She could only lay in wonder
How can someone so whole
Love someone so full of holes

Sometimes I can't help but contemplate
If I could break the mold my family had created
And filled with cynicism and passive-agression
Then I see how I had broken it long ago
When I was the first to try and destroy family ties
For the sake of my sanity and they wondered what was wrong with me
That's when I realized
Family can be your own worst enemy

When will I see, you
Only ever talk to me
When you are lonely?

When words fail me, turn me towards the skies.
Teach me to shine like the stars in the night
Maybe someday soon I'll bid you adue
Until such a time I'll rattle your cages and spit on your muse
I'll kick and scream and fight for eternity
Until such a time that I ponder your immunity.
Against an unholy guard and a trusted advisor
My love will be poisoned like the black nights armor.

Once you leave you may never return
For my heart has learned your scorn
And she wishes not to gaze upon your face
She does not wish you well or harm
But she will enlist you to her list of worn
Those who have belittled her and sought her anger
She is not the same as you found her.

Euphoria
Her definition was once "a state of intense happiness"
Now,
Her definition is "crying until God decides to numb your pain"

As he kissed my lips and felt my thighs
I watched in the mirror as my soul slowly died

Do you even know how hard it was for me?
To put away the liquor and pipes
For the love of Christ I can't even begin to tell you how awful it was before you.
I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I stumbled home.
How many mornings I woke up asking what happened the night before.
How many nights my roommate asked how ****** up I was as I laughed and told her how badly I wanted cookies.

Now I'm not saying **** ****** me up that bad
But I may have taken the things that numb me a little too far:
Drinking till I can't remember,
Smoking until my frowns are smiles,
Puffing on cigarettes until I cough up a lung.
What doesn't **** me makes me stronger, right?

I couldn't continue my preaching higher than cloud nine or drunker than a man with nothing left to lose.
But for some unknown reason you gave me the courage to quit the liquor.
And Im glad you stopped me, otherwise the next year was gonna be brutal because AA is for quitters and momma never raised a quitter.

I may not have alcohol.
I may not have Mary Jane
But I do have you.
So you wanna go smoke a joe?

Once a glass is broken
It won't hold water the same.
And a heart doesn't hold love the same
Once it's been ripped to shreds.

How were you able
To convince yourself
You're so good
When you were the monster
In all of my nightmares

It wasn't until I heard him laugh
That I felt like a normal girl.
And for the first time in maybe my whole life
I found something to stick around forever for

You were never
Anything more to me
Than a cigarette break
Chased by a shot of cheap whiskey

You never loved me
You were a selfish chain smoker
And I was simply
Just another pack of cigarettes

You can't expect me to just be okay.
Even when you twist my arms
My mind won't bend that way.

I always let the alcohol settle in my liver,
Before I let my guard down.
That way if drunk me does something horrible,
I don't have to remember it in the morning.

Shes a glass of whiskey and coke
Shes a hit with a definite choke
Shes an untamed wildflower in May
Shes a destined part of the day
Weather you see her or not shes most certainly there
From those torn up jeans to that fiery hair
Shes most likely to turn up everywhere
With a face like hers she can blend with the crowd
But when its time for her to stand out
****
She can make a room stare.
Shes a magician with an umexplainable act
Shes the leader of a suicide pact
When she says jump most ask how high
And i guess thats what shes trying to define
With the envy of others on her side
All she tries now is to hide
But she cant quite make it
Can you see why
Shes a poet with sparkles in her eyes
So any man will meet their demise
Just to convince her shes worth their time.

She had never felt closer to numbness
Than when that razor was against her skin
She had never felt closer to happiness
Than when she was by his side
Once he took her razors away
She had to find something else to lean on
He whispered "pick me, I'll never let you fall"
She hesitated
But then she fell in love

She never quite understood why someone would lie to the one they loved
And when he lied to her over and over again
She never trusted anyone's word
In telling her lie after lie
She was never satisfied until he cried for her
Because she convinced herself he lied until he cried.
That's when she found out that he cried because he knew he was lying
And he didn't want to
But he could never help himself
So he did it
Until it broke her heart in two

Freedom* is something we don’t have anymore
Because within our own bodies,
We have become *slaves

Once an angel, forever a demon.

I know that the whole thing about love is it's who you miss at 2pm when you're busy, not 2am when you're lonely.
Baby it's 8:50pm and I'm as lonely as I've ever been.

I can't stand my friends when they're with their other, my love life is lived through them.
Its not that I want what they have,
Its that I want to feel warm arms around my body instead of the cold embrace of my AC.

It's that I want someone to run shivers down my back by placing their cold hands on my bare side and allow my body heat to warm them.
Its that I want to feel a deep passionate love.

Its that all it ever is is me and me alone.

Is that what you thought when I told you we were done?

Did you think to yourself "I hope you enjoy the cold arms of the lovers who don't actually love you?"
"You'll miss the way I looked at you"
"You'll miss the way I kissed you"
"You'll miss the way I loved you"

Did you think how happy you would be to see me so sad?
Because you know I can't help myself and I can't stay away from you,
Even if you're poison to my veins.

Did you, in after being months apart, me running to you, looking for shelter from the rain, have the joy in seeing my face twist in agony as you push me away?

Did you ask yourself if I ever loved you,
And convince yourself I didn't?
If leaving you twice times the same way was so simple so must the third
But darling I'm falling.

I'm falling into pits of my own darkness.

I saw a pencil sharpener and took out the blade.
I cleaned it and hid it and think about it every day.
And right after the thought of that I think of you and what you would say

You May not be my 2pm thought
But you're my thought at 9pm
When I tell my demons no
And throw my blade away.

I think my problem arises from a chaotic childhood.
No, I'm not saying it was traumatic but
I learned at a young age that I didn't belong anywhere
And I think the problem with my relationships today
Is that I felt that being lonely so long,
And finding someone like him
who wanted me dearly
And wants me still
instilled in me a will to never be alone again.
But it seems, it comes all too natural to me.
My problem is that I want to be with someone.
I want to belong to someone.
I want to be the person that someone comes home to...
Maybe that's just my fatal flaw?
That being so alone even in a house I used to call home
No four walls feel quite right
No pair of arms reach the core of me
I guess I've made a bed and begun to live
In the halfway house of sin
Making my way to strangers beds to see which one will be strong enough to wed
But sadly that's not the point of one-night stands.
That once the deed is done we follow the path of the walk of shame
Carrying our heels and dragging our dignity down a road to what we supposedly call home.
Not all the girls along the road are hoes some are simply misguided fools.
Such as I, when I was kicked from a bed after laying by his side
I had a little too much to drink and stumbled my way home, to face the mirror which hung on my door like a veil
To face a friend with a past like mine
To tell her all just to be told I was an idiot.
It's just my flaw
That I fall for words instead of actions it will surely be my fall
For no amount of painted skin or blanketed lies will stop me from adopting another vice to add to my collection.
Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and *** my god I've become such a mess.
The lonely girls are always easy targets.
You bribe them with drinking or drugs and a promise of a passion filled kiss to soothe the raging monster inside them,
Now you have them at your mercy.
Eventually, they go numb and forget that they are lonely.
They forget that they want to belong to someone
That they want to create a home for someone
And the four walls of different rooms become sanctuary maybe a night or two,
As this turned nomadic soul turns to her vices
And waits for the one night stand that tells her to stay

I must simply be doing something wrong,
For if I'm worried where my track will end,
Surely that means I don't trust myself one bit.

Sure, I've haulted my existence to grab a taste of recklessness
But how far will the road take me,
Until I'm breathless?
Lying in roads ****** off greens
Jumping in cars without gasoline
I've become the very thing my mother tried to keep me from being.
I want to stop from this parade of self destruction and maybe get my life together
But that too is hard to do
When all you do all day is drink, smoke, and waste away.

Maybe one day, we'll look up at the sky,
And we'll think about how, once, we weren't in love,
And we'll say we wasted our time,
On people who weren't pure enough,
To love our true forms.

What do you do when you realize it was supposed to be you in that white dress?
What do you do when you realize
You may never again?

When I die, I ask of you to not burn me.
I ask you find me a plot of land to lay my head
For I have found love in the light of the sun.

When I die, I ask my funeral be an outdoors affair.
Sit me in my open casket and think of me fondly.
Do not cry, for you will disgrace me.

When I die, I ask the doors and windows of my home be opened for my soul to sore,
For I'm sure i was happy there, and there my spirit shall dwell

When I die, cover all the mirrors of my abode with fabrics,
So that my soul will find its way to the skies instead of being trapped behind glass.

I ask you all be merry and rejoice
For I know not where I shall be,
But my nomadic soul will be forever happy
When I no longer plagued by my hatred and insanity

When I die, i ask you still love me.

Never have I known three humans
That believe as deeply as I
Until one day I stepped inside
And found a world anew.

These three women are strong within their faith
And can push me along the lines
Between life, death, and treading upon
the other world and beyond

Women are like broken glass.
If you squeeze our necks,
Chances are we either break more
Or sleep with your best friend.

Write a line or two, get a decent rhythm.
Write one line that sounds wrong.
Erase one word, replace it with another.
Re-read the whole thing to yourself.
Read it out loud.
Shut up because you sound awful and you're not a spoken word poet no matter how hard you try.
Erase the whole thing.
Try to start over.
Trip on your words.
Lose tract of the topic.
Forget this poem was not supposed to be like the last one.
Erase it again.
Try to come up with a title to inspire yourself.
Fail.
Listen to music while staring at your pen.
Write a ****** poem about not being able to write a poem.
Kinda like it.
Feel inspired.

This has been the official tutorial.

I would die a million deaths if it meant I got to hold you in my arms again.
If it meant I could smell your cologne, I'd stick my hand in a hornets nest.

I know we don't work.
Baby I know more than most
I know that I'll continue loving you no matter what.
No matter who says I'll get over it, I'll get better, I'll be happier without you
It's not true

For my heart has clung to you as I try to rip it out your grasp.
It's as if you decide to tug right when I decide I've won and stop fighting it.

You show up somewhere.
You show up in my dreams.
In my thoughts.
In my heartbeats.
You're there.
Just...being... you...

I never thought you'd treat me like I'm nothing.
Even when my sharp mouth would fire off, at least I'd always speak to you.
I've never ignored you for days on end and never once did I question you.
Now, I don't know how you feel.
I don't know where you are or what you're doing
I don't know who your with or who you're thinking about
And my god do I miss you and every inch of you
All I can think about is the spaces between your fingers which my hand fit perfectly.
The rhythm of our bodies in the night.
The way you would look at me,
You'd melt me with a glance and now,
I'm crying over you
And I miss you
Please
Come back to me

What do you do when you realize youve made a mistake?
When the one who loved you left you alone and you moved on,
And now hes getting married and you dont know what to do.
You drink and drink and drink until you cant hear your heart beating
You drink till you forget to remember your own **** name.
You dont realize how much he affected you
How weak he made your knees
How beautiful he made you feel

Well he calls her beautiful now.
He calls her baby and love and baby girl
He calls her wife and he calls you stupid
Ignorant
Jealous
"The Ex"
And then you drink some more
What do you do when you lose someone important?

Im sorry i wasnt ready when you were
And i am now and youre no longer here
Youre off in the sunset with her and youre smiling your smiles.
Dancing like a fool and making jokes with friends
And im here
Still drinking
Still thinking
Still wishing
You were mine.

You said youd never leave me.
You said youd never dissapear.
You told me you would always stay right here.
But you lied, didnt you?
Made my friends heal all my wounds
You left, for what?
For someone who cant even take care of you?
For someone who would only use you?
Made alcohol into my bandaids,
Because you cant see the scars you left inside,
On my heart, in my mind
You left pieces of you behind and it makes me feel like i can hold on.
But why would i do that, when i can move on?
I can try and forget your name and fail as always
Because somehow
Youve poured your poison in my veins
The only way to get rid of you is to cut it out
But its gone into my heart and courses through my body with every rythmic beat and bump
Youre like taking a shot of *****
You remember that time you tried to drown yourself in it but it didnt work
Only landed you in the hospital for alcohol posioning
Alcohol at least helps numb the hurt as my heart continuse to pump your name throughout my system

Its not like my heart hasnt been broken before.
Whats one more time?
Cracks will always give way.
Just like how i will always run back to you
And history will always repeat itself.
And i will always end up
Broken

My life is falling apart at my seams,
Im crying and im fighting,
Pulling out my hair and skin as i try to comprehend whats happened to us,

What happened to me?
What happened to you?
What have we become?

I dont even know which person im talking about anymore.
But the message is still the same for all of you

Im wounded and I'm scaring up now.
Im stressed and tugging at the skin again.
Hardly eating, barely breathing again.
Not living again.

But of course some of you dont know ive been in so much trouble before.
All you know is what I've told you, and that doesn't mean ive told you everything

Someone, im begging
Look into these eyes of mine and see whos really trapped inside
Shes screaming for help, crying even
But she doesnt know where exactly to turn

She knows noone is looking for her because they seem to enjoy her persona.
They seem to like how guarded she is and how much of a mystery she beholds.

Someone, please, see the zipper on my back and shed my facadé.
Someone help me reach myself.
Because the zipper is too far up my spine,
I can't reach it by myself, my arms don't bend that way.

And if noone is willing to help me, that's okay.
I understand it's a selfish thing to ask of you to save me.

But if you think of all the times I've helped you when you were in crisis of self,
Wouldn't it soothe your mind to help me be at peace as well?

No never mind, forget I said anything.
I'll just stay here with my arms bending in every direction,
Until I can finally grasp that zipper and let her breathe the fresh air once more.
Because after all,
Even superman needs a rest from flying high all the time.