said I missed you?
Would you laugh?
Cry?
Scream at me?
I wouldn't be surprised, honestly.
Nor would I blame you.
Because of all the people in the world, the world's biggest train wreck chose YOUR heart to shatter.
Not once.
Not twice.
Not even three times.
But four.
Over and over again.
If you wonder how someone could do that to someone, it's not because I wanted to.
It's not that I was waiting for you to fall in love with me for me to destroy you in a different way every time.
It's that even if I give my heart a thousand chances, it'll break itself a thousand times.
It's that I was and am confused by my mind enough to hurt those around me and for that I am sorry.
I don't think I could apologize enough for you to believe me for a fifth time,
because darling I'm the girl who cried wolf and I always will be.
I may want something but *******
I'm too scared to follow through with anything and I see that now.
Not saying I didn't see it before but oh god do I see it now.

And with my monologue complete for now I bid you farewell.
And I apologize that I'm such a train wreck.

Never did I think I'd be the girl for you.
From my odd blonde curls to the wiggle of my nose,
Never did I believe I could be loved so deeply.
And from your beautiful green eyes and deep brown hair
I love you even more when you just stare
At me so deeply I can feel you looking into my soul
I can't keep things from you,
When you look I cant control
My lips from smiling or my heart from singing
My dear I'll love you
Until I take my final breath

I haven't experienced true love, but I'm a fluent speaker of the tainted.
The kind of love where no matter what they throw at you you're still there because you have no place else to be.
The kind that my daddy taught me.
That if you love a woman then you harm her and her children.
See, I've never experienced true love,
And because I was raised in a home without it, I'm at a loss of how to find it.
I don't know how to go about finding the love I want: the kind of love where we can just talk about nothing for hours.
But I certainly know how to attract the poisoned love that my father injected into my veins.
I know how to find the abusers.
The detached.
The lonely.
And no matter what I say I can't fix them.
And I don't want to anymore
Because I'm standing in my meadow waiting for a prince who probably won't come,
Or rather,
I'm waiting on the peasent to prove to me I don't need the knight or the prince at all
Just that I need to drain the toxins from my mind and heart and find it in me to love the one who offers me nothing
But yet brings me everything,
In return for one thing:
Me

We thought he'd never see sunrise,
Now sunrise is all he sees.
Up in heaven with our other passed loved ones,
He's smiling cheek to cheek.

With the angels singing hymns,
And he glancing down,
I'm sure he wants to say:
*"It's alright, I'm okay now."

I am words written on blank paper,
The words are there but no-one can see them until they are spoken.
The girl in the back of the classroom, unnoticed
Until she can open her mouth wide enough to sing with the chorus.

I am the one they call afraid
When Destiny knocks at my door
I can't find the words to even begin to say
I'm just not yet ready
But once I am, my God, I'm unstopable.

Never have I ever been kissed by death.
Time to take a shot
Because my biggest adventure
Is when I flirt with my untimely demise.

She never was the same
After they took her liquer away

Once upon a time, you called me beautiful
You called me your everything
called me the one.
but now, after all we've been through, what do you call me?
Idiot? *****? ****?

Go on, say it then.
Tell me what's on your mind for I can't see it.
you won't let me see it anymore.
and yet you blame me, but my dear I was handing you back your heart and you slapped it from my hand
Then you say I never loved you
but your wrong.
I did love you, once

I loved you when you were my protector
when all I needed was to speak your name because I was a frail child who didn't know how to run away or disappear completely
  I love you when you were kind
when you stood behind me with your hands on my waist laughing with your friends.

I didn't love you when you yelled at me over frivolous subjects.
I didn't love you when you were so paranoid I would leave you that I couldn't let my phone for for fear of you being angry.

now that we're said and done I can see how you affected me
because I don't journal like normal girls
I journal within my poetry.
and without you by my side I can see what kind of poet I truly am

Im a heartbreak poet.
im a crisis poet
Buut most of all
I'm a happenstance poet.

I take what I see and barely twist it for my creations.
and after all we've been through

After nine years of being there for me and not receiving credit
see why you were my protector.
because if you weren't there to teach me these things
never would have become the poet I am.

I can't begin to tell you how many times before closing my eyes
That I have asked the darkness
"WHY HAS MY HEART NOT STOPPED BEATING?"
The truth is that I have become a beacon for some, and a mother to most
Though I want nothing more than to slit my own throat

I can't say I want to die
But I can't say I want to live either

As I lay in a room with no windows
I have to contemplate the meanings of my own writings
Why do I throw my emotions here, to live in a heap?
A girl who cried wolf would be better to compete

In a world so lost
I can never be found
I guess my only option left
Is to be put
In the ground.

Once upon a time there was a girl.
She wasn't preppy or outgoing
Rather, she was depressed
She would sit on her room and cry for random periods of time
All just waiting for people to bust through her door to help her smile
But she knows deep down she has to learn
She has to learn to help herself
To let herself smile even when she's sad
She has to learn that she needs to find techniques that help and soothe.
But until then she'll keep looking for new hiding places to cry
And she'll wonder how she can lift herself from the mud
Without help of those around her

When you told me I didn't love you
I simply thought how would you know
For I remembered the spaces between your fingers
And the crease between your eyes
How dare you tell me
I never thought of you as mine.

If you're still there,
Watching me from afar
You watched as I danced with my devils again.
You saw how I have finally
Let them win