Back at it again
Knife in hand
But it's not the blood I want
It's the pain
The pain just makes it all go away
It's distracting
It's grounding
It makes me feel like I can control
what's around me;
what's happened to me

What's happened to me?

I don't really care about my past
I just know I don't want a future
The present is such an impossible inbetween
And I'm stuck

This isn't what I want
This isn't what others want for me
But their expectations
Their glances
I just want to go unnoticed
In the dark and in the quiet
Unloved and unwanted
Trigger warning.  I'm so sorry:/
i'm stuck in a constant loop.
i'll be feeling good and holding friendships
together and the sun would be constantly
shining on my face.
and then something would happen.
it may not even be a big something. just a word
or a remark at the wrong place and the wrong time
and i snap.
the sun is no longer warming my face. i isolate
myself from those i care about and the feeling
of warmth in my chest suddenly turns to stone.

i've busted the skin on my thighs now.
i'm back to square one.

nothing that i've been told helps, does what
it's supposed to do.
counter methods never work and now
i've restarted the loop with torn thighs
and the feeling of stone in my chest.
frogspawn Mar 11
(TW for gore, sexual abuse, incest)

i dreamt she
deepthroated a knife
mouth settling around the blade,
lips split,
two tongued succubus.

tip of the knife
dragged round and round
her plump, sweet thighs
carving fishnets in flesh.

are not a father.

a father shouldn’t
want to ram his
insatiable cock
into his


fish on deck
choking on air
spluttering, scales fluttering,
entwined in honeycomb plastic.
this was very difficult but ultimately very satisfying for me to write. my ex's father was an abusive cheater who expressed interest in her, and she'd occasionally tell me about her nightmares or experiences. it really affected me, as someone with a very stable and loving family background. i was really scared, and confused, and most of all disgusted. i remember once i leaned over a toilet at 3 am and wanted to gag so bad. abusive parents can burn in hell. when your child has to recover from their childhood, youve failed miserably at being a parent and a decent human being.
if you have abusive parents, my heart goes out to you. if you have been sexually assaulted, my heart goes out to you. stay strong i love you.
also, fishnets as in the stocking things are supposed to represent sexualization and in the last stanza theres a ref to a fish being trapped in a net (a fish net...!)
deery Mar 2
you will never know your toothbrush is a choking hazard
and that i still do things i said i stopped.
im sorry that you aren't let in my body
and that i won't let you crawl in me
and wear my skin
but you couldn't make it past my uvula
without me choking up self hatred.
so please to help yourself
let go
because im growing and shrinking
and my numbers will add up
and i will count down
until i hang from the peak of false confidence
with nothing left behind
but these notes
but these love letters to death himself.
something inside me has died dear friend and im ready to join it.
Cat Otherwise Feb 19
to me
I demand only
what you’d never give
why resist when
they’ll never
from the aggressor to the victim
Kai Feb 7
please stop

i said

and his reply was

if you leave, i'll kill myself


you're a whore


you never said no


there are knives in the kitchen


if you leave, ill kill you

i left
and he's staying alive to haunt me
Marina Jan 24
my life is somewhat, confusing
i had many options but many bad encounters of people;
my 31 year old sister was abusing me for the past 3-4 years,
i was severely depressed and held many scars
from my legs to my arms.
"hurt people, hurt people"
they always say
i knew she was hurt i just never put a finger on her
until recently i felt very unsafe,
i gave her an eye the size on an orange with the colors of a bloody purple

days later she lied her heart away about my family, as if that's all she knew.
i was starving physically and emotionally
i wanted to feel loved and wanted
because i wasn't wanted when she was there.
i was put away at a establishment back in those 'safe' places,
and when i got home and she was at her own lifestyle somewhere
i felt happiness and at ease.
i please to god that i wont ever have to see her again..
was not easy to talk about. that's way i was gone for a long time..xx
Autumn Jan 15
Strike the lighter-
It only burns a bit.
Get the needle-
Press it to your skin.
Tell yourself-
"Never again."
But you always give in.
Porcelain skin.
White as snow.
Wounds that easily show.
Polluted skin.
Littered in shame.
Riddled in pain.
Cover it up.
Conceal the hurt.
Don't sit and suffer. Get help.
Terra Marie Jan 12
Run toward the light
Deny it’s fading.
Almost grab it, but just miss
It goes down, First to red
Away to purple and blue like the
Circles under my eyes that show how little sleep I’ve gotten
Fade to a lengthy black and it’s
Called night.

In my mind, night symbolizes bad things
Dead as night,
Things go bump in the night,
Missing each other like ships in the night,
Thieves in the night,
“A one-night stand?”
Lady of the night,
“Oh my God! How can you sleep at night?”

It is universally known that monsters come out at night
They lurk in the closets of kids everywhere
But closet monsters with their reaching claws, twelve eyes, four arms,
And purple fur aren’t as scary as you.
In the dark corner of my room by the lamp that was my mom’s
When she was growing up
Did you put your hands on her, too?

I look up and
Coming towards me
a gangrene riddled zombie
Arms outstretched, a child whining for candy
Hot mouth on my skin, saliva in my face
Tongue like tentacles wrapping around me and
I fall into that dark, unfeeling place

Night is when bad things happen to good people
When too-young children lose their too-young innocence,
I try to explain to my mom the things you did
Why I’m chasing light
She says I’m lying because you’re her father
She knows you, and you wouldn’t do that to her
I tell her it was night-time she says,
“Maybe it was too dark to see who it was.”

“It wasn’t, mom!” I scream.
Hot pokers in the form of hot tears sear my red cheeks
When she turns away from me

It was dark, that night
But not so dark that I didn’t know you that night,
That night when you took me and crushed me
And I didn’t have a choice.

But it was you.

A gangrene zombie hiding in dark corners of my bedroom.
Poem for an abused friend of mine.  You can overcome anything, R.  You're amazing.
Your presence is comforting,
but I can't help but feel guilty,
when my mind destroys a moment between us
to flashback to memories of him.

He's been gone for so long,
I don't even think of him.
Yet, the wrong stroke or too long without a breath,
and I am trembling, shaking, crying.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

And immediately you do.
You're nothing like the ones before,
so why do their ghosts remain?
My body is haunted by their ethereal touch.

Your light kisses remove the cobwebs from my soul;
your hands stroking my back as you murmur calming words removes their stolen claims to my body.

I look into your eyes when I finish crying, I tell you I'm sorry,
but there's no need.

You see me when nobody else can.

You stay when nobody else would.

You saved me from demons I did not know exist.

What else is there to say but thank you?
This poem deals with rape  & sexual assault. Every so often, I get flashbacks out of nowhere. Panic attacks during sex. I hate it, but my love pulls me back to where I need to be & for that I am eternally grateful.
Next page