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Cat Mar 25
I want to die
But I can not right now
It’s scary and forever
But it is sounding so nice
Right now

It’s overwhelming and
I feel frustration
On a daily rotation
I cry and complain

You're always there for me
I feel like I am emotionally
Draining to you my dear
I want to not feel this way
But everything feels not ok

Please take away this feeling
Because I feel way too much
It is like I am always overfilling
Emotions always cloud my day
I get stressed and I can not focus
On really anything or anyone that matters

I feel selfish and annoying and rude
I can not help it and I am sorry
I feel useless and I want out
I want to not exist but also have a happy
oh so happy life.
Please fix me, please save me,
I’m so scared without you.
i started this poem
when i was
nearly 23
i'm 24 now
almost 25
but i still feel
like a child.

19
trying drugs,
loving the man
who would **** me.
and i'd forgive him
take him back into my arms
let him touch me anywhere
just to feel something.
afterward
he smokes
and smokes
and smokes
apologizing
through a haze
of drugs and
shame. he spoke
useless fragile
words and i drank
them up eagerly.
they tasted like
whiskey,
valerian,
and ice.

when i'm 20
i find a therapist.
no more drugs;
still loving him.
i slide a new slate
across the kitchen
table just for him.
but it's cracking
as his fingers
pick it up,
shattering in
place. he moves
from stone
to skin. rips
and tears
until i'm
finally
split
too.

21
still in therapy,
i tell him
it's okay
that he
cheated
because
it was
all
about
the drugs:
not me.
but when i
tell him how
much it hurts
he says
maybe you
should work on that
in therapy.
i lean into
his side
but being
near him
never quite
feels the
same and
i ache for
comforting
sin.

i'm 22 when i find out
that being pressured
into *** after
saying no twice
isn't consensual
and he's not
round anymore
but at night
i hold my breath
terrified that he'll
appear. in my
dreams there
are flash
backs lying
in wait, even
though i've
begged for
some dream
less sleep.

when i'm 23
my third or fourth
therapist
tells me
she's sorry that
i had to go through
it all. and she listens
as i fade away and keeps
listening until i
can feel the earth
at my feet
once more.
she's a good
sort. i'm sad
when she
moves.

24 creeps
upon me
like a scratchy
sweater. i want to
shrug it off of my
shoulders, but it's
too cold. i'm no
longer the things
that happened
to me in that
darkening room,
and at twilight
most nights
i no longer find
myself thinking of
him.

i feel so old.
my bones always
hurt, the cat's food
is so expensive, and
i always have chicken
in the freezer. but
i can't bring myself
to eat. the medications
keep the ache at bay
but i feel it waiting.
at least my cat always
purrs when i feed him.
makes me feel
a little
loved.

my chance to grow
got pushed back a
few years
and i probably grew
anyways, unknowingly
pushing back against
invisible walls waiting
for one to finally give.

i hate that i'm here
trapped in adolescence
i hate that i'm still
writing about him
about what happened
and how much it still
hurts me.

maybe when i'm 25
i'll try to edit
this poem.
i found this unfinished poem and decided to re-write it. it's a lot. i tried to tag trigger warnings so i hope this didn't make anyone upset. i should edit this one day. [tw: sa] = [trigger warning: ****** assaul t]
There was once a fella named Jules

Who packed his bags, and got nothing to lose

Before he passed away,

His mother was sick

Dad went off his own way.


Jules went on to a life worth knowing;

That to love is to heal

And we learn by hurting

As he was leaving

He looked on a picture

Of a former lover who hate him

He felt nothing but one thing

That she loved him dearly.


He went to the bath

Closed the door behind his back

Laid down on the floor

With mom and dad.

As he stared at their lifeless bodies.

He shared them a laugh:

"Mom, dad... your son was bad"


Sirens wail from a distance

As I stared on the floor and caressed

My dear Jules' head

"Oh what fools we have become"

"I wish I was there"



...He did what he needs done
For he still does care.
Been keeping my dark thoughts far too long...
I just needed a release from everything.

Everyone please take good care of yourselves.
Lee Brewer Dec 2021
the blood drips down my legs
oh my
what have i done this time?
The warm feeling of
the blood leaking
is the worst,
but it's comforting
knowing the blood is real
knowing that I'm still alive.
The blood drips down my legs
Its stings a lot
what happened to the happy
little kid I once was.
"That's okay though"
I whisper to myself
as i close my eyes and
fall asleep.
The blood drips down my legs
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